Consent NEEDS communication.

There's a lot of discourse about consent going on lately. And that's a good thing. We've ignored consent violations too long, both as a BDSM community and in American culture as a whole. As much as it's frustrating and painful to talk about such things, talking about consent and what it means is good and healthy for us. It's like lancing a wound, it hurts and a lot of pus comes out at first, but it's what's required to start the healing process.

BDSM Consent in Non-BDSM Sex

By Kayla Beare - Original Post HERE

In a post-#MeToo world, the need for a clear-cut and comprehensive definition of sexual consent has become a topic of conversation for many. The BDSM community is often said to be ahead of the curve in having this conversation, and there is much that can be learnt from this community.

 BDSM, an acronym referring to bondage/discipline, dominance/submission and sadism/masochism, is a term that encompasses a broad range of intimate activities that often, but not always, includes some component of sexual play. BDSM has been around for centuries, as early as Mesopotamian times, but has only recently become part of public discourse in Western societies thanks to kinky books and films such as the 50 Shades of Grey series.

 Unfortunately, the 50 Shades of Grey series, although hugely popular, is not an accurate depiction of healthy BDSM. The books, and films, underplay the consent negotiation process generally present in BDSM play. Consent in BDSM, much like consent in sex more generally, is often considered morally transformative. This means that it defines the morality of a sexual act: without consent, it is abuse but with consent, it is a shared, actively chosen experience.  Consent is so vital to BDSM play that is one of the tenets of the BDSM code: “risk-aware consensual kink “ Arguably, we should all be having sex in which we are aware of the risks and are fully consenting, regardless of whether or not we are engaging in elements of kink or BDSM. Let’s explore the key facets of the BDSM model of consent and its use in non-BDSM sex.

 

BDSM Lifestyle Versus Play

Dennis Najee is an accomplished author and speaker. He advocates freedom above all else. I enjoy reading his articles and have decided to include some, from time to time, on this Blog.

This post was originally written on 29th February 2012: 

Author: Dennis Najee

http://dennisnajee.blogspot.co.uk/

What do you like about BDSM? Why are you involved? What is it that attracted you and what do you want to get out of it? Questions such as these will determine the direction one opts to take with this genre known as BDSM. As with most things in life, the answers will be individual in nature. Each person is different with goals and aspirations that are personal. That being said, the arena we are in is large enough to fit everyone.

BDSM Scenes

Most find this way of life through the imagery presented on the Internet. We all have noticed the "porn" based pictures and videos promoted by the X-rated industry. Intending to sell more of their product, the World Wide Web is flooded with images depicting the BDSM lifestyle as a sex and bondage show. While there is some realism to what is presented in that some of us implement parts of what is seen, few of us live that way on a daily basis. The truth is we have lives to live.

There are many whose sole interest in BDSM is to "wake things up in the bedroom". If one enters this arena for the main purpose of enhancing the sex in one's relationship, then that is the answer the person is seeking. Many utilize BDSM for role playing and some of the other fetishes offered. These people seek nothing more than play and should not be considered in the "lifestyle". However, they should not be degraded for their decisions either.

At the same time, there are those who engage in BDSM for the "scening" only. What this means is the person wants to be involved in non-committed power exchange scenes. Some will utilize the services of a professional while others will attend munches or clubs where this activity is commonplace. Again, the sole purpose is some short-term satisfaction usually, but not always, on a physical level. Even those who follow this course for some emotional or mental benefit do so on a limited basis.

Please hear me when I tell you there is nothing wrong with adapting aspects of BDSM for play only. This is a wonderful way to enhance one's sex life and if things got a bit stale, BDSM is a way to liven things up. Bondage, power exchange, and impact play are done by millions of couples even without the foreknowledge that they are involving themselves with BDSM. The goal is to follow whatever makes one happy.

BDSM Lifestyle

The word lifestyle is a term that I never truly liked. Nevertheless, it is fitting in the sense that it denotes those people who have a deeper commitment to this way of life than just scening. When I look at BDSM, it is not a lifestyle I chose as much as it is my life. This is what I live each day. I do not awaken and opt for a dominant role but, rather, simply fall into it. Interacting with one who is submissive is natural to me because of what is within me. This is not something that is created or developed as much as it is uncovered. It took a while and was a bit of a process. And it is something that most who pursue this path deeply undergo.

