BDSM Consent in Non-BDSM Sex

By Kayla Beare - Original Post HERE

In a post-#MeToo world, the need for a clear-cut and comprehensive definition of sexual consent has become a topic of conversation for many. The BDSM community is often said to be ahead of the curve in having this conversation, and there is much that can be learnt from this community.

 BDSM, an acronym referring to bondage/discipline, dominance/submission and sadism/masochism, is a term that encompasses a broad range of intimate activities that often, but not always, includes some component of sexual play. BDSM has been around for centuries, as early as Mesopotamian times, but has only recently become part of public discourse in Western societies thanks to kinky books and films such as the 50 Shades of Grey series.

 Unfortunately, the 50 Shades of Grey series, although hugely popular, is not an accurate depiction of healthy BDSM. The books, and films, underplay the consent negotiation process generally present in BDSM play. Consent in BDSM, much like consent in sex more generally, is often considered morally transformative. This means that it defines the morality of a sexual act: without consent, it is abuse but with consent, it is a shared, actively chosen experience.  Consent is so vital to BDSM play that is one of the tenets of the BDSM code: “risk-aware consensual kink “ Arguably, we should all be having sex in which we are aware of the risks and are fully consenting, regardless of whether or not we are engaging in elements of kink or BDSM. Let’s explore the key facets of the BDSM model of consent and its use in non-BDSM sex.

 

BDSM 101 - an Introductory Guide to Humiliation Play for Consenting Adults

Humiliation, according to Wikipedia, is an abasement of pride or mortification. It is the state of being reduced to lowliness or submission. An example of humiliation is: "You are such a dirty little bitch."

Degradation, according to the same source, is the reduction of rank, character or reputation of a person. An example of degradation is: "If you were any fatter, we would have to get rid of your worthless ass."

See the difference?

In play though, there are various ways of humiliating a submissive. First you can have the submissive beg for the privilege of being humiliated. Make them aware that you are doing them a favor by doing it for them. You can use the dirty, sexy, kinky words we all generally do not use like the word "whore". Then you can have them do humiliating things like drinking water from a bowl with no hands or parading them on a leash in front of other people. It all depends on the submissive. Even having them display themselves in a way that they would never even consider could be extremely humiliating. Puppy play and infantilism has some definite elements of humiliation as well. Both of these role play situations clearly show the need to balance care and love with the humiliation. Some submissives need far less to become mortified or ashamed. As it is a lot of submissives are ashamed of being submissive in the first place and having them ask for what shames them, is a great way of putting a submissive right back into his or her place.

Wax Play 101

For many wax play is one of the first experiences within the BDSM realm, this is also the reason that so many people end up getting accidentally hurt. All too often someone is watching a pornographic movie and sees someone drip wax on his or her partner and suddenly they are rummaging through their kitchen cabinets looking for a candle that they can experiment with. “It looked so easy in the movie…” or “The women in the movie seemed to really like it so...” are phrases the emergency room staff have undoubtedly heard time and time again. Although most individuals probably make up some story about accidentally dropping a candle on their naked genitals or knocking a candle over and splashing wax all over their bare back as they turned; having worked in an ER I myself heard a few excuses such as these, although you honestly are suspicious about the method of the injury the means is always quite clear. Wax play done improperly can lead to first and second-degree burns, pain and permanent scarring.

Although wax play is simplistic in nature there are a few very basic safety tips and details that you need to know prior to exploring the wondrous avenue.

First, like with any BDSM play; know your weapon. There are several things you must know about the wax you are using before you can use it.

What type of wax are you using? Each type of wax has a different melting point. The melting point is the temperature that the wax must be to go from solid to liquid and remain so.

Type of Wax Melting point Fahrenheit

Paraffin 120 – 145 degrees

Low temp wax 120 – 125 degrees

Standard jar candles 125 – 135 degrees

The Great Transsexual Radical Feminist Menace

A few years ago (2009 actually) I read an very interesting BLOG post regarding some radical, controversial and somewhat vitriol and angry views expressed by some feminists regarding Transgenderism.

Having re-read the article, I remembered the anger I felt during a 'Drag Queen' event I hosted a couple of years ago.
Briefly I shall explain:

I had a good friend who offered the use of his pub for our party. The venue happened to be a 'gay' pub. Naively, I didn't see any issues arising from the event being held in a gay pub. But, what actually took place - behind the scenes- as you might say during the evening, shocked me. There was a definite divide amongst the two sets of party attendees. There was an almost aggressive animosity from the 'regular' lesbian pub goers towards the transgendered / transsexual and cross dressing party attendees.

