How do you explain to the woman you love that you dream
about taking her role?
Living with autogynephilia can be hell, there is no doubt
about it. Here we are, living in a society that seems to judge us by our
ability to live up to masculine ideals, while we dream about being women full
time or at least about allowing our "inner woman" to be an important
part of our otherwise "manly" lives.
We love women, and we fall in love with women, and we want
to be with them, just like other men. But how do you approach women, when they
have no reason to expect anything else than a "normal" man. How do
you tell a woman that you dream about being the catcher, when she is looking
for a pitcher?
I am going to republish parts of an email I have gotten from
another autogynephiliac. Let's call him Anonymous 20+ The text expresses the
pain and the anguish that can follow from this condition. He is in his
twenties.
If you have any advice or experiences that can be of help,
please add a comment!
Teenage love and acceptance
"I am a ... male with autogynephilia along with
crossdressing. Almost all my fantasies involve identifying with the 'female'
role, though this has not precluded me from a couple of fulfilling
relationships in the past. I have had girlfriends, two of which were
serious(...). I've had sex with two partners -- both were these two serious
girlfriends. The last time was about four years ago....
My first girlfriend (let's call her FirstLove) knew about my
crossdressing and fantasies (we dated [as teenagers]). I told her , though it
was immensely painful to do so. Luckily, she accepted me for it. I kind of knew
she would because she had a big heart. We were both each other's firsts etc. I
suppose I am a fool for leaving her, but I was young and didn't know any
better. Now she is married. She used to go shopping with me for clothes, and we
had good sex and similar sex drives, and were very close to each other, she was
aware of my fantasies and even sometimes played along, so I know it's possible
to have a fulfilling relationship as an autogynephile.
Something's wrong with you
I did not tell my next girlfriend , in college. Let's call
her SmartGirl. Our relationship slowly progressed to staying at each other's
apartments, and we eventually had sex a few months in....Sometimes the sex with
SmartGirl was good though, I think partly because we were together long enough
to establish trust and build some physical chemistry, even though I didn't tell
her my fantasies...
But SmartGirl had a feeling something was up with me. I
think because later I avoided sex , partly I felt like I was hiding something
(which I was) , partly because I didn't care , and partly because I felt
"why be intimate if she could never accept the full picture?" So I
remained kind of distant. I also had to fantasize about taking the female role
to enjoy sex. And I still crossdressed by myself at my apartment....some months
later, she eventually left me because I did not make her feel 'desirable'. So she
cheated on me and left. Partly I think this was because I was not paying her
enough attention and initiating sex enough.
So I pick up and move on...- then this whole thing happens
again the next year with a third girl, let's call her ArtistGirl. That is,
ArtistGirl leaves me after telling me I didn't make her feel desirable. SAME
THING. You can imagine how I felt after that. ...
After that, I completely avoided relationships with women,
just because I became so scared about this whole thing. I was literally in
despair on and off for the past four years.
Two things kept running through my mind:
(1) I was a fool to have left FirstLove who I lost my
virginity to and the only girl who KNEW and accepted my fantasies
(2) Having the same failure happen TWICE in a row with the
next two girlfriends (SmartGirl and ArtistGirl) -- neither of whom I had the
guts to tell about my fantasies or crossdressing -- and then have them both
leave me , because I did not make them 'desirable' or 'wanted'. This made me
realize this was something on my end.
What a horrible feeling.
I literally remember the second time when ArtistGirl told me
the same thing as SmartGirl (basically, "what's wrong with you?",
"don't you enjoy sex?", "don't you want me?") I just felt
my stomach sink and my heart sink and I felt like I was going to cry. I felt
ill and the room was spinning. I thought to myself, "am I going to be
alone the rest of my life now?" I felt incredibly stupid, like I was
misleading them as to who I was , since I wasn't a 'normal' guy, I was some
damaged fuckup. Anyone who says it's easier to be gay or trans has no idea how
painful this is.
In hiding
For the past several years, I simply lived alone and
crossdressed on and off, despite my desire to have a girlfriend and to be in a
long term relationship..
Part of me just wants to say fuck it and be alone. But that
gets incredibly lonely. It's only fun for a little while. Part of me wants to
seek out a partner, but I feel like we'd have differing expectations -- what
could I offer her, and what could she possibly expect to offer me?
I mean, if a girl is attracted to the 'male' me and wants me
to be the 'top' in her fantasies, how can I possibly explain to her I am
fantasizing about being in her role? Can this even work? And further, how can I
possibly expect her to accept that *her* role is what I find sexually arousing?
I suppose FirstLove did... I mean I realize it's possible but how to go about
this? The logistics seem impossible. When to bring it up? I don't mind switching
off roles, but I just don't know how to get to that point in intimacy
anymore... I seriously wish this never happened to me.
