Aging and Your BDSM Relationship: Growing Old and Enjoying Your Kinks

How to Enjoy Your BDSM Relationship, for Life

In a way, Ageing BDSM relationships are no different at all from any human relationships. In fact, the mere fact that your BDSM relationship IS ageing is such a positive thing! It means your are ageing with a chosen lover. The thing that IS different is that in BDSM Relationships, our sexual play often includes implements which can, if incorrectly or badly used, injure one or both parties. As we age along with our partners in a BDSM Relationship, each of us may have to deal with a disability, or, as I prefer to call them, different abilities. That rock music you loved to crank up high enough to vibrate windows may damage hearing. Eyesight may diminish, or cease. Strokes, medications and a myriad of other common conditions of ageing can pop into your relationship. So, what are some things you can do in your BDSM relationship to minimise their effect? Diminishing physical status in an ageing BDSM Relationship can be handled to enhance your long term BDSM Relationship. How can you stay happily kinky as you age?

- Hearing Loss-

When your partner is tied to a St. Andrews cross, facing away from you, waiting expectantly for the caress of the flogger is NOT the time to pretend you can hear just fine, and possibly miss her cues and signals that all is not well. Communicate! Talk with her before the scene begins, to set up hand signals or other methods of letting you know that she wants to end the session, or that she needs to run to the Little Submissive's Room. For some people, a crowded and noisy club, where quite often loud music and other kinky players make for difficult conversation anyway, is the perfect place to practise non-verbal communication. One trick that works for me is that I hold a small cat toy in my hand. If I wish to stop the scene for any reason, or just to get my Top's attention to ask for something different, I simply toss the brightly -coloured, lightweight ball over my shoulder - at his head! Not really, that would be a bit much, but dropping the brightly coloured ball does the trick.

- Eyesight Issues-

Ageing lovers often experience diminished eyesight, and this could be a significant challenge during a BDSM play scene, but there are many possible aids to consider using, although, again, communication is key. You probably would rather not have a Dominant flicking a single tail whip at your very tender and naked back, if he can't see his nose in front of his face, but there are other play techniques that can be just as exciting, and much safer! A suggestion is to set up the scene very carefully and to do only BDSM play that is more body-to-body contact, such as over the knee (OTK) spanking with his hand or an implement such as a paddle with a short, manageable handle. This precludes the danger of a whip or other implement striking an area that could cause the bottom (receiver) injury or damage. Ageing in a BDSM Relationship can help you be creative about working out the 'kinks' - be creative with your partner.

- Joint Pain, Muscles and Flexibility Issues-

Ok, so everyone knows that submissives spend their entire life on their knees, right? I mean, heck, all the books say that! Well, those are fiction! Yep, fiction. All submissives don't spend their lives chained to the foot of the bed naked either, but let's try not to wreck the fantasy, ok? The truth is, many of us are happily ageing in our BDSM relationships, with our ageing partners, and as happily ageing women (or men, I don't want to leave the male submissives out in the cold!) we have aches and pains, and, most of us can't bend in those low scraping bows, with even a modicum of grace anymore. Oh, well. We adapt. Strategically placed pillows are wonderful for achy knees. Changing position often helps keep muscles from freezing into painful, uncomfortable, rock-hard blobs. One of the most wonderful things about being with a partner for a long time, and knowing each other, is communication skills are often developed along the way. Tell your partner, "Uh, this is so not working for me!" and work together to find what DOES work. Instead of a St. Andrew's cross, position yourself across a nice, plush, upholstered chair. Rather than cleaning the bathroom floor on your hands and knees with his toothbrush (oops, did I say that?), use a long handled mop! That is why mops were invented!

- Menopause-

Thank heaven for lubricants. Not all women will need additional lubricants after menopause, and you can do some easy things to alleviate vaginal dryness even without lubricants. Stay well hydrated. Take your time arousing and exciting your ageing and oh, so sexy BDSM partner. Take MORE than your time, take the time to make her feel loved and appreciated, sexy and sultry. And, for heaven's sake, there is no shame in needing bottled lubricant. You can even make lube application erotic, if you relax and enjoy each other!

-Erectile Dysfunction-

Medications are one cause of erectile dysfunction, but normally ageing bodies change response as well. Again, taking the time to arouse and excite your male partner is great, and sometimes, it isn't enough. But it IS enough. Men can feel aroused and excited and sexually stimulated without an erection. And, isn't that why there are adult toy stores? You can buy a flesh tone vibrator or dildo (whatever the heck flesh tone is, I mean really, WHO'S flesh is really that awful colour?) for a few bucks at just about any adult store. Make it fun. Men are not their penis. They have hearts and minds (and fingers, tongues, toes, elbows, etc.) Your ageing partner can use their intimate and long term knowledge to please you and tease you in delicious ways well into the autumn of your BDSM Relationship.

Medical conditions and disabilities can certainly interfere in your preferred BDSM relationship style, and often simply ageing creates its very own challenges in a BDSM relationship. I believe that the best way to deal with changes is to face them head on, together. Being able to adapt is a great source of comfort for everyone, and can actually lead you into whole new worlds of fun and adventure. BDSM Relationships and Ageing don't have to be incompatible. Everybody ages, just be sure you choose to live until you die, and celebrate your ageing BDSM relationship, for life.

