When your BDSM lifestyle conflicts with your Vanilla lifestyle.

Mistress Lady Leyla In all the time I have been a Domme, there is one issue I find I cannot easily help My submissive's with - c...

The Seven Common Types of Internet Submissives

By BDSM Tourguide

In day-to-day dealing with the online BDSM community, a dominant will typically run across many submissives in chat, forums or mailing lists. Although each submissive has their own personality and quirks and flaws and merits, each will usually fit into one of the following seven categories of internet submissive behavior.

Please do note that these are only the most common types of internet submissives; others do exist, but to much lesser degrees.

Type One: The “Little Girl” Submissive – 

Ever-blushing and ever-giggly, the “little girl” type of submissive is the consummate child actor. She will usually use every cute little hair twist and every sweet little smile in her arsenal to make sure everyone finds her to be the sweetest little girl in the whole community. 

These little girls typically ooze sweetness and often make dominants and other submissives in the community wonder what they’re really up to. Little girl types usually do not get along with other little girl types at all, as they typically crave attention and another little girl trying to muscle in on another little girl’s turf is an open threat to the incumbent little girl’s monopoly on attention-getting. For this same reason, little girl submissives do not usually do well in polyamorous relationships, preferring to be the sole object of their partner’s attention. A positive aspect of little girl types is that they are usually unwaveringly devoted to their partners and once they find a partner, they are unlikely to leave that person. 

From a purely psychological perspective, one has to wonder if the little girl type uses her wiles and charms and craves attention to cover up self-esteem issues.

BDSM 101 - an Introductory Guide to Humiliation Play for Consenting Adults

Humiliation, according to Wikipedia, is an abasement of pride or mortification. It is the state of being reduced to lowliness or submission. An example of humiliation is: "You are such a dirty little bitch."

Degradation, according to the same source, is the reduction of rank, character or reputation of a person. An example of degradation is: "If you were any fatter, we would have to get rid of your worthless ass."

See the difference?

In play though, there are various ways of humiliating a submissive. First you can have the submissive beg for the privilege of being humiliated. Make them aware that you are doing them a favor by doing it for them. You can use the dirty, sexy, kinky words we all generally do not use like the word "whore". Then you can have them do humiliating things like drinking water from a bowl with no hands or parading them on a leash in front of other people. It all depends on the submissive. Even having them display themselves in a way that they would never even consider could be extremely humiliating. Puppy play and infantilism has some definite elements of humiliation as well. Both of these role play situations clearly show the need to balance care and love with the humiliation. Some submissives need far less to become mortified or ashamed. As it is a lot of submissives are ashamed of being submissive in the first place and having them ask for what shames them, is a great way of putting a submissive right back into his or her place.

Wax Play 101

For many wax play is one of the first experiences within the BDSM realm, this is also the reason that so many people end up getting accidentally hurt. All too often someone is watching a pornographic movie and sees someone drip wax on his or her partner and suddenly they are rummaging through their kitchen cabinets looking for a candle that they can experiment with. “It looked so easy in the movie…” or “The women in the movie seemed to really like it so...” are phrases the emergency room staff have undoubtedly heard time and time again. Although most individuals probably make up some story about accidentally dropping a candle on their naked genitals or knocking a candle over and splashing wax all over their bare back as they turned; having worked in an ER I myself heard a few excuses such as these, although you honestly are suspicious about the method of the injury the means is always quite clear. Wax play done improperly can lead to first and second-degree burns, pain and permanent scarring.

Although wax play is simplistic in nature there are a few very basic safety tips and details that you need to know prior to exploring the wondrous avenue.

First, like with any BDSM play; know your weapon. There are several things you must know about the wax you are using before you can use it.

What type of wax are you using? Each type of wax has a different melting point. The melting point is the temperature that the wax must be to go from solid to liquid and remain so.

Type of Wax Melting point Fahrenheit

Paraffin 120 – 145 degrees

Low temp wax 120 – 125 degrees

Standard jar candles 125 – 135 degrees

The Great Transsexual Radical Feminist Menace

A few years ago (2009 actually) I read an very interesting BLOG post regarding some radical, controversial and somewhat vitriol and angry views expressed by some feminists regarding Transgenderism.

Having re-read the article, I remembered the anger I felt during a 'Drag Queen' event I hosted a couple of years ago.
Briefly I shall explain:

I had a good friend who offered the use of his pub for our party. The venue happened to be a 'gay' pub. Naively, I didn't see any issues arising from the event being held in a gay pub. But, what actually took place - behind the scenes- as you might say during the evening, shocked me. There was a definite divide amongst the two sets of party attendees. There was an almost aggressive animosity from the 'regular' lesbian pub goers towards the transgendered / transsexual and cross dressing party attendees.

