Introduction
I like to understand things. I like to know what is really
going on. I like to be as good as I can in what I do. To this end, being the
analytical type that I am, I like to have a model, or theory, which helps me to
understand what I am doing and what is going on around me.
BDSM is full of frills and window-dressing. Getting to the
core of it---understanding which are the basic "components"---means
looking around at what people do, looking at their feelings and extracting the
common elements.
I am going to present the framework in which I see and play
with BDSM. I am optimistic that submission and submissives, in all their BDSM
forms, will fit into this framework. This document is one man's evolving
opinion, i.e. mine, and not an academic work. It is the result of experience
and much thought and discussion with others in the BDSM scene.
Because there are so many ways of "doing" BDSM,
and because there are so many people doing so many different things,
terminology can be very unclear---the same word can mean many different things
to many different people. To make my framework clear it is necessary that I
define the terminology that I use. Some of these definitions you may not agree
with, but please keep them in mind, even if only while reading this.
Oh! And, by the way, to make the language simpler, and
because it suits me, I refer to dominants as male and submissives as female.
There is no gender bias implied, it just saves me fiddling too much with words.
Goals of this document
1. One goal that this document does not have is to be a guide
on how to "do" BDSM. There are no rope techniques, candle guides,
anatomy diagrams for floggers and floggees, etc. The document is about
psychology and philosophy.
2. To identify, categorise and label different forms of
submission and submissive behaviour (including slavery).
3. To identify characteristics of each form:
a. Wants or needs
b. Modes of satisfaction
c. Relation to identity of individual
4. To describe the modes of progression, or growth, in relation
to personal development, personal satisfaction, sexual satisfaction, perception
of self-worth, development of identity.
5. To discuss the dominant factor in:
a. Satisfying wants and/or needs
b. Development/growth
c. Teaching
6.To describe characteristics of the dominants required by
each type of submissive.
Definitions
The definitions key to this document are given in the
following Cornerstones section. In this section I give some background
definitions that might help a little with my use of terminology.
BDSM is a clever little acronym that stands for:
Bondage & Discipline
Dominance & Submission
Sadism & Masochism
Bondage involves being restrained physically, for example in
chains, rope or in stocks.
Dominance and submission are the subjects of this document
and will be defined below.
Sadism and Masochism refer to the giving and receiving of
pain, respectively, often for erotic purposes.
BDSM, collectively, is a consensual activity practiced
amongst adults.
The world of BDSM: the people involved in it (the players),
the activities and the parties at which it can occur are called "the
scene".
A particular BDSM event between two, or so, partners is
called "a scene". Like a scene in a play or movie, a BDSM scene has a
clearly defined start and end. It could be something like a flogging scene,
where one partner is flogged, a bondage scene, where one partner is tied up or
restrained in some way, and so on.
A particular activity is often called play. Thus you can
have bondage-play (e.g. tying someone up), pain-play inflicting pain or
exploring pain, etc.
There are very many people involved in BDSM if only for
kinky sex. Kinky sex is ordinary(?) sexual intercourse with elements of BDSM
included to fuel fantasy and/or add spice and variety.
Cornerstones
There are some key ideas that form the basis for everything
that will be discussed here. I am going to mention them now, and then elaborate
on them throughout the rest of this article.
There are two key elements to BDSM. The first is control.
The second is pain, discomfort and restraint. Both of these are required in
BDSM activities. If both are not present then it isn't BDSM.
Control
The term "control" refers to a submissive (person)
surrendering of control of some aspect of her activities to a dominant
(person), who also must accept that control.
Even in a simple scene between two strangers at a party,
where there is no emotional or spiritual bond between the players, the
submissive must still give up control, enough to allow the dominant to, for
example, take over and tie her or flog her how he chooses.
In deeper, longer-term partnerships, the surrendering of
control may extend to areas of general behaviour, attitudes, dress,
availability to the dominant, etc. This often can involve a deep attitude
change and a pervading awareness in the submissive that she is a servant or
possession of the dominant.
Sometimes the surrendering of control by the submissive and
the taking up of that control by the dominant is referred to as power exchange.
The surrendered control has specifically to do with pain,
discomfort or restraint (see below) being inflicted or imposed on the
submissive by the dominant. The dominant is in control over some or all aspects
of this while the submissive is not.