When Robert Browning wrote, "Grow old with me, the best is yet to be", he knew what he was talking about!

COURTESY OF: Caged Heart

Is the BDSM Lifestyle a Healing Experience for Submissives or Dominants Recovering from Trauma?

One of the most pervasive questions asked by those wanting to join the BDSM lifestyle and some of the people already in the lifestyle for a limited time, is whether BDSM actually is beneficial when it comes to healing emotional and psychological trauma. People want to know whether this will help them to overcome a rape or childhood abuse. I believe that it can and does help in conjunction with therapy. I would not stop seeing the therapist and I definitely would not stop taking medication if I had been taking it.
This leads to another question of course. Are there more people in the lifestyle with abuse in their pasts than elsewhere? Statistics indicate that the incidence of this in the lifestyle is no higher than in any other community. Yes, I know many who have been abused, but I also know a big group of people who seem to have had a lovely childhood and still have parents who support them in everything they do.

Keeping this in mind, let us take the case of a 20-year-old submissive that was raped when she was 18 by a group of men. She went through the disturbing process of reporting it and the police have never been able to find the culprits. She is afraid most of the time, cowers when she is surrounded by men and feels the need to have sex with as many men as she can to prove that it will not hurt her. She also subconsciously is trying to prove that she deserved to be raped by being such a whore. She eats a lot in order to make herself look less attractive. Men don't rape fatter women, do they? She has no self-confidence and she cries a lot.

She meets a dominant man in her travels around the town and he does not take her sexually. He takes her close to it, but keeps her in suspense. He does not allow her to move on either as his power and kindness keeps her attracted to him. He throws out all the frumpy cover-ups she has taken to buying and promptly puts her on a diet. He compensates for this by allowing her to bring all her thoughts and emotions to him even when they are to scream and shout rage at him, even though he only represents the men that have done this to her by virtue of being male. He takes her to the therapist and sits outside, waiting for her until she is done every week and makes sure that she takes her medication, on pain of punishment should she not.

They talk about recreating the scene and reclaiming it for her with the therapist. The therapist helps here by giving his or her opinion on what aspects they should be careful of in this fantasy. All of this is taken into account in the planning. The submissive is now 20 pounds lighter and wears attractive clothing. Her self-confidence is soaring because she is treated like a cherished woman even though she still struggles to be open when they are sexual. Little by little her dominant coaxes her out of her shell of fear and gets her to initiate an intimate love making session at last. Sex has now become different again. There is no drive to prove something and she does not feel like an object that should only be used anymore.

All of this could have been accomplished in a vanilla relationship too of course, but the next step is where most vanilla men would never go. The dominant actually organizes for a group of his friends to use his submissive for their pleasure sexually. He does not do this until his control is clearly established and he has made sure that she is emotionally ready. He does not do so before he is reasonably convinced that she will be able to get through this and find it to be erotic instead of threatening. It happens and she flies through it. Her enjoyment increases as the scene unfolds and she revels in the power she has in this scene as opposed to feeling helpless in the rape. In the rape she was forced. During this scene she gives her consent and she finds that she can be whole even when her nightmare scenario plays itself out. She might have some bad moments, but the scene is either slowed down or stopped if this should happen, so she feels much safer.

A new experience is established with the same scenario being played out. She no longer feels threatened and cheap, but loved and appreciated. Healing comes about in this scenario. This is also only an example on how something can be reclaimed. Many other things come to mind such as verbal abuse, physical abuse, sexual harassment etc.

This article basically claims that traumatic events can be reclaimed and healing brought about by participating in BDSM. I do not feel like serious mental disorders could be treated in this lifestyle. I do not see this as the perfect solution for someone who is bipolar or severely depressed. Therapy is the answer there. When any situation is being reclaimed though, both parties must make sure that it is done responsibly, safely and sanely.

COURTESY OF Bea Amor

The politician helping Britain out of the gay dark ages

The politician helping Britain out of the gay 'dark ages'

We speak to Kate Green, Britain’s Shadow Equalities Minister about gay marriage, trans rights and what’s next in the LGBT struggle

BY TRIS REID-SMITH

 ‘Disgusting, distasteful, cruel and wrong.’ That’s how British Member of Parliament (MP) and Shadow Equalities Minister Kate Green describes some of the debate in parliament over gay marriage.

But Green and the many pro-equality politicians are winning. And she is already thinking about what they should be focusing on as the next step for LGBT equality.

We caught up with her after the Marriage (Same Sex Couples) Bill for England and Wales had cleared the elected House of Commons and just passed an initial vote in Britain’s upper chamber of parliament, the House of Lords. But everything is still to fight for until the final vote in the Lords, likely to be on 15 July.

As the opposition Labour party’s lead on equality, Green has been at the forefront of the debate. Meanwhile, she has also been involved in bringing transgender issues to the center of British politics for the first time.

Green knows marriage is not the final hurdle in the LGBT struggle – bullying in schools, a glass ceiling at work and cuts to gay and trans services are all on her mind. But the fact the marriage bill is now almost certain to pass is giving pro-gay politicians hope and confidence.

