Aging and Your BDSM Relationship: Growing Old and Enjoying Your Kinks

How to Enjoy Your BDSM Relationship, for Life

In a way, Ageing BDSM relationships are no different at all from any human relationships. In fact, the mere fact that your BDSM relationship IS ageing is such a positive thing! It means your are ageing with a chosen lover. The thing that IS different is that in BDSM Relationships, our sexual play often includes implements which can, if incorrectly or badly used, injure one or both parties. As we age along with our partners in a BDSM Relationship, each of us may have to deal with a disability, or, as I prefer to call them, different abilities. That rock music you loved to crank up high enough to vibrate windows may damage hearing. Eyesight may diminish, or cease. Strokes, medications and a myriad of other common conditions of ageing can pop into your relationship. So, what are some things you can do in your BDSM relationship to minimise their effect? Diminishing physical status in an ageing BDSM Relationship can be handled to enhance your long term BDSM Relationship. How can you stay happily kinky as you age?

- Hearing Loss-

When your partner is tied to a St. Andrews cross, facing away from you, waiting expectantly for the caress of the flogger is NOT the time to pretend you can hear just fine, and possibly miss her cues and signals that all is not well. Communicate! Talk with her before the scene begins, to set up hand signals or other methods of letting you know that she wants to end the session, or that she needs to run to the Little Submissive's Room. For some people, a crowded and noisy club, where quite often loud music and other kinky players make for difficult conversation anyway, is the perfect place to practise non-verbal communication. One trick that works for me is that I hold a small cat toy in my hand. If I wish to stop the scene for any reason, or just to get my Top's attention to ask for something different, I simply toss the brightly -coloured, lightweight ball over my shoulder - at his head! Not really, that would be a bit much, but dropping the brightly coloured ball does the trick.

- Eyesight Issues-

Ageing lovers often experience diminished eyesight, and this could be a significant challenge during a BDSM play scene, but there are many possible aids to consider using, although, again, communication is key. You probably would rather not have a Dominant flicking a single tail whip at your very tender and naked back, if he can't see his nose in front of his face, but there are other play techniques that can be just as exciting, and much safer! A suggestion is to set up the scene very carefully and to do only BDSM play that is more body-to-body contact, such as over the knee (OTK) spanking with his hand or an implement such as a paddle with a short, manageable handle. This precludes the danger of a whip or other implement striking an area that could cause the bottom (receiver) injury or damage. Ageing in a BDSM Relationship can help you be creative about working out the 'kinks' - be creative with your partner.

- Joint Pain, Muscles and Flexibility Issues-

Ok, so everyone knows that submissives spend their entire life on their knees, right? I mean, heck, all the books say that! Well, those are fiction! Yep, fiction. All submissives don't spend their lives chained to the foot of the bed naked either, but let's try not to wreck the fantasy, ok? The truth is, many of us are happily ageing in our BDSM relationships, with our ageing partners, and as happily ageing women (or men, I don't want to leave the male submissives out in the cold!) we have aches and pains, and, most of us can't bend in those low scraping bows, with even a modicum of grace anymore. Oh, well. We adapt. Strategically placed pillows are wonderful for achy knees. Changing position often helps keep muscles from freezing into painful, uncomfortable, rock-hard blobs. One of the most wonderful things about being with a partner for a long time, and knowing each other, is communication skills are often developed along the way. Tell your partner, "Uh, this is so not working for me!" and work together to find what DOES work. Instead of a St. Andrew's cross, position yourself across a nice, plush, upholstered chair. Rather than cleaning the bathroom floor on your hands and knees with his toothbrush (oops, did I say that?), use a long handled mop! That is why mops were invented!

- Menopause-

Thank heaven for lubricants. Not all women will need additional lubricants after menopause, and you can do some easy things to alleviate vaginal dryness even without lubricants. Stay well hydrated. Take your time arousing and exciting your ageing and oh, so sexy BDSM partner. Take MORE than your time, take the time to make her feel loved and appreciated, sexy and sultry. And, for heaven's sake, there is no shame in needing bottled lubricant. You can even make lube application erotic, if you relax and enjoy each other!