Pain, discomfort and restraint (PDR)
A submissive gives her dominant control over her. This
control extends to inflicting some form of pain, discomfort or restraint on
her.
BDSM activities all involve some form of pain, discomfort or
restraint. If there is none then it's not BDSM.
- A submissive gives control over her pain, discomfort or restraint to a dominant. There is a direct or indirect reward achieved by this "act of submission".
- A dominant is one who accepts this control and then imposes or inflicts pain, discomfort or restraint on the submissive.
- The "act of submission" is the submissive giving up the control and then accepting the pain, discomfort or restraint from her dominant that leads to her reward.
- The "act of submission" is the submissive giving up the control and then accepting the pain, discomfort or restraint from her dominant that leads to her reward.
In the rest of this document pain, discomfort and restraint
will be abbreviated as PDR.
It should be noted that the obvious physical associations
with pain, discomfort and restraint are not the only ones. Equally, or
possibly, more relevant are the emotional, psychological and spiritual pains,
discomforts and restraints such as humiliation, embarrassment, discipline,
behaviour modification, tasks and duties, etc.
It is not the case that every submissive is "into"
every form of pain, discomfort or restraint. It is that every submissive must
be "into" at least one.
Three types of submissive
- The immediate submissive finds an immediate reward as a "consequence" of the act of submission. This may be something like sexual arousal, the satiation (temporarily, at least) of feelings of guilt, or simply the pleasure of an endorphin rush. The act of submission is not pleasurable or satisfying on its own.
- The psychological submissive finds her reward in the act of submission itself. This satisfaction or pleasure can, for example, come from the associated with temporarily giving up responsibility. Or it can come from a relaxation of the need to "be herself" while the dominant is in control; she can, instead, simply be nothing, she can abandon herself completely.
- The slave has an internal need or craving that is appeased by the act of submission. The act of submission itself may or may not be pleasurable to the slave, but the release from the pressure of the need always is.
A submissive friend of mine offers the following analogy for
the three types:
Submission is like drinking a glass of water
Immediate submissives might have water only when they eat curry. They don't do it for itself really, they drink it because it makes the curry much better, cleanses the mouth, cuts the fire, makes them able to eat more. They wouldn't think of drinking water without the curry.
Psychological submissives drink water because they like it. Sure they will drink it with curry, but they'll drink it with roast beef, they'll drink it with sandwiches, they'll drink it without food at all---because they like the taste, the way if flows down the gullet, the cleansing feel.
The slave is someone in a hot climate. They have to drink water. Nothing else does the job. They can try wine or beer or sweet drinks, but when push comes to shove they must have clean water, because the others don't cure the thirst. They might allay it some but when the heat is very fierce, water is the only solution.
More on pain, discomfort and restraint (PDR)
I see PDR as aspects of the same thing. To make it easier to
present and understand I decided to use three words to describe this single
"essence" of BDSM.
What these three words have in common is the element of
discomfort. Pain is simply extreme discomfort. Physical restraint, while it may
not be physically uncomfortable, is a type of psychological discomfort---a
restriction of physical freedom.
Obvious examples of the types of PDR seen in BDSM include:
bondage, flogging, whipping, piercing, waxing and branding. These are
"physical". Psychological pain, etc., can be humiliation, abuse,
degradation and psychological torture, while psychological restraint can be
just simple authorative control.
The so-called "service ethic", or desire to please
one's dominant, is a pleasure experienced by a submissive due to the restraint
imposed on her by the dominant. The submissive given free rein is far less
happy than one who is instructed on what to do and how to please by her
dominant partner. In this way he imposes restraints on the way that she may
please him.
It may also be that this service ethic is a reinforcement
response to the pleasure experienced by the submissive as her dominant takes
and exerts control over her. By adopting the "service ethic" the
control transfer is highlighted, or even magnified, and the submissive
experiences the control transfer in a more concrete way.
Abuse and submission
A woman, before realizing or being aware that she is a
submissive may feel the stirrings of the as-yet unfocussed desires or needs for
control and PDR. Ignorant of what they mean or how to handle them she may
consciously or subconsciously start looking around for satisfaction. It is very
easy for a submissive in this state to find herself either being abused or
taken advantage of.
If her PDR desires or needs are very strong she may find
herself subconsciously propelled into relationships with abusive partners---the
difference between loving PDR and abuse not being recognized.