We started by talking about the bill and how it will change Britain.

Were you surprised by the result in the House of Lords?

I was surprised by the size of the majority. We have to be a little cautious as peers don’t traditionally want to vote down a bill at second reading. They are revising chamber and want the debate in full so they can revise it. Nonetheless it was a much bigger majority than I thought we would see – it was two to one nearly.

We have always been confident there is a majority in the House of Lords for the legislation and nothing we have seen this week has shaken that confidence. My impression was some of the speeches were really the last howls of protest of a dying breed.

Even in the House of Commons we saw some of the arguments about polygamy…

Well they are just disgusting, distasteful, and cruel and wrong and ill-informed and nasty.

I thought there were also some very beautiful speeches in the House of Commons, particularly from some Conservative MPs because it has been harder – or perceived to be harder – in that party to come out. And they were talking about how this enabled them to be completely open and relaxed about their sexuality and talk about it publicly.

This is why you have to pass this legislation. For how long have we prevented people from being themselves? How cruel is that?

I said in my second reading speech, you are a teenager and you are trying to make sense of who you are and your own sexuality, not to endorse a particular form of sexual orientation by not allowing people to marry tells young people ‘there’s something a bit wrong with you, you are a bit screwed up’. That’s outrageous – what are we doing to young people? All we do then is store up unhappiness for years to come.

Politicians lead and respond to public opinion. Do you think politicians’ views on trans issues and gay issues may have given the wrong message to society?

For gay and lesbian issues undoubtedly, even we heard again in the House of Lords some really quite bizarre and offensive and hurtful things [in the debate over gay marriage].

It seems to me for gay and lesbian people this is the last hurrah of the old guard. They are so plainly now out of step with where the country is and the polling that Stonewall [leading British gay campaign organization] did was pretty clear on all that.

Political leaders still feel it is acceptable to use this language that is obviously utterly wrong but for lesbian and gay issues it is becoming more and more something society will not tolerate.

For transgender issues, I don’t think we are there yet. You don’t see many politicians speaking about it at all, and I think it is considered much more socially acceptable to use language that is inappropriate and actually very offensive and hurtful. Some of the implications transgender people are not safe to be around children – what possible evidence have they got for that kind of assertion? Most politicians are still keeping their head down on the issue.

Do you expect the bill to lead to a kind of wider benefit?

I do. I think it will be part of the process of absolutely mainstreaming attitudes to same-sex couples.

Politicians are now thinking what are the next frontiers for LGBT issues? Media portrayal is a huge one. I think health – mental and physical health. We know there are much higher levels of depression, higher levels of suicide among some lesbian and gay people.

Mental health is significantly impacted if people can’t acknowledge their sexuality or suffer bullying or mistreatment as a result of it. So there is a clear new policy frontier to be following there.

There is a lot of work to be done in schools. Stonewall are doing a great project as are Schools Out [LGBT groups working in schools] around getting schools to take on homophobic bullying, to think of the way sex and relationships education can create acceptance and understanding of same-sex relationships. But the fact is this government will not make sex and relationships education a compulsory part of the curriculum so it is up to us in the Labour Party to push that.

The other thing I am very worried about is public spending cuts, particularly in local authorities, which will impact on specialist support services for the LGBT community – so advice services, specialist mental health services, advocacy, even just the community and social activities which have enjoyed a degree of public funding.

Gay marriage has helped make the Conservative government appear more gay friendly. Are you worried that will cost Labour some traditional LGBT votes?

I think people will probably notice Labour is still very much the party setting the agenda on this. The government wouldn’t have got this legislation through if it hadn’t been for Labour votes.

Most people’s view is by the time of the election this legislation is not going to be an election issue. That’s a good thing. It may have been an electoral advantage for us if there had been an election this year, but it is probably more important it is not an issue at all.

At the moment some transgender people are still concerned about the equal marriage bill because it says the wife or husband of a transgender person can stop them getting a gender recognition certificate so they can veto their marriage going from being a ‘straight’ to a ‘gay’ one.

It is important to have the debate about this because you are balancing the sensitivities of two members of the couple.

On the one hand you have the person who wishes to undergo gender reassignment feeling it is a very personal decision for them. At the moment the other spouse can take the decision, under the legislation as it is currently drafted, for the marriage to continue uninterrupted.

But on the other hand you have to recognize there will be some partners who will feel I am absolutely not able to contemplate being married to someone of the same sex and although I can take action to end that marriage I don’t see why I should be put in that position.

And the legislation says a person who has already transitioned still has to declare their original birth-certificate gender to their future spouse. But if they had a criminal conviction or were a rapist they wouldn’t have to declare it.

Or even a history of child abuse…

So what does a partner have a right to know before marrying someone?

You are talking about a relationship which really has to be based on trust and openness but I guess in many marriages people keep secrets. To what degree the state has a role in that is quite a hard question.

I know it seems unimaginably unlikely that people wouldn’t disclose but there may be cases where it is long in someone’s past. It is a really interesting question and it exemplifies a wider issue.

