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| http://www.sunnymegatron.com/bdsm-without-sex/ |
The 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon has everyone talking about
kink.
This is part of a series of
articles called Beyond 50 Shades of Grey that take a deeper, more realistic
look at elements of BDSM. Get ready to
go Beyond 50 Shades.
When we hear words like fetish, kink, BDSM or S&M we
immediately think sex.
BDSM is an acronym many in the mainstream consider
synonymous with S&M. Technically it
stands for bondage & discipline (BD), dominance & submission (DS) and
sadism & masochism (SM). In other
words– whatever it is you like that’s kinky, whether on the giving or receiving
end, is included in the all encompassing label of BDSM.
This umbrella acronym covers more than being restrained,
humiliated, spanked, acting as a slave or servant, etc. Kink preferences are as individual as those
practicing them. For instance, some may
like sensation play (anything from
feathers, silk, massage oils to pain inflicted with various implements) while
others might enjoy sensory deprivation (being blindfolded or having another one
of the senses taken away). Just because
someone is into something considered kinky, they don’t necessarily like
everything BDSM signifies– i.e. I love
to give and receive spankings but that does not mean I’m also into humiliation
role-play.
BDSM’s appeal often isn’t about sexual sensation and
gratification, it’s primary draw is the mental give and take (sometimes
referred to as power exchange). This
concept trips a lot of vanilla-leaning people up. In the media S&M clubs are referred to as
“sex clubs” and professional dominatrices as “sex workers.” How can BDSM not
include sex?
In vanilla scenarios we often say “the biggest sexual organ
is the brain.” Most of us have been in a
romantic situation with someone who on the surface isn’t stereotypically
attractive but we’re still drawn to them.
Perhaps they’re funny, deep and thoughtful, or creative and
intense. Whatever the point of
attraction, it’s directly related to the mental connection you have with each
other. Your romantic interest takes you on a cerebral rollercoaster ride so
enjoyable you don’t want to get off. Often our most profound, satisfying
relationships aren’t based on looks or sexual ability but on how the mental
connection with that person makes us feel.
Mental and emotional attraction in BDSM plays on the same
principles but on a grander and more deliberate scale. Going into a vanilla relationship we are
generally not equipped with the tools or knowledge necessary to successfully
cultivate exciting mental rollercoaster rides.
If we do connect on that level, it’s usually an accidental byproduct of
the pairing. We have no control over it–
it just “happens” (and when it does happen we’re immensely happy!).
For most kinksters our goal from the get-go is psychological
gratification. Before embarking on a
relationship/pairing we arm ourselves with tools that allow us to more
predictably arrive at that goal.
Participants in BDSM relationships spend a good deal of time on
pre-negotiation to ensure each partners needs are met. We also expect situational, physical and
psychological variables to be manipulated during scenes to help everyone
involved achieve intense emotional satisfaction. Sometimes genital contact is a part of that
and sometimes it isn’t.
In the vanilla world we can have an intense emotional
experience with someone without sex or romance.
Many of us can relate, we’ve had emotional connections and experiences
with individuals we never laid a hand on. Our pleasure is a derivative of how
that person made us feel. Perhaps they made us feel giddy and giggly, proud of
ourselves, appreciated, etc. It is no
different in BDSM scenes. We don’t have
to have sex or be sexually aroused to satisfy our psychological needs.
Asexuals have a visible presence in the kinky
community. An asexual (ace for short) is
defined as someone who does not experience sexual arousal.
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| http://www.sunnymegatron.com/bdsm-without-sex/ |
The excerpt below was written by a “kinky ace” named Lamia
S. In it Lamia explains how she receives
non-sexual gratification from BDSM. Her
writing is universal and covers a myriad of reasons why people, asexual or not,
explore kinky play.
Give it a read. It
may help you understand why BDSM is about a lot more than just sex:
“I’ve gotten a fair amount of questions, some curious and
respectful and others judgmental and rude, about why I’m into kink if I don’t
desire or gain sexual gratification. It is a fair question given that
theorists, researchers, and some others have long ago decided that BDSM is
sexual. In fact I one book went as far as to say that Aces don’t practice BDSM
but only engage in “BDSM-like activities” because somehow, this theorist
decided that without sex it doesn’t count. I’m pretty sure that people that
know me and other Kinky Aces would agree that we count just as much as anyone
else. But back to the question, Why Kink? Why play? Why Switch*? Why be a
member of a community where the majority of people are very sexual? As I’ve
told people, pleasure doesn’t have to be sexual nor do meaningful
relationships. But my usual answers are fairly vague or if the person is rude
sarcastic. So what is a more clear passionate answer? Here it is.
Topping
So, why top if not sex? There are a lot of things I love
about topping. It’s the freedom to release my inner sadist and monster. It is
the trust you build when a friend and partner gives you control. It is the
power of having another person at your whim. It is the predatory mindset of
domspace. It is the sharp tunnel vision of a hunting predator. It’s the thrill
of the “hunt”. It’s the maniacal laughter of the sadist in my head when someone
agrees to a scene. It’s the learning and mastering of skills. It’s the absolute
giddy joy of hitting some one that wants it. It’s the glory of sinking my teeth
into squirming flesh. It’s the moment of impact when my hand collides with the
skin of another. It’s the feeling of a knife, cane, flogger, or whip as an
extension of myself. It’s the beauty of the marks I leave. It is the smiles,
the laugher, the screams, the tears, and the connections that only kink can
create.
Bottoming
By now maybe you are starting to see a little of my point,
but you could still be wondering. So, why bottom if not sex? For me it is about
the anticipation before a scene. It’s the thrill of terror. It is the freedom
from facing fears. It’s the surrender of power. It’s the pride in making
another happy. It’s the glee of attention. It’s the relief of helplessness.
It’s the hug of rope and chain. It’s the sting of a cane. It’s the thud of
floggers. It’s the pound of a fist and the smart of a slap. It’s the dread of
the voice in my ear. It’s the constraint of a hand on my neck. It’s the
weightlessness of suspension. It’s the leap of my stomach right before I hit
the ground. It’s the comfort of protocol. It’s the joy of survival. It’s the
gorgeousness of the marks a top leaves. It’s the high from endorphins. It’s the
floaty fuzzy calm of subspace. It’s the trust I’ve learned to give. It’s the
protection I’ve learned to accept. It is the smiles, the laugher, the screams,
the tears, and the bonds that only kink can create.
Play and Community
Hopefully you are understanding my point. But there is still
more I want to say. I wanna tell you why in general. Why play and why be part
of the community? The play is about the connection. It’s the
friend-relation-ships I thought I’d never have. It’s about sensation. It’s
about overcoming. It’s about creation. It’s about being creative. The community
is about the bonds. It’s about acceptance. It’s about not being pressured to be
what I’m not. It’s about be liked for who I am. It’s about the encouragement to
find who I can be. It’s about having a place where I fit without modifications.
It’s about energy. It’s about the caring, the support, the give, the take, the
respect, the balance that only an island of misfit toys like the Kink Community
can muster.
So no, my kink is not about sex, it is about other things. I
don’t have want to have sex with you to learn from you or to teach you. I don’t
need sexual attraction to care or support my fellow perv. Everyone is
different, and that’s great and the Kink community is great at being ok with
that.
That is why BDSM. That’s why I’m a Kinky Ace and proud.
<3″
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