She may even find herself in the BDSM scene and then find
that her inexperience and her needs conspire and make her vulnerable to (i.e.
fall into the hands of) uncaring or selfish dominants.
It is difficult to avoid these situations as they are born
of ignorance and desire. However, over time, one can hope that each submissive
will find the control and PDR that she needs imposed by a caring and capable
dominant.
On what makes a submissive
Undoubtedly my earlier definitions of the three types of
submissive will cause many readers to jump up and down yelling, "No! No!
You've got it all wrong!" Let me explain a little.
My idea is that the three types of submissive all give up
control and accept PDR from a dominant and then internally "convert"
(or transmute) that discomfort into pleasure. The difference between the three
types is how this "internalisation" works.
This definition of a submissive tends to leave the dominant
out in the cold, minimalising his "role" in the process. In fact, the
dominant has two important roles in this. The first is as the one who accepts
the control and imposes the necessary PDR from the outside on the submissive.
That this is imposed from the outside is very important to the submissive's
experience in much the same way as a self-administered back scratch or
masturbation is not as pleasurable as when done by a trusted partner. The
dominant acts, in fact, as the controller or regulator of the submissive's
experience.
The second important dominant role is that of
"environmental engineer". The dominant creates and maintains the
environment of trust, safety and security in which the submissive can relax and
completely immerse herself in the experience.
This second role requires that a level of trust and intimacy
exist between the dominant and the submissive.
A possible third role, not as important as the first two,
could be that of creator and supporter of the fantasies that some submissives
use to enhance their experience.
The immediate submissive
So, All three types of submissive internally convert the
transfer of control and the PDR into pleasure. Above, when defining the first
type, the immediate submissive, I spoke about sexual arousal and satiation of
guilt as the typical "motives" of this type of submissive.
For the immediate submissive the act, or acts, of
submission---the pain, the flogging, the whipping, the bondage, etc.---often
fulfil a sexual fantasy leading to high sexual arousal followed by extra good
sex. These fantasies might have any origin, with childhood or early pubescent
experiences being the likely causes. The actual origin of these fantasies is
not important here.
Another typical motive, satiation of guilt, occurs mostly
when the submissive has left-over guilt feelings, maybe from childhood or maybe
from some post-pubescent traumatic experiences. The submissive then feels the
need to be punished and flogging or whipping satisfies that need for a time.
Finally, some submissives use pain to achieve an endorphin
rush. Endorphins are the natural chemicals released by the body in response to
sustained and relatively intense pain. These chemicals act on the brain
producing a type of euphoria.
The key to defining an immediate submissive is that they
find no satisfaction directly from the act of submission (the flogging,
whipping, restraint, etc.) It is the "immediate" consequence of the
act, e.g. the sexual arousal or satiation of the need for punishment, which is
the reward for this type of submissive. Without the reward (e.g. the guilt
remains, or no hot sex follows) the act of submission will be viewed as
"wasted".
The psychological submissive
The psychological submissive finds satisfaction from the act
of submission in itself. The act is its own reward. There need not be any other
consequence.
This type of submissive is basically a type of masochist and
internally converts the pain or discomfort to pleasure, be it through experiencing
the high of an endorphin rush, or some other psychological mechanism. This will
be discussed further below.
The slave
The act of submission is something that both the immediate
and the psychological submissive do for the direct or indirect pleasure that
they receive from it. It is something that they choose to do in much the same
way as anyone chooses to do any of life's pleasures.
The slave on the other hand has no choice about submitting.
Where the other two types of submissive experience the act as a source of
pleasure, the slave experiences the act as a way of satisfying a deep and
powerful need or craving. The satisfaction, or reward, for the slave comes from
the release---for a time---from the need.
Typically the slave experience will be that of a need,
slowly growing or building in intensity, until it is so strong that the slave
must seek release via her particular act of submission.
Due to this being experienced as a craving-type need passive
acts of submission, e.g. bondage, are typically not enough to appease the
slave's need. Something more "active" is required---typically
immediate, hard, physical pain. or tightly-maintained active control.
Because the pleasure aspect, experienced by the immediate
and psychological submissives, need not be a part of the slave's makeup, it may
be that the slave is not an active participant in other BDSM activities. She is
only "there" when her need forces her to be.
A summary
It is important to note, in the descriptions above, that the
relationship is between each type of submissive (or slave) and the act, or
acts, of submission that lead to her satisfaction. The dominant is not really
in the picture. I will get onto Him a little later.