We have seen the death of trans teacher Lucy Meadows who was harassed by the press and the publishing of the Leveson Report into standards in the British media which criticized reporting on trans issues. Your party wants to implement Leveson’s recommendations in full to help trans people...

Yes, and there are many other advantages to Leveson being implemented in full as well.

But how much faith do you have that the post Leveson world is going to be better?

That’s a very hard question. I think certain sections of the media, certain publications, were cavalier, callous, cruel, irresponsible and unthinking.

It was very interesting reading some of the transcripts of the evidence given to Leveson and seeing them almost being brought up short by some of the questioning and saying things like ‘that wasn’t our finest hour’.

It was as if it was the first time some elements of the media had been confronted with what they were doing – and that human beings were involved and they were damaging and destroying their lives.

Whether that has resulted in any immediate change of behavior, I think there is not much sign it has, there have still been some pretty egregious examples. On the other hand it seems to me that it is important we use Leveson and the terrible death of Lucy Meadows and the climate of discussion to keep banging this message home.

In the end the media are not just leaders of public opinion, they are massively, massively responsive to it. I have been quite struck by how much the debate has moved in the last seven months and I think it is hugely down to the courage of some transgender people speaking out now and saying ‘this is how we are being treated’.

There have been several big meetings in parliament over the last few months about trans issues. Do you think this is a flash in the pan or the start of something interesting?

No I think it is the start of something interesting. Because the campaigners, the advocates, on trans issues are organizing. They are operating in a sustained, determined, systematic way and as a result they have now got some momentum going.

And I have done some events in the last few weeks. One was organized by Trans Media Watch when they invited MPs to come along and sign up to their pledge on the portrayal of transgender people in the media. And MPs did come, by parliament standards it was a high turn out – and across party and I think there were peers there.

That campaign is beginning now to get political purchase and they will sustain it, I think they are very determined to. Once politicians work out there are 60 people on their doorstep talking about something, they start to poke their noses in, so bringing the debate right into parliament has been very good.

And the [equal marriage] bill has been helpful, because there has been a reason to talk about it in terms of what does it mean in terms of how public policy impacts on people’s lives.

Actually Britain’s legislation is already ahead of a lot of Europe on transgender issues...

I had a woman politician from Poland come to see me – the only trans MP and she was describing with relation to both same-sex relationships and transgender issues just how much more difficult it is for her to get these issues taken seriously. She is a lone voice as far as I can tell in the Polish legislature. There is much more of a block in the policy system on taking them forward.

In some countries, and Poland is one, the Catholic Church has a very strong hold on public opinion and is deeply opposed. You have got some countries that are much more socially conservative and it is much more difficult to even talk about these issues, let along make progress on them.

So what role can politicians play in influencing the debate beyond making legislation?

You are right they are the sharp edge of public opinion. If you look at where public opinion has moved, particularly on lesbian and gay relationships, civil partnerships, over a period of only 10 years it is politicians who have led the way.

I know from the correspondence I get and the stuff I see on Twitter, I get a lot of response, including from constituents, saying ‘we are glad you are talking about it, it has enabled us to talk about it’. Politicians as public figures can mainstream the discussion and that is very important.

And for politicians who are fearful, who think they are going to lose votes, this is not a vote-loser. In five, 10 years from now, certainly 25, 30 years from now, people will look at the fact we did not let people of the same-sex marry and think ‘what on earth was that about?’ People will look at this aghast – it will be the dark ages.

In the debate there was a lot of reference to straight people having families and little recognition that LGBT people also had children. Should we promote gay families more?

What an interesting and good idea. There is absolutely no evidence to suggest children fare worse in families where they have two parents of the same sex. They will often be very wanted children. We want to make sure we celebrate those successful families.

It is really important for the children we celebrate and promote really positive stories about same-sex parents because those children otherwise are going to be stigmatized.

We should be building the acceptability of those families in the public’s mind and I think we can do that really well. We can have really positive stories.

And can we be tougher on schools failing to tackle anti-LGBT bullying?

One of the difficulties we are having is a lot of schools are becoming academies and free schools and it is becoming a lot harder to have a grip on the policies they adopt.

But we want to use the inspections regime, use local authority intervention where they are maintained schools, really to be very clear about the standards we expect.

It is about teacher training, it is about leadership, it is about the whole ethos of the school, it’s about respect for children. I would like to see a child rights-and-respect model becoming the norm for schools

In workplace diversity, the big hurdle for women and gay people and other minorities is getting to the top of organizations. Will we ever break through this glass ceiling?

It is not just the top. A lot of the block in companies is middle managers who are sometimes quite prejudiced in some of their assumptions and attitudes. People think ‘I wouldn’t like to be managed by a woman or by a gay person’. Well tough.

I think we need to do pay audits and they are a proxy for getting people in to senior positions. We regret the government hasn’t decided to go ahead with that.

But public procurement is a big tool for driving corporate behavior and we should make much more use of it.

