Some Notes On Safety For Meeting Online and Off

Some Notes On Safety For Meeting Online and Off

Version 2.22

Author: Ambrosio ©

Why Be Concerned About Safety?: The example of John Edward Robinson Sr. a.k.a. "Slavemaster"

    

    - HELEN KENNEDY and CORKY SIEMASZKO

    "Harrowing Tale Of S&M Escape: Woman's call led cops to slay suspect"

    New York Daily News, June 6, 2000

The Texas woman who went on a kinky sex date with a suspected Kansas serial killer set up elaborate safety precautions that may have forced him to spare her life and ended his alleged 16-year murder spree, the Daily News has learned.

    "The Texas woman, a licensed psychologist whose identity is being protected, arranged to make coded phone calls to the leader of a Houston-based group of sadomasochists who was worried about her because she had met the man online. 'We have in our community what's called a safe call,' said Travis, head of the bondage group called People Exchanging Power. He did not want his last name used.

    "'If you are going to meet someone you're not sure of, you have someone sitting there waiting to hear from you.' Robinson, who is in jail after five decomposing bodies were found on his property last week, was angry when he learned the Texas woman had made sure someone knew exactly where she was. 'The gentleman in question was furious at her for setting up the safe call,' said Travis. 'He said this showed a lack of trust in him. What it really told him was that someone was paying attention.' The coded calls she made during their tryst at a Kansas City hotel did not prevent Robinson from brutalizing the woman, police said. But her precautions including insisting on meeting in a public place and giving his cell phone number to Travis may have ensured she was set free.

    "Robinson called himself Slavemaster while surfing the Web for sadomasochistic sex partners, police said. He lured the Texas woman to a Kansas motel by promising her 'lots of stuff,' said Travis. 'She would be his full-time sub[missive]. He was going to set her up in an apartment and help her find a job,' the bondage leader said. 'He was going to make her life easy.' But before she left to meet Robinson at the motel, Travis said, she asked him for some advice. 'I said don't go,' Travis said. '[Robinson] wouldn't give her his home number or home address. He said he was so wealthy that when submissive women found out he had so much money, they would stalk him.'"

More Examples:

• St. Paul, MN - November 2002 - Steven H. Bailey admitted to accidentally killing Maceo Frank Brodnax of Hollywood, CA. Bailey called himself "The True Master" and described himself as "old guard". (He had been practicing S&M since the early 1970s.) Bailey has been quoted as saying "I always err on the side of safety." He also admitted to accidentally killing Brodnax during a game of erotic asphyxiation on November 2, the first day of Brodnax's visit. In Bailey's account, he had placed Brodnax in a gas mask and covered the opening with a plastic bag containing chloroform. Unfortunately the phone rang and he lost track of time while Brodnax died. He kept Brodnax's body in his apartment for several days before trying to dispose of it. The two had meet online in September.

• New York - August 2002 - A 17-year-old boy in New York was accused of the stabbing and beating death of a 14-year-old girl he met in an Internet chat room.

• Los Angeles, CA - August 22, 2002 - Daniel Zabuski, 42, of Los Angeles, a third-strike offender and one time police cadet, was sentenced to 80 years to life in state prison for raping and assaulting three women. Zabuski's lawyer said that the sex and sadomasochistic acts were all consensual. Zabuski's wife said her husband is only guilty of infidelity. Zabuski had prior convictions for sexually assaulting two teenage girls while posing as a talent scout. In 1986 a judge threw out a case against him, ruling that prostitutes cannot be raped. In this latest case, he had met the three women in Internet D/s chat rooms.

• Brush Prairie, WA - September 2002 - Michael Aaron Wilson, 45, and William Joseph Fritsch, 22, were charged with first-degree kidnapping, rape and assault against a 47-year-old homeless man who was held as a sex slave for eight days in a well equipped torture chamber in their middle-class home. Wilson and Fritsch contend that the incident was consensual. Charges were later dropped. They had met the Seattle man in an Internet chat room.

