BDSM: Not this year’s blowjob oration

BY NATASHA THONDAVADI

Have you ever gotten a hickey? Given a hickey? Most of us have. But what most of us don’t know is that even something as simple as hickey can share motivations with BDSM, a collective term that denotes the sexual preferences of Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism. Despite this ignorance, about 40 students gathered on Wednesday to hear a panel on the topic of BDSM. From the experienced kinkster to the virgin, everyone seemed to be curious. To be honest, from the moment I saw the event on the Sex Week 2012 calendar, I was intrigued.

As a gaggle of giggling freshmen filed into the back row of the small LC lecture hall, I realised what it was that was so captivating about the event on paper: the spectacle. As a sophomore, I wasn’t at Yale for the famed blow job oration, and this event probably seemed the closest within thisyear’s Sex Week repertoire to the hotly debated scandal. So it’s really remarkable that the panelists managed to keep the dialogue mature and the analysis reasonable — if you expected to see one of the speakers whip out a pair of handcuffs, you were probably one of the many students who trickled out over the course of the talk.

The three panelists offered diverse perspectives. Dr.Charley Ferrer, who ran the show, is a Clinical Sexologist and seemed well versed herself in the goings-on of the BDSM “community” (more on that later).Judy Guerin’s place on the panel derived explicitly from her extensive experience in the practise and education of BDSM. And adding a sobering tone to the whole experience, Dick Cunningham spoke of BDSM from the angle of a legal consultant on issues of discrimination with WASP flair.

Many of the ideas discussed were new to me. The panelists spoke of the “BDSM community” as a source for warmth, advice, acceptance and continuing education — but as one anonymous audience member asked, isn’t BDSM kinda, ya know, private thing? Especially when the speakers seemed to continually stress the difference between the consensual, if uncommon, sexual practices and actual violence. But BDSM can be private or public, sexual or nonsexual — it’s more of a need to, say, feel like a slave than to necessarily be a sex slave. Guerin stressed this angle of looking at BDSM as an overall desire, describing it as her sexual orientation, much as some people would identify as gay or straight.

But regardless of the variety of viewpoints expressed, the panelists agreed that the most important aspect of learning about BDSM is learning to accept the practise. Less than twenty years ago, the desire for BDSM sexual practises was considered a mental illness. While that classification may have been erased, the associated stigmas still exist. And so the speakers stressed that the main take-away from the event should be that BDSM isn’t weird, gross or misogynistic. Rather, it’s anything you and your partner want it to be.

From BDSM to Public Policy

“Stripped Stories: a night of hilarious sex-themed storytelling and games.” As I read this title, I envisioned a twisted Truth or Dare, complete with stories of strippers, whips and whipped cream — maybe even some demonstrations. Being of the “innocently curious” bent that I am, I naturally decided to go. This being Yale — the land of free rainbow parades, dramatic theater majors and “secret” BDSM-themed societies, of course it was what I expected.

Conducted by comedians Giulia Rozzi and Margot Leitman, the session was named after their wildly popular show (voted the “best thing to do in Manhattan with your clothes on” by the NY Press). “Stripped Stories” started with Rozzi and Leitman’s disclaimer that the Saybrook Underbrook, for the one-hour duration of the event, would be a “safe zone” — what was said in the Underbrook would stay in the Underbrook. (Whoops, I guess I’m breaking that rule.) The idea was that Yalies brave enough to attend the session would “unite” through the experience. Kind of like surviving Sigma Alpha Epsilon’s “hell week” and being blood brothers ever after. Fun.

Now to the actual event. The show entertained four speakers, with an interactive audience game serving as an intermission to their stories. The first speaker, Leslie, recounted the story of a boy Doug. “You know a Doug — everyone knows a Doug,” said Leslie. He’s a Mike wishing he were The Dude from “The Big Lebowski” or with some failed “Frat City” swag. “A Doug always insists he’s as funny as Adam Sandler AND as Jewish,” she continued. Leslie’s Doug thought that dead birds left in his bed were funny, and so Leslie sent him dead animals in an attempt to seduce him.

The next story was one with which every girl can identify: falling in love with a walking, talking European cliché, an older French painter called (cue thick French accent) Pierre. Margot’s Pierre had taken his job as a Pierre very seriously; he even wore a beret. He wooed her with his sexy Frenchness and then, through Margot’s college drama and with lots of heartbreak, left her for a senior girl instead. Oh Pierre.

After these two anecdotes followed the best part of any night worth remembering in college (you know you know what I’m talking about): Never Have I Ever. Until that point, I had certainly underestimated the kinkiness of which some Yalies are capable: from changing appearances and walking in on someone to awkward run-ins with exes to orgies. Needless to say, I now know a lot of unnecessary information about a room full of people whose names I however have yet to learn. That’s probably for the best. This, I think, is what Margot and Giulia had meant by the event being a uniting experience; you do develop a bond with others when you get to know when, where and why they’ve lost their underwear.

On to the next story. The third presenter, Dan, discussed his past as a gangly 16-year-old fashion disaster (complete with a mullet and crooked teeth), whose first encounter had been with a “woman of the night.” This was, of course, at the insistence of his cooler cousin. “I may not have lost my virginity, but I did lose my dignity at 16,” Dan said.

All in all, the show was hilarious — having started out being just a teensy bit uncomfortable, the hilarity escalated as the stories just kept getting more cringe-worthy and ridiculous. “Stripped Stories” made me wish I had gone to more Sex Week events. But, as I clutched my stomach and gasped for air while listening to Rozzi regale us with her college attempts to get into a girl’s pants, I realized that the real fun was not a result of my being a part of this awkward community of mishap survivors, as the show presenters had said in the beginning of the show, but a result of laughter and relief: thanking my lucky stars I wasn’t Margot. Or Dan. Or Giulia. Or Leslie. Or Doug’s dead birds.

Today in BDSM News

posted by DAN SAVAGE on FEBRUARY 8 at 16:18 PM

It’s dangerous to leave a tied-up person alone—every kinkster knows that—and you would think that the staff of New York City’s legendary Nutcracker Suite, a world-famous domination studio, would know better than to leave a tied-up client alone.

An unidentified patron of a Midtown S&M club who was bound and suspended from a ceiling while wearing women’s high heels and a neck choker was hospitalized in critical condition Friday, police sources said. While an accident is the most likely cause, police said they are investigating whether he was the victim of a crime….

The man was found about 1:30 a.m. inside the East 33rd Street club known as Nutcracker Suite and Artistic Innovation, wearing his pants but not carrying any identification, police said…. Detectives are trying to determine how long the man was left alone once tied up, sources said. He was discovered in apparent respiratory distress after a club worker checked on him as he was suspended from the ceiling and noticed that his hands looked blue, a police source said.

The law enforcement source said that the club’s staffers were cooperating with the police and told investigators that they had checked on the man in regular intervals after he had been bound and suspended.

Perhaps you can leave someone alone—briefly, and so long as they’re within earshot—if your bondage partner is simply tied to a bed, or comfortably strapped to a bondage board, or locked in a cage. Your “victim” can feel isolated and helpless, if that’s what turns ‘em on, and you can be back in a flash if he or she starts to panic and call out or, you know, if there’s a sudden and unexpected earthquake or electrical fire. But it’s absolutely nuts to leave someone alone insuspension bondage.

Thanks to Slog tipper Jayme.