- See more at: 

The Transgendered Scene

 
The following notes attempt a brief working definition of the different categories of cross-dressing and gender dysphoric behaviour.
They have been prepared as part of an extensive range of services and facilities by TransLiving International, the UK-based support network for transvestites, transsexuals and others with gender dysphoria.
Gender Confusion
If you find the distinctions somewhat confusing between she-males, transgenderists, transsexuals, gender transients, drag queens, cross-dressers and transvestites, then you are not alone! There are differences that can sometimes be readily apparent, but the confusion is not helped by the fact that many people with some form of gender dysphoria (the medic-speak term used to denote those who feel there is a mismatch between the gender role they choose to adopt some or all of the time, and that which is apparently denoted by their sexual characteristics) will describe themselves in terms that are, at the very least, highly misleading.
Gender Dysphoria
Gender Dysphoria is a condition in which there is a mismatch between the preferred gender role and that which is apparently denoted by sexual characteristics. Or to put it rather more clearly --- it is a condition in which the patient believes that his/her brain sex is at variance with his/her physical sex. This does not necessarily mean the gender dysphoric person is transsexual.
She-males, transgenderists and gender transients, along with TVs for whom transvestism has become a major fixation, may all be considered as exhibiting some degree of gender dysphoric symptoms. The transsexual certainly has the condition.
The treatment regime of choice will be determined by the psychiatrist following a detailed interview with the patient. It should be noted that in its extreme form, transsexuality, this is a condition that is largely self-diagnosed.
It is important to understand that gender dysphoria requires specialist attention. Few GPs and general psychiatrists have much experience of dealing with these gender anomalies and only too frequently people who are deeply disturbed by their psycho-sexual problems are told ‘you’ll grow out of it’, ‘it’s just a passing phase’, ‘go and get yourself laid’ or given similar unhelpful advice.
The fact is that it is a big step for the gender dysphoric person to take to even acknowledge having a psycho-sexual problem. It is hard for someone who has been socialised as a male to have to admit that he believes himself to be fundamentally female or to have a need to express his female persona.
Gender dysphoria causes people to act in a way contrary to their upbringing and socialisation, a way at variance with their apparent sex, a way that may well lead them to their being socially ostracised and significantly disadvantaged in terms of housing, career etc. It deserves to be treated seriously.
The condition is psycho-sexual. This does not mean to say that gender dysphorics are mentally ill, they merely have a condition that affects their understanding of their gender.
In the case of the transsexual particularly, the condition can cause embarrassment to others, particularly at the early stages of her transition. After all, what people see is a person who looks quite mannish, who was brought up and treated as a male, who developed male habits and manners, who has a masculine physique and who says she is female, dresses as a woman and wants to be treated as a woman. And she expects to be taken seriously.
It’s all very difficult for her --- and quite a problem for everyone else. She is likely to be hyper-sensitive and, because she has a great deal to learn, will probably be terribly gauche and unfeminine. This is the time she is at her most vulnerable and most difficult. Fortunately it is a passing phase and with practice, the help of hormones and a growing feeling of confidence, she will gradually settle into her new life and become increasingly acceptable in it.
So let’s attempt a set of brief working definitions of the gender dysphoric sub-groups based on practical experience (and risk the wrath of all those who disagree).
Cross-dressers
The generic term cross-dresser is fairly used for any person who chooses to don the apparel appropriate to the other gender. In reality this is a behaviour almost exclusively restricted to males.
Cross dressing may be an occasional activity. It frequently manifests itself with greater frequency when the man is under stress and would thus seem to serve the useful function of alleviating some of that stress.
Some men indulge in cross-dressing in certain garments only (knicker fetishists could be an example). A good many become highly aroused by it, quickly changing back into their normal clothes beset by self-disgust and guilt following masturbatory ejaculation. Others simply derive a feeling of calm from their pseudo female persona, whilst others gain extreme sexual arousal.
Transvestites
Transvestites, she-males, gender transients, drag queens, gay queens and transgenderists can all be legitimately described as cross-dressers. It would be inappropriate to apply the term to a TS (even if she looks totally unconvincing).
Transvestites (TVs) are people who derive pleasure from wearing clothes appropriate to the other gender. The generic term Cross-dresser is equally valid.
In fact, transvestism is a virtually exclusive male behavioural trait. TVs differ widely in their choice of dress and their socio-economic backgrounds. The incidence of transvestism is virtually impossible to determine on account of the veil of secrecy surrounding it and the refusal of many men who routinely wear women's underwear to consider themselves TV.
They are generally secretive about their transvestism and, until they have ‘come out’, tend to feel very guilty about it. Their motives for cross-dressing are diverse too. Some clearly do it as a sexual turn-on, an aid to masturbation. Others appear to derive calm and solace from permitting a gentler, female side to their natures to be given a periodic airing.
There are some whose transvestism is allied to other sexual behaviours:- the adult babies, the sub-dom fetishists etc.
The majority of TVs claim to be strictly heterosexual. Many TV organisations will imply that over 90% are hetero. This figure must be regarded as suspect since many of these strictly hetero males thoroughly enjoy adopting a quasi-female sexual role when cross-dressed and thus there must be a significant number more accurately described as bi-sexual.