Although I describe three types of submissive, classified
according to how they internalise their own individual act(s) of submission, I
do not want to imply that these are "steps". Instead I see it as a
continuum, with an infinite number of gradations and with each submissive being
able to identify herself, or aspects of herself, at one or more positions on
the scale.
On combinations of submissive in the one person
By defining the three types of submissive I am not trying to
fit every submissive person into a single one of these "categories".
Instead I am trying to identify characteristics of submissives.
I would expect that the only "pure" form of any of
these three types would be the immediate submissive, mainly appearing in the
guise of the kinky-sex practitioner. In the vast majority of these I doubt
whether you would find any elements of the psychological submissive or the
slave.
On the other hand I would expect that the psychological submissive
would often also have immediate submissive characteristics, maybe finding her
act of submission both satisfying on its own and, at the same time, sexually
arousing---a double reward for her.
And I think it likely that the slave when not submitting for
the sake of satisfying her need or craving, may also submit for a immediate or
psychological pleasure.
The dominant factor
Up to this point I have been mainly discussing the
submissive and her experience in isolation. I have tried to avoid mentioning
the contribution that comes from the dominant so as to present an artificially
clear picture. The addition now of the dominant factor brings a bit of reality
into the discussion.
A submissive, on her own, can of course experience
self-inflicted PDR. It is, however, a shallow, predictable and lonely
experience.
The dominant introduces elements of unpredictability,
apprehension, fear, love, intimacy, sharing, togetherness and sharing; as well
as pacing and external control.
One of the principal contributions of the dominant is that
by being in control of the PDR he allows the submissive to explore her feelings
is a relatively responsibility-free and relaxed mind-set.
Here is a list of this and other contributions of the
dominant:
- The creator and controller of the fantasy (if any),
- The controller and regulator of the PDR,
- The source of the trust and feeling of safety that allows the submissive to "let herself go" and fully immerse herself in the experience,
- A focus for the submissive's surrender of control,
- Protector of the submissive's well-being.
- Even though the "good stuff" happens inside the submissive's head, it is the dominant who is in control and who directs the action.
To maximise the experience the submissive needs to be
protected from all distractions and to be relieved of any necessity to do other
than "feel". To this end the submissive gives control over herself,
to varying degrees, to the dominant. This control might simply be physical,
allowing the dominant, for example, to inflict pain on or bind the submissive,
or might also extend into the emotional allowing the dominant to play
"head games", e.g. humiliation. The degree of control handed over to
the dominant is dependent on the extent of the submissive's desire or need for
PDR, and by the amount of trust that the submissive has in the dominant's
intentions and ability.
So the submissive gives up control and, therefore, can relax
more into the experience of her act of submission. The more control she gives
up, the less she has in the way of distraction and therefore the deeper she can
immerse herself.
The dominant, now in control, directs the
"action". This might involve fantasy role-playing for
couples/submissives so inclined. The submissive, to some degree immersed or
"lost" in the PDR, follows the lead of the dominant within the
fantasy. It is not surprising to typically find that the submissive's role in
any fantasies is also submissive, while the dominant's role is correspondingly
dominant.
Submissives often immerse themselves to such an extent that
they cannot judge or respond correctly to the pain that they are receiving. It
is the job and responsibility of the dominant to regulate the stimulation and
to monitor the effects that it is having on the submissive, guiding the
"session", taking the submissive through her act of submission and
back safely out the other side.
The dominant, naturally enough, must remain aware enough and
unaffected enough (e.g. by tiredness, alcohol or drugs) throughout each scene
to make reasonable judgements as to the well-being of the submissive.
The dominant, as regulator of the stimulus, serves two
purposes. He allows the submissive to concentrate, or focus, on the experience
rather than concerning herself with how and when the stimulus is applied, and
also serves as the guide, taking the submissive in and then bringing her back
out again.
The submissive trusts the dominant as the inflictor of the
stimulus, but there are other areas of trust involved as well.
The entire ambient of the scene is under the control or, at
least, watchful eye of the dominant. He ensures that, during the scene, while
the submissive is "away" that there will be no distractions for her
and that she is kept safe. He is her protector. Her trust in him to do this
properly also affects how deeply she will be able to immerse herself in the
experience.