At first, I really couldn't work it out. I remember marching in late 80's (yes - I was still a wee girl then) and 90's throughout London, fighting for 'gay rights', EQUALITY and acceptance. I couldn't understand how or why, one section of a minority group ( who should understand the struggle for acceptance and equality ) could be so against the struggles of another?

As is my character, I started asking questions.... The one comment I can clearly remember was this: "I may be a lesbian, but I'm still ALL woman! Not some wannabe. My pussy's real."

You can imagine, the anger and disappointment I felt.

Going back to the article I read:

BDSM Lifestyle Versus Play

Dennis Najee is an accomplished author and speaker. He advocates freedom above all else. I enjoy reading his articles and have decided to include some, from time to time, on this Blog.

This post was originally written on 29th February 2012: 
Author: Dennis Najee

What do you like about BDSM? Why are you involved? What is it that attracted you and what do you want to get out of it? Questions such as these will determine the direction one opts to take with this genre known as BDSM. As with most things in life, the answers will be individual in nature. Each person is different with goals and aspirations that are personal. That being said, the arena we are in is large enough to fit everyone.

BDSM Scenes

Most find this way of life through the imagery presented on the Internet. We all have noticed the "porn" based pictures and videos promoted by the X-rated industry. Intending to sell more of their product, the World Wide Web is flooded with images depicting the BDSM lifestyle as a sex and bondage show. While there is some realism to what is presented in that some of us implement parts of what is seen, few of us live that way on a daily basis. The truth is we have lives to live.

There are many whose sole interest in BDSM is to "wake things up in the bedroom". If one enters this arena for the main purpose of enhancing the sex in one's relationship, then that is the answer the person is seeking. Many utilize BDSM for role playing and some of the other fetishes offered. These people seek nothing more than play and should not be considered in the "lifestyle". However, they should not be degraded for their decisions either.

At the same time, there are those who engage in BDSM for the "scening" only. What this means is the person wants to be involved in non-committed power exchange scenes. Some will utilize the services of a professional while others will attend munches or clubs where this activity is commonplace. Again, the sole purpose is some short-term satisfaction usually, but not always, on a physical level. Even those who follow this course for some emotional or mental benefit do so on a limited basis.

Please hear me when I tell you there is nothing wrong with adapting aspects of BDSM for play only. This is a wonderful way to enhance one's sex life and if things got a bit stale, BDSM is a way to liven things up. Bondage, power exchange, and impact play are done by millions of couples even without the foreknowledge that they are involving themselves with BDSM. The goal is to follow whatever makes one happy.

BDSM Lifestyle

The word lifestyle is a term that I never truly liked. Nevertheless, it is fitting in the sense that it denotes those people who have a deeper commitment to this way of life than just scening. When I look at BDSM, it is not a lifestyle I chose as much as it is my life. This is what I live each day. I do not awaken and opt for a dominant role but, rather, simply fall into it. Interacting with one who is submissive is natural to me because of what is within me. This is not something that is created or developed as much as it is uncovered. It took a while and was a bit of a process. And it is something that most who pursue this path deeply undergo.

To me, those who choose this as a lifestyle have a power exchange relationship at the core of their lives (or desire one). This is a distinction from those who want to add a little spice to their lives. Many are perfectly content with a relationship based upon equality. However, those of us who found our way here realized at some point that was not for us. A dominant wishes to have the power tilted in his/her favor while a submissive is desiring that same dynamic. While the areas that power exchange pertains to varied from each person, the common ground with all is that it exists.

Another thing that I noticed is the level of commitment that people have to this way of life. Now, I will admit that not everyone is an advocate nor willing to engage in behavior that promotes the lifestyle as a whole. However, because of the Internet, we seem more and more people voicing their opinions about matters that are important to them. There are now patches of people all over the world who hold BDSM in high regard and are willing to defend it against the nitwits out there. More of the abusers are being challenged and brought to light by those who take things seriously. This is a positive sign.

BDSM is about respect. 

It matters little whether one is hard core into the lifestyle or just one who likes some light bondage. Every person has a place as long as they are respectful of others and what we are about. Sadly, this is not the case for many in the online world. Yet as time passes, people are learning the tricks of these nitwits. With information and knowledge comes protection. This is a positive sign for the genre overall. So, if you are interested, enter into our world and explore whatever strikes you. It is an open arena for anyone to try.

What makes a GREAT mistress?

Here is some questions I ask myself on a regular basis: Am I understanding my clients needs? Am I just and fair? Am I a good Mistress? Yes, AM I A Good Mistress? Because If I am not, then I may be doing more damage than good. To me, being a mistress is more than just a job title. It's a profession like any other. I have to be on top of my game.

I often make a list of the basic qualities of a good mistress in my mind and check through them. By basic qualities, I refer to a common list of qualities which every Mistress should possess.

