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| Mistress Lady Leyla |
In all the time I have been a Domme, there is one issue I
find I cannot easily help My submissive's with - conflict between their Vanilla
& BDSM lives. Many a time I have been confided in by my submissive's about the conflict they feel, live and
anguish over. Most of my submissive's live an ordinary Vanilla lifestyle
outside of sessions with Me. They are usually male, happily married and love
their wife and family. But they have a secret - as 90% of my submissive's have
- and that is their enjoyment of BDSM.
Many feel they cannot discuss their need or enjoyment for BDSM with their other halves fearing rejection, ridicule or even banishment. It becomes a secret lifestyle.
The burden of keeping this secret is huge. Often my submissive's
feel they are in some way 'cheating' on their wives - or at least it feels as
though they are. Often, the enthusiasm and excitement of a session is followed
by a huge sub drop where guilt encompasses my submissive - the lies they told,
taking time off work, money spent and a feeling of frustration at having succumbed
- yet again -to their BDSM needs.
How can I possibly help them through this to achieve a positive
outcome?
I would say 90% of my submissive's live a 'double life'.
Vanilla and BDSM. The question I often find myself asking is 'why so many women
could not, would not, will not accept their partner is into kink? I have often
asked my submissive's if they have considered telling their wives - the answer
is always: "She's not like that - very vanilla - she wouldn't understand.
She'd think it was disgusting." When I hear combinations of these answers,
it reminds me of the struggle (which still continues today) of men 'coming-out'
as being gay.
The fear of 'coming-out' as a kinkster shrivels most of my submissive's
into a child like ball of mixed emotions and panic. My submissive's know their
families, know their wives. Often they have innocently broached the subject
matter in the past. Therefore, the fear is very real.
Another question I often ask my submissive's (of which the
reply is usually the same) is "Why did you marry her if you knew she wasn't
into kink?" The answer is often one of two things: 'I did what was
expected of me - get a job, get married, have kids...I never thought my urges
would grow over time.' or 'I thought I could forget my BDSM side, control it -
be normal.' Both of these answers shout social dictatorship to me. I know I
would love to shout "FUCK SOCIETY", but I can't, because it is never
that easy.
What is the solution? I don't know. What I do know is how
difficult it is for my submissive's to live their two, very different lives. I
know how emotional and draining it is for them. I understand the conflicts they
suffer, the guilt (justified or not) they endure. I recognize they are
burdened. And I know that what they would most wish for, if it was in any way
possible, is a life where they can be open and transparent.
Maybe a Kink Aware therapist / counsellor is what is needed
here. Not an ordinary therapist or counsellor who would never understand to
begin with. And a good therapist - one who would not project their own bias and
misguided opinions into sessions. I know of only a few therapists who are good
and who I would recommend.
2 comments:
I had the same problem with my wife. The reason I married her was because we understood each other well. Placing sex as the only deciding factor to marriage is something I found misguided anyway. On top of that I also suspected my needs would go away over time. And in a sense I was hoping she was into it as well, and could maybe not tell that either. My needs didn't go away, and she was not into it. After about 10 years I knew I either had to tell her or that our relation would break up. I told her and the reaction was devastating. She looked upon me like a freak and she tried to forget the things I told her (which were extremely difficult to communicate in the first place, yet she did not really appreciate how difficult it was). I tried many more times to explain things, but it never worked. Then we stopped having sex all together, mainly because i no longer wanted it. After a year of so, i finally got her attention that things were not like she wished them to be. Since then we are trying to work things out. And although she lacks experience/understanding in the matter she is at least trying to understand me a bit better. (As a sidenote, I also try to understand that vanilla sex thing, but I find it freakishly simple, with much fewer parameters to work with :) )
You ask what you should suggest your 90% slaves. I think, the reality is that there is no positive alternative to talking to their partner. Their fear likely inhibits them, it is nevertheless, the only way forward. Also, explain them that they should not expect that saying something once will actually register with their partner. Rejection(s) are bound to happen. Talking is however necessary because they should respect themselves, their partners and their relationship.
thank You Mistress,as all subds reading i was totally finding myself in each of the sentences You wrote. and i particularly appreciate You not drawing a conclusion, because indeed the struggles we have to deal with in our own mind are part of our lives, and probably not to be "solved" in the litteral way, more managed and dealt with. now maybe i don't have as pressing urges as other kinksters,so i can hold to a vanilla lifestyle in general without too much pbs and see bdsm a nice additional spice to my fantasy world. i too don't really know, but know that Your Piece is absolutely brillant, so thank You again Divine Mistress Leyla.
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