The submissive, as she relaxes into her experience,
surrenders control. The dominant typically serves as a focus for this
surrender---being a trusted, maybe loved, partner. At the same time as the
submissive surrenders control the dominant must be perceived to be accepting it
from her. The relaxation occurs best when the submissive "sees" that
the dominant has actively and obviously taken control---this gives the
submissive confidence in her action of surrender.
One of the key words as far as trust goes is confidence. The
submissive must be confident that her dominant will be able to, and will, take
care of her. To be able to take care of his submissive the dominant must be
able to understand her feelings and emotions (empathy), be aware of how these
ebb and flow through the course of a scene, and indeed often outside of a scene
as well, be able to communicate the fact that he has these understandings to
the submissive, and be capable of handling the physical and procedural elements
of the scenes, i.e. that he is aware of how to flog or bind safely, that he is
aware of techniques to handle physical and emotional crises, and that he is
stable and reliable if such occurs.
Also, a submissive will trust a regular, well-known partner
more than a stranger. And, the more intimate and detailed the understanding
that the submissive has of the dominant the more comfortable she will feel
handing over control to him.
For the psychological submissive and the slave the emotional
intimacy leading to deepened trust is very important. These types of
submissives require more than physical submission and thus, the vulnerability
that the submissive feels is greatly increased over that experienced by the
immediate submissive.
For trust in these two types to grow it is absolutely
necessary that the dominant's performance---be it physical skill, or emotional
sensitivity, understanding or support---be constant, reliable and predictable.
The submissive must have absolute confidence about how the dominant will
behave, and that her feelings and expressed desires are respected. Just
slightly overstepping stated limits by even a fraction by a dominant can cause
wariness and distrust that can take a long time to dispel.
The role of the dominant to each type of submissive
Each type of submissive requires different skills and
abilities from her dominant. One which often goes unmentioned is the dominant's
ability to "carry off" the "act of domination". This is
being able to present himself and act in such a way that the submissive can
both feel comfortable giving up control to him and also feel him taking it up.
Some try to be dominants but cannot carry it off---they may appear comical
instead of authorative for example. In any case, this ability can be either innate
or learned, but must be present in all dominants.
The immediate submissive requires, above all, a dominant who
is physically skilled at BDSM. I.e., he must be aware of safety techniques, be
skilled at bondage, flogging, whipping, waxing, etc. It is often the case that
variety of techniques is the key to the success of this type of dominant.
Also good acting skills and imagination are important where
the submissive requires fantasy to support their act of submission.
These skills are not skills that require emotional
understanding or support of the submissive. They are plain and simple S&M
and role-playing skills. "One-night stands" are possible and likely
with this type of dominant.
The psychological submissive and the slave require someone
who is capable of creating in them the feelings of trust that let them open up
and experience their act of submission at a more emotional and spiritual level.
This dominant for these types of submissive need not be so
gymnastic as that for the immediate submissive, nor must he be so capable at so
many techniques. Instead he must be capable of understanding and supporting the
submissive, and of providing the PDR for the specific acts of submission that
satisfy the submissive.
These two types of submissives generally don't look for a
wide range of techniques from their dominant. They find their satisfaction more
in the depth of the experience rather than the breadth.
The dominant for these submissives must generally be
capable, and interested, in sustaining an emotionally or spiritually intimate
relationship with the submissive in the long-term. This allows the deep trust
to develop which is required for the submissive's surrender, at least within
the act of submission.
The dominant required by the slave has a different focus
than that of the psychological submissive's.
The slave's dominant is looking to apply the PDR to satisfy
the slave's need. There may be no recreational or pleasure element in the
activity, or if there is it often must be considered as secondary to the
primary need-satisfaction goal.
The psychological submissive likely receives more pleasure
from the activity than the slave and therefore the dominant's role and focus is
less business-like, more pleasure-oriented and more emotionally intimate than
the slave's.
Because the slave experiences a need and not simply a
desire, the dominant must be more responsible and recognise his duty to the
slave to satisfy that need.
Applying the pain, discomfort and restraint
It is not enough for a submissive to just feel PDR. It must
be applied in such a way that satisfies or stimulates the submissive. It is a
positive reaction that is sought, not a negative one, so the PDR must be just
right.
The immediate submissive, particularly she who is looking
for BDSM as a type of sexual foreplay, will most likely be looking for
superficial PDR. It is not these that the submissive responds to directly; they
are, instead, symbols which form part of her fantasy. Too much PDR and she will
begin to suffer, be distracted and then the effect will be lost.