At first, I really couldn't work it out. I remember marching in late 80's (yes - I was still a wee girl then) and 90's throughout London, fighting for 'gay rights', EQUALITY and acceptance. I couldn't understand how or why, one section of a minority group ( who should understand the struggle for acceptance and equality ) could be so against the struggles of another?

As is my character, I started asking questions.... The one comment I can clearly remember was this: "I may be a lesbian, but I'm still ALL woman! Not some wannabe. My pussy's real."

You can imagine, the anger and disappointment I felt.

Going back to the article I read:

Basic Etiquette in the Dungeon

In general

• Politeness will get you a long way in the scene. Treat other people as you'd like to be treated.
• Honesty is highly valued in the lifestyle. Lying, whether about one's experience level, marital status, risk factors, or anything else is frowned upon, and will usually be found out.
• Touching (even casually) other people or their possessions (including collars, cuffs, and apparel) without permission is unacceptable. Most people enjoy playing show-and-tell, but always get their permission beforehand.
• Following someone around ("puppy dogging") is likely to creep him or her out, and make them want to avoid you instead of getting to know you.
• No Dominant may demand anything of another person, unless the other person has consented to engage in play or a relationship. No submissive is under any obligation to serve or obey anyone whom they don't choose to obey or serve.
• There are usually Dungeon Monitors [DM's], hosts, or people in charge at most organized BDSM settings. They are there to enforce the rules, but are not psychic; if you are victimized by someone, let those in authority know. They cannot do anything for you without knowing that something is wrong, and concerns reported after-the-fact become difficult to validate or enforce.

Top Ten Tips for Long-Term Male Chastity Device Wear

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What is Foot Worship?

Many of us think of our feet as just being appendages of our bodies that take us from one place to the next. That is true for a great many of us. For people who worship the feet, these parts of our bodies can become scared. The practice of foot worship goes far back into our past when a person would lower their entire body on the ground so as to pay homage to a person of higher stature.

    In this context the phrase “kiss the ground that you walk on” literally means that. Here a subordinate person will show their adoration of the higher ranked person by kissing the ground that they walked on. They show they place a high importance on foot worship by acknowledging that even the feet of such a high individual is far superior to them.

    In the olden days slaves were made not only to prostrate themselves before their conquerors but they were forced to lick and kiss the parts of the floor that the “superior” race had walked on. This method of foot worship showed they understood their status.

    Foot worship can also be associated with foot fetish. Here items of the feet like socks, shoes, toenail rings and others become objects of sacred interest. These items cause the individual to venerate and worship the objects. The objects in this case will take the place of an actual person’s presence and the foot worship can take place at anytime that it is desired.

    There are other ways of foot worship. These are of an erotic nature as they stimulate sexual desires. In this type of foot worship the foot of a female or a male is kissed and the toes are sucked upon. Also burying one’s head in the soles of another person seems to indicate the subservient nature of that person and the superiority of the other.

Supposedly lowering the entire body and showing adulation to the feet of another person who is of a higher rank by foot worship is a way of saying that one person is unworthy of being in the presence of the other and their worship of the feet acknowledge this. Individuals who perform this type of foot worship will also allow themselves to be walked on, stomped upon and they will even let other people of “higher” ranks trample them without any protest.

    I am sure that there are people who think this sort of behaviour is either weird or erotic. I personally would rather perform foot worship by massaging my feet with soothing creams and lotions. Pamper them by soaking them in a bath of Epsom salts. Finally I would just relax my feet by keeping up on the sofa. This would be my version of foot worship.

Written by: Ajith Guptha

Nipple Clamps 101

Everyone usually have a pair of nipples and they can be the gateway to BDSM heaven if treated in a certain way. An activity that can be carried out with this in mind, is what is commonly known as Tit Torture or Nipple Torture.

Nipples are sensitive and a perfect area of the body use for pain and pleasure. Nipple torture can be carried out quite easily by biting on them, licking and pinching them. Keep in mind that it’s highly individual how nipple torture is processed, but with an escalating practice most people can turn the nipple torture into something very enjoyable. Nipples are in other words quite versatile.

You can also get a pair of nipple clamps or a good old-fashioned clothing pin if you are on a budget, I prefer the wooden ones, mostly for aesthetic reasons. The downside with regular clothing pins is that is impossible to control the pressure they apply on the nipple – And this is where a pair of nipple clamps comes into the picture, because they give you a greater level of control.

So if you want to have more control when applying the pain to the nipples, then you have a couple of choices as nipple clamps come in all sorts. I am going to sort out the differences between the basic ones as they all open up for new possibilities..