To me, those who choose this as a lifestyle have a power exchange relationship at the core of their lives (or desire one). This is a distinction from those who want to add a little spice to their lives. Many are perfectly content with a relationship based upon equality. However, those of us who found our way here realized at some point that was not for us. A dominant wishes to have the power tilted in his/her favor while a submissive is desiring that same dynamic. While the areas that power exchange pertains to varied from each person, the common ground with all is that it exists.

Another thing that I noticed is the level of commitment that people have to this way of life. Now, I will admit that not everyone is an advocate nor willing to engage in behavior that promotes the lifestyle as a whole. However, because of the Internet, we seem more and more people voicing their opinions about matters that are important to them. There are now patches of people all over the world who hold BDSM in high regard and are willing to defend it against the nitwits out there. More of the abusers are being challenged and brought to light by those who take things seriously. This is a positive sign.

BDSM is about respect. 

It matters little whether one is hard core into the lifestyle or just one who likes some light bondage. Every person has a place as long as they are respectful of others and what we are about. Sadly, this is not the case for many in the online world. Yet as time passes, people are learning the tricks of these nitwits. With information and knowledge comes protection. This is a positive sign for the genre overall. So, if you are interested, enter into our world and explore whatever strikes you. It is an open arena for anyone to try.

Top Ten Tips for Long-Term Male Chastity Device Wear

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The key difference between S&M and ABUSE

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BDSM: Mental Health and the Issue of Consent

Consent is the important red line that exists between BDSM and abuse, and it is important that we see that such a line matters. It’s the basis for negotiating the distance and intimacies we allow when we let others approach our body, and our mind.

YOU OWN YOUR LINES OF CONSENT

There is a misconception that there is only one red line of consent, a kind of universal experience, but in the real world each individual will have their own red lines and ways of negotiating these. Some people see being hugged as a breach of consent, others hug strangers without giving it a second thought.

When you interact with others, you need to see your own red lines as well as your partner’s. You need to monitor both those lines and keep adjusting your actions accordingly, and that monitoring is continuous. What might be off limits at one time is not necessarily off limits at another time, what is no-go with one person might be OK with another, and any mind-altering substance (such as alcohol or drugs) can give a dangerous false sense of where the lines are and need to be carefully accounted for.

MENTAL HEALTH AND CONSENT

The interplay between mental health issues and consent affects who is responsible and how to form better negotiations.

The Vanilla vs. Kink Crossover

 Courtesy of:

When it comes to vanillas and kinksters there’s a real “us” and “them” attitude.  It’s like the Sharks and the Jets (Yes, I’m showing my age . . . and my love for musicals.  Quiet, or I’ll dance fight your ass.).   If you’re one you can’t be the other.  You should never let it be known you occasionally associate with the opposing side, right?  Look how badly that turned out for Tony and Maria.

It’s also assumed if you’re on one side you think the other is less than worthy.  Breaking it down to basic stereotypes, vanillas think kinksters are scary and weird. Kinksters think vanillas are unadventurous and boring.

I can’t tell you how many times a self identified vanilla has asked me, “How do I tell my partner I want some new things in bed?  I’ve never told them I like some light spanks and nibbles— even a hand on the throat sometimes.  I’d love for them to take charge a bit more and be more demanding. I also really enjoy role-playing.  But don’t think I’m into, like, *makes the face* BDSM or anything. All that crazy stuff is just too freaky for me!”

I’m not sure what most people think BDSM is?  Sawing people in half while wearing all leather?  Let’s examine a few “other side” observations about BDSM:

The Outfits 

Practicing BDSM does not require special clothing.  Yes, I’ve heard people say, “How silly would I look practicing S&M!? No one wants to see my muffin-top popping through a latex catsuit!”  Or “I wouldn’t mind taking charge a little bit, it could be fun— but there’s no way I’d even try kink because of those outlandish get-ups they wear!”

You can be naked, in work clothes, lingerie, jeans and a sassy sweater, a baseball uniform, a space suit– whatever you like!  The clothes in no way define the action.  Yes, the leather and whips are what we see in porn, magazines and on TV— that’s because it’s flashy (and hot to spank it to).  It’s also a stereotype.