Where the PDR serve in themselves, e.g. to satiate feelings
of guilt, then intense pain may be required to cause the physical or emotional
suffering or stimulation needed.
In general the immediate submissive requires very different
types of PDR than the psychological submissive or the slave.
The psychological submissive and the slave seek to
"lose themselves", or surrender to the PDR. It must be applied
continuously (or regularly) over an (extended) period of time to allow the
submissive to acclimatise herself somewhat to it, to feel it, focus on it and
immerse, or lose, herself in it.
This is not to say that the PDR is constant. This is not so.
It will generally be applied slowly, maintained and then withdrawn in such a
way that the submissive is not, at any time, shocked or startled by its
application.
The submissive reaction (to PDR)
Each type of submissive "processes" their PDR
differently. However, at any particular time the submissive's response will be
tempered by their own emotional and spiritual state. Thus worries, nervousness
and anxiety may serve to dampen their experience while feelings of excitement,
anticipation and fear may serve to heighten it. To some extent these feelings
may be completely internal, or may be inspired in the submissive by the
dominant.
The immediate submissive often uses the PDR to feed a
fantasy or satiate some feeling, such as guilt. Her reaction is indirect in
that the consequence of the PDR is generally not logically related to the
stimulus; or, to put it another way, the PDR is a key that unlocks the reaction
rather than creating it.
This reaction then, will be something like sexual arousal, a
release of emotional tension or an endorphin-inspired state of euphoria.
The psychological submissive instead reacts directly to the
PDR. Her reaction might also include reactions typical of the immediate submissive,
but will mainly---as far as the submissive is concerned---consist of emotional
or spiritual feelings such as loss of identity, floating, feelings of
belonging, being protected and desires to please her dominant. Note that these
cited feelings are sometimes collectively called sub-space.
A more long-term consequence for the psychological
submissive or slave is a growing emotional attachment to the dominant due to
the increased emotional intimacy between them.
The slave reaction may be one of simple release (from the
pressure of the slave's need). There will likely be gratitude as the slave is
aware that she cannot satisfy her need herself and knows that the dominant is
making a sacrifice for her.
At the same time it is possible that the slave will also
experience the same reactions (and pleasures) as the other two types of
submissive, although while the slave's need is "active" the primary
concern of the slave, and primary source of satisfaction, will be the satiation
of, and subsequent release from, the need.
The three types of submissive each have different levels of
"commitment" to submission. This ranges from practically no
commitment on the part of the immediate submissive through to potentially vital
or life-saving commitment on the part of the slave.
The submissive's response to their own level of commitment
may also see other reactions, such as love, the desire to "feel
submissive" or the "service ethic" appearing.
The service ethic---the desire to please and serve the
dominant within a scene, or as part of the submissive's out-of-scene
relationship with the dominant---is likely a combination of:
- the emotional intensity experienced by the submissive,
- a manifestation, outside of scene, of the desire to be controlled. This occurs as a consequence of the pleasure experienced "in-scene" when the submissive is under the control of the dominant, a sort of pavlovian response,
- possibly gratefulness,
- possibly something else
The submissive's self-image
The submissive's participation in BDSM activities may change
her perception of herself. Immediate submissives into the kinky-sex side of
BDSM may not think of themselves as more than sexually adventurous.
As their involvement, and pleasure/satisfaction, from PDR
grows they may begin to question their moral and social values. This will
likely come from a realization that what they are doing "isn't
normal". They may feel confused or guilty and their own self-image may be
lowered if they think that they are doing something "bad".
Alternatively, as they realize that they do achieve a
significant amount of satisfaction from their act of submission they may enter
a phase of self-denial, denying how satisfying, pleasurable or even necessary
it really is to them. Slave's, particularly, are prone to this, denying that
they are truly experiencing a need as opposed to a simple desire.
A submissive, when experiencing any of these negative
self-image reactions to her involvement with BDSM will recover best when she
has the support of others with similar interests. This will help her accept her
desires and activities. Left alone or isolated she will find no community
support and her feelings may turn to guilt and lowered self-worth.
With the support of a caring dominant a submissive can also feel
pride in her achievements as a submissive. The physical and emotional skills
that she must learn, the discipline that she must master, all give her skills
that she can recognize as making her "better" and making her grow as
a person.