Before you start playing with nipple torture, there are some basic guidelines that are always good to follow:

The majority of nipple torture involves cutting off circulation to the nipples, the general rule is that nipple clamps shouldn’t be used for more than 10-15 minutes in order to prevent permanent damage to nerve ends among other thing.

Always try the clamps on yourself to get a sense of what you are subjecting your submissive to.

If you are using a pair of wooden clothing pins, be sure to use them on something else a couple of times to take the “bite” out of them.

If you or your submissive haven’t done nipple torture before, then don’t go for the meanest ones – Start slowly and work your way up for a longer period of time.

The line between pleasure and pain when using nipple clamps are very thin. Be sure to stay below that line in order to get maximum pleasure out of your nipple torture.

The nipples can get hypersensitive, even for days, afterwards.
 

Clover clamps

Clover clamps are also known as Japanese clamps as they have appeared in a lot of Japanese style porn movies. The clover clamp have smaller points, compared to other clamps, that are rubberised. The rubber helps to create a firm grip around the nipple which is necessary as clover clamps have a twist to them.

The more you pull on a clover clamp the harder it grabs hold of the nipple. This means that if you have a chain between a pair of clover clamps, then you can hang weights on the chain in order to increase the pressure on the nipple. Clover clamps have an initial nasty bite to them and are considered only to be used on submissive that are experienced in using nipple clamps.

Clover clamps are best applied a little bit behind the actual nipple as the points of pressure are small – If they are applied in such a way that they just grab hold of half of the nipple, then the bite is turned into a pinch which can make anyone pass out. The clover clamps should be applied gently and slowly as any mistake can be too painful.

Bull nosed clamps

Bull nosed clamps have blunt ends covered in rubber or latex and a screw in the middle which allows you to control the pressure they apply on the nipple. These clamps offer the same comfort as Tweezer clamps, the pressure on the nipple is fairly moderate even when they are tightened as far as they can be.

The pressure area is also fairly large in comparison with the clover clamps, which also makes these clamps to be considered as “nice” ones that are suitable for the aspiring beginner in the art of nipple torture.

Applying the bull nosed clamps can be a little bit of a hassle as you need to have a firm grip of the nipple between tip of your index finger and thumb to make it stick out. While holding that grip you need to guide the clamp in place and screw on it in order to make it grab hold of the nipple. As you understand from reading this – It is a troublesome task.

One solution is that the submissive grab hold of the nipple while the dominant concentrate on guiding the clamp and tightening the grip. This is of course  hard if your submissive is tied up.

Tweezer clamps

Tweezer clamps are graceful looking and very aesthetically pleasing. The pressure they apply on the nipple is regulated by a small metal ring that is moved up or down along the tweezer. The pressure that applied on the nipple by a tweezer clamp is minimal as the tweezer itself is very thin and the metal tend to budge. The rubber tips also helps to avoid a harsh pain when using tweezer clamps.

The grip of the tweezer clamp makes it unsuitable to sustain weights and if you pull on them they usually lose their grip. When applying these clamps, then you have the same problem as when you apply the bull nose clamps – You need to keep a grip on the nipple while guiding the clamp and adjusting the pressure ring. These clamps are also very hard to use on someone with small nipples and they are best applied straight on a stiff nipple.

The metal also gets weakened after extensive use, so you have to buy new ones now and then – On the other hand, they are fairly inexpensive.

No rubber protection

When you get more experienced with the tweezer clamps then you can remove the rubber tips and that reveals a pair of metal teeth which will make the clamp dig into the nipple, this is more for hardcore play and it might break some skin as well. If you decide to use the clamps without the rubber tips, then be sure the clean them carefully before and after use in a suitable disinfectant. An infection in your nipple is not something that you would want and it can actually affect your ability to breast feed later in life.

My personal opinion is that tweezer clamps are mostly for show as the tactile sensation is minimal – But if you have a low threshold when it comes to pain while having your nipples stimulated then these clamps are a very good start.

Tweezer clamps was actually my first pair of clamps that I bought and I find them very useful when I am in the start of nipple training a submissive as they are very soft.

C-clamps

C-clamps require that you can invoke a fairly large nipple erection to make the clamp grab hold of the nipple. The big flat surface creates a evenly distributed pressure across the nipple.

My experience is that you have to tighten these clamps fairly hard to make them they stay in place. The smaller nipple you have, the smaller surface for the C-clamp to grab hold of. The area between the two metal rods is usually small, which makes it virtually impossible to apply the clamp behind the nipple.