Nope, I don’t want to see my muffin-top in a catsuit either and I can’t walk in heels to save my life– but I still practice BDSM.  I often do it in the ratty old nightgown I got from Old Navy.

The Acronym 

BDSM stands for Bondage & Discipline/Dominance & Submission/Sadism & Masochism.  It can be one or more of these things but for many it’s rarely all.

Sometimes do you like your lover to take charge, pin you up against the wall and give you direction?  That’s dominance and submission.

Do you like to give your partner a smack on the ass or hold them a bit tightly?  What about a little bite or nibble?  Have you ever left a little mark that’s visible the next day?  Sadism!  If you like receiving, that’s masochism.

Do you enjoy restraining your lover?  Pinning their hands behind their back or above their head?  Perhaps tying their wrists or ankles together with a scarf or tie?  Bondage!

If you have done any of these things, you are practicing elements of BDSM without even realizing it.

Also, kinky people do not necessarily like every kind of freaky activity under the sun (most don’t).  Just because you enjoy being tied up every once and a while does not mean you also have to like pain and vice versa.  If you are into the BD but not the SM you are still technically considered a practitioner of BDSM.  It’s a common misconception that people have to be into the B, the D, the S and the M to be considered kinky.

The Gear

Many assume you need to have expensive floggers, whips, ball gags and a “saw a person in half machine” to effectively practice BDSM.  Have you ever used a scarf or tie to blindfold a partner?  Yes? Then you’ve engaged in sensory deprivation on a dime!

Use that same scarf or tie to restrain their hands or feet— we’re back to bondage again.  What about that French maid costume from three Halloweens ago you got out that one night to surprise your partner just for kicks?  Sexual roleplay!

You can even grab some clothes pins out of the laundry room for impromptu nipple clamps.  While you’re in the laundry room, grab the clothes line rope too— it’s great for restraint.  Even something as simple as a wooden kitchen spoon makes a wonderful paddle.

Whether you’ve used these items in a vanilla setting “once just for fun” or intended to use them for sinister and mysterious (that’s sarcastic) BDSM, you’ve discovered pervertables!  Pervertables are common household items repurposed as sexy/kinky accessories.  With pervertables you can get your kink on for little to no money.  Many of us, vanilla and kinky alike, have used pervertables (think cucumbers or  that phallic shaped shampoo bottle that was popular in the 90s. Uh huh. You know you did.).

The only piece of gear you must have to practice kink is your mind.  They always say the greatest (vanilla) sexual organ is the brain— the same goes for kinky sex.  All you really need is your imagination and creativity.

Public Play 

“BDSM sounds sort of interesting but I just can’t do it.  I can’t have sex in front of people or go to kinky parties! Also, I’m in a happy monogamous relationship, I can’t do that with other people—EW! That is just NOT my thing!”

Yes, some kinksters do go to parties, play publicly and play with multiple partners even if they are in a committed primary relationship.  Those folks are only a small piece of the pie, however.  There are scores of people who identify as kinky but only share that with their partners.  They don’t belong to internet groups, go to parties or shout it from the rooftops.  We’re not sure how many of those are out there but I’m willing to bet it’s quite a few.  Then add to that the people who are kinky who don’t realize they are (the “I’m into hair pulling, spanking and I occasionally like to go in the bathtub and pee on my partner but I’m not into any of that freaky BDSM stuff or anything” types).  See where I’m going with this?

Public players are usually very dedicated to their sexy hobby.  They also aren’t afraid to tell everyone about it.  These folks have blogs dedicated to kink, join BDSM social groups and websites, they are even the people writing the BDSM books.

Just because the public kinksters have the loudest mouths, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are an accurate representation of the entire kinky pie.

Think of public kinksters as the crisscross patterned golden crust everyone sees on the surface of the pie— but what about the hidden sweet filling?

Much of that pie filling is comprised of private players.  These are your neighbors who like to get their freak on alone in their bedroom once a month when the kids are away on a Cub Scout sleepover.  It’s your roommate who told you one night after a few beers they prefer lovers who are rough, commanding and pull on their hair.  It might even be you.  Many of these pie filling people don’t even realize they are kinky!

But how could that be?  How can someone not know they are practicing BDSM?  Well, namely because there really is no “US and THEM,” a least not in a clear-cut sense.  When it comes to vanilla vs. kink activities there’s a huge crossover.

