In Great Britain, everyone is a film star. That's because,
while Brits are only around 1 percent of the global population, they're being
watched by 20 percent of the global CCTV cameras. That's more camera
surveillance than even communist China. But it's not enough to just have one
camera for every 14 people at the London Olympics. So LOCOG is not just
installing more surveillance equipment, they're also making it smarter.
There'd better be the disembodied brain of a wounded cop
controlling that thing.
The city of London is being wired up with a new range of
scanners, biometric ID cards, number-plate and facial-recognition CCTV systems,
disease tracking capabilities, new police control centers and checkpoints. All
of which will now be under a central control, and yes, that is exactly as
sinister as it sounds. This means the cameras are capable of tracking beyond
one location -- no more frantically checking every screen, trying to pick up
somebody who's walked out of frame. Because the computer does that for you. It
can now track individual human beings from camera to camera and plot their
progress, location and habits on a live, constantly updating map of Your
Business.
"That's expired salsa. Twenty quid says she poops
within the next half hour."
And don't think you can get away in a lucky fog or sudden
drizzle. CCTV isn't nearly as effective on days when it rains (which you'll
remember from our hilarious accidental missile explosion joke earlier is every
single day in London), so new thermal imaging technology is being introduced to
the CCTV cameras. And not just to watch for suspicious terrorist behavior, like
excessive hand wringing and sinister mustache twirling -- they'll also be used
to prosecute people selling counterfeit Olympics goods.
That's right: They're arming Big Brother with Predator
vision just to stop people from hawking unauthorized Wenlock shirts.
"Hi kids, I'm Wenlock! YOUR WORLD WILL END IN
FIRE."
Because there's such an insane demand for merchandise of
that adorable angry amorphous robot with the all-seeing eye. Kids just can't
get enough of him; he's like Dora the Explorer ... if she were furious, a robot
and always watching you.
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