Male Submission – Fantasy vs Reality
By ted_subby on March 26, 2013
In part 1 of my series of articles on male submission I
wrote about one archetype of male submission “The Worm.” For clarification, a large majority of male
submissives do not fit that mindset as there are plenty of other dynamics.
However, one topic which is common to many male submissives is that the fantasy
of desires and the reality of those desires are often quite different. Of
course, fantasy vs reality is not unique to male submission or to BDSM. Most
everyone has as-yet-unfulfilled hopes or desires of some sort and the reality
of those desires is often different from the ideal of what we believe that we
want. For male submissives with BDSM desires, this issue seems to be common.
Many dominant women on FetLife comment about submissive men
who contact them but have difficulty ultimately making a meaningful connection.
From what they indicate, this is due to many issues including men who don’t
actually want to meet at all, men who are rude, and so on. One common issue is
the difference between the fantasy and the reality of the male submissive’s
desires. This issue has nothing to do with rudeness, being a fake, or even lack
of communication, it is often a legitimate difficulty for subs, trying to
understand what may be best left in the realm of fantasy.
Fantasizing for Many Years
Many male submissives have had fantasies for a long time
before ever thinking about fulfilling those desires. Often these fantasies are
not initiated by exposure to BDSM through books, the the internet, or a
partner, the fantasies may have originated from relatively innocent childhood
experiences or observations. Consequently, many male submissives have many
years of developing very strong and often detailed fantasies. These fantasies
are often not a vague feeling of wanting to submit or to be dominated, the
fantasies are often very detailed and can become quite extreme. After all, for
many years they are only fantasies and there is no risk of anything actually
occurring, so it is safe to fantasize about extreme situations.
And then at some point he may decide to reach for his dreams
in trying to find someone to share with in making his fantasy a reality. And
that is where it gets tricky. Yes it’s difficult for most everyone to find a
compatible partner but in the case of a submissive with very strong and
sometimes extreme fantasies, there is often recognition that it may be even
more difficult to find someone compatible. This can lead to one of a few
different reactions. A sub man may focus on his desires to the exclusion of the
desires of a potential partner. A sub man may go in the other direction and
state “I will do anything for you, Mistress! No limits!” Or a sub man may take
a middle ground. From what I read, dominant women encounter both of the
extremes much more than we might think, considering how unreasonable those
extremes seem to be.
What is wrong with focusing on your desires? Nothing, but if
you do not also focus on the desires of a potential partner, then you may not
be able to find a partner at all without seeing a Pro Domme. It is very
reasonable to be specific in what you want and it is typically considered as a
positive to provide that sort of open communication over the course of a
relationship. However, accosting a dominant woman with your desires before even
establishing a dialog, and just focusing on your own desires, are not typically
desirable or productive approaches. In addition, if you are not flexible in how
you would interact with a partner, then that would likely add difficulty to the
ability to find a partner. On the other hand, what is wrong with telling a dominant
that you will do anything with no limits? It likely isn’t true that you have no
limits whatsoever with someone you have never met before, or if it is true then
that would be scary for most any dominant as it is not a safe or sane approach.
If someone does take you up on your offer for no limits, beware!
Regardless of the communication approach, a submissive man
who has rather extreme and well-developed fantasies may not understand how much
of it he may actually desire or even be able to tolerate. Taking the “worm”
archetype as an example, one sub man may believe that he would absolutely love
to be literally stepped on by everyone at a BDSM party but if that were to
actually occur he may find that he is in over his head, literally!
Fear
And that’s where fear can become a big factor. A sub man may
have what he considers extreme fantasies and become fearful if and when there
comes a time to potentially experience any of those fantasies. He may
communicate his desires in an effective way with a potential partner and
successfully negotiate a meeting, but chicken out at the last minute as
realization sets in that he may actually experience what he has been
fantasizing about for many years. Add that to the very common general fear of
rejection, which can be more acute when one is rejected regarding something
they have dreamed about for many years.
BDSM with someone new can be scary! Relationships can be
scary. And factor in what a sub may consider to be extreme, whatever that is,
and the combination of different fears can make a sub freeze up. I have
encountered male subs who have backed out of a meeting due to these sorts of
fears and I have read comments from dominant women who have experienced last
minute cancelations from sub men. Hopefully when this occurs there is contact
with the one they were supposed to meet to communicate the issue instead of
simply no-showing, but even with communication it is extremely disappointing
for a dominant to spend all of the time and effort in getting to know a sub man
only to have him get cold feet and cancel a meeting. There is no catch-all
solution to fear, of course, but hopefully a slow approach without quickly
diving into the deep end of the pool, and getting to know the person as much as
reasonably possible before approaching a fearful event such as an in-person
meeting, would help alleviate the sudden intensity of fear which may arise at
the last moment.