Break it down like this, for instance . . .

Vanilla acts =  Regular intercourse, oral sex, kissing, light touching, giggling, etc.

Kinky acts = Spanking, retraining, biting/nibbling, telling someone what to do/doing as told, pain (hair pulling, squeezing, pinching, etc), role-playing, using toys, etc.

Most of us, self identified kinky or vanilla, engage in activities from both categories during play.  I’m kinky but I still engage in intercourse, oral sex and pretty much everything from the vanilla list.  I can guarantee a large percentage of the vanilla folks dig some of the stuff on the kinky list also.

When it comes to sexual/intimate activities we can’t agree on what is kinky or vanilla.  To some sex toys are kinky but to others they are commonplace.  On which list would you put anal sex?  69?  Cumming on someone’s face?  Tickling? Calling your partner a “good little whore?” Pinching nipples very hard? It’s all subjective.

The writing of this blog post was inspired by the mental image of a Venn diagram that popped into my head randomly a few nights ago.  I’ve drawn it out for you.  Forgive me for using MS Paint. Part of my brain still lives in 1997.

On the vanilla side we can include basic activities like kissing, snuggling and missionary position sex with the lights out.  The kink side would clearly include some of the more extreme things such as play piercing/blood play, scat and perhaps clown sex.

But again, this is all subjective.  I can’t really put electric play in the Kink category because housewives of middle America are currently loving the Jopen Intensity vibrator/kegel exerciser. That toy is marketed to the mainstream but operates based on the same principles as a TENS unit (usually associated with BDSM).  These vanilla ladies are receiving the exact same sensation as they would from an insertable BDSM electric device but they’d never guess!

So what’s the point?  Simply, stop playing “Us and Them.” Pointing the finger at others prevents us from experimenting, growing and discovering what we enjoy sexually.  It ultimately keeps us from being happy.

If I’m into BDSM and I feel like having a slow, tender vanilla lovemaking session I should be able to tell my partner I want that without fearing they’ll think I’ve lost my edge.  If I’m vanilla and have been longing for my lover yank me by the hair and give my ass a good smack, I should be able to ask for that without being afraid they’ll think I’m a weirdo.  It’s not about living up to yourself proclaimed label, it’s about doing what feels right.

Your task: ask your lover to try out that thing you’ve been thinking about but we’re too afraid to bring up for fear they’d think it was out of character for you.  You might find it’s easier than you imagined to delve into some of those things you always thought would remain just a fantasy.

Sunnymegatron: - Posted on 30 July 2012 

http://sunnymegatron.com/postname/kink-2/

There are people using #BDSM as a way to abuse.

"Within this lifestyle there are unfortunately many dangers, there are people out there using the BDSM lifestyle as a way to abuse or use individuals under an umbrella of acceptance. Within each situation there are warning signs that we see, unfortunately sometimes we do not see these warning signs until it is too late. There are many people that say they are a Dominant are not, instead they are users, abusers, predators, wannabees, bullies, and manipulators. This article is designed to help people understand what a warning sign or red flag is, and hopefully prevent someone from getting hurt.

Some people think that just because they have read all the books and watched all the movies that they are instant Dominants; Instant Dominant…Just Add Water, and Shake Well. Just because he or she has a few floggers doesn't mean they know how to use them or that they are a Dominant of any form. Just because someone orders you around or attempts to control your life doesn't mean they are a Dominant. Being a Dominant is a menagerie of infinite strengths and weaknesses combined together with all the normal human mediocrities. It takes a lifetime of learning and growing to be a Dominant, and those that believe otherwise may not have a true grasp of the concept. Even as one is able to claim the title of Dominant, Master, Mistress, Lord, or Lady, God or Goddess, one is still learning, the learning is a never ending road that allows us to travel into the exciting and new dimensions of this adventure called BDSM.

As a Dominant myself I have come to understand that every Dominant does things in a different manner, and that just because what they do is different from what I do, it doesn't make what they do wrong, it just makes it different. However there is a difference between just being different and being dangerous.

If someone submits to you because they fear you, then you are a bully not a Dominant.

 If someone submits to you because you give him or her expensive presents then you are a pimp not a Dominant.

