- who found her private life wasn't so private after all...
My custody issues came about midway through the negotiations
surrounding my divorce. My ex and I had already been separated for 3 years, and
our children, both under 10, were living with me. I have a boyfriend whom I met
on the scene, but we do not live together.
My ex knew nothing about my interest in BDSM or club going,
and I thought I had been quite discreet about it. Sadly for me, a close family
member had "let slip" the word "fetish" in a discussion
with my ex, who, picked up on it, and decided to have me followed by a private
detective, to see just where I went in my free time and who I socialised with.
My boyfriend and I were completely unaware of all this; the first I knew was
when I got a phone call from my seriously worried solicitor, who had received a
dossier of photos of me, downloaded from a web site. My vanilla solicitor, a
capable, professional woman in an out of town practice, had clearly never seen
anything like this in her life, and was at a loss as to how best to proceed!
My response was indignation at having been spied on, and
anger that my good parenting was in doubt. Demands from the other side were
made, asking me to promise to remove all fetish items from my home, not wear
fetish "apparel" in front of the children, or allow them to see
photos of me. More sinisterly, my boyfriend was to undergo a police check.
This, I decided, was a clear attempt to infringe my civil rights. Whilst my
solicitor was encouraging me to "just sign the paper and move on" in
order to finalise our divorce, I dug in my heels, aware that I was being asked
to make promises I could not, and should not, be asked to keep.
I sought advise from friends on the scene, and was given the
name of a chambers with a progressive attitude and a good record in matters of
civil rights. I knew that I needed a barrister who would not be phased by
photos of me in a corset, or print outs of online discussions about whips and
bondage. An initial opinion was positive; my barrister felt that I was doing
nothing wrong, and that my ex"s announcement that he was seeking custody
of the children could not possibly come to anything. In order to do this, an
emergency custody order would have to be granted, and for that, a court would
have to be convinced that the children were in clear and immediate danger. Even
my ex"s reporting me to the social services amounted to nothing: the
children were interviewed, with my knowledge, at their school, with their class
teacher present. If a report was produced, I was not privy to it, but the
matter went quiet.
I made only one court appearance shortly after this, with my
barrister, and at that time colour photos of me, printed from the webpages he
had found, were produced. The judge rejected the idea that these had any
bearing on my parenting, and advised my ex that there really was no case for me
to answer. No proof had been presented that I was a bad mother, or that the
children were neglected or in danger. I simply had a social life that was
alternative, and different to his. I was, however, asked if I would sign an
undertaking, pared down considerably from the initial broad requirements of a
few months earlier. It was now a 5 point list, with no mention of my current
partner, or to any future partner I might have, or to my friends on the scene.
References to my choice of clothing were also removed. Instead, it centred on
"fetish accessories", defined as collars, cuffs and whips etc. which
the children were not to see, nor to have any access to BDSM literature or
websites. Discussions about BDSM were not to take place before the children
reached the age of 16, and I was not to discuss my ex by name on any website.
Reluctantly, and on the understanding that my divorce would now proceed to
finalisation quickly, I signed.
With hindsight, I can see that the element of fear which I
felt initially was unfounded, and that this whole case had a strong underlying
financial drive to it. Clearly I played into his hands: my BDSM lifestyle was
the one "point of weakness" that he and his solicitor decided to play
on. All along, personal attacks were made at me, my finances were looked into,
and the threat of removing the children were all attempts to make me back down
and accept a low financial settlement to "make it go away". Had I seen
that sooner, I may have fought harder and not signed the undertaking I did.
I do accept that there can be a very clear emotional side to
these situations, with ex partners who are genuinely at a loss to understand
the whole BDSM thing, and it frightened them. In my case, I believe my ex was
mature and experienced enough not to be phased by much, and I genuinely do not
think for one moment that he believed that his children were at risk, nor that
what I was doing in my free time was sick or unacceptable.
It is however easy for us to become complacent and blase
about what we do on the scene, but to an outsider looking in, it can look
scary, sinister, or just plain wrong.
I believe I was naive to allow photos of me to be used on a
public site, particularly at such a sensitive time in my divorce negotiations.
Anyone with children, with an ex partner, with a sensitive job, should, I
think, be aware that keeping a slightly low profile is a sensible option...it
was an emotionally and financially costly business for me to defend myself, and
one that could have been avoided had I chosen to keep my photos private. I have
seen other BDSM sites where posters refer to their children simply as "the
unmentionables", and for me, that is a sensible approach.
There are plenty of people who have argued with me that they
have a right to do what they want when they want, and that an ex cannot control
them, perhaps as they were accustomed to doing in their earlier relationship.
For my part, I think a cautious approach is the best one in a situation such as
mine; it is after all an awful lot easier to avoid attention and hassle than it
is to get out from under it when it lands on top of you.