Applying these clamps involves the same problem as with tweezer clamps and bull nosed clamps – You wish you had three hands when trying to put these on a submissive. These are actually the hardest ones to put on as you only have the nipple to work with, so you have to be very delicate in your grip while trying to move the nipple into the clamp.

The psychological enjoyment of nipple clamps

As I mentioned before, nipple clamps constricts or even cuts of circulation to the nipples. There is some pressure/pain involved when applying the clamps onto the nipples, but that pain will usually dissipate as the body gets used to the sensation and produces endorphins. This is also why the dominant should keep track of the time that the clamps stays on, as the submissive might not feel any pain at all after a couple of minutes.

There is a psychological twist with nipple clamps that is quite enjoyable – They hurt even more when you remove them.

As you constrict the blood flow to the nipples you also make them numb. As the blood rushes back into the area that has been constricted, the feeling also returns creating an overload at the nerve ends. This means that the submissive will in most cases feel a very sharp and intense, uncontrollable, pain when the clamps are removed.

This can be used in favour of the dominant – Remove one clamp and let the submissive ride through the pain. Then you remind the sub that there is one clamp left and that you have to remove that as well. The longer you let the clamps stay one, the more excruciating the pain will be when you remove them and that can be enough to send someone into subspace. Be sure to keep the basic rule; Don’t leave the clamps on no longer than 10-15 minutes to avoid permanent damage to the nerve ends.

Happy clamping everyone and feel free to write about your experiences with nipple clamps as comments to this post.

Is there such a thing as temporary branding?

It seems there is... and it's called Cell Popping.

Cell popping? Have you heard of it? Most people have not and I stumbled upon it quite by accident. Basically, it is a form of temporary branding. Did I get it done on me? No, absolutely not, I am a chicken when it comes to pain, but I do cell-popping on others. You could call me an amateur cell popping artist. Let me tell you a bit more about cell popping.

Recently I have developed a curiosity for what we call edge play, less run of the mill activities that a smaller portion of players may practice. As I was reading various topics on a website dedicated to BDSM I fell on a group called Cell Popping. I had no idea what it was so I started to read the articles of this group.

I soon discovered it was a term coined by ArtisticDomme, a Mistress who had reawakened an art once referred to as Devil’s Fire. So what is exactly, getting your cells popped? This body mod is considered a temporary branding that lasts anywhere from 2 weeks to 6 months (or longer) depending on each person’s healing cycle. Basically, it is heating a small metal poker under a flame until it is glowing red and gently applying the poker to the skin for like 1 second. It is a small surface burn.

Of course, you want to make it pretty or aesthetic looking. The best way to achieve this is by choosing a pattern and draw it on a piece of paper. But here is the tricky part: you must be able to cut out a negative of the design. This will become your template. A good easy first attempt is a simple tribal design. Intricate designs will not really work unless you are really good at freehand designs. Keep in mind you will be burning an outline of the design.

Humiliation? Degradation? Or embarrassment?

An experienced Dominant once defined the difference in this way:  Embarrassment is something you do to yourself.   Humiliation is something that someone else does to you.   I’m still thinking about that one, but it’s an interesting way to compare the two.

Verbal Humiliation attacks a person’s humanity; that trait that we call pride.   Whether done in a hurtful manner or in a consensual format, it pokes fun at our dignity.   Telling a humiliating story about something a person has done or using words to cause a person embarrassment about something demonstrates that the Dominant has the power to make the submissive tolerate the situation.   The Dominant usually enjoys the display of power and the submissive enjoys the relinquishment of that power.

Physical Humiliation is about the same power exchange, but in a more obvious way.   A Dominant might demonstrate his power over her by making her wear something that she is not comfortable wearing, forcing her to display her body in a way that she is uncomfortable with, or do something that illustrates his ability to control her.   When giving a submissive an order to do something humiliating, be patient.   There is a period of time that is required for this to sink in.   She will likely take a few seconds to believe that you actually said what she thought you said, a few more seconds to convince herself that she must obey this order, and more time to summon up the courage to actually act on it.   

Many Dominants make the mistake of taking this inaction to mean that they have gone too far, and will often retract or soften the order in some way.   This robs the submissive of the opportunity to demonstrate her submission.   Be patient!   In the negotiation process, discuss how much resistance she is likely to have to acceptable humiliation and how to handle that resistance.   Make sure there is a safeword or safe statement that she can make to indicate that this is beyond her ability at the present time.