The growth and development of a submissive
A submissive does not enter the BDSM scene "fully
formed". Instead she enters with some idea of her wants and needs and, as
her experience grows, her appreciation of what is available in the scene
matures (possibly sparking new ideas) as does her own awareness of her wants
and needs.
She will try various things, possibly with a range of
partners. The different techniques, both physical and emotional, will have
their effects and she will select what she likes and what she finds pleasing or
necessary for her.
Things that were possibly new and exciting at the beginning
will maybe lose their gloss and things that were once considered beyond her
limits will become desirable.
Variety will likely be important for purely recreational BDSM,
but for psychological submissives and slaves certain specific acts of
submission will be discovered that "do the trick" better than others.
These will become "favourites".
It is likely that a submissive will enter the scene as an
immediate submissive. It is unlikely that she would be aware that there is the
possibility of any deep satisfaction being found in PDR alone unless she
recognizes masochism in herself.
So, She will explore sensation and pain play, bondage and
fantasy role-playing. This may be enough for her and she may remain an
immediate submissive for her entire BDSM career.
Or she might find that control and PDR itself stir something
inside her. She will explore different types of PDR and play with different
intensities, maybe pushing her own limits. With experience she will both be
able to identify the acts of submission that she best responds to, and will
also learn the ability to let herself respond deeply to the control and to the
PDR and find satisfaction in it. This "learning to respond" is both a
psychological and emotional skill that will take her considerable time to
develop. It consists partly of a journey of self-discovery and
self-recognition. She will become, as a consequence of this journey, a
psychological submissive.
The "something" that stirs inside her may be the
coalescing of miscellaneous small, different feelings, cravings, wants or needs
into a single focussed one. What she finds from satisfying this may be enough
to trigger a type of dependency, thus making her, instead of a psychological
submissive, a slave to the resultant need.
In any case, along the way she will undoubtedly experience
new feelings and find new desires and possibly needs within her.
The growth and development of a dominant
Like a submissive, a dominant is likely to enter the scene
either as a sadist, or with ideas of finding an immediate-type submissive,
possibly for kinky-sex.
As the one who inflicts the PDR on the submissive one of the
first things that he must learn is how to do the inflicting and how to do it
safely. The early stages here are purely mechanical---involving tying knots,
and learning how to wield a whip, flogger, crop and candle.
If he is into role-playing fantasy then he must also learn
how to create scenes in his mind and how to express them, story-teller style,
to his submissive.
His growth might end at this point. He might remain an
immediate dominant.
Further development requires that he don a mantle of
significant responsibility because to involve himself with a psychological
submissive or a slave means exploring and playing with the often-sensitive
emotional and spiritual sides of his submissive. Cuts and bruises caused by a
whip or flogger will heal in a few days, but the real emotional hurt that a
dominant can inflict on a trusting submissive by poorly chosen words or actions
can take weeks or months to heal, if ever.
The skills required by this type of dominant include
perceptiveness, compassion, wisdom, sensibility, understanding, empathy, patience,
openness, honesty, the ability to communicate, the ability to explore trust and
the ability to explore intimacy, both his submissive's and his own, without
fear or deception.
Some dominants have these skills. Some must learn them. Some
will never have them.
The dominant of a psychological submissive or a slave will
take often the role of teacher and mentor for his submissive. She will look to
him for guidance and authority in her exploration of herself and BDSM. He will
need to be sensitive to her changing needs both within scenes and in
"real-life" as her submissive aspects develop and integrate with the
rest of her personality.
Of course, the dominant must learn these things, often doing
so with a submissive whose experience reasonably matches his own, growing with
her and, undoubtedly, making mistakes along the way.
The best tool that the dominant has to aid his learning and
his growth is his ability to communicate with his submissive. By talking with
her, discussing her reaction to him and to their scenes together he will learn
how she reacts and gain more confidence in himself. From her and his growing
pool of experience he will develop new ideas and new approaches.
He needs to be very open and very accepting. It will often
be the case that his own preconceived ideas will be clearly and definitively
wrong, and he must be ready to read the signs and hear the words from his
submissive that tell him so. Stubbornness in some things is good, but
responding and adapting too slowly to his submissive can be just as damaging to
the submissive's trust as responding badly or not responding at all.
Courtesy of Peter Masters
Courtesy of Peter Masters