 If someone submits to you because you threaten to leave or abandon him or her if they refuse then you are a manipulator, not a Dominant.

 If someone submits to you because you wont leave him or her alone if they don\'t then you are a predator not a Dominant.

 If someone submits to you because you will beat him or her if they don\'t then you are an abuser not a Dominant.

There are far too many individuals out there in today\'s society that manipulate, abuse, use, and lie to others in an effort to gain their service and respect."

Courtesy of: The Iron Gate

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The Foggy Edge of Sexual Consent

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BDSM safety for dominants - Keeping clients safe

I have just started this entry as it occurred to me that I should share my knowledge. But I feel it needs to be developed and added to. It is still a 'rough' draft of what I was hoping to produce. So, I am hoping that readers comment, add to it and discuss.

BDSM safety for dominants

There are many things that can go wrong during a BDSM session. As a dominant, one must plan for every possible outcome when it comes to safety. Below are a few things I feel are essential.

As a lifestyle or professional dominant , minimising risk of any injury to clients should always be foremost in planning any session. A well planned session should reduce the risks as much as is 'reasonably practicable'. As the 'top', you are responsible for the health and safety of your client. We may all occasionally laugh at the 'health and safety gone mad' attitude of businesses, but, there are some basics which, as dominants, we should implement. Many safety aspects I know we all naturally do while playing, but there are some outcomes which you may not have predicted or planned for. What would happen if a client feints while being restrained or suspended? Or a client has an unexpected seizure while hooded, gagged and in a body bag?

We all hope that these examples never happens during a session, but if it did - would you be prepared? Will you be able to provide first aid? How quickly can you release them from their binds? What happens if they

We cannot prepare for everything, but we can envisage the possible risks and minimise trauma, both to ourselves and to our play partners.

Plan your session. Know which equipment you will be using and in what context they will be used.

Know your tools and equipment. If you do not know how something works - don't use it.

Know basics of: Electric play - safe zones, power etc. Bondage: Know pressure points, circulation, no go areas. In fact, whatever you do, be it whips and paddles, KNOW YOUR STUFF. Don't just guess. For example: coloured candles burn at a higher rate than white/standard candles. Knowing this fact will save a burning.

Know how to quickly release someone from binds, bondage, gags, hoods, cages - in fact anything. Time is essential in preventing damage and even death.

DO NOT use padlocks on gags, hoods, collars if you put the keys somewhere out of emergency reach, or as one Mistress did once, padlock a clients without making sure there is a key.

Never leave your client unsupervised in situations where if you are not there to release them, they may choke/fall/etc.

Know first aid - go on a course. This is essential. Don't rely on luck or hope it never happens.

Don't expect clients to TELL THE TRUTH. They may not have disclosed all their medical issues - possibly due to not wishing to be turned away or refused an activity. Some do lie. You need to be prepared to KNOW WHAT TO DO.

• Always do a risk assessment on your session.
• Always ask: What would happen if .......
• Always think: Can I release my submissive INSTANTLY if needed.
• Can I perform first aid?
• If I need help from someone else, how fast can they get to me?

WEB:
www.sinfulandwicked.co.uk MOB: 07426 490 214 TWITTER:
@sinfulandwicked

This murder in Ireland has made me rethink my sexual practices - BDSM safety V abuse

THE ISSUE OF 'PERSONAL SAFETY' IS A VERY IMPORTANT ONE WITHIN THE BDSM COMMUNITY. 

Emer O'Toole's article in the Guardian Newspaper reminded me how we must never forget personal safety, the safety of all within the BDSM community. It may be a subject we don't vocalise enough, but we should shout it out more often. Abuse is everywhere. Mental, physical, emotional. As a community, we should be taking a more pro active personal involvement towards safety. 

Below is Emer O'Toole's article, I have also linked other articles which relate directly to abuse and BDSM.

"In Dublin, Graham Dwyer, a married architect, has been convicted of the murder of Elaine O’Hara, a child care worker with whom he was engaged in a BDSM relationship. The motive was sexual gratification. O’Hara was vulnerable, suffering from mental health issues, and Dwyer exploited this, banking on the likelihood that her disappearance would be read as suicide. He hid evidence of the murder at the bottom of a reservoir. If it were not for 2013’s unusually hot, dry summer, that’s where the truth would have remained, and Dwyer would be walking free.