The TV may go to great lengths, and spend considerable sums, to create his female persona. Some would have no difficulty in going about their daily business masquerading as women. The majority need to use artifice to disguise or hide such things as heavy male features, beard growth, body hair, large muscular frames, male pattern baldness, coarse skin and tattoos. They can alter their perceived body shape by the use of breast-forms, hip and bum pads. They can use special make-up to conceal any unwanted six-o-clock shadow and wigs do wonders for the overall effect.
The TV is a male and generally happy to be so. Many have successful marriages. Some, are of course gay. Whilst enjoying ‘dressing’ and appearing ‘en femme’, they have no wish to lose their male sex organs and sex drive. Admittedly, many TVs fantasise about growing breasts and being ‘real women’, but in truth, the ‘real women’ they envisage are mere figments of their male imaginations and most would be horrified at the prospect of loss of libido and the even more daunting loss of their priceless possessions — prized penis and testicles.
The Lily Savage or Edna Everage image is far removed from the typical TV, even though the general public will tend to equate them. This is not to say that every TV dresses modestly and makes an effort to appear as a normal woman. On the contrary, some dress in a way they would condemn as alarmingly tarty in a real woman.
Why the apparent appeal of the tarty? Why the significant interest in dressing as schoolgirls, nurses or ‘French maids’? It is somewhat difficult to answer this question other than to surmise that each of these styles symbolises some aspect of the femininity that the TVs concerned particularly espouse:- provocative, innocent, caring or submissive.
Crucial issues affecting the TV include how (and whether) to tell a partner/children/relatives/friends. How to handle himself if he gets ‘read’ (i.e. spotted as a cross-dressed male) when venturing out and how to deal with the attention of males when cross-dressed. Another factor, which few realise, is that their transvestism can become an unhealthy fixation to the extent that they cross-dress at every opportunity and become morose and surly if prevented. These TVs need to understand that their ‘harmless little hobby’ has become a psycho-sexual problem needing expert attention. Gender psychiatrists understand the condition:- few GPs do and few general psychiatrists. Consultation with a gender psychiatrist can be arranged through a GP’s referral to a Gender Identity Clinic, by contacting a private clinic (e.g. The Albany Clinic or the Portland Clinic in Manchester), by referral via a GP or through introduction from a recognised group to one of the few psychiatrists specialising in this subject. TransLiving is able to effect introductions to one of the leading specialist psychiatrists.
Fortunately, the majority of TVs manage to balance their cross-dressing needs with the normal requirements of family life, maintaining it as a discreet activity that does not offend anyone.
The frequency of cross dressing can vary from occasional to full time and the primary motivations range from deriving a feeling of calm and comfort by expressing a pseudo female persona, through to extreme sexual arousal.
TVs are almost exclusively male, the majority traditionally being believed to be heterosexual. Typically they feel an affinity for things feminine and value what they perceive to be essentially female behavioural patterns. Few of them are effeminate in manner when dressed as males and the majority will go to great lengths to mask their transvestism, many feeling isolated and guilty.
One of the most frequently asked questions by wives is “Why does he do it?”. There is no simple answer. There are many reasons why men cross dress and any individual is liable to be affected by more than one behavioural influence.
However, there are some who will welcome attention from males when they are cross-dressed and their transvestism may thus serve to mask a repressed bi-sexuality or possibly homosexuality. Indeed, it is not uncommon amongst this group to find TVs explaining that when in the female persona they are attracted to men, but not when presenting as male.
The TV retains his male sex drive and is perfectly satisfied to be male, provided he is permitted the opportunity to indulge his need to cross-dress from time to time. This can obviously cause problems if he expects to cross-dress whenever possible. A TV may well be a gentle, caring guy who will enjoy shopping with his wife, helping in the house etc. That’s the positive side. He may also be selfish in his demands for clothing and make-up, unfair in his expectations that the only places the couple visit are TV venues and unreasonable in his demands to make love when cross dressed.
The female partner has every right to expect her man to stick to agreed guidelines when it comes to cross-dressing. She is under no obligation to accept this behaviour, but perhaps should remember that modern psychiatry considers it within the bounds of normality, provided it is kept within sensible control. A gay male partner may well find it difficult to accept a TVs cross-dressing need.
The TV has a need to cross dress. His transvestism is a compulsion and it is necessary for him to work out a coping mechanism that makes room for it whilst not risking damage to his marital, familial, social and working relationships.
She-male
A She-male is a man who presents as a woman thanks to having secured breast development (hormonally induced and/or through silicone implant). He retains his male sex-drive and may indulge in sexual activity with both males and females. The descriptor ‘she-male’ implies a sexually motivated positioning and is often applicable to those earning their living from prostitution:- whether gay sex with other males, a sort of simulated lesbian sex with women or conventional penetrative sex with women.
The she-male retains a complete working set of male genitalia and has no intention of losing the pleasurable sensations obtained. She needs to be careful not to overdo the feminising hormones (in order to avoid becoming impotent), but will readily take any other measures necessary to enhance her feminine image.
They are quite prominent on the gay, drag and fetishist circuits, some of them achieving stunning looks. A number of them have clearly been able to derive an income from pornography and some from prostitution. It seems that exhibitionism is quite characteristic. Unlike the transsexual, transgenderist and transvestite, the she-male in common with the drag queen may be indifferent as to whether she is accepted as female by the public. It is fair to add that such indifference is shown at one end of the spectrum, whilst at the other, the she-male may very well pass her days being accepted as, and treated as a woman, whilst all the time proudly preserving her fully functional male ‘hanging bits’.