It is not necessary that anyone else actually witness the humiliation.   Sometimes, simply performing in front of the Dominant is humiliating enough.   Another option is to have the submissive perform a humiliating feat in private, while threatening to repeat it at some future point in public.   Just be careful not to threaten too often without actually following through on the threat.   Your credibility must be maintained.   Her anticipation of this future event will probably be as powerful as the actual event.   Good examples of public humiliation in the vanilla world might be having the submissive wear some clip, clamp, plug or bondage under her clothing while having dinner.   Although completely unseen, the presence of observers will probably cause fantasies of discovery.   A common ploy is to tell a submissive to leave the restaurant table, go to the ladies room and remove her panties.   

BDSM 101 QUIZ

Can BDSM be a form of therapy?

Can BDSM be a form of therapy? Is it therapeutic? What do we actually mean when we use the words “therapy” and “therapeutic”?

Therapy means different things to different people. For individuals dealing with mental illness, therapy can be akin to physiotherapy, except happening in the mind. We need to stretch the mind in a correct and suitable manner so our mind can function normally in daily life.

Therapeutic can also mean different things to different people, but many people use the word to refer to some kind of de-stressing process. Something that can leave us feeling energised, satisfied, relaxed and healing.

BDSM activities often involve power, violence, and behaviours that are outside of everyday normal activities. It provides a space for individual to engage in transgression that can unlock and free up repressed areas. Having access to a space of personal (emotional and physical) freedom can be therapeutic for some people.

Sadomasochistic practices, in particular, have been discussed as a kind of self-help, in the sense that they hold the potential to transform an individual by providing a window into his or her identity. Andrea Beckmann addresses these ‘transformative potentials’ (Beckmann, 2001: 80) of sadomasochistic activities in her study of practitioners of consensual SM in London; she makes the point that, for some individuals, SM provides a space that ‘allows for a more ‘‘authentic’’ (as founded on experience) relation to ‘‘self’’ and others.

(Beckmann, 2009: 91).” – (Lindemann, 2011) from Sage Journal

In BDSM as Therapy, Lindemann’s article in Sage Journal (linked to at the end of this article), the author outline four overlapping types of “therapeutic” experiences that may be discovered in the process of engaging with BDSM activities:

• as healthful alternatives to sexual repression
• as atonement rituals
• as mechanisms for gaining control over prior trauma
• and (in the case of ‘humiliation sessions’) as processes through which clients experience psychological revitalization through shame

The Vanilla vs. Kink Crossover

 Courtesy of:

When it comes to vanillas and kinksters there’s a real “us” and “them” attitude.  It’s like the Sharks and the Jets (Yes, I’m showing my age . . . and my love for musicals.  Quiet, or I’ll dance fight your ass.).   If you’re one you can’t be the other.  You should never let it be known you occasionally associate with the opposing side, right?  Look how badly that turned out for Tony and Maria.

It’s also assumed if you’re on one side you think the other is less than worthy.  Breaking it down to basic stereotypes, vanillas think kinksters are scary and weird. Kinksters think vanillas are unadventurous and boring.

I can’t tell you how many times a self identified vanilla has asked me, “How do I tell my partner I want some new things in bed?  I’ve never told them I like some light spanks and nibbles— even a hand on the throat sometimes.  I’d love for them to take charge a bit more and be more demanding. I also really enjoy role-playing.  But don’t think I’m into, like, *makes the face* BDSM or anything. All that crazy stuff is just too freaky for me!”

I’m not sure what most people think BDSM is?  Sawing people in half while wearing all leather?  Let’s examine a few “other side” observations about BDSM:

The Outfits 

Practicing BDSM does not require special clothing.  Yes, I’ve heard people say, “How silly would I look practicing S&M!? No one wants to see my muffin-top popping through a latex catsuit!”  Or “I wouldn’t mind taking charge a little bit, it could be fun— but there’s no way I’d even try kink because of those outlandish get-ups they wear!”

You can be naked, in work clothes, lingerie, jeans and a sassy sweater, a baseball uniform, a space suit– whatever you like!  The clothes in no way define the action.  Yes, the leather and whips are what we see in porn, magazines and on TV— that’s because it’s flashy (and hot to spank it to).  It’s also a stereotype.

Nope, I don’t want to see my muffin-top in a catsuit either and I can’t walk in heels to save my life– but I still practice BDSM.  I often do it in the ratty old nightgown I got from Old Navy.

The Acronym 

BDSM stands for Bondage & Discipline/Dominance & Submission/Sadism & Masochism.  It can be one or more of these things but for many it’s rarely all.

Sometimes do you like your lover to take charge, pin you up against the wall and give you direction?  That’s dominance and submission.

Do you like to give your partner a smack on the ass or hold them a bit tightly?  What about a little bite or nibble?  Have you ever left a little mark that’s visible the next day?  Sadism!  If you like receiving, that’s masochism.