 A woman is dead: another victim of intimate partner violence. And treating her death with due respect should mean an examination of the social context that allowed a man to convince a woman that his sexual desire to stab and kill her was within the bounds of the acceptable. It should mean attention to the cultural mainstreaming of BDSM.

On Valentine’s Day this year, Universal Pictures released its film adaptation of EL James’s erotic novel Fifty Shades of Grey. Back in 2012, The Guardian asked me to review the book to mark the sale of its ten-millionth copy. I kept it light – riffing on James’s infamously terrible prose and characterisation, and musing as to whether the far-away film version wouldn't leave us feeling a little less glib and little more, well, worried. The day is come, and I admit a heavier feeling. What is, at heart, the tale of an abusive relationship in which a reluctant, inexperienced and infatuated young girl is controlled and beaten by a rich sadist, is now being offered up as a sweet Valentine’s Day treat for naughty couples.

BDSM communities have been quick to distance themselves from Fifty Shades, and, indeed, from any beliefs or behaviours incompatible with informed, enthusiastic and uncoerced consent. This is because BDSM communities are often, in my experience, very politically switched-on places. However, it’s also my experience that kink communities are reluctant to acknowledge problems with the ideologies underlying their sexual practices, focusing instead on the pleasure or relationship benefits to be gained from BDSM.

I’m making this critique not as a judgmental outsider, but as someone who participates in BDSM behaviours and events and understands the excitement to be found therein. I’m making this critique not as a kink-shamer, but as a challenge to myself: what are my reasons and justifications for inviting or accepting male sexual violence? And, at this point in history, when kink is becoming ubiquitous, I’m calling on all responsible, egalitarian kinksters to take a step back from personal desire and pleasure and ask similar questions.

We live in a sexist, racist, homophobic, transphobic, ableist society. This gross fact informs our identities, our beliefs and our desires: it’s part of us at the most fundamental cognitive level. A prevalent theory in kink communities is that BDSM creates a sandbox or play space around impulses that have their roots in sexism or other prejudice, consensually mirroring non-consensual societal power dynamics. The sandbox allows role play that expurgates, inverts or otherwise contains hierarchical desires. It may give subs control over situations that would – in reality – make them feel powerless, or allow doms to cathartically express violent urges: in short, the sandbox gets it all out of our systems.

Except, this isn’t how human psychology functions. We do not siphon off fiction or play from our social realities. Rather, the values and norms of the fictions we consume or participate in suffuse our world views and influence our actions.

Participating in violent sports or fictions does not always make us less violent, in fact it can do the opposite. Watching aggressive pornography does not quell our desire for aggressive pornography, but, contrarily, can create a desire for increased violence. If we know and believe this about video games, movies and porn, then why do we suddenly deny it when it comes to BDSM? Perhaps it’s because it makes us feel defensive, and so, instead of conscientiously examining a) the social conditions that have led to our fetishisation of female pain and submission, and b) the ways in which our sexual practices strengthen and reinforce those social conditions, we shout “kink-shamer”.

In the 1970s, this issue split second wave feminism. Activists such as Robin Morgan, Alice Walker and everyone’s favourite straw-woman Andrea Dworkin wrote smart, impassioned rhetoric against BDSM. And sex-positive feminists such as Susie Bright and Candida Royalle reacted just as passionately and intelligently, with publications and erotic projects proclaiming that they’d fought long and hard for their sexual liberation, and they weren't going to be told what to do with their beds and bodies by priest, pastor or feminist sister. In 2015, at this powerful moment in feminism and with this sea-change in social attitudes towards BDSM, I believe it’s time to reopen the debate in a spirit of solidarity, openness and honesty. I believe that we owe this to vulnerable women, like Elaine O’Hara, whose submissive desires can leave them open to male aggression in the most tragic of ways."

MISTRESS LEYLA ~ BDSM

Some Notes On Safety For Meeting Online and Off

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Detecting Fakes

Every day I am confronted by friends, acquaintances and those recommended to seek Me out with questions regarding a person (or people) that they feel may be perpetrating a scam against them. I don't mean the common E-Mail scams (such as "Viagra Cheep" or "Lose 40 pounds by Summer") but the much more insidious scam involving the creation of one or more fake personalities.