• Japan - Early 2002 - In the first six months of 2002, crimes linked to Internet dating services in Japan more than doubled according to Japan's National Police Agency. The total number for the first half of 2002 came to 793, up from 302 in the same period in 2001. 23 were rapes and 1 was a murder case. In another suspected instance, police believe a man had murdered a 16-year-old schoolgirl whom he might have contacted through an Internet dating service.

• Long Island, NY - August 2001 - James Warren -- who called himself "Sir Whip" and his friend Beth Loschin were charged with attempted murder, assault, kidnapping, rape, sodomy and other crimes for allegedly kidnapping a 15-year-old girl from Massachusetts and bringing her to Long Island. Warren's defense was that the sadomasochism was consensual and the girl claimed to be 18 years old. He had meet the girl online.

• In 2000, the "CyberAngels, an organization that assists victims of Internet crimes, received 650 online stalking complaints every day." (from "The Web's dark side" by Margaret Mannix, U.S. News and World Report Vol. 129, No. 8, August 28, 2000.)

• In 1999, the FBI opened 1,500 online child sex cases, up from 700 in 1998. (Ibid.)

• Anderson, MO - late 1998 - William Miller lured Jo Ann Marie Brown to Missouri where he fatally shot her in the head and stuffed her body in a well. He had met her online.

• New York, NY - November 1996 - 30-year-old doctoral candidate in microbiology and former chess prodigy, Oliver Jovanovic, engaged in a session of sadomasochism with 20-year-old Barnard College English and Philosophy Major, Jamie Rzucek, in his Manhattan apartment. Almost a week later, she brought charges against him of kidnaping, assault, and sexual abuse. Citing the New York  Rape Shield Law,  Judge William Wetzel refused to allow the defense to introduce her emails into evidence to show that the session had been consensual and that she was an experienced S&M enthusiast. Other evidence and testimony which directly contradicted Rzucek's claims and cast doubt on her honesty were similarly withheld. The court sentenced Jovanovic to 15 years to life. The Appellate court reversed Jovanovic's conviction in December 1999. State Supreme Court Justice Rena Uviller dropped the case on November 1, 2001. The State Supreme Court found that "The trial court's rulings erroneously withheld from the jury a substantial amount of highly relevant, admissible evidence." BTW, Jovanovic and his accuser had meet an AOL chatroom. (See more on the Jovanovic case at http://www.samsloan.com/jovdrop.htm)

In addition to these major news stories, there are anecdotal accounts of stalking, rape, and abuse committed under the guise of consensual BDSM. I'm personally acquainted with several submissives who have been victimized by someone they meet online. And as in the example of Oliver Jovanovic, tops are also vulnerable.

Key Point: You don't really know anyone online. Whether you're a top or a bottom -- be careful.

"The Internet is not some horrible, horrible place where nothing can ever go right. Wonderful love stories can and do happen. It's just that horrible, horrible things also happen, and are seemingly happening more and more because people aren't being smart."

- Beth Jenkins, Los Angeles Psychologist

"The thing with most Internet relationships is that it's a secret fantasy. The majority of people involved in Internet relationships are having a very profound romance with their own imagination. You have an internal image of the person (that you've created in your mind). Then you begin to relate to that person and convince yourself there's nothing to fear. People don't tend to tell their friends because...they might say to them, `What are you, out of your mind? He could be anything!'"

- Esther Gwinnell, psychiatrist

  Author of Online Seductions: Falling in Love with Strangers on the Internet

"The Gorean is suspicious of the stranger, particularly in the vicinity of his native walls. Indeed, in Gorean the same word is used for both stranger and enemy."

- John Norman

Outlaw of Gor, pg 49

Predators and their Submissive Victims:

"In a dominant/submissive relationship, someone who is a con man has a very, very willing subject."

- Jes Beard, Tennessee kink aware lawyer

"Psychopaths have an uncanny ability to spot and use 'nurturant women' -- that is, those who have a powerful need to help or mother others. Many such women are in the helping professions -- nursing, social work, counseling -- and tend to look for the goodness in others while overlooking or minimizing their faults: 'He's got a problem but I can help him,' or, 'He had a such a rough time as a kid, all he needs is someone to hug him.' These women usually take a lot of abuse in their belief that they can help; they are ripe for being left emotionally, physically, and financially drained."

