READERS

6 Mar 2018

Humiliation? Degradation? Or embarrassment?


An experienced Dominant once defined the difference in this way:  Embarrassment is something you do to yourself.   Humiliation is something that someone else does to you.   I’m still thinking about that one, but it’s an interesting way to compare the two.

Verbal Humiliation attacks a person’s humanity; that trait that we call pride.   Whether done in a hurtful manner or in a consensual format, it pokes fun at our dignity.   Telling a humiliating story about something a person has done or using words to cause a person embarrassment about something demonstrates that the Dominant has the power to make the submissive tolerate the situation.   The Dominant usually enjoys the display of power and the submissive enjoys the relinquishment of that power.

Physical Humiliation is about the same power exchange, but in a more obvious way.   A Dominant might demonstrate his power over her by making her wear something that she is not comfortable wearing, forcing her to display her body in a way that she is uncomfortable with, or do something that illustrates his ability to control her.   When giving a submissive an order to do something humiliating, be patient.   There is a period of time that is required for this to sink in.   She will likely take a few seconds to believe that you actually said what she thought you said, a few more seconds to convince herself that she must obey this order, and more time to summon up the courage to actually act on it.   

Many Dominants make the mistake of taking this inaction to mean that they have gone too far, and will often retract or soften the order in some way.   This robs the submissive of the opportunity to demonstrate her submission.   Be patient!   In the negotiation process, discuss how much resistance she is likely to have to acceptable humiliation and how to handle that resistance.   Make sure there is a safeword or safe statement that she can make to indicate that this is beyond her ability at the present time.

It is not necessary that anyone else actually witness the humiliation.   Sometimes, simply performing in front of the Dominant is humiliating enough.   Another option is to have the submissive perform a humiliating feat in private, while threatening to repeat it at some future point in public.   Just be careful not to threaten too often without actually following through on the threat.   Your credibility must be maintained.   Her anticipation of this future event will probably be as powerful as the actual event.   Good examples of public humiliation in the vanilla world might be having the submissive wear some clip, clamp, plug or bondage under her clothing while having dinner.   Although completely unseen, the presence of observers will probably cause fantasies of discovery.   A common ploy is to tell a submissive to leave the restaurant table, go to the ladies room and remove her panties.   

11 Nov 2017

BDSM Is Not an Answer, So Embrace the Uncertainty





"In art, one must throw one’s life away in order to gain it."


I think there are many different motivations for seeking out BDSM play or a BDSM relationship dynamic:

• a drive to satisfy kinks or fetishes
• novelty
• escape from societal constraints
• sense of purpose
• a sense of completion from someone with complementary traits and I’m sure there are many other reasons.

I’m personally not self-aware enough to know what drives me to seek out M/s, SM and the variety of kinks I explore. It would be nice to understand it, but it is probably a complex mix of all of the above.

What I am aware enough to do is accept the attraction and harness it for personal growth.

EMBRACING FEAR AND UNCERTAINTY

American Tibetan Buddhist nun and teacher Pema Chödrön writes in When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times: (https://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Anniversary/dp/1611803438/)

"Fear is a universal experience. Even the smallest insect feels it. We wade in the tidal pools and put our finger near the soft, open bodies of sea anemones and they close up. Everything spontaneously does that. It’s not a terrible thing that we feel fear when faced with the unknown. It is part of being alive, something we all share. We react against the possibility of loneliness, of death, of not having anything to hold on to. Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth."

Is it Topping from the Bottom?


No-one is going to deny that Tops need feedback in a scene. This commonly includes the bottom communicating needs, discomfort and safety concerns. or communicating and processing their feelings in aftercare.

At the same time, a basic working definition of topping from the bottom might be: “an attempt by the bottom to steer play or the power exchange in a direction they want”.

The distinction might be clear to you, and I do think that each of us can make that distinction in our own encounters, but laying down firm boundaries between the two is difficult, and communicating to our partner where that boundary is is even more difficult.

In a scene, if a bottom were to say “I think that would feel more intense in bent over position than upright” is that feedback? In many people’s dynamic it is. Or is it an attempt to top? In many people’s dynamic it is.

IS THERE A CONSENSUAL AGREEMENT?

Drawing a boundary between feedback and topping from the bottom rests on an assumption that there is a mutual understanding of what communication we, personally, consider good or bad. Effectively, we are saying that topping from the bottom is communication that violates that agreement.

14 Oct 2017

Is it Topping from the Bottom?

Is it Topping from the Bottom?

No-one is going to deny that Tops need feedback in a scene. This commonly includes the bottom communicating needs, discomfort and safety concerns. or communicating and processing their feelings in aftercare. At the same time, a basic working definition of topping from the bottom might be: "an attempt by the bottom to steer play or the power exchange in a direction they want".

Is it Topping from the Bottom?

2 Oct 2017

BDSM: Mental Health and the Issue of Consent

Consent is the important red line that exists between BDSM and abuse, and it is important that we see that such a line matters. It’s the basis for negotiating the distance and intimacies we allow when we let others approach our body, and our mind.

YOU OWN YOUR LINES OF CONSENT

There is a misconception that there is only one red line of consent, a kind of universal experience, but in the real world each individual will have their own red lines and ways of negotiating these. Some people see being hugged as a breach of consent, others hug strangers without giving it a second thought.

When you interact with others, you need to see your own red lines as well as your partner’s. You need to monitor both those lines and keep adjusting your actions accordingly, and that monitoring is continuous. What might be off limits at one time is not necessarily off limits at another time, what is no-go with one person might be OK with another, and any mind-altering substance (such as alcohol or drugs) can give a dangerous false sense of where the lines are and need to be carefully accounted for.

MENTAL HEALTH AND CONSENT

The interplay between mental health issues and consent affects who is responsible and how to form better negotiations.

Practice makes perfect

Resulting form the lack of effectiveness in work while wearing shackles, I did promise Mistress to practice more at home when I have time an...