'Time' is money in my business and the 'Player' who wastes it.

Time is a precious resource to me as it is for most people. In some ways, 'time' is money in my business, in other ways, 'time' is something which cannot be regained once lost.

I sometimes wonder how much of MY  time is wasted on 'players' - those who fruitlessly waste the time of others. I view these people as lacking a genuineness to them and are not serious considerations in MY world of BDSM.

Having kept a diary of callers and mailers, I have come up with what I consider a breakdown of my potential clients:

 40 % of them seem to be TOTAL players 30 % of them are real, but pretend to be something they are not.
 25 % of them seem to be genuinely interested in BDSM but will never commit to any activities - whether online, one to one, munches or clubs. 5 % are real, genuine and dedicated.

So, if I receive 10 calls in a week, 10 new twitter followers and 10 emails;  only 1.5  of those enquiries are real. Sad really.

Who are those people in the 50% group? It would seen they are the scammers, con artists, married men masturbating while the wife sleeps, the bored office workers, etc...  Most, if not all, of what they say / write is bullshit.

The 30% group are 'make-believers' - stating they are submissive but are not,  they like to top from the bottom. They question exactly what they will get for their money, want a reduced rate or even question ones monetary  value. They want their step by step instructions followed to the letter - making a session a one way street of personal gratification. These people don't really know what BDSM is all about. These are the ones who, for example, want a Twitter Mistress without it costing them a penny - because there is no real respect for BDSM from them.

The 25 % group is everywhere. They fantasise about BDSM, being dominated and humiliated, but will never ever step out of their comfort zone and experience it for real - whether in person or online. It will always be; "Next year..week..when I get divorced..."

Finally, I come to the 5% group. These people know the scene and what is going on. They are genuine and committed. these people are My needle in a haystack. The genuine submissive.

As I mentioned earlier, time cannot be recouped.  The problem I find in dealing with the pretenders, scammers, fantasists and players, is that the time spent interacting with this "submissive" is gone forever.  I have given my genuine attention to this person and while I interacted and had my 'time' wasted on a fruitless pursuit, I have probably missed a call from a genuine sub.

As any Mistress will point out, experience means the ability to recognise the 'player' quickly.  But, with the economy keeping genuine subs away and spending less at the moment, I'm finding myself in situations where I spend time interacting and nurturing  for nothing.  There are so many pretenders out there, that it seems most of my communications are nothing more than time wasting.

What is Financial Domination?

Recently, I have noticed a split between Dom's regarding BDSM scenes, sessions and Financial Domination. Many Mistresses see Financial domination as a cheap, gold digger opportunity practiced by young, inexperienced so-called Mistresses. granted, there does seem to be quite a lot of those about. But, Financial Domination is no less a fetish or practice than one to one sessions.

There needs to be clarity as to what Financial Domination actually is. It is not just about getting money for nothing. True Financial domination requires skill and planning.

A submissive who wishes to be in the presence of a dominant female, to serve and be trained has his erotic fantasies, a need to lose control, be sexually, mentally and / or spiritually humiliated. A submissive offers him/herself willingly - because they want to. The same applies to a submissive who has fantasies of financial humiliation. They offer themselves willingly because they seek a form of fantasy involving money - they seek an erotic fulfillment by giving up control of some or all of their finances - something quite dangerous in today's capitalist society.

A submissive who longs for a Mistress to control his money knows that there is no benefit in the arrangement for themselves and that they will need to make financial sacrifices to manage their fantasy.

If, and often it is, Financial Domination is coupled with Blackmail, the submissive feels even more humiliated and out of control as s/he is forced into making a choice between financial humiliation and an even greater humiliation where certain details, photos etc might be available for public viewing. Again, I stress, the submissive is a willing participant - all actions were entered into by the submissive, knowing they could be used as blackmail.

The question asked by many about submissive who wish for financial arrangements is; "Why would anyone want to do that?" The answer is simple - they get off on it.

As I said earlier, financial domination needs planning, thought and creativity. it's not just a matter of "Submissive X. Pay my bills. Do It!" It's far more than that. As with BDSM sessions where a Mistress will train, guide and push her subs limits, so Financial Domination needs to be the same. With a direct Mistress / Submissive relationship, the dominant has a chance to gauge the submissive psychology, emotional state, limits and moments of reflection and so on - a very important factor in a D/S relationship. The same principles MUST be maintained within a Financial Domination / Submissive relationship too. A first meeting is essential to gauge the submissive, run through starter limits, budgets and the all important question - How does the submissive really know this is what s/he really wants, are they aware of the consequences? How the submissive can stop the 'game' etc.

Meetings do not have to be in person but they do need to happen. Mistresses who are expert Financial Dominants have been known to 'attend' meetings as their submissive's 'new' PA, or an executive from another company arranging a meeting with the submissive, using the opportunity to check on their submissive's finances,  set sales goals for their submissive's to achieve, which would mean more bonuses for the submissive at work and thus more financial contributions to the Mistress.

Financial Domination - in it's true sense is great fun for both the Dominant and the submissive, but has to be undertaken with caution - Blackmail is a big NO NO within the legal sense, therefore a 'contract is essential - to dismiss any legal mishaps. 

Counselling

To be honest, the days of counselling  just for “the mentally ill” is out. Yes, you can still find bad jokes, stigma attachments and sometimes judgements attached to counselling by narrow minded  individuals but, to the growing number of people these days, counselling is just another positive resource many individuals and families utilise to help them understand themselves and make sense of  the world around them.

http://www.lifecyclecounselling.co.uk/

In today's world, we are more informed about caring for our Body, Spirit and Mind and that each part plays an important role in our overall health. We will all, as you might expect, at some point in our lives experience situations or emotions that we cannot make sense of. Counselling will not offer immediate fixes, but will help you find a sense of direction so you can work through your problems.

http://www.lifecyclecounselling.co.uk/

Transexualism, Feminism, and Gender

This is an article I found some years ago on Below the belt.org, regarding Transphobia and Feminism.

For those who follow my BLOG, you will be aware that I have a huge interest in the psychology behind all aspects of BDSM, including transgender issues.

As aggressively vitriolic and hurtful as radical feminist criticism of transsexuals often is, I believe that transsexuals do themselves a grave disservice by dismissing that criticism as entirely rooted in blind transphobia. There is certainly a very strong element of transphobia in certain quarters of the feminist movement, but even a broken clock is right two times a day. It is hardly surprising that the majority of transsexuals are heteronormative in terms of their chosen gender presentation and behavior, but this becomes exceedingly problematic due to the extremely loud and highly active minority of transsexuals who are militantly heteronormative.

Due to the disparity in visibility between different types of transsexual, there is a very unfortunate illusion that female-to-male transsexuals don't exist at all and that male-to-female transsexuals are mostly overcompensating super-macho males transitioning into oversexed, hyper feminine females who insist on absolute conformity to patriarchical norms and the "Madonna-Whore Complex". Given that perception, it's no wonder that radical feminists tend to brand transexualism as nothing more than a particularly crazed attempt to invade and subvert the women's rights movement. This ugly misunderstanding is exacerbated by the small but extremely vocal minority of transsexuals who condemn non-traditional gender expression as "perverting" or "diminishing" the meaning of gender itself. While the vast majority of transsexuals do not agree with this militant conformist position, many of them also do not speak out against it because they are personally comfortable with traditional gender roles and often fear the lack of structure involved in a gender deconstructionist world.

It is important to point out that those who are not familiar with the psychological treatment protocols for transsexuals often fail to realize that a lot of the gender policing in the trans community originates behavioural requirements imposed on transsexuals by the medical gatekeepers who control our access to treatment. The Standards of Care for Gender Identity Disorders mandate that transsexuals go through a "real life test" to demonstrate their gender identity prior to receiving hormone replacement therapy and sexual reassignment surgery, and the majority of psychologists use this requirement to demand and enforce gender policed behaviour throughout the transition period.

Those who have completed the gender transition process are largely free of the mandates of psychologists, but the intense social and legal discrimination against them often pushes them into continued gender policing as a defence mechanism. The safety provided by "stealth" status is in many ways only an illusion, but it's very fragility tends to make "passable" transsexuals extremely reactionary towards anything which has the slightest possibility of outing them. Exercising passing privilege is a double-edged sword in that living in stealth is living in constant terror of discovery, and that terror may cause transsexuals to betray everything they should believe in. This is why stealth transpersons' often hypocritically adhere to social conservatives or the transphobic flavour of radical feminism; in their persecution-induced paranoia, they decide that no one would suspect an outspokenly transphobic man or woman of being a transsexual.

The fearful silence of the "stealth majority" has given the militant conformists a disproportionate voice within the American transsexual community, and this has produced an distinct tendency towards both internal and external gender policing behaviour. Relatively few step forward to challenge the conformists' dogmatic assertions that that anyone who exhibits gender variant behaviour is "not really transsexual", that only transsexuals merit treatment because they are "normal", and that transsexuals who cannot pass should "be realistic" and not transition because it would trigger witch hunts against those who do pass. To be perfectly blunt, the militant conformists have chosen to sell out to the very society which oppresses them, spurning the deconstruction of rigid gender roles which would set them free, and instead embracing a traitor's thirty pieces of silver in the form of passing privilege.

Most transsexuals are distinctly uncomfortable with the extremism of the gender conformists, but they also seem to be unwilling to completely distance themselves from it. This is probably because the clear lines and standards drawn by the conformists are reaffirming to those who are themselves comfortable with gender normatively in the first place; they may not necessarily agree with excluding others, but they still feel reassured of their own "belonging". This is extremely unfortunate because as long as moderates do not clearly distinguish themselves from extremists, they will inevitably be smeared with guilt by association. As long as the bulk of the transsexuals who make themselves visible to outsiders are the militant conformists and those conformists have (or are perceived to have) tacit support from the majority, it is going to be nearly impossible to refute the assumption that all or most transsexuals are the same way.

The long term solution to these issues is for the current generation of transsexuals to reject the vicious orthodoxy of conformist gender policing and to embrace in its place the freedom of gender deconstruction. This does not mean that all of us must reject traditional gender expression or stealth concealment as personal decisions, only that need to cease imposing them on others as moral imperatives. Just as a feminist may choose to be a housewife while fighting society's attempts to force all women to be housewives, so also can a transsexual chose to be gender normative while fighting misguided attempts to force all transsexuals to be gender normative. The bottom line is that there is no one "correct" form of gender expression which all males or all females should be required to adhere to.

Connecticut Supreme Court weighs whether severely mentally ill woman could consent to violent, sadomasochistic sex

Daily Mail: 

14 March 2013 |

The Connecticut Supreme Court is this week considering arguments over whether a severely mentally ill woman could have legally consented to violent, sadomasochistic sex.

Caroline Kendall Kortner began having sex with Greenwhich computer programmer Craig Martise when she was 32. Her mother found out when she noticed red marks and welts on her daughter's neck.

According to court documents, the relationship included Martise dragging Kortner by a leash and dog collar, slapping her with his hand and a belt, pinching and twisting body parts, tying and gagging her and dripping burning hot wax on her.

Prosecutors refused to charge Martise, but Mary Kortner sued in 2006. She claimed that a court had ruled Kendall Kortner incapable of making decisions for herself and that she could not consent to any sex - much less the kind of relationship she had with Martise.

While sadomasochism was glamorized in the popular 2011 book trilogy 'Fifty Shades of Grey,' the practice has long been on questionable legal ground.

 Some lawyers argue that no one can consent to being assaulted or abused during sex.

Appeal: Kendall Karson's mother Mary brought the case to the Supreme Court after a jury found that the sex was consensual

Others say established legal principles provide sexual rights to most people, including elderly people in nursing homes and the mentally ill.

There are few court rulings, however, dealing directly with BDSM, short for bondage, discipline, dominance/submission and sadomasochism.

Kendall Kortner had been diagnosed with clinical depression, borderline personality disorder, bulimia and anorexia. She tried to commit suicide twice and had a stroke in 2001 that left her partially paralyzed from the waist down and incontinent, court records say.

She weighed just 80 pounds and lived in an assisted-living facility, where she was learning to survive on her own.

In high school, she showed enormous promise and was accepted into Yale University and Trinity College in Hartford. Her college career, though, was soon derailed by her mental illness.

Kendall Kornter died of undisclosed causes in 2010.

Mary Kotner lost her case in 2009, when a state jury found in favor of Martise in 2009, concluding there was a sadomasochistic relationship but no proof that Kortner's daughter couldn't consent.

'This was a shocker to everybody who was watching it,' Kortner said. 'All the allegations were true. He was guilty.'

In 1994, a probate court had ruled her incapable of managing her own affairs during a period when she refused to eat and appointed her mother as her conservator.

Martise, 49, was never criminally charged. His lawyer, Philip Russell, said the relationship involved two consenting adults and there is no merit to any of Kortner's claims.

'It's like "Seinfeld." It's the case about nothing,' Russell said.

Russell accused Kortner of being upset at Martise, a married father of two, over his relationship with her daughter and trying to publicly embarrass him after losing the lawsuit and failing to persuade police to arrest Martise.

'This case is everything that's bad about the legal system,' Russell said.

Russell also said Kendall Kortner was a habitual liar who had made several unsubstantiated sexual assault claims against other men. Russell said she once appeared at a deposition in a wheelchair and neck brace, but surveillance video shows her later the same day walking happily around her neighborhood without the neck brace.

Kortner met Martise on the Internet and their physical relationship spanned several months in 2003, court documents say.

Mary Kortner alleges her daughter protested and objected to Martise's actions, but he continued the mistreatment. She said her daughter suffered physical injuries from the alleged abuse, and Mary Kortner once asked for a $500,000 judgment against Martise in the lawsuit.

Russell and other lawyers said they couldn't recall any legal precedents in the country on whether mentally ill people can consent to sex or sadomasochism. Russell said mentally ill or disabled people have the right to sexual activity under established legal principles.

But there are worries in the BDSM community about facing criminal charges because common law says people can't consent to abuse, said Valerie White, executive director of the Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund in Sharon, Massachusetts.

'You have to be very, very careful,' she said.

In 2000, police in Attleboro, Massachusetts, arrested two people on assault and other charges during a raid of a sadomasochistic sex party and seized paddles, whips, chains and other paraphernalia. But a judge later threw out the evidence and dismissed most of the charges because police didn't have the right to enter the premises.

In 2010, the U.S. Supreme Court reinstated sex-trafficking and forced labor convictions against a New York man dubbed the 'S&M Svengali.' But the court's ruling addressed technicalities and not the practice of S&M. The man, Glenn Marcus, was sentenced to nine years in prison for abusing a woman he photographed for his website dedicated to sadomasochism.

Breath Control Play

For those of you interested in, or are just curious about, BREATH PLAY within BDSM, I have found this very detailed Blog entry which you might find useful. 

Below is the link:

www.withinreality.com

BREATH CONTROL PLAY

Crossdressing. A modern guide.

I have quite a few friends and clients who ask for help when it comes to choosing, selecting, sizing and fashion of women's clothing.
I know women will turn around and say: 'Oh, that's easy!' But when you are starting your adventures in women's clothes, IT is not easy.

One of the main issues I found was my clients needing help with underwear. So, I have created a booklet EXPLAINING EVERYTHING you need to know about UNDERWEAR...