- Robert D. Hare, PhD

  Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us

The vulnerability in these submissives is not a lack of intelligence or knowledge. In the first example, it was a psychologist who traveled to Kansas to see Robinson. Of all the people to fall under a psychopath's spell, a psychologist should have been the least susceptible. But she was desperate and he offered her a simple, romantic solution to all of her problems. Predators are master manipulators because they are very adept at playing off the needs and desires of their victims.

Some Perspective: The majority of people who practice this lifestyle are not serial killers.

"I don’t know anybody who does consensual sadomasochism who does it without empathy, without respect, without caring, and not infrequently without a great deal of love."

- William Hentgen

  San Francisco psychotherapist and co-author of Consensual Sadomasochism: How to Talk About It and How to Do It Safely

However, there are dangerous predators on the periphery -- dangerous people who participate nominally in BDSM munches and support groups or cruise leather bars looking for fresh meat. But -- more disturbingly -- sometimes the predators are among us. Membership -- even leadership -- in the (Real Time/Offline) BDSM community is not a confirmation that someone is safe and honorable. For example:

• Between 1978 and 1993 in London, England, UK, three different British serial killers -- Dennis Nilsen, Michael "the Wolf" Lupo, and Colin Ireland -- employed the Coleherne pub in west London -- an English equivalent of the American "Leather Bar" -- as their private game preserve. The three murderers have taken the lives of 29 men who made the mistake of going home with a stranger.
• In June 2001 in Spokane, WA, David Dailey, Edmund Ball, and Lana Vickery kidnapped and raped two Japanese college students attending the Mukogawa Fort Wright Institute in Washington state. The two victims were raped and assaulted over a seven-hour period. Ball was the President and Co-founder of the Spokane Power Exchange. Vickery was Ball's "branded slave."
• July 2000 - Quincy, MA - According to Barbara M. Asher, a professional 52 year old dominatrix known as "Mistress Lauren M," she left 53-year-old Michael Lord strapped on a rack with colar around his neck and a hood over his head. While she was changing into her professional uniform, she could hear him struggling and gasping. After 15 minutes Asher returned to find him dead -- the victim of an apparent heart attack or asphyxiation. She was afraid of IRS and police scrutiny of her business so she did not call 911. Instead her boyfriend, Miguel Ferrer, unsuccessfully attempted CPR on Lord. When that failed, Asher and her boyfriend dismembered Lord's body and dumped the remains in a trash bin. Prosecutor Robert Nelson said "She had a duty to act at the time, to take him off the rack ... and call appropriate medical response teams." She has been charged with involuntary manslaughter.

Exercise caution when meeting alone or playing with someone you don't know well -- whether you've meet him online, through a R/T BDSM organization, or even if he's prominent in the community.

In General:

• While most of these notes are in the context of advice to bottoms, tops are also at risk from dangerous playmates, predators, and unstable individuals. As in the case of Oliver Jovanovic, sometimes a submissive will damage a dom's reputation -- or worse -- by making false accusations.
• BDSM themed Chat Rooms and IRC are 97% fantasy. They aren't representative of the "real" scene -- which itself is heavily influenced by fantasy. R/T BDSM more closely conforms to the laws of man and physics as well as common sense and politeness.
• You should educate yourself about safety, BDSM, and your community before you start playing.
• Be cautious and take your time: Don't rush into a situation no matter how tempting.
•  If someone seems too good to be true, they probably are.
• Don't believe everything you read online. Profiles and other information can be faked.
• Strike a balance between safety and good manners -- but when in doubt err on the side of safety. Predators take advantage of their victims' desire to please and their need to avoid conflict. Some common lines the predators will use is "A real submissive would do just what I asked" or "A real submissive wouldn't need to negotiate or use safewords or safecalls."
• Just because someone wrote you, doesn't mean you need to reply anymore than you need to obey the orders of a stranger who says he's a dominant.
• Listen critically. (See "Warning Signs" below.)
• Network: Join a local munch group and/or a BDSM organization -- by which I mean a group of people who meet face to face, usually in a public restaurant. It's a safe venue to find people who interest you, way to discover people's reputation, and opportunity to create a safety network. One place to find groups is athttp://www.io.com/~ambrosio/gen/groups.html. Make numerous friends in the community not just contacts with potential play partners.
• Listen to your intuition.
• Some of the following advice may seem extreme. To be honest I don't know anyone who follows all of this advice 100% -- the author included. You must decide what is reasonable and realistic. However, these points are offered as safety guidelines.
• This advice is not the final word on the subject. You must still use your own common sense. You are responsible for your own safety.