-Erectile Dysfunction-

Medications are one cause of erectile dysfunction, but normally ageing bodies change response as well. Again, taking the time to arouse and excite your male partner is great, and sometimes, it isn't enough. But it IS enough. Men can feel aroused and excited and sexually stimulated without an erection. And, isn't that why there are adult toy stores? You can buy a flesh tone vibrator or dildo (whatever the heck flesh tone is, I mean really, WHO'S flesh is really that awful colour?) for a few bucks at just about any adult store. Make it fun. Men are not their penis. They have hearts and minds (and fingers, tongues, toes, elbows, etc.) Your ageing partner can use their intimate and long term knowledge to please you and tease you in delicious ways well into the autumn of your BDSM Relationship.

Medical conditions and disabilities can certainly interfere in your preferred BDSM relationship style, and often simply ageing creates its very own challenges in a BDSM relationship. I believe that the best way to deal with changes is to face them head on, together. Being able to adapt is a great source of comfort for everyone, and can actually lead you into whole new worlds of fun and adventure. BDSM Relationships and Ageing don't have to be incompatible. Everybody ages, just be sure you choose to live until you die, and celebrate your ageing BDSM relationship, for life.

When Robert Browning wrote, "Grow old with me, the best is yet to be", he knew what he was talking about!

COURTESY OF: Caged Heart

Is the BDSM Lifestyle a Healing Experience for Submissives or Dominants Recovering from Trauma?

One of the most pervasive questions asked by those wanting to join the BDSM lifestyle and some of the people already in the lifestyle for a limited time, is whether BDSM actually is beneficial when it comes to healing emotional and psychological trauma. People want to know whether this will help them to overcome a rape or childhood abuse. I believe that it can and does help in conjunction with therapy. I would not stop seeing the therapist and I definitely would not stop taking medication if I had been taking it.
This leads to another question of course. Are there more people in the lifestyle with abuse in their pasts than elsewhere? Statistics indicate that the incidence of this in the lifestyle is no higher than in any other community. Yes, I know many who have been abused, but I also know a big group of people who seem to have had a lovely childhood and still have parents who support them in everything they do.

Keeping this in mind, let us take the case of a 20-year-old submissive that was raped when she was 18 by a group of men. She went through the disturbing process of reporting it and the police have never been able to find the culprits. She is afraid most of the time, cowers when she is surrounded by men and feels the need to have sex with as many men as she can to prove that it will not hurt her. She also subconsciously is trying to prove that she deserved to be raped by being such a whore. She eats a lot in order to make herself look less attractive. Men don't rape fatter women, do they? She has no self-confidence and she cries a lot.

She meets a dominant man in her travels around the town and he does not take her sexually. He takes her close to it, but keeps her in suspense. He does not allow her to move on either as his power and kindness keeps her attracted to him. He throws out all the frumpy cover-ups she has taken to buying and promptly puts her on a diet. He compensates for this by allowing her to bring all her thoughts and emotions to him even when they are to scream and shout rage at him, even though he only represents the men that have done this to her by virtue of being male. He takes her to the therapist and sits outside, waiting for her until she is done every week and makes sure that she takes her medication, on pain of punishment should she not.

They talk about recreating the scene and reclaiming it for her with the therapist. The therapist helps here by giving his or her opinion on what aspects they should be careful of in this fantasy. All of this is taken into account in the planning. The submissive is now 20 pounds lighter and wears attractive clothing. Her self-confidence is soaring because she is treated like a cherished woman even though she still struggles to be open when they are sexual. Little by little her dominant coaxes her out of her shell of fear and gets her to initiate an intimate love making session at last. Sex has now become different again. There is no drive to prove something and she does not feel like an object that should only be used anymore.