Those who live and present as female simply as a matter of gender preference, without seemingly being sexually motivated, may perhaps better be described as transgenderists.
Transgenderists
Transgenderists are people who choose to live full time in the gender role opposed to their physical sex. They retain their original genitalia, frequently have electrolysis to facilitate their passing properly in their chosen role and may have speech therapy too. A few add hormone treatment but with no intention of seeking gender reassignment. Such cases are difficult to distinguish from the She-males:- perhaps the only difference being with regard to their far less overt sexual display.
Many transgenderists will describe themselves as transsexual and, in so far as they may succeed in being socially accepted as women, they can be difficult to distinguish from TSs. Nevertheless, there are major distinctions:- the TS will take steps to ensure that her body is altered to fit her conception of her own sexual and gender identity. The transgenderist will acknowledge that he can never be a woman. The post-op TS knows that she is female and feels complete and whole, whilst the pre-op TS knows that she is a female awaiting some remedial surgery.
Transsexuals
Transsexuals are people who feel a profound awareness of a mismatch between their physical sex and their brain sex. Many try determinedly to fulfil what seemed to be their allotted role and that to which they had been socialised from infancy. However, the only way their problem can be resolved is through the combined medical and surgical procedures associated with complete gender reassignment (the so-called sex-change).
Male to female transsexuals outnumber female to male and certainly have a somewhat easier time in terms of the amount and severity of surgery involved. On the other hand, the female to male TS generally finds the effects of hormone therapy produce a dramatic change of such significance that their effective transition to the point where they are readily accepted in their new gender role is likely to occur far sooner. Their voices break, they grow facial hair and develop masculine musculature.
However, the F-M seeking full reassignment must face a series of operations:- hysterectomy and bilateral mastectomy being daunting enough to start with. Surgical construction of a form of penis is not widely regarded as a particularly satisfactory procedure as yet:- it is not autonomously erectile and may not even offer the ‘hosepipe’ function of the extended male urethra. Nevertheless, whatever the functional limitations, the cosmetic effect can be excellent and many F-M TSs are deservedly proud of their well-hung tackle.
The benefit of medical and surgical intervention is quite simply that it enables the TS (whichever the way of transition) to physically conform to his/her own felt gender identity.
The transsexual (M-F) is more than likely to have passed through a transvestic phase before realising that her problem was less a desire to dress as a woman than to be a woman. Her malaise with her apparent masculinity is likely to have affected her from quite a young age. Typically she would try hard to suppress those feelings and, particularly amongst the older TSs, may have shown a great determination to prove overt masculinity.
Once she has overcome the first major hurdle of accepting that she has a problem needing expert psychiatric help, she finds herself embarking on a journey beset by a series of horrors.
She will need to be referred to a specialist gender psychiatrist, either private or at a NHS Gender Identity Clinic. An ordinary psychiatrist is unlikely to have an understanding of gender dysphoria and thus may not be qualified to be of assistance. To get this far, she will need to see her GP to secure a referral. Admittedly, a responsible group such as TransLiving is able to introduce TSs to various private gender psychiatrists and, if appropriate, counsellors.
Whilst some TSs benefit from counselling, it is often far more important for their families:- for these are the innocent third parties who will feel the impact of the transsexual’s change without sharing the compulsion that has driven her.
She must convince the gender psychiatrist that she is a genuine transsexual. He will question her closely and is not going to encourage her to go for gender reassignment. Indeed, some psychiatrists may well seem to be being obstructive and unsympathetic, preferring to fuel any doubts as early as possible and before the TS has to go public with her news.
The way treatment is handled depends on the modus operandi of the psychiatrist concerned. Some insist that those wishing to undergo gender reassignment must live and function in role for a couple of years before they will prescribe hormones. Others tend to adopt the view that any patient presenting as a TS and asking for feminising hormones should be so treated as it will remove discontent. The action of the hormones (depression of libido) may prove to be a self-correcting therapy if the patient suddenly discovers that the cost of developing a little bust is the loss of valued male sex drive.
It is our view that the difficulties of a genuine TS are compounded if she is required to live in role without the development of the helpful secondary sexual characteristics that are attributable to hormone therapy. We support the view that pre-op TSs must be required to live in role for a period of at least a year in order to prove to themselves (and the real world) that they can function as, and be accepted as, women.
The TS needs to be aware that she is liable to face rejection by family and friends. Her job may well be placed in jeopardy (despite recent legislation) and she will, in all probability, encounter attitudes including outright unreasoning hostility, extreme bigotry and overt rudeness. Her social standing will probably take a severe nose-dive and she may find herself a sort of social outcast with no home, few prospects and being treated as a source of considerable embarrassment.
She will find this very confusing (“after all, I’m the same person --- just changing my gender”) and she may well pass through a highly over-sensitive phase. In the initial phases of her living ‘full-time’ she is liable to be acutely self-conscious and ill at ease with her new role. She is anxious to lose all traces of her past, yet not yet comfortable with the new self that she is discovering. In short, this period is difficult and she is at her most vulnerable and her most exposed to misunderstanding and ridicule.