Discretion Online: Don't give out personal information about yourself to anyone else online -- especially to a stranger. Don't give out ...

• Full name - Use first name or gender neutral handle
• Home address
• Where you live (If you live in a small town, don't identify it.)
• Social Security Number / NI (duh! -- SSNs / NIs can be used to steal someone's identity.)
• Passwords (double duh!)
• Credit card information (triple duh!)
• Even if you know and trust someone online, the Internet is not a secure venue for sharing this information.

Caution Online

• Remove anything that identifies you or where you live from your profile.
• Lurk: Don't start chatting right away. Sit backs and observe.
• Read profiles when available.
• In Internet Relay Chat, use the /WHOIS  and /WHO  commands to find our more about other people on your channel. Caution: that information can be faked. (See "Internet Relay Chat" below)
• If you like what someone types or someone intrigues you, write that person privately: email, IM (Instant Messenger), private chat, /MSG (in IRC), etc.,
• Report any attacks or threats to police. Save offending messages for police and report them to your service provider.
• In online communication, you are doing without the auditory and visual cues that you have in a "R/T" (Real Time, Face to Face) meeting.

Internet Relay Chat (IRC) is one of the earlier Internet applications. It followed the creation of email but predates the creation of the World Wide Web. It is a method to carry on real time "conversations" with other computer users over the Internet by typing text into a chat client -- a computer program such as mIRC or vIRC. The chat client relays the information to a chat server which relays the message to other users in the same chat "channel." In this way, people from all over the world can "meet" and "talk" in a "virtual space." For some it's an attrractive way to meet people with similar interests. Here's a list of commands that are especially relevant to our topic. (Caution: Information gathered from IRC commands can very easily be false.)

/whois [nick]

used to get info on a nick.

example: /whois Ambrosio

/whowas [nick]

used to get info on a nick that has just left IRC or a person who has just changed their nick.

example: /whowas Ambrosio

/who [#]

shows nicks, addresses, and optional user info if available for users on a channel.

example: /who #txdungeon

/names

shows nicks of users on a channel.

example: /names #txdungeon

/msg [nick] [message]

sends a private message (whisper) to a user.

example: /msg Ambrosio hello there

/query [nick]

opens a new window for private dialog with a nick.

example: /query Ambrosio

/ignore [nick/address]

use to prevent someone from talking to you. The persons nick or address may be used.

example: /ignore Domlydom or /ignore *!*ambrosio_sa@prodigy.net

/mode [nick] +i

This is the invisible mode. You are not literally invisible on IRC. Users on the same channel as you still see you there. You are invisible to a user who does a /who or /names. A /whois nick, however, will show your user information and the channels you're on.

example: /mode Ambrosio +i

For a longer ist of IRC commands, please read Internet Relay Chat Commands on this site. For a general overview of IRC, links for IRC client programs, and a short list of BDSM oriented IRC channels and Chat Rooms visit the "Internet Relay Chat and Chat Rooms" article at http://www.io.com/~ambrosio/net/irc_chat.html.

Ask Questions:

•  "How long have you been in the scene?"
•  "How long have you been in the local scene?"
•  "Where else have you been involved in BDSM?"
• "How experienced are you?"
•  "How did you start?"
• "What is it about BDSM or the scene that you enjoy most? The exchange of power? The role playing? The sensation? Something else entirely?"
• "Who/what are you looking for?"
•  "What sort of relationship do you want?"
• "Are you friends with your past playmates?"
•  "Have you ever made a mistake during a scene? What was it?"