Do you enjoy restraining your lover?  Pinning their hands behind their back or above their head?  Perhaps tying their wrists or ankles together with a scarf or tie?  Bondage!

If you have done any of these things, you are practicing elements of BDSM without even realizing it.

Also, kinky people do not necessarily like every kind of freaky activity under the sun (most don’t).  Just because you enjoy being tied up every once and a while does not mean you also have to like pain and vice versa.  If you are into the BD but not the SM you are still technically considered a practitioner of BDSM.  It’s a common misconception that people have to be into the B, the D, the S and the M to be considered kinky.

The Gear

Many assume you need to have expensive floggers, whips, ball gags and a “saw a person in half machine” to effectively practice BDSM.  Have you ever used a scarf or tie to blindfold a partner?  Yes? Then you’ve engaged in sensory deprivation on a dime!

Use that same scarf or tie to restrain their hands or feet— we’re back to bondage again.  What about that French maid costume from three Halloweens ago you got out that one night to surprise your partner just for kicks?  Sexual roleplay!

You can even grab some clothes pins out of the laundry room for impromptu nipple clamps.  While you’re in the laundry room, grab the clothes line rope too— it’s great for restraint.  Even something as simple as a wooden kitchen spoon makes a wonderful paddle.

Whether you’ve used these items in a vanilla setting “once just for fun” or intended to use them for sinister and mysterious (that’s sarcastic) BDSM, you’ve discovered pervertables!  Pervertables are common household items repurposed as sexy/kinky accessories.  With pervertables you can get your kink on for little to no money.  Many of us, vanilla and kinky alike, have used pervertables (think cucumbers or  that phallic shaped shampoo bottle that was popular in the 90s. Uh huh. You know you did.).

The only piece of gear you must have to practice kink is your mind.  They always say the greatest (vanilla) sexual organ is the brain— the same goes for kinky sex.  All you really need is your imagination and creativity.

Public Play 

“BDSM sounds sort of interesting but I just can’t do it.  I can’t have sex in front of people or go to kinky parties! Also, I’m in a happy monogamous relationship, I can’t do that with other people—EW! That is just NOT my thing!”

Yes, some kinksters do go to parties, play publicly and play with multiple partners even if they are in a committed primary relationship.  Those folks are only a small piece of the pie, however.  There are scores of people who identify as kinky but only share that with their partners.  They don’t belong to internet groups, go to parties or shout it from the rooftops.  We’re not sure how many of those are out there but I’m willing to bet it’s quite a few.  Then add to that the people who are kinky who don’t realize they are (the “I’m into hair pulling, spanking and I occasionally like to go in the bathtub and pee on my partner but I’m not into any of that freaky BDSM stuff or anything” types).  See where I’m going with this?

Public players are usually very dedicated to their sexy hobby.  They also aren’t afraid to tell everyone about it.  These folks have blogs dedicated to kink, join BDSM social groups and websites, they are even the people writing the BDSM books.

Just because the public kinksters have the loudest mouths, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are an accurate representation of the entire kinky pie.

Think of public kinksters as the crisscross patterned golden crust everyone sees on the surface of the pie— but what about the hidden sweet filling?

Much of that pie filling is comprised of private players.  These are your neighbors who like to get their freak on alone in their bedroom once a month when the kids are away on a Cub Scout sleepover.  It’s your roommate who told you one night after a few beers they prefer lovers who are rough, commanding and pull on their hair.  It might even be you.  Many of these pie filling people don’t even realize they are kinky!

But how could that be?  How can someone not know they are practicing BDSM?  Well, namely because there really is no “US and THEM,” a least not in a clear-cut sense.  When it comes to vanilla vs. kink activities there’s a huge crossover.

Break it down like this, for instance . . .

Vanilla acts =  Regular intercourse, oral sex, kissing, light touching, giggling, etc.

Kinky acts = Spanking, retraining, biting/nibbling, telling someone what to do/doing as told, pain (hair pulling, squeezing, pinching, etc), role-playing, using toys, etc.

Most of us, self identified kinky or vanilla, engage in activities from both categories during play.  I’m kinky but I still engage in intercourse, oral sex and pretty much everything from the vanilla list.  I can guarantee a large percentage of the vanilla folks dig some of the stuff on the kinky list also.

When it comes to sexual/intimate activities we can’t agree on what is kinky or vanilla.  To some sex toys are kinky but to others they are commonplace.  On which list would you put anal sex?  69?  Cumming on someone’s face?  Tickling? Calling your partner a “good little whore?” Pinching nipples very hard? It’s all subjective.