Over the ensuing months she will hope to gradually settle into her female way of life despite having an intense focus on the change and all that goes with it:- voice therapy, electrolysis, grooming etc.
Sadly, not all TSs are blessed with the physical attributes that make the change credible. If you are six foot six tall, built like a main battle tank, are as hairy as the average ape, have tattoos all over, massive feet and a guttural voice of the sort that would make Lee Marvin sound feminine, then the chances of a successful transition would seem somewhat slight. Unfortunately, it is necessary to consider practicalities, for it is a sure recipe for disaster if a somewhat unsatisfactory life as a man is exchanged for an unbearable one as a woman.
Many people will comment that it takes a great deal of courage to do what a TS does. In truth, it is not a matter of courage, for she has scant option but to bite the bullet and give herself the chance of fulfilment. It takes much courage for a TS to recognise if she cannot hope to transition successfully and then to readjust her life. It also takes courage (and wisdom) for anyone who has started down the TS route only to realise that it was a mistake, to acknowledge the mistake and revert to the male role.
Being a TS should not be the ambition of a TV. Transsexuals are not TVs who have ‘graduated’ --- they are people who have had to cope with severe gender dysphoria; people upon whom Nature has played a cruel trick; people privileged to be able to understand their problem and to secure the help to resolve it.
Finally, the operation. Modern surgical techniques permit the construction of a vagina complete with labia and a clitoris constructed from the glans. The appearance, after healing, is for all practical purposes indistinguishable from that of a born female. If sufficient penile and scrotal tissue is available, the constructed vagina will offer ample depth to permit penetrative intercourse with a male. However, the vagina is not self-lubricating and the TS will need to take appropriate measures in order to avoid painful penetration.
For those with insufficient scrotal and penile tissue, a procedure can be adopted that involves using a section of the colon to provide additional depth to the vagina. A more complex procedure, it would normally only be adopted if really necessary.
TSs need a great deal of information on health and hygiene issues, legal matters and on changing their documentation and records. For these and a whole range of practical advice and support measures, they should seriously consider joining a self-help group such as TransLiving. Indeed, this group is unusual in that not only does it offer extensive support, but also the opportunity for TSs to socialise and to compare notes.
Drag queens
Drag queens are generally gay males who parody females. They do not identify with women and have no wish to be women. Over the top, outrageous and flamboyant, they are often believed by the general public to be TVs. If you go into a bar and see one very over the top guy dressed as a woman, and another cross-dressed male sitting quietly in the corner, you can bet your bottom dollar that the quiet one is the TV, the OTT one may be a drag queen. Many view themselves as entertainers, earning their living through drag performances for hen nights, gay clubs and pubs.
It is perhaps a little unfortunate for TVs that so many of the public automatically picture the drag queen when imagining anyone who is cross-dressed.
Indeed, many TSs too resent the erroneous but widely held impression that they are much the same as the drag queens.
Exhibitionist, aggressively effeminate and presenting a caricature of femininity, many of them contrive to be strikingly beautiful, wickedly witty and wonderfully amusing company.
It is also fair to point out that it was their devil may care open flouting of convention at a time (immediately pre - and post-War) when the word gay had a different connotation, when effeminacy was firmly frowned upon, when homophobia was widespread and when a man dare not admit to liking feminine clothes, manners etc., that has paved the way to today’s relatively tolerant attitudes towards transvestism and other expressions of different forms of sexuality.
Drag queens are performing artistes who take pride in their skill as entertainers. They should not be confused with gay queens who vie for the attention of men and may well be involved in gay prostitution. The gay queens are cross-dressed homosexual males actively seeking sexual liaisons with other males. Of course, there are some drag queens who need to supplement their incomes by being gay queens too.
Gender transients
Gender transients are people who will happily live in a betwixt and between world, living much of the time as women, some as men. They happily change role at will, selecting that which seems appropriate for the occasion.
A gender transient may be married or in an established relationship with a female partner.
The transient may well perceive him/herself as a third gender, refusing to acknowledge the normally accepted male/female divide. This differs from the TV who is well aware that he is male, but who simply owns up to ‘a slightly unusual little hobby.’ As far as the Transsexual is concerned, she cannot wait to leave the betwixt and between world of being neither the one nor the other. The whole idea of perpetuating that phase is horrific for her and she is impatient to achieve her sought after harmony between mind and body.
Female to male Transsexual
All patients who wish to have gender reassignment should first have a complete and thorough psychiatric evaluation
They must have a stable personality and have lived in the chosen gender for a least one year and ideally have been fully employed during this period. It is also the duty of the psychiatrist to determine whether the patient will be accepted in society in his new gender role. It is also important that the patient has reasonable expectations of the outcome of reassignment surgery to avoid any future disappointment.
Hormonal treatment with testosterone is initially given to deepen the voice, to increase muscle bulk and to increase body and facial hair growth. Patients have classically been administered Susann in subcutaneous injections but other preparations including patches and oral medication and six monthly depot preparations are also available for testosterone replacement therapy.