Telephone Safety:

• Disable caller ID feature so as to call anonymously
• Don't call collect - it will reveal your phone number
• Use a pager or a cell phone

Check Backgrounds

• Ask your potential playmate for referrals. But be careful: Some predators have numerous online identities. Robinson would pose as multiple doms who would vouch for each other and even took over the email account and identity of one of his missing slaves.
• Ask around about your potential playmate. Ask numerous people. Opinions are often subjective and sometimes unfairly biased. When one or two opinions are extreme in one direction or another, consider the source.
• Know the other person's legal name and check it out.
• Know the other person's phone number, address, and place of employment.
•  If the other person claims to be a member of an elite organization, verify that the organization actually exists. Robinson claimed to be a leading member of the "International Council of Masters," a secret group that no one has ever heard of outside of the "Slavemaster" case. He claimed this elite society had been in existence since 1920 and had chapters throughout Europe and the United States. Except for the website Robinson had commissioned (A secret society with a website?) and a questionable television expose, there is no indication the group actually existed.
•  Use one of the many commercial Online Background Check Services (Background Verification.)
• Use a local Sexual Offender Registry (Caution: Exclusion in the database is not proof that someone is harmless just as inclusion is not absolute proof that they're dangerous.)

A Contradiction

• These notes advise against giving out personal information.
•  These notes advise to check the background of your potential playmate.
•  Doesn't this advice create a conflict when both parties try to avoid giving out personal information while checking each other's background? Yes.
• An Imperfect Compromise: Don't give out personal information to a stranger. You should only share personal information with someone you know well enough to trust. How much is well enough? That's a difficult question. You will have to use your best judgment.

Meeting Offline

• Have your own transportation to and from the meeting place.
• Set up safe calls (see "Safe Calls" below.)
•  If the person you're meeting objects to the safe calls, leave.
• Whenever possible bring a friend who knows you and your interests.
• Meet in a public place, preferably one where there are cameras or where your friends frequent.
• Bring a cell phone.
• Don't let the other person see your license plate or follow you to your car.
• Don't leave your keys, wallet, or drink unattended.
•  Stay sober.
• If the first meeting is a success, schedule another meeting before the first meeting it over.
• Don't play the first time you meet, no matter how tempted.
• Exchange drivers licenses. Make a photocopy of the other person's license or ask him to bring a photocopy.
• Be honest and straightforward
•  If the meeting isn't going well or you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, leave. (Listen to your intuition.)
•  Before you meet to play, negotiate what you'll be doing and how much you'll be doing. (See the "Dating and Negotiation" section at http://www.io.com/~ambrosio/dating/ for scene negotiation forms and activities checklists.)
• After the meeting make sure you're not being followed. (Go to a police station if you feel you are.)

Meeting Someone in Another City

• All of the above applies
• Set up safe calls with someone in the area that you are visiting (see "Safe Calls" below)
• Have your own transportation -- do not rely on your potential playmate
• Stay at a motel -- not your potential partner's home
• Meet in a public place -- not your hotel room or the other person's home. Don't tell your potential playmate where you are staying.
• Arrange to meet at a local munch if that's an option
• Determine where you can get help -- police station, friend's house, women's shelter, etc., -- and where that help is physically located, before you need it. Have those addresses and telephone numbers handy.

Warning Signs:

• Does the other person seem to be hiding something? Does he avoid answering reasonable questions?
• Is he inconsistent in what he writes and says? Have you caught him in contradictions and lies?
• Is he presumptuous about the relationship? Does he expect complete submission from a stranger? Is he ready to collar you and move into your home on your first meeting?
•  Does he seem more interested in sex than you are? Does it seem like he wants cyber sex from the beginning when you're looking for something else?
• Does he respect your concern about safety or does he ridicule your precautions and try to coerce you into submission?
• Does he try to isolate you from friends, family, and other people in the scene?
• Does he have nothing nice to say about past partners?
• Does he understand that cyber is more fantasy than R/T?
• Does he seem a perfect match? Maybe too perfect? Robinson presented himself as a divorced millionaire Master in need of a woman to care for his invalid father. He was still married to his wife of 38 years, his father was dead, and his financial empire -- like the exclusive "International Council of Masters" -- was all smoke and mirrors.