The writing of this blog post was inspired by the mental image of a Venn diagram that popped into my head randomly a few nights ago.  I’ve drawn it out for you.  Forgive me for using MS Paint. Part of my brain still lives in 1997.

On the vanilla side we can include basic activities like kissing, snuggling and missionary position sex with the lights out.  The kink side would clearly include some of the more extreme things such as play piercing/blood play, scat and perhaps clown sex.

But again, this is all subjective.  I can’t really put electric play in the Kink category because housewives of middle America are currently loving the Jopen Intensity vibrator/kegel exerciser. That toy is marketed to the mainstream but operates based on the same principles as a TENS unit (usually associated with BDSM).  These vanilla ladies are receiving the exact same sensation as they would from an insertable BDSM electric device but they’d never guess!

So what’s the point?  Simply, stop playing “Us and Them.” Pointing the finger at others prevents us from experimenting, growing and discovering what we enjoy sexually.  It ultimately keeps us from being happy.

If I’m into BDSM and I feel like having a slow, tender vanilla lovemaking session I should be able to tell my partner I want that without fearing they’ll think I’ve lost my edge.  If I’m vanilla and have been longing for my lover yank me by the hair and give my ass a good smack, I should be able to ask for that without being afraid they’ll think I’m a weirdo.  It’s not about living up to yourself proclaimed label, it’s about doing what feels right.

Your task: ask your lover to try out that thing you’ve been thinking about but we’re too afraid to bring up for fear they’d think it was out of character for you.  You might find it’s easier than you imagined to delve into some of those things you always thought would remain just a fantasy.

Sunnymegatron: - Posted on 30 July 2012 

http://sunnymegatron.com/postname/kink-2/

THE RULES OF ETIQUETTE as written by a submissive client

Introduction This article should help submissives - especially new submissives - to make a good (first) impression when visiting a professional Domina and to establish a trouble-free relation afterwards. Based on my experiences about the poor quality of some calls many Pro-Dommes received and their reaction afterwards I’m convinced that in this case, more information is better than less Information as thoroughness is important here. Simply because one can make still mistakes even if one is respectful and polite when communicating with a Domina. Essential information before all communication 

• Professional Femdom is not prostitution; Pro-Dommes are not prostitutes. If you are looking for sexual activities never and under no circumstance contact a Pro-Domme. The same goes if you are looking for any kind of intimate worship or nudity (including topless) on her part.

There are people using #BDSM as a way to abuse.

"Within this lifestyle there are unfortunately many dangers, there are people out there using the BDSM lifestyle as a way to abuse or use individuals under an umbrella of acceptance. Within each situation there are warning signs that we see, unfortunately sometimes we do not see these warning signs until it is too late. There are many people that say they are a Dominant are not, instead they are users, abusers, predators, wannabees, bullies, and manipulators. This article is designed to help people understand what a warning sign or red flag is, and hopefully prevent someone from getting hurt.

Some people think that just because they have read all the books and watched all the movies that they are instant Dominants; Instant Dominant…Just Add Water, and Shake Well. Just because he or she has a few floggers doesn't mean they know how to use them or that they are a Dominant of any form. Just because someone orders you around or attempts to control your life doesn't mean they are a Dominant. Being a Dominant is a menagerie of infinite strengths and weaknesses combined together with all the normal human mediocrities. It takes a lifetime of learning and growing to be a Dominant, and those that believe otherwise may not have a true grasp of the concept. Even as one is able to claim the title of Dominant, Master, Mistress, Lord, or Lady, God or Goddess, one is still learning, the learning is a never ending road that allows us to travel into the exciting and new dimensions of this adventure called BDSM.

As a Dominant myself I have come to understand that every Dominant does things in a different manner, and that just because what they do is different from what I do, it doesn't make what they do wrong, it just makes it different. However there is a difference between just being different and being dangerous.

If someone submits to you because they fear you, then you are a bully not a Dominant.

 If someone submits to you because you give him or her expensive presents then you are a pimp not a Dominant.

 If someone submits to you because you threaten to leave or abandon him or her if they refuse then you are a manipulator, not a Dominant.

 If someone submits to you because you wont leave him or her alone if they don\'t then you are a predator not a Dominant.

 If someone submits to you because you will beat him or her if they don\'t then you are an abuser not a Dominant.

There are far too many individuals out there in today\'s society that manipulate, abuse, use, and lie to others in an effort to gain their service and respect."