Above all, a good Mistress is always in control of herself. She does not rant or rave, and never punishes when angry. A mistress MUST have control of her emotions.

A good Mistress puts time, energy and creativity in her scenes. She is not satisfied playing the same games over and over, and goes the extra length to come up with new and different ideas.

The best Mistress knows she is human. She realises she will make mistakes, and is quick to apologize when she does. On the flip side, she realises that others will make mistakes also.

The Slave's Duties

The slave's Duties include but are not limited to:

1.  Self-Awareness & Personal Growth.
2.  Service.
3.  Obedience.
4.  Attitude & Respect.
5.  Acceptance of Discipline.
6.  Sexuality.

We will deal with these aspects of the slaves guidelines individually.

1.  Self-Awareness & Personal Growth:

My first duty is to myself.   Without a healthy amount of self-respect and a firm belief in the validity of my choices, I can be of no use to anyone, particularly my Mistress.  I will remember that slavery is not about low self-esteem or self-deprecation.   It’s not about avoiding life’s responsibilities at another’s expense.   It’s not about being or becoming a less intelligent person; rather it is about putting those qualities to Her best use.   

I must do my best to preserve and expand my emotional health, maintain my sense of clarity and purpose, and uphold my willingness to carry on despite mistakes. I must be aware of my strengths and talents, and must gladly offer them to my Mistress for Her own purposes.  From the most exhilarating sexual experience to the most mundane task, whatever I do should be geared toward the growth of the relationship and my personal growth within it.   

The Path of Pain: Spiritual BDSM

The Path of Pain: Spiritual BDSM

Kal Cobalt

"Pain, when pushed and endured long enough, brings to the surface the uninhibited, raw soul of human beings. When two people can experience this together, it is like meeting on another plane." --FifthAngel

Kink. Sadomasochism. Bondage. Dominance and submission. In mainstream society, these things are often associated with a kind of wink-wink nudge-nudge secret sexuality, uncharted territory that surely lies just beyond the fuzzy pink handcuffs and nurses'-uniform lingerie. Within the world of spiritual BDSM practitioners, however, these activities are far from a novelty.

Basic Etiquette in the Dungeon

In general

  • Politeness will get you a long way in the scene. Treat other people as you'd like to be treated.
  • Honesty is highly valued in the lifestyle. Lying, whether about one's experience level, marital status, risk factors, or anything else is frowned upon, and will usually be found out.
  • Touching (even casually) other people or their possessions (including collars, cuffs, and apparel) without permission is unacceptable. Most people enjoy playing show-and-tell, but always get their permission beforehand.
  • Following someone around ("puppy dogging") is likely to creep him or her out, and make them want to avoid you instead of getting to know you.
  • No Dominant may demand anything of another person, unless the other person has consented to engage in play or a relationship. No submissive is under any obligation to serve or obey anyone whom they don't choose to obey or serve.
  • There are usually Dungeon Monitors [DM's], hosts, or people in charge at most organized BDSM settings. They are there to enforce the rules, but are not psychic; if you are victimized by someone, let those in authority know. They cannot do anything for you without knowing that something is wrong, and concerns reported after-the-fact become difficult to validate or enforce.

What is the Reality & what is the fantasy?

Having a conversation with a friend one day, she asked me a question:

 'Are you really the one in control with your clients? I mean, since you are a Professional Dom, aren't your clients really in control?'

The question has rolled around in my head for weeks. I have argued with myself the different answers, the theory, the philosophy.. I came to the conclusion that she is correct. In actual fact, I am not the 'Top'. I am at their mercy. They are the ones in control, not me.

I can hear Dom's shouting in disgust and disbelief. I can hear them saying; 'We are Dom's, we are the dominant power exchangers. We have slaves, subs. they kneel before us and weep.' Yes, they may well kneel and weep in front of us during a session, but, if you dissect the situation to it's core, WE are their slaves.

You may ask how I came to this conclusion.

Fantasy, fetish and the red shoe

Hilary Davidson explores the colourful history of footwear in fairy tales and folklore
The most magical fictional shoes are those that lift their wearers highest above the earth:
flying, dancing, running or transported to divine realms. As well as being physical, the
elevation can be social or spiritual — above the quotidian. Shoes in fairy tales punish and reward,
elevate and entrap, speed and hinder. They are motifs for childhood innocence and protection — yet
certain footwear also has potent erotic connotations. None more so than when the shoes are red.
Hans Christian Andersen makes his first pair of “red shoes” out of a girl’s feet, rubbed raw by
wooden shoes that are too fine for her peasant origins. For the 19th-century Danish author, clogs,
pattens and other such shoes are poor, cheap, always unmagical footwear, signifying gross rustics
who never rise beyond their earthbound positions.