First Scene

• Negotiate the scene before you meet to play.
• Set up safe calls (see "Safe Calls" below)
• If your scene partner objects to the safe calls, leave.
• Play light the first time.
• Don't try bondage.
• Be careful what you bring with you. I know of an instance where a top tied up the bottom then rummaged through the bottom's wallet looking for information he could use.
• Play somewhere where you're free to leave: If you're playing in your home and the scene goes bad, can you leave?
• Practice Safe Sex (assuming you both choose to have sex)
• Respect limits -- including your own: Use your safe words when you should. (See "Safe Words" below)

Safe Call:

A safety procedure where people tell outside parties where they will be and when they’ll be checking back in. If a person does not check in, the third party calls for help.

Safe Calls (more)

• From "More on Safe Calls" (Author Unknown) and other sources.
• Choose your safe call carefully.
• It's best to use a friend that knows you and about your interests, but in some cases people use a safe call network.
• One such network is the "Safe Call Network" on the Dungeon Realm site. It's a geographically organized list of the area code, email addresses, and the people that volunteered for safe calls in the US and Canada: http://www.dungeonrealm.com/safecalls.html
• Another network is the Safe-Call Network at http://www.crosswinds.net/~safecallnet.
• In choosing a safe call network, bare in mind that these networks are all volunteer efforts and often there is no screening process for the participants. Hopefully their motives are pure but in many cases there's nothing to stop someone from volunteering with the motive of meeting a vulnerable play partner.
• You should provide the person receiving the safe call with the following information about yourself: your full name, your home address, your phone number, car information (make, model, color, and license plate number) and detailed travel itinerary (flight numbers, departure times, arrival times, rental car information, etc.)
• You should provide the person receiving the safe call with the following information about the person you're meeting: his full name, his screenname(s) / logon ID(s), his address, his phone number(s), his age, description, drivers license information, and anything else you know about him.
• Also provide the safe call receiver with the location of the meeting, phone number of the meeting place, time and date of the meeting, the local phone number of the police, and a list of people to contact in case of an emergency.
• Use a minimum of three code words or phrases: 1) All is well, 2) I feel uncomfortable about this and I want to leave, and 3) I feel that I'm in danger and I need help right away.
• The code words or phrases should be common usages that are easy to work into a casual conversation.
• You should have a clearly defined "all clear" phrase. Something the safe call recipient expects you to useunless the situation is very bad.
• Be sure to communicate what your codes words and phrases mean and what sort of response they warrant.
•   Too Vague: "If I use my code word that means I may be in trouble."
•   Better: "If I say that I 'left my window open' that means I feel uncomfortable and I'm gong to leave as soon as possible. But if I don't use the 'all clear' phrase -- even after you prompt me -- that means he's listening in on the call, he's threatening me not to use my safewords, I'm being held against my will, and you should call the police right away!"
• You don't want any doubt in anyone's mind what the code words mean or whether or not you need help.
• Set up a course of action if you fail to call at the appointed time or if you use your cade words . Both safe call participants need to understand the appropriate actions which correspond to which phrases: either for the safe call recipient to call the police and explain the situation or to show up at the meeting. You don't want the police to show up at Starbuck's with their guns drawn because your date is 200 pounds heavier than he had claimed to be. On the other hand, you don't want the safe call recipient to be driving across town in rush hour traffic to save you from an embarrassing first meeting when you've already been taken against your will to an abandoned meat packing plant.
• Make safe calls after the first 15 minutes, after the first 45 minutes, after the first 2 hours, when the meeting is over, and then 30 minutes after. If the meeting is longer than 3 hour make the call every 2 hours.
• It would be a great help if the person receiving the safe call had Caller ID.
• Safecalls are not the beginning and the end of safety. Their effectiveness is limited.

Safe Words:

A pre-arranged signal to notify the other play partner(s) -- usually the top -- if they go beyond negotiated boundaries, the sensations become too intense, or it becomes necessary to slow down a scene or stop it for any reason. One set of common safeword is "yellow" to slow down and "red" to stop. Some people use their own names as safe words. "Ow," "Ouch," and "Stop" are usually not good safe words. Safe words are not fool-proof. Subs can forget to use their safe words or reach a point where they are unable to use them. Doms can miss hearing the safe words or not respect them. Safe words are a valuable precaution but they are not the ultimate precaution.