This is the same sort of fear many of us have when attending
our first munch. What if I make a fool out of myself? What if the whole thing
is a huge disappointment? There are some who do not feel much of this sort of
fear and it greatly depends upon the individual. Many of us do not know how we
will react but it seems reasonable to expect at least some fear to arise in
these new situations, and to prepare ourselves emotionally for that likelihood
so that we may examine the source of the fear and try to cope with it.
Will I enjoy it at all?
In addition to the reality being potentially more
frightening than a long-standing fantasy, there are many who fantasize about
situations they would not want in reality. Continuing with the “worm” example,
maybe a guy fantasizes about being humiliated by people he barely knows but he
has a realization that this would not actually be enjoyable at all, or maybe
the thought about being trampled unmercifully is exciting but he knows in
reality that he would not enjoy it. It is very helpful to have this realization
to be able to avoid miscommunication with potential partners, but it is
understandable and common for subs to just not know for certain what they would
actually enjoy.
Often we don’t know which of our fantasies we would enjoy
for certain. It makes sense in that case to communicate this with a potential
partner and, if possible, experiment with mild experiences. For example, if
someone has fantasized for a long time about being tied down and spanked
unmercifully but has never experienced any BDSM, they may be helped by
initially trying a mild spanking even if that risks seeming like a potential
disappointment for not allowing something more severe. Communication ahead of
time should alleviate disappointment and also help build trust. Starting slowly
is smart and should not be a disappointment to anyone.
Another type of fear is experienced by a man in a committed
relationship with someone who is not into BDSM. Often a man will keep his BDSM
fantasies and desires secret from his significant other for years before
finally opening up, or sometimes he never opens up and either just bottles up
his feelings or secretly seeks elsewhere for satisfaction, which is a situation
which can cause significant pain for everyone involved. It is scary for many
men to reveal their BDSM desires for fear of being rejected by their partner.
It may seem strange to think of a man in a loving and committed relationship
not feeling the trust that his partner would accept him for who he is, but this
is a very common issue without a one-size-fits-all answer.
Reality in a Relationship
The issue of fantasy vs reality also sometimes comes up
during a relationship. After a submissive man reveals his BDSM desires to a
significant other, the reality often does not match what he would expect. I
will use my own situation as an example. For over a decade before I ever
experienced any BDSM, I frequently fantasized about being whipped. Once I met
my wife over 15 years ago and we began to communicate our deepest desires, she
was interested in whipping me so we tried it out. However, the reality was not
particularly fun for me and I learned that whipping can cause me pain. It hurt!
I was able to bear the pain but it wasn’t that much fun so
we stopped our occasional brief whipping sessions. That was quite disappointing
for me at the time because I had fantasized about something but couldn’t really
tolerate much of it or enjoy it. Our relationship was great even back then but
I figured that whipping or any pain play would need to just stay in fantasy,
lesson learned. As it turns out, it took me a long time to realize that what I
enjoyed in fantasy about being whipped was not the pain, it was the emotional
feeling of being tortured or victimized by a sadist so that once BDSM
re-entered our lives over a year ago and the approach my Princess takes is
different, whipping is great. Yes it still hurts a lot and I do not like the
pain itself, but I love the emotions and the overall experience of being
whipped in addition to how I believe it helps our overall D/s dynamic, plus my
Princess enjoys the freedom she has to let loose her “inner devil”. It happens
sometimes that a fantasy is fulfilled only to find that it is not enjoyable, or
at least not initially.
I have read comments from others that reality almost never
lives up to the fantasy, as if fantasy is almost always better. However,
speaking as one who fantasizes about BDSM almost every day of my adult life I
can say that reality can very well be better, because strong physical feelings
are involved and that typically greatly amplifies the experience. From before I
met my wife and experienced a whipping, or even afterwards, the fantasy of
being whipped can be enjoyable and, depending upon how well the mind can go
into the realm of fantasy, fantasies can be emotionally rewarding. But the
actual reality blows those fantasy feelings out of the water as the intensity
of reality is much greater. And for me, luckily, the reality is much more
enjoyable.
As a summary:
- Many submissive men have fantasies which have been developed over many years, sometimes leading to a focus on extreme and/or specific situations despite not having experienced anything
- This may lead to misunderstandings with potential partners between fantasies and actual desires as the sub man may not even be able to recognize the difference at first
- This may also lead to last minute fears of experiencing extreme situations or fears of disappointment and rejection
- To help alleviate the stress of fear, take things slowly with a potential partner and become comfortable communicating before you get to a potential point of fear
- Many people fantasize about things they would not enjoy
- Reality will likely be different from fantasy in many ways, it may be more or less enjoyable but expect that reality will typically be more intense of an experience
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