Hello world! A closet crossdressers first outing...

Hello world! This is my first post ever! Feel honoured (or ambivalent!) It's an exciting event for me at any rate. I've been a closet crossdresser for nearly 40 years but, like others for sure, culture and upbringing have made me hide who I am. It probably had something to do with my last relationship of over 10 years failing and since then I've withdrawn from the world as a male and started to explore my other half, as it were.

I recently started visiting a support group in girl mode (now that was truly scary) but have always managed to get there without being seen by many people. The group is wonderful but I probably didn't leave a very good first impression because I was concentrating on not hyperventilating. I was being seen!!! Suddenly everything was real and out in the open. A step forward but also a step that could never be undone. I was officially a crossdresser.

The group is mainly filled with transgendered people (please excuse the choice of terms, I don't really understand labels and therefore may not be using them correctly). But there is also a genetic woman  there who comes to provide support, encouragement and advice (Lady L, for the purposes of this blog). I think this was the cosmos finally throwing me a lifeline because without her I wouldn't be writing about the experiences I've had.

Lady L invited me to a performance at a fringe festival. With real people. Breathing people. Seeing people! Could I go? Was I ready for that? Would they be ready for me? I started to panic. I wanted to run. The head of the tortoise started to withdraw. So I said 'ok!'. Idiot. Way to go!

The day of the event was pretty much a blur. I did my makeup. Twice. I put on a blue dress (long sleeved because my arms are seen at work, so they still have hair, albeit trimmed and bleached, so arms don't really fit in either of my worlds), picked up my handbag and left. The trip to the car is always really traumatic but kept looking through my handbag as a walked away and hoped no-one would recognise me.

I picked up Lady L, who said she would look after me (if only she knew what that meant! As it turns out she did!) When we got there, it was filled with people. OMG. I forgot everything! To walk in a straight line, knees together; to push my shoulders back; to keep my head up; to look around and make eye contact with other women. All I could think of was that I couldn't walk on carpet in heels (of all things!) and that when I fell I would be seen by someone from work and the pace of this journey would be out of my control. It's truly amazing how loud the sound of knocking knees is. I must have looked like a rabbit caught in a car's headlights because Lady L asked me if it was too much and I wanted to leave. Thankfully I said no so she took me by my arm and helped steer me forwards.

Once we got seats and the lights dimmed for the start of the production, I managed to relax a little. I didn't know anyone, that I could see, and no-one had got up, pointed at me and started to laugh. I did get lots of looks and I'm sure all of my flaws, that stop me from being passable, were noted. But nothing else happened. I had made it in! I half watched the production and half watched the ladies around me: how they sat, where they put their handbags (not from a theft point of view please understand!) and how they sipped their drinks and moved about.

It was during that time I realised I would never be 'good enough'. I would always be a wannabe trying to replicate an overwhelming number of traits and behaviours (sorry I'm a scientist by trade) and would never really pass. Especially while trying to juggle both my male and female lives, without committing to either. Afterwards I mentioned this to Lady L and her response was perhaps the most enlightening part of the evening. No I won't ever be 'good enough', but why would I want to? In trying to be someone else and gain acceptance I had forgotten to be me!

I don't have any answers or words of wisdom. Well actually I do! If you're lucky enough to find a true friend, like I have, it would make this journey so much easier. If not, look to your nearest support group (physically or even electronically) because you never know where you'll find the support you need.

All I truly know is that this won't be my last trip in girl mode. I'm tired of being scared of everything so watch out barriers, I'm coming for you!