The key difference between S&M and ABUSE

Consent = Is an agreed approval of what is done and/or proposed by another. Abuse = to use so as to injure or damage: MALTREAT Abuse is not negotiated Abuse is an out of control environment Abuse does not have safe words An abuser does not give a damn about the victim Abuse is always one sided Abuse is never negotiated.

I Never Called it Rape: Addressing Abuse in BDSM Communities - KinkAbuse.com


Thinking More Clearly About BDSM versus Abuse - Clarisse Thorn


What is the Difference Between BDSM and Abuse






WEB: www.sinfulandwicked.co.uk 
MOB: 07426 490 214 
TWITTER: @sinfulandwicked

From “SSC” and “RACK” to the “4Cs”: Introducing a new Framework for Negotiating BDSM Participation

Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality, Volume 17, July 5, 2014

www.ejhs.org

D J Williams, PhD: Center for Positive Sexuality (Los Angeles) and Idaho State University

Jeremy N. Thomas, PhD: Idaho State University

Emily E. Prior, MA: Center for Positive Sexuality (Los Angeles) and College of the Canyons

M. Candace Christensen, PhD: University of Texas at San Antonio

************* 

Abstract

The BDSM (consensual sadomasochism) community has commonly utilized Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC), or more recently Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) as basic frameworks to help structure the negotiation of BDSM participation. While these approaches have been useful, particularly for educating new participants concerning parameters of play, both approaches appear to have significant practical and conceptual limitations. In this paper we introduce an alternative framework for BDSM negotiation, Caring, Communication, Consent, and Caution (4Cs), and discuss its potential advantages.

Background and Introduction

From the time of Richard von Krafft-Ebing’s (1886/1978) text Psychopathia Sexualis, BDSM has commonly been assumed to be motivated by an underlying psychopathology. Although biases and misinterpretations among professionals still remain (see Hoff & Sprott, 2009; Kolmes, Stock, & Moser, 2007; Wright, 2009), researchers have consistently shown that BDSM cannot be explained by psychopathology (i.e., Connelly, 2006; Cross & Matheson, 2006; Powls & Davies, 2012; Richters, de Visser, Rissel, Grulich, & Smith, 2008; Weinberg, 2006). Some scholars have recognized that not only is BDSM participation not associated with psychopathology, but that it may be associated with desirable psychological states that are often associated with healthy leisure experience (Newmahr, 2010; Taylor & Ussher, 2001; Williams, 2006, 2009; Wismeijer & van Assen, 2013). Indeed, a widespread shift in understanding seems to be occurring wherein consensual BDSM participation is believed to be an acceptable expression of sexuality and/or leisure.

In light of this shift and in combination with the development of community-based research as a methodological strategy across the social sciences generally, an exciting recent development is the formal collaboration between scholars and communities of people with alternative sexual identities, including BDSM. The Community-Academic Consortium for Research on Alternative Sexualities (CARAS) was formed in 2005 and combines the knowledge and strengths of scholars and community members to produce high-quality knowledge that can directly benefit the community (Sprott & Bienvenu II, 2007). We welcome this development, and it is in the spirit of mutual benefit that we write the present paper. In fact, we are both scholars and also members of the BDSM community. Hopefully, our discussion here will generate insights among both academics and nonacademics.

In this paper, we summarize the popular BDSM community mottos of Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC) and Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) before proposing what we think is an improved approach, which we call the Caring, Communication, Consent, and Caution (4Cs) framework. Since each framework explicitly includes the precise concept of consent, we will discuss a few of the thorny issues surrounding the notion of consent within the 4Cs model a little bit later in the paper, rather than in our summary of SSC and RACK. We do this simply as a matter of retaining a consistent overall structure for readers.

People With Fetishes Are Ashamed

It's no wonder. Our society labels anything sexually different as deviant or perverted. These labels hurt deeply to those whose sexual makeup is out of the norm. Fetishists feel weird, ashamed and guilty for their desires. While the fetish provides pleasure and relief, all these people have feelings of shame about being sexually different.

Fetishists are afraid of sharing their secret with a lover. They fear rejection, ridicule or abandonment. Unfortunately, their fears are not unfounded. Oftentimes, people who disclose to their wives or husbands wish they hadn't. Their partners react with shock or embarrassment promoting even more feels of shame and regret.