Courtesy of: The Iron Gate

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The Spiritual Dimension Of S/M

"A knight should be bold, fair, courteous and well-mannered, generous and loyal, not foolish or rash, and should speak fairly without discourtesy. A knight should be all this, and also proud and fierce to his enemies, and kind to his friends." -Durmart

The Spiritual Dimension Of S/M

COURTESY OF: ChrisM of SubBondage.net

Let's begin our discussion of SM spirituality on something of a tangent: the people you have surely met at community functions who claim to have been "trained" in some sort of "ancient order." Some say they are "old guard" which actually means something. Others claim to be "the old school" or in "Classic style" which means nothing, or, more accurately, means whatever you want it to mean. Some describe Roissy-like training academies in Europe, Japan, or other exotic locales, and often stress secrecy and exclusivity in their lengthy, impromptu descriptions.

So far as I know, none of these ancient domination training academies really exist. No historical literature, no websites, no consistency in the stories told by "graduates" are ever provided. No pictorials in "Shiny" or "Skin Two" whose lifeblood is publicizing all things fetish. None of my gay brothers, who have a longer continuous heritage than us hets, has evidence of ancient SM academies (though some do find it a hot fantasy). Its true that in recent years, SM training academies like Butchmans in Las Vegas, have opened their doors to students. And For the past ten years, GMSMA has been teaching a fifteen session tops school for its members. The training of couples have long been part of the dominitrix's trade. And there have always been, clusters and communities where sex and sado-erotic activities were shared. Pompeii has frescoes testifying to this. Even our venerable Ben Franklin was a member of London's infamous hellfire club, an exclusive SM brothel, catering to the well heeled and exotic of taste. But if Knightly Orders of SM do exist, they do a good job of pretending they do not. Still I meet two or three people a year who give varying claims of having been through them. These purported students often speak in a hodgepodge of martial arts lingo, Gor Novels, and Jedi-knighthood which itself was a 1970's hodgepodge of Tolkein, King Arthur, and John Wayne Westerns. This sense of pomp carries over into the moody elevator music like "Enigma" so ubiquitous at SM functions, and use of prenominals like "Sir" which, in times past, signified knighthood. You see it in their solemn, deportment and in the Halloween-like outfits worn without a shred of humor or irony.

Safety within BDSM

BDSM health, safety, and risks

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Types Of Control in #BDSM

Since the different varieties of BDSM overlap, a mutually exclusive and exhaustive classification system is not very useful. Instead an overview of different types of control allows you to express your wants and needs (and meh’s and do-not-want’s) more clearly with your partner.

Physical Control. 

Bondage is the most obvious form of physical control because it restrains the bottom, thus limiting their physical freedom. Of course, physical control is not only about restraining limbs. It can involve confinement, such as keeping someone prisoner in a dungeon or locking a person on a human-size birdcage. It can involve physically overpowering someone without restraints and instead pinning them down with your forearms or using your body weight to keep them off balance. It may involve having a third person stand guard at the doorway in case the bottom flees.

The essence of physical control is that the bottom is not necessarily playing along with the scenario. He or she can resist. The bottom may struggle against restraints, or try to flee the cage, or fight back in a simulated abduction all as part of the escapist arousal process that lends to the sensation of being overpowered by a stronger force—but not necessarily outsmarted by a superior intellect.

Processing Pain in Play: What Can Interrupt or Block Pain Processing?

 By lunaKM Submissive Guide 

What do you think can interrupt your pain processing ability? If you’ve experienced anything like I have, there are moments where you just can’t change the pain response to anything beyond pain. What normally feels really good is just not. There are a number of things that can block your ability to translate the pain using techniques talked about earlier.

Let’s think about the things that we need to actively process pain and make play enjoyable for both parties. You need focus, trust, little to no distraction, appropriate mood, and a healthy and rested body. Any of these things can fall out of balance and then you may have issues processing pain.

Mood

Mood is separated in two parts. Your emotional state and the environmental mood set up by the scene.

A list of roles within BDSM from #FetLife

Discovered this list of general roles within BDSM on Fetlife today - Worth a look.

Dominant: A person who seeks to exercise power, authority, or control; usually over a submissive in a D/s dynamic.

Domme: A person who seeks to exercise power, authority, or control; usually female or feminine-presenting and usually over a submissive in a D/s dynamic.

Switch: A person who enjoys participating in either side of a sexual/kink dynamic depending on mood, partner, or situation.

submissive: A person who seeks to submit or give up control; usually to a Dominant or Domme in a D/s dynamic.

Master: A person who seeks to exercise power, authority, or control; usually over a slave in an M/s dynamic.

Mistress: A person who exercises control as an owner or dominant over someone else; usually female or feminine-presenting and usually over a slave in an M/s dynamic.