Seven Deadly (to Men) Sins

You’d think in Biblical times it was a very male orientated world where us men were the masters of all we surveyed and the poor ladies were but chattels for our use and abuse. How wrong you are. The 7 sins here will amply demonstrate to even the most diehard feminist that life in the good old days was no fun for us men at all.

  

1. Eating cheeseburgers is a sin!

Surely cheeseburgers weren’t around in the days of the Old Testament? But here it is, written in black and white: Exodus 23:19, “The first of the fruits of thy land thou shalt bring into the house of the LORD thy God. Thou shalt not seethe a kid in his mother's milk.”

So no putting cheese on top of, inside of or even underneath, the meat you sinner.

2. Hot dogs are out too!

Leviticus 11:8, on the subject of pigs, "You shall not eat of their flesh nor touch their carcasses; they are unclean to you."

What? No Walls bangers? The banning of the British sausage (or any other country’s porcine produce) is a sin in itself. I’m a self-confessed sossie lover in case you hadn’t guessed.

 3. An all-time top-ten male fantasy is verboten!

Come on guys, we’ve all seen a mother and her daughter and thought to ourselves, “Mmmmm…. Nice…  The two together… if only…” 

Don’t. It’s a terrible sin as told to us in Leviticus 11:8, “Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of a woman and her daughter, neither shalt thou take her son's daughter, or her daughter's daughter, to uncover her nakedness; for they are her near kinswomen: it is wickedness.”

4. Leave the slaves alone!

Oh dear, another male fantasy bites the Biblical dust; yes my friends, no hanky-panky with a female slave. Our old friend Leviticus forbids it. 19:20, “If a man sleeps with a female slave who is promised to another man but who has not been ransomed or given her freedom, there must be due punishment. Yet they are not to be put to death, because she had not been freed.”

Darn it, my imaginary sex life feels very deflated right now. Think I’ll go get a haircut  to cheer me up. But wait…

5. Neat beards and pudding-bowl hairstyles are not allowed!

Surely you can’t be serious – and don’t call me Shirley. Tis true I’m afraid. You can guess who made this one up can’t you? Leviticus 19:27, "You shall not round off the side-growth of your heads nor harm the edges of your beard."

Ah, hirsuteness in the head department is required then. I’ll be throwing out my clippers and going for the Catweasel look from now on. At least it won’t cover any tattoos.

6. Tattoos now a no-no! And knife play is a sin too!

This is starting to get ridiculous. Where on earth does the Bible ban tattoos? I’ll give you one guess: Leviticus 19:28, "You shall not make any cuts in your body for the dead nor make any tattoo marks on yourselves: I am the Lord."

What’s a guy to do? I shall put my vast intellect to use in reasoning out the answer but in the meantime there is still one male fantasy left isn’t there?

7. Definitely no lesbian action!

We’ve moved on to the New Testament but life doesn’t get any better. Romans 1:27, “And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompense of their error which was meet.” Which means, in modern English, no rumpy-pumpy or any other sexual girl-on-girl shenanigans allowed.

I’m so happy I live in a more enlightened age and to celebrate I’ll be off now to imbibe some alcohol as it’s the start of the weekend. Anyone have a problem with that?