Preventing Domestic Violence in the Leather/BDSM/Fetish Community

A booklet on abuse within BDSM community and prevention. This is linked to my earlier post BDSM in mainstream and abuse

CLICK TO VIEW LEAFLET

CLICK TO VIEW LEAFLET

BDSM Unveiled: When Your Submissive Suffers from Clinical Depression

Structure is incredibly useful for persons suffering with depression. Setting clear, attainable daily tasks (even if your dynamic is long distance) can do a lot to keep a depressed mood from becoming inability to get out of bed. In the worst times, it may have to be something as simple as "You must go to work 4 days out of 5 every week. You must take a shower every other day at 10:30pm." Simple, everyday tasks can be easier to tolerate if they're turned into power dynamic chores, rather than just one more thing they have to try to manage on their own. Professional programs force clients to live by strict rules about when they wake up, when they eat, when they shower, etc, and having those things become automated means that they don't have to make any decisions about it.

Psychological safety in BDSM play, part 1 & part 2

Enjoy reading.......Come visit me at: www.sinfulandwicked.co.uk

Psychological safety in BDSM play, part 1 – Introduction

Playing with pain and power is risky. There is no getting around it. It’s why, as a community, we spend time reading, practicing and attending workshops to make sure we can give our partner the experience they want, in the safest way possible.

In kink we play with the mind just as much as we play with the body. And just like the body, there are certain things that we need to be aware of to make our play as safe as possible.

Mental illness and psychological trauma are an invisible epidemic in Western society. A worldwide survey of women recently revealed that one in three women worldwide has been the victim of sexual assault. And if you look at the combined experience of physical and sexual assault in Australia, the number of women who have experienced some kind of trauma is one in two.

Harassment of and discrimination against women who choose to engage in S/M practices

"My boss started grabbing my breasts when he found out"

"I have a friend who may lose her job"

"Simply, I was beaten up due to the jerk thinking that [my S/M] meant [I was] free game to beat up and rape"

Harassment of and discrimination against women who choose to engage in S/M practices is an everyday occurrence. That so many women in this community are "in the closet" makes them particularly vulnerable.

Of the first 200 people responding to NCSF National Survey of Violence and Discrimination Against Sexual Minorities:

36% have experienced discrimination

37% have experienced violence or harassment

80% are not completely "out"*

This was a direct result of their consensual involvement in S/M or other sexual minority practices;

attempting to remain closeted is not a defense. Of those who suffered harassment or assault, 96% never reported the crime.

Not all violence against S/M women is perpetrated by men. A nationwide study in 1994 found that, of 539 lesbian and bisexual S/M women surveyed:

56% had experienced discrimination or violence from other women within the lesbian community because of their participation in consensual S/M

47% had experienced harassment from other women

30% had experienced discrimination

25% had experienced physical assault.**

"Regardless of personal feelings and opinions about consensual BDSM, no one has the right to harass, discriminate against, or physically assault S/M women."**

*Violence and Discrimination Against You: National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, 1998.

**Violence against S/M Women Within the Lesbian Community: A Nation-Wide Survey. Sponsored by Female Trouble of Philadelphia. Copyright 1994 by Jad Keres.

A growing community of SM/leather/fetish activists, all of whom recognize the distinction between S/M and abuse, are fighting for freedom of sexual expression among consenting adults. S/M activists who are also Members of the National Organization for Women (NOW) have created the Sexual Freedom Now project to promote sexual self-determination for women.

http://www.leatherleadership.org/library/violdiscwom.htm

Some Notes On Safety For Meeting Online and Off

Some Notes On Safety For Meeting Online and Off

Version 2.22

Author: Ambrosio ©

Why Be Concerned About Safety?: The example of John Edward Robinson Sr. a.k.a. "Slavemaster"

    

    - HELEN KENNEDY and CORKY SIEMASZKO

    "Harrowing Tale Of S&M Escape: Woman's call led cops to slay suspect"

    New York Daily News, June 6, 2000

The Texas woman who went on a kinky sex date with a suspected Kansas serial killer set up elaborate safety precautions that may have forced him to spare her life and ended his alleged 16-year murder spree, the Daily News has learned.