All of this could have been accomplished in a vanilla relationship too of course, but the next step is where most vanilla men would never go. The dominant actually organizes for a group of his friends to use his submissive for their pleasure sexually. He does not do this until his control is clearly established and he has made sure that she is emotionally ready. He does not do so before he is reasonably convinced that she will be able to get through this and find it to be erotic instead of threatening. It happens and she flies through it. Her enjoyment increases as the scene unfolds and she revels in the power she has in this scene as opposed to feeling helpless in the rape. In the rape she was forced. During this scene she gives her consent and she finds that she can be whole even when her nightmare scenario plays itself out. She might have some bad moments, but the scene is either slowed down or stopped if this should happen, so she feels much safer.

A new experience is established with the same scenario being played out. She no longer feels threatened and cheap, but loved and appreciated. Healing comes about in this scenario. This is also only an example on how something can be reclaimed. Many other things come to mind such as verbal abuse, physical abuse, sexual harassment etc.

This article basically claims that traumatic events can be reclaimed and healing brought about by participating in BDSM. I do not feel like serious mental disorders could be treated in this lifestyle. I do not see this as the perfect solution for someone who is bipolar or severely depressed. Therapy is the answer there. When any situation is being reclaimed though, both parties must make sure that it is done responsibly, safely and sanely.

COURTESY OF Bea Amor

The politician helping Britain out of the gay dark ages

The politician helping Britain out of the gay 'dark ages'

We speak to Kate Green, Britain’s Shadow Equalities Minister about gay marriage, trans rights and what’s next in the LGBT struggle

BY TRIS REID-SMITH

 ‘Disgusting, distasteful, cruel and wrong.’ That’s how British Member of Parliament (MP) and Shadow Equalities Minister Kate Green describes some of the debate in parliament over gay marriage.

But Green and the many pro-equality politicians are winning. And she is already thinking about what they should be focusing on as the next step for LGBT equality.

We caught up with her after the Marriage (Same Sex Couples) Bill for England and Wales had cleared the elected House of Commons and just passed an initial vote in Britain’s upper chamber of parliament, the House of Lords. But everything is still to fight for until the final vote in the Lords, likely to be on 15 July.

As the opposition Labour party’s lead on equality, Green has been at the forefront of the debate. Meanwhile, she has also been involved in bringing transgender issues to the center of British politics for the first time.

Green knows marriage is not the final hurdle in the LGBT struggle – bullying in schools, a glass ceiling at work and cuts to gay and trans services are all on her mind. But the fact the marriage bill is now almost certain to pass is giving pro-gay politicians hope and confidence.

We started by talking about the bill and how it will change Britain.

Were you surprised by the result in the House of Lords?

I was surprised by the size of the majority. We have to be a little cautious as peers don’t traditionally want to vote down a bill at second reading. They are revising chamber and want the debate in full so they can revise it. Nonetheless it was a much bigger majority than I thought we would see – it was two to one nearly.

We have always been confident there is a majority in the House of Lords for the legislation and nothing we have seen this week has shaken that confidence. My impression was some of the speeches were really the last howls of protest of a dying breed.

Even in the House of Commons we saw some of the arguments about polygamy…

Well they are just disgusting, distasteful, and cruel and wrong and ill-informed and nasty.

I thought there were also some very beautiful speeches in the House of Commons, particularly from some Conservative MPs because it has been harder – or perceived to be harder – in that party to come out. And they were talking about how this enabled them to be completely open and relaxed about their sexuality and talk about it publicly.

This is why you have to pass this legislation. For how long have we prevented people from being themselves? How cruel is that?

I said in my second reading speech, you are a teenager and you are trying to make sense of who you are and your own sexuality, not to endorse a particular form of sexual orientation by not allowing people to marry tells young people ‘there’s something a bit wrong with you, you are a bit screwed up’. That’s outrageous – what are we doing to young people? All we do then is store up unhappiness for years to come.

Politicians lead and respond to public opinion. Do you think politicians’ views on trans issues and gay issues may have given the wrong message to society?

For gay and lesbian issues undoubtedly, even we heard again in the House of Lords some really quite bizarre and offensive and hurtful things [in the debate over gay marriage].

It seems to me for gay and lesbian people this is the last hurrah of the old guard. They are so plainly now out of step with where the country is and the polling that Stonewall [leading British gay campaign organization] did was pretty clear on all that.

Political leaders still feel it is acceptable to use this language that is obviously utterly wrong but for lesbian and gay issues it is becoming more and more something society will not tolerate.

For transgender issues, I don’t think we are there yet. You don’t see many politicians speaking about it at all, and I think it is considered much more socially acceptable to use language that is inappropriate and actually very offensive and hurtful. Some of the implications transgender people are not safe to be around children – what possible evidence have they got for that kind of assertion? Most politicians are still keeping their head down on the issue.

Do you expect the bill to lead to a kind of wider benefit?

I do. I think it will be part of the process of absolutely mainstreaming attitudes to same-sex couples.

Politicians are now thinking what are the next frontiers for LGBT issues? Media portrayal is a huge one. I think health – mental and physical health. We know there are much higher levels of depression, higher levels of suicide among some lesbian and gay people.

Mental health is significantly impacted if people can’t acknowledge their sexuality or suffer bullying or mistreatment as a result of it. So there is a clear new policy frontier to be following there.

There is a lot of work to be done in schools. Stonewall are doing a great project as are Schools Out [LGBT groups working in schools] around getting schools to take on homophobic bullying, to think of the way sex and relationships education can create acceptance and understanding of same-sex relationships. But the fact is this government will not make sex and relationships education a compulsory part of the curriculum so it is up to us in the Labour Party to push that.

The other thing I am very worried about is public spending cuts, particularly in local authorities, which will impact on specialist support services for the LGBT community – so advice services, specialist mental health services, advocacy, even just the community and social activities which have enjoyed a degree of public funding.

Gay marriage has helped make the Conservative government appear more gay friendly. Are you worried that will cost Labour some traditional LGBT votes?

I think people will probably notice Labour is still very much the party setting the agenda on this. The government wouldn’t have got this legislation through if it hadn’t been for Labour votes.

Most people’s view is by the time of the election this legislation is not going to be an election issue. That’s a good thing. It may have been an electoral advantage for us if there had been an election this year, but it is probably more important it is not an issue at all.

At the moment some transgender people are still concerned about the equal marriage bill because it says the wife or husband of a transgender person can stop them getting a gender recognition certificate so they can veto their marriage going from being a ‘straight’ to a ‘gay’ one.

It is important to have the debate about this because you are balancing the sensitivities of two members of the couple.

On the one hand you have the person who wishes to undergo gender reassignment feeling it is a very personal decision for them. At the moment the other spouse can take the decision, under the legislation as it is currently drafted, for the marriage to continue uninterrupted.

But on the other hand you have to recognize there will be some partners who will feel I am absolutely not able to contemplate being married to someone of the same sex and although I can take action to end that marriage I don’t see why I should be put in that position.

And the legislation says a person who has already transitioned still has to declare their original birth-certificate gender to their future spouse. But if they had a criminal conviction or were a rapist they wouldn’t have to declare it.

Or even a history of child abuse…

So what does a partner have a right to know before marrying someone?

You are talking about a relationship which really has to be based on trust and openness but I guess in many marriages people keep secrets. To what degree the state has a role in that is quite a hard question.

I know it seems unimaginably unlikely that people wouldn’t disclose but there may be cases where it is long in someone’s past. It is a really interesting question and it exemplifies a wider issue.

We have seen the death of trans teacher Lucy Meadows who was harassed by the press and the publishing of the Leveson Report into standards in the British media which criticized reporting on trans issues. Your party wants to implement Leveson’s recommendations in full to help trans people...

Yes, and there are many other advantages to Leveson being implemented in full as well.

But how much faith do you have that the post Leveson world is going to be better?

That’s a very hard question. I think certain sections of the media, certain publications, were cavalier, callous, cruel, irresponsible and unthinking.

It was very interesting reading some of the transcripts of the evidence given to Leveson and seeing them almost being brought up short by some of the questioning and saying things like ‘that wasn’t our finest hour’.

It was as if it was the first time some elements of the media had been confronted with what they were doing – and that human beings were involved and they were damaging and destroying their lives.

Whether that has resulted in any immediate change of behavior, I think there is not much sign it has, there have still been some pretty egregious examples. On the other hand it seems to me that it is important we use Leveson and the terrible death of Lucy Meadows and the climate of discussion to keep banging this message home.

In the end the media are not just leaders of public opinion, they are massively, massively responsive to it. I have been quite struck by how much the debate has moved in the last seven months and I think it is hugely down to the courage of some transgender people speaking out now and saying ‘this is how we are being treated’.

There have been several big meetings in parliament over the last few months about trans issues. Do you think this is a flash in the pan or the start of something interesting?

No I think it is the start of something interesting. Because the campaigners, the advocates, on trans issues are organizing. They are operating in a sustained, determined, systematic way and as a result they have now got some momentum going.

And I have done some events in the last few weeks. One was organized by Trans Media Watch when they invited MPs to come along and sign up to their pledge on the portrayal of transgender people in the media. And MPs did come, by parliament standards it was a high turn out – and across party and I think there were peers there.

That campaign is beginning now to get political purchase and they will sustain it, I think they are very determined to. Once politicians work out there are 60 people on their doorstep talking about something, they start to poke their noses in, so bringing the debate right into parliament has been very good.

And the [equal marriage] bill has been helpful, because there has been a reason to talk about it in terms of what does it mean in terms of how public policy impacts on people’s lives.

Actually Britain’s legislation is already ahead of a lot of Europe on transgender issues...

I had a woman politician from Poland come to see me – the only trans MP and she was describing with relation to both same-sex relationships and transgender issues just how much more difficult it is for her to get these issues taken seriously. She is a lone voice as far as I can tell in the Polish legislature. There is much more of a block in the policy system on taking them forward.

In some countries, and Poland is one, the Catholic Church has a very strong hold on public opinion and is deeply opposed. You have got some countries that are much more socially conservative and it is much more difficult to even talk about these issues, let along make progress on them.

So what role can politicians play in influencing the debate beyond making legislation?

You are right they are the sharp edge of public opinion. If you look at where public opinion has moved, particularly on lesbian and gay relationships, civil partnerships, over a period of only 10 years it is politicians who have led the way.

I know from the correspondence I get and the stuff I see on Twitter, I get a lot of response, including from constituents, saying ‘we are glad you are talking about it, it has enabled us to talk about it’. Politicians as public figures can mainstream the discussion and that is very important.

And for politicians who are fearful, who think they are going to lose votes, this is not a vote-loser. In five, 10 years from now, certainly 25, 30 years from now, people will look at the fact we did not let people of the same-sex marry and think ‘what on earth was that about?’ People will look at this aghast – it will be the dark ages.

In the debate there was a lot of reference to straight people having families and little recognition that LGBT people also had children. Should we promote gay families more?

What an interesting and good idea. There is absolutely no evidence to suggest children fare worse in families where they have two parents of the same sex. They will often be very wanted children. We want to make sure we celebrate those successful families.

It is really important for the children we celebrate and promote really positive stories about same-sex parents because those children otherwise are going to be stigmatized.

We should be building the acceptability of those families in the public’s mind and I think we can do that really well. We can have really positive stories.

And can we be tougher on schools failing to tackle anti-LGBT bullying?

One of the difficulties we are having is a lot of schools are becoming academies and free schools and it is becoming a lot harder to have a grip on the policies they adopt.

But we want to use the inspections regime, use local authority intervention where they are maintained schools, really to be very clear about the standards we expect.

It is about teacher training, it is about leadership, it is about the whole ethos of the school, it’s about respect for children. I would like to see a child rights-and-respect model becoming the norm for schools

In workplace diversity, the big hurdle for women and gay people and other minorities is getting to the top of organizations. Will we ever break through this glass ceiling?

It is not just the top. A lot of the block in companies is middle managers who are sometimes quite prejudiced in some of their assumptions and attitudes. People think ‘I wouldn’t like to be managed by a woman or by a gay person’. Well tough.

I think we need to do pay audits and they are a proxy for getting people in to senior positions. We regret the government hasn’t decided to go ahead with that.

But public procurement is a big tool for driving corporate behavior and we should make much more use of it.

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