I avoided all opportunities with women the past few years
due to an immense fear of failure and internal pain. (ie. I am damaged goods,
why should I bother, etc). Recently I decided that , well , I'm 26, I better
try to find a girlfriend if I ever want someone to accept me and to have
children with etc. If I fail, I fail, whatever I'll just live by myself and
crossdress and get on with things.
So I go out and make an effort to find a girlfriend. I've
been working out, staying fit, healthy, etc. I don't really crossdress that
much these days, maybe once every month or two. It's more the fantasies that
are the problem.
Incompatible?
Anyway, this is somewhat successful, and within a few months
I have a girl , lets call her Girl4, who is interested in me. I could now
hypothetically go over to her house whenever I wanted to sleep with her. But I
don't really want to... I do and I don't... For example, we have given each
other backrubs and explored each other's bodies somewhat. But I am scared out
of my mind. I feel like we don't know each other that well, and we have
mismatched expectations. For example, we are lying together, and she's asking
me all the things I want to do to her. She is talking dirty to me in a 'hetero'
way. I just feel so lost.
... Part of the problem here is that we have the SAME
fantasies. She wants to be the female role and to be sexually submissive. ...
She is fantasizing about me in the dominant role! I don't mind indulging this
as long as she understands where I'm coming from.. that I identify with HER
role and I am playing along for our mutual enjoyment. But obviously she doesn't
understand this . because I haven't explained it yet.
I might feel differently if I knew that we were in a
relationship and that she was committed to making things work etc at least for
a little while. Then I might feel more comfortable trying to make things work,
experimenting with my 'male/dominant' role etc. I don't mind 'switching' sexual
roles (dominant / submissive) or trying it at least, if we switch off. I might
even be able to enjoy taking the dominant role , based on identifying with her
reactions . But there is zero commitment here , and I feel she thinks I'm
something I'm not.
I explained to her when she asked that I was 50% dominant
and 50% submissive (which I suppose was misleading because I left out the 50/50
gender component), I also explained that I was nervous about being with a new
girl, it had been a few years, etc. I think she understands that I'm unusually
sensitive and understanding as a lover -- and I can also tell she really likes
it -- but I don't think she understands the full implications and all the
associated problems. I feel like I'm navigating a sea of postmodern
schizophrenic sexuality with no markers or reference points.
I am curious if I can perhaps enjoy sex with her by taking
the 'male' role , then by identifying with her in the submissive role, but then
I get back to , "well, why not just dress up by myself?" This is way
less effort and I know it's at least partially gratifying. Then I think , well
maybe I can make it work with this new girl if I explain to her my fantasies at
some point, and she is okay with it, and we switch off or something. But then
we go through the circle of maybe I should just have sex with her first, then
explain. Very confusing...
So that's where I'm at today. A potential girlfriend and I'm
scared and I just don't know what to do. ...
As for me -- I don't want a sex change, though sometimes I
fantasize about it, but I think that's just a fantasy. I am somewhat
comfortable in my male role. I don't mind leading when I have to. But I also
like to be in a female role sometimes. I feel like I'm 50% male and 50% female.
I am open to fulfilling my girlfriends fantasies if she accepts me for mine,
but reaching this level of intimacy is a catch-22. I simply don't know how to
go forward. It's much easier at this age to be alone, and it doesn't help that
I've cut myself off from female contact for four years.
Not knowing makes it easier
It was much easier when I was younger because I didn't think
about all these things. My girlfriend and I just fell in love. It didn't really
occur to me how messed up I actually was. Part of it was that we were both
virgins and I didn't think about the details. She loved me so much she didn't
care I was damaged goods. But now ... there is a completely different set of
expectations. Girls are looking for guys with alpha qualities, not damaged
goods they can fix up. On top of this, Casual sex is the norm in my peer group
-- but I find casual sex absolutely repulsive. Vanilla Sex in general I don't
even find arousing.
I did enjoy sex with my first girlfriend, but this was
because I trusted her immensely and we loved and took care of each other. Part
of it was also I could get away with autogynephilic fantasizing and my first
love didn't seem to care. She even played along because she loved me. But now I
seem to need to establish a high level of intimacy before I can perform and
even enjoy sex because I'm so scared about the extent of my fantasies. Hell I
don't even care that much about sex. It's more about giving my partner what she
likes , and in return she loves and accepts me.
Two failed relationships though have really made me worried
that I'm too damaged for this anymore.
So I have no idea what to do. Whether I should keep trying
to find a partner, whether I should just give up and spare myself the pain, how
I should proceed , whether I should explain myself up front, whether I should
try to have sex first and then explain myself, how other autogynephiles
approach their sex life, etc.
Anonymous 20+
For More Information about, or an understanding of Autogynephilia (Crossdreamers) please see: