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22 May 2013

Male Submission – Fantasy vs Reality


Male Submission – Fantasy vs Reality


By ted_subby on March 26, 2013


In part 1 of my series of articles on male submission I wrote about one archetype of male submission “The Worm.”  For clarification, a large majority of male submissives do not fit that mindset as there are plenty of other dynamics. However, one topic which is common to many male submissives is that the fantasy of desires and the reality of those desires are often quite different. Of course, fantasy vs reality is not unique to male submission or to BDSM. Most everyone has as-yet-unfulfilled hopes or desires of some sort and the reality of those desires is often different from the ideal of what we believe that we want. For male submissives with BDSM desires, this issue seems to be common.

Many dominant women on FetLife comment about submissive men who contact them but have difficulty ultimately making a meaningful connection. From what they indicate, this is due to many issues including men who don’t actually want to meet at all, men who are rude, and so on. One common issue is the difference between the fantasy and the reality of the male submissive’s desires. This issue has nothing to do with rudeness, being a fake, or even lack of communication, it is often a legitimate difficulty for subs, trying to understand what may be best left in the realm of fantasy.

Fantasizing for Many Years

Many male submissives have had fantasies for a long time before ever thinking about fulfilling those desires. Often these fantasies are not initiated by exposure to BDSM through books, the the internet, or a partner, the fantasies may have originated from relatively innocent childhood experiences or observations. Consequently, many male submissives have many years of developing very strong and often detailed fantasies. These fantasies are often not a vague feeling of wanting to submit or to be dominated, the fantasies are often very detailed and can become quite extreme. After all, for many years they are only fantasies and there is no risk of anything actually occurring, so it is safe to fantasize about extreme situations.

And then at some point he may decide to reach for his dreams in trying to find someone to share with in making his fantasy a reality. And that is where it gets tricky. Yes it’s difficult for most everyone to find a compatible partner but in the case of a submissive with very strong and sometimes extreme fantasies, there is often recognition that it may be even more difficult to find someone compatible. This can lead to one of a few different reactions. A sub man may focus on his desires to the exclusion of the desires of a potential partner. A sub man may go in the other direction and state “I will do anything for you, Mistress! No limits!” Or a sub man may take a middle ground. From what I read, dominant women encounter both of the extremes much more than we might think, considering how unreasonable those extremes seem to be.

What is wrong with focusing on your desires? Nothing, but if you do not also focus on the desires of a potential partner, then you may not be able to find a partner at all without seeing a Pro Domme. It is very reasonable to be specific in what you want and it is typically considered as a positive to provide that sort of open communication over the course of a relationship. However, accosting a dominant woman with your desires before even establishing a dialog, and just focusing on your own desires, are not typically desirable or productive approaches. In addition, if you are not flexible in how you would interact with a partner, then that would likely add difficulty to the ability to find a partner. On the other hand, what is wrong with telling a dominant that you will do anything with no limits? It likely isn’t true that you have no limits whatsoever with someone you have never met before, or if it is true then that would be scary for most any dominant as it is not a safe or sane approach. If someone does take you up on your offer for no limits, beware!

Regardless of the communication approach, a submissive man who has rather extreme and well-developed fantasies may not understand how much of it he may actually desire or even be able to tolerate. Taking the “worm” archetype as an example, one sub man may believe that he would absolutely love to be literally stepped on by everyone at a BDSM party but if that were to actually occur he may find that he is in over his head, literally!

Fear

And that’s where fear can become a big factor. A sub man may have what he considers extreme fantasies and become fearful if and when there comes a time to potentially experience any of those fantasies. He may communicate his desires in an effective way with a potential partner and successfully negotiate a meeting, but chicken out at the last minute as realization sets in that he may actually experience what he has been fantasizing about for many years. Add that to the very common general fear of rejection, which can be more acute when one is rejected regarding something they have dreamed about for many years.

BDSM with someone new can be scary! Relationships can be scary. And factor in what a sub may consider to be extreme, whatever that is, and the combination of different fears can make a sub freeze up. I have encountered male subs who have backed out of a meeting due to these sorts of fears and I have read comments from dominant women who have experienced last minute cancelations from sub men. Hopefully when this occurs there is contact with the one they were supposed to meet to communicate the issue instead of simply no-showing, but even with communication it is extremely disappointing for a dominant to spend all of the time and effort in getting to know a sub man only to have him get cold feet and cancel a meeting. There is no catch-all solution to fear, of course, but hopefully a slow approach without quickly diving into the deep end of the pool, and getting to know the person as much as reasonably possible before approaching a fearful event such as an in-person meeting, would help alleviate the sudden intensity of fear which may arise at the last moment.

This is the same sort of fear many of us have when attending our first munch. What if I make a fool out of myself? What if the whole thing is a huge disappointment? There are some who do not feel much of this sort of fear and it greatly depends upon the individual. Many of us do not know how we will react but it seems reasonable to expect at least some fear to arise in these new situations, and to prepare ourselves emotionally for that likelihood so that we may examine the source of the fear and try to cope with it.

Will I enjoy it at all?

In addition to the reality being potentially more frightening than a long-standing fantasy, there are many who fantasize about situations they would not want in reality. Continuing with the “worm” example, maybe a guy fantasizes about being humiliated by people he barely knows but he has a realization that this would not actually be enjoyable at all, or maybe the thought about being trampled unmercifully is exciting but he knows in reality that he would not enjoy it. It is very helpful to have this realization to be able to avoid miscommunication with potential partners, but it is understandable and common for subs to just not know for certain what they would actually enjoy.

Often we don’t know which of our fantasies we would enjoy for certain. It makes sense in that case to communicate this with a potential partner and, if possible, experiment with mild experiences. For example, if someone has fantasized for a long time about being tied down and spanked unmercifully but has never experienced any BDSM, they may be helped by initially trying a mild spanking even if that risks seeming like a potential disappointment for not allowing something more severe. Communication ahead of time should alleviate disappointment and also help build trust. Starting slowly is smart and should not be a disappointment to anyone.

Another type of fear is experienced by a man in a committed relationship with someone who is not into BDSM. Often a man will keep his BDSM fantasies and desires secret from his significant other for years before finally opening up, or sometimes he never opens up and either just bottles up his feelings or secretly seeks elsewhere for satisfaction, which is a situation which can cause significant pain for everyone involved. It is scary for many men to reveal their BDSM desires for fear of being rejected by their partner. It may seem strange to think of a man in a loving and committed relationship not feeling the trust that his partner would accept him for who he is, but this is a very common issue without a one-size-fits-all answer.

Reality in a Relationship

The issue of fantasy vs reality also sometimes comes up during a relationship. After a submissive man reveals his BDSM desires to a significant other, the reality often does not match what he would expect. I will use my own situation as an example. For over a decade before I ever experienced any BDSM, I frequently fantasized about being whipped. Once I met my wife over 15 years ago and we began to communicate our deepest desires, she was interested in whipping me so we tried it out. However, the reality was not particularly fun for me and I learned that whipping can cause me pain. It hurt!

I was able to bear the pain but it wasn’t that much fun so we stopped our occasional brief whipping sessions. That was quite disappointing for me at the time because I had fantasized about something but couldn’t really tolerate much of it or enjoy it. Our relationship was great even back then but I figured that whipping or any pain play would need to just stay in fantasy, lesson learned. As it turns out, it took me a long time to realize that what I enjoyed in fantasy about being whipped was not the pain, it was the emotional feeling of being tortured or victimized by a sadist so that once BDSM re-entered our lives over a year ago and the approach my Princess takes is different, whipping is great. Yes it still hurts a lot and I do not like the pain itself, but I love the emotions and the overall experience of being whipped in addition to how I believe it helps our overall D/s dynamic, plus my Princess enjoys the freedom she has to let loose her “inner devil”. It happens sometimes that a fantasy is fulfilled only to find that it is not enjoyable, or at least not initially.

I have read comments from others that reality almost never lives up to the fantasy, as if fantasy is almost always better. However, speaking as one who fantasizes about BDSM almost every day of my adult life I can say that reality can very well be better, because strong physical feelings are involved and that typically greatly amplifies the experience. From before I met my wife and experienced a whipping, or even afterwards, the fantasy of being whipped can be enjoyable and, depending upon how well the mind can go into the realm of fantasy, fantasies can be emotionally rewarding. But the actual reality blows those fantasy feelings out of the water as the intensity of reality is much greater. And for me, luckily, the reality is much more enjoyable.

As a summary:

  • Many submissive men have fantasies which have been developed over many years, sometimes leading to a focus on extreme and/or specific situations despite not having experienced anything
  • This may lead to misunderstandings with potential partners between fantasies and actual desires as the sub man may not even be able to recognize the difference at first
  • This may also lead to last minute fears of experiencing extreme situations or fears of disappointment and rejection
  • To help alleviate the stress of fear, take things slowly with a potential partner and become comfortable communicating before you get to a potential point of fear
  • Many people fantasize about things they would not enjoy
  • Reality will likely be different from fantasy in many ways, it may be more or less enjoyable but expect that reality will typically be more intense of an experience

Related: 



Male Submission - Selfishness

As you all know, I am a huge fan of The Submissive Guide and it's posts. 
I have put together a few of their 'Male Submission' posts for you below. Enjoy
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Male Submission – Selfishness


By ted_subby on May 21, 2013


The title of this article may seem self-contradictory but submission means different things to different people and also almost all human beings are selfish to at least some degree at some point in our lives. Many submissives gain pleasure directly from the pleasure of their dominant and they are clearly not the target of this article. However, this issue comes up surprisingly frequently for some male submissives.

One definition of selfish (from the Encarta Dictionary online) is “concerned with your own interests, needs, and wishes while ignoring those of others.” I think that most agree that regardless of your BDSM orientation it is beneficial to be concerned with your own interests, needs, and wishes. If your needs are not being met in a relationship, then it is usually in everyone’s best interests to address the situation.

However, when someone does not also care about the interests of others, especially of a partner, that is where it becomes selfish.

But isn’t the nature of someone being submissive mean that they are not selfish by definition? Perhaps, but that depends upon the individual and on their definition of submissive. Also, we are all human beings with some level of irrational emotion, and occasional selfishness is common for many people. Selfishness may even be beneficial at times to overcome an issue, but that is not a topic for this article.

One definition of submissive (from Encarta) is “giving in or tending to give in to the demands or authority of others.” For BDSM submission I would add to that definition “…to whom we have agreed to submit.” However, many people who identify as BDSM submissive do not necessarily fit that definition. And therein lies potential difficulty in compatibility.

On FetLife I frequently see many dominant women post that male submissives are very difficult to find. At first when I read comments like this I would figuratively thump my head with my hand and say to myself “There are plenty of male submissives, that’s one reason Pro Dommes are so popular!” However, in delving further into the discussions, these dominant women are referring to the dictionary version of submission, someone who obeys the authority of a dominant, whereas many guys who identify as submissive are actually what we refer to nowadays as a bottom. That is just one of many potential reasons for incompatibility but it seems to be somewhat common.

For example, a guy who enjoys being whipped but does not want to cede authority will often refer to himself as a submissive but based upon the dictionary (and the understanding of most within the BDSM community, I believe) he is not submissive at all. Or maybe a guy enjoys yielding a certain level of authority to a dominant holding a whip during a session, and in that case while he is submissive to a certain degree it is very limited. There is nothing right or wrong, or better or worse, for wanting to be submissive to a small degree or not at all, but it may be confusing to others for a guy to refer to himself as submissive without further explanation.

There are plenty of male submissives, even considering the dictionary definition, but I believe that the psychology behind the submission of some guys is another potential reason why some of them are incompatible with many dominant women. Namely, many submissive guys are selfish, and very few dominants want a selfish sub. For clarification, I am not indicating that all or most submissive guys are selfish, it is simply that many sub guys appear to be selfish based upon their own comments and interactions in focusing only on their own desires without expressing any care for the desires of potential partners.

From what I read, there is a frequent disconnect in guys who are not submissive or are very limited in their submission sometimes contacting dominants with messages of “I will do anything you say!” which is clearly not the case. This is a communication and self-realization issue, not one of selfishness.

As I indicated in my previous Submissive Guide male submission article about Fantasy vs Reality, many male subs (and bottoms) have fantasized for a very long time about their version of submission and many have detailed and specific fantasies which have been rolling around in their minds for many years, developing to the nth degree. In some cases these sub guys do not want submission in most any other form, and if a dominant will not do what fits their fantasies then the dominant isn’t worth their time. For example, a male sub may want to be treated as a school boy in a role-play scene and anything else might not be enjoyable. In my view this is not selfishness per se, because people have needs to be addressed and addressing needs is not being selfish, but often male subs when contacting a potential dominant partner will focus only on their own needs or desires and not express any caring about the needs or desires of the dominant. This is often very annoying and unattractive to a dominant because dominants have needs and desires, too, they are not put on earth for the purpose of satisfying a sub’s desires. I have read dominant women refer to this issue as being thought of as a “fetish delivery system,” something which very few would enjoy being.

A simple version of this type of interaction is that the male sub indicates that he wants A, B, and C and when the dominant brings up his or her own needs and desires, a selfish sub completely ignores that and returns the focus to A, B, and C. For example, “I will let you tie me down and whip me, I will worship your feet and butt, I will let you grab my hair and yell in my face!” While the language appears to be one of a submissive (“I will let you…”), this example is actually an indication of specific requests and in many cases if the dominant wants to modify A, B, and C or otherwise address the dominant’s desires then that would be unacceptable to this sub. Again, expressing desires is not selfishness but if this male sub does not reciprocate by paying attention to the needs and desires of the dominant, as is sometimes the case, then that is selfish and typically leads to a very unproductive discussion unless the dominant happens to exactly enjoy A, B, and C and doesn’t mind putting up with a selfish sub.

Is it wrong not to compromise in what you enjoy? Not at all, that isn’t the issue, we each enjoy whatever we enjoy. It may be difficult to find a partner who fits exactly what you want, but if you need or want A, B, and C and nothing else would be enjoyable, then in my view it is not helpful to deny that. In fact, it is in my view best to be open about that and not pretend otherwise.

However, if you do not also care about the needs and desires of a potential dominant, then that is a selfish attitude and typically not desired by dominants even if BDSM interests coincide.

I am sure that selfishness exists in some people from all BDSM orientations, and perhaps for some subs it may be desirable to partner with a selfish dominant as long as the sub’s needs are met. Selfishness is not a trait which I would desire in a dominant but to each their own. However, in my view very few dominants find selfishness in a sub to be a desirable trait so it would benefit those who portray through their own interactions that they are selfish to do a reality check and recognize that the desires and needs of a partner are important.

In other words, as a discussion with a potential dominant partner progresses to the appropriate point to discuss BDSM needs and desires, while it is important to discuss your own needs and desires it is beneficial to you to pay attention and address the needs and desires of the dominant. Being a selfish-seeming sub will likely not find you a partner, unless you are willing to pay money for it.

In fact, if you actually do not particularly care about the needs and desires of a partner, then a Pro Domme is probably your best option because then you can get what you want while a Pro Domme would get at least part of what they want which is the payment. Pretending to care about the needs and desires of a partner is usually not a good approach because the truth will usually be revealed at some point.

On the other hand, if you do care about the needs and desires of a potential partner, communicate that. If in your discussions you focus only on your own needs and desires, then you may appear to be selfish even if you are not actually selfish.

Many dominant women post on FetLife that many male subs are fakes in that the guys claim to be submissive but are not. Many dominant women on FetLife receive a glut of messages from guys who want to play, often with a list of specific kinky desires and in some cases the messages are sent without even having read the woman’s profile. Many of these messages may be ignored or given a brief and polite negative response but there are also some sub guys who lie in pretending that they want to fulfill a dominant’s desires. Lies are much more harmful because a dominant might be led down the garden path thinking that the interactions will be mutually enjoyable, only to be left with at best an experience of wasted time or worse an experience in being used for another’s pleasure, something which rarely appeals to a dominant. Usually, though, a dominant will at some point recognize the selfish liar and the liar will not get what he wants.

More often than lying, many sub guys are just unsure of what they want. Their fantasies may be indicating to them what they want but the reality of whether or not they would actually enjoy it is unknown to them ahead of time. This is a very common issue, especially for those who are new to acting upon their own BDSM desires which in many cases is later in life, so that they may think they know what they want but it is new territory for them. It is not lying and not selfishness, just unknown and in that case it would be most beneficial to be open and honest about the situation. “I have strong desires for X, Y, and Z but I am inexperienced and not 100% certain that I would enjoy it.” Being open and honest is a very beneficial approach in most every situation.

This entire article may seem strange and confusing. From what I read, some submissives sometimes go in the other direction in wanting to please their dominant with not enough attention to their own needs and desires.

So, as a submissive, how do I know whether or not I am being selfish on the one hand or not addressing my needs on the other hand? There is no cookie-cutter answer but as long as you express a desire for your partner to have their needs and desires met, and consider carefully what they say, while also addressing the importance of your own needs and desires, then you are probably on safe ground. The Submissive Guide has many good articles about ensuring that your own needs and desires are addressed without being or appearing to be selfish.

I am not immune to selfishness myself, of course. My BDSM desires are mostly for consensual non-consent which, although not confined to a small set of specific activities, are important to me. In my 20s before I met my Princess who is my wife of over 15 years, I did not know much about submission (there was no Submissive Guide or even the internet back then) and I focused only on my own desires. I was lucky enough to enjoy one BDSM scene back then and looking back I now know why the dominant never called me back for another session, because I was selfish and in our discussions before and after I only focused on my own needs and desires. I am glad that I did not meet my Princess in my 20s because, being much more selfish back then, and I was not ready.

In summary:

Many male subs portray themselves through their own words that they are selfish in that they do not actually care what a potential dominant partner wants or needs
Having specific desires or wanting very limited or no submission is perfectly fine, and it would be beneficial to be open and honest about this instead of pretending otherwise
If you identify as a submissive but truly do not particularly care about the desires or needs of a dominant, it is often harmful to lie about it and you will likely not get what you want, and you risk hurting others and yourself in the process; it is probably best to consider going to a Pro Domme who, if you find the right one for your desires, will likely do what you want for a fee
It is not selfish to ensure that your needs and wants are addressed, it is only selfish if you do not care about the needs and wants of your dominant
Listen to what a dominant potential partner wants. You do not have to accede to it, because being a BDSM submissive does not mean being submissive to everyone, but it is helpful to recognize a dominant’s desires and have a care for fulfilling at least some of them so that you may have a mutually beneficial relationship.

Related: 





20 May 2013

Dogma dominates studies of kink


Here is an article I discovered regarding BDSM and American College education. I don't think in the UK, we're anywhere near discussing it in our universities.


Scholars in Bondage


By Camille Paglia 

Once confined to the murky shadows of the sexual underworld, sadomasochism and its recreational correlate, bondage and domination, have emerged into startling visibility and mainstream acceptance in books, movies, and merchandising. Two years ago, E.L. James's Fifty Shades of Grey, a British trilogy that began as a reworking of the popular Twilight series of vampire novels and films, became a worldwide best seller that addicted its mostly women readers to graphic fantasies of erotic masochism. Last December, Harvard University granted official campus status to an undergraduate bondage and domination club. In January, Kink, a documentary produced by the actor James Franco about a successful San Francisco-based company specializing in online "fetish entertainment," premiered at the Sundance Film Festival.

Three books from university presses dramatize the degree to which once taboo sexual subjects have gained academic legitimacy. Margot Weiss'sTechniques of Pleasure: BDSM and the Circuits of Sexuality (Duke University Press, 2011) and Staci Newmahr's Playing on the Edge: Sadomasochism, Risk, and Intimacy (Indiana University Press, 2011) record first-person ethnographic explorations of BDSM communities in two large American cities. (The relatively new abbreviation BDSM incorporates bondage and discipline, domination and submission, and sadomasochism.) Danielle J. Lindemann's Dominatrix: Gender, Eroticism, and Control in the Dungeon (University of Chicago Press, 2012) documents the world of professional dominatrixes in New York and San Francisco.

These books embody the dramatic changes in American academe over the past 40 years, propelled by social movements such as the sexual revolution, second-wave feminism, and gay liberation. It seems like centuries ago that, as a graduate student in 1970, I was vainly searching for a faculty sponsor for my doctoral dissertation, later titled Sexual Personae, which was—hard to imagine now—the only project on sex being proposed or pursued at the Yale Graduate School. (Rescue finally came in the deus ex machina of Harold Bloom, whose classes I had never taken. Summoning me to his office, Bloom announced, "My dear, I am the only one who can direct that dissertation!") Finding a teaching job in that repressive climate proved even more difficult. By the mid- to late-1970s, however, the gold rush was on, as women's studies programs mushroomed nationwide, partly as a quick-fix administrative strategy to increase the number of women faculty on embarrassingly male-heavy campuses.

Today's market for sex topics is wide open. Major university presses balk at little these days, short of apologias for paedophilia or bestiality, and even those may be looming. However, despite the refreshing candour displayed by the three books under review, a startling prudery remains in the way their provocative subjects have been buried in a sludge of opaque theorizing, which will inevitably prevent these books from reaching a wider audience. Weiss, Newmahr, and Lindemann come through as smart, lively women, but their natural voices have been squelched by the dreary protocols of gender studies.

It is unclear whether the grave problems with these books stemmed from the authors' wary job manoeuvring in a depressed market or were imposed by an authoritarian academic apparatus of politically correct advisers and outside readers. But the result is a deplorable waste. What could and should have been enduring contributions to both scholarship and cultural criticism have been deeply damaged by the authors' rote recitation of theoretical clichés.

5937-Paglia-BondageMargot Weiss, a product of the department of cultural anthropology and the women's studies program at Duke University, is an assistant professor of American studies and anthropology at Wesleyan University. In her absorbing portrait of San Francisco as "a queer Sodom by the sea," Weiss surveys the gradual transformation of BDSM from the "more outlaw" era of gay leathermen in Folsom Street bars of the pre-AIDS era to today's largely heterosexual scene in affluent Silicon Valley, where high-tech workers congregate at private parties or convivial "munches" at chain restaurants with convenient parking lots. During her three-year fieldwork, Weiss became an archivist for the Society of Janus, which was founded in San Francisco in 1974 as America's second BDSM-support group. (The first was the Eulenspiegel Society, founded three years earlier in New York.) She also enrolled in "Dungeon Monitor" training, where she learned safety guidelines for "play parties," including proper use of whips and floggers and the adoption of a "safe word" to terminate scenes.

Weiss's colourful cast of characters includes Lady Thendara and her husband, Latex Mustang, who spend virtually all their spare time and considerable income on an elaborate BDSM lifestyle. Mustang insists, "It's no different than owning a boat." We meet "Francesca, a white, bisexual pain slut bottom in her late 40s," and "heteroflexible" Lily, age 29, who "identifies as a bottom/sub." Uncle Abdul, an electrical engineer in his 60s, "identifies as a bi techno-sadist."

Weiss lists but avoids detailing BDSM practices, which range from the benign (spanking, "corsetry and waist training") to the grisly ("labial and scrotal inflation"). We also hear about "incest play" and the baffling "erotic vomiting." Weiss attended workshops in "Beginning Rope Bondage," "Hot Wax Play," and "Interrogation Scenes" (Spanish Inquisition, Salem witch trials, uniformed Nazis). Her "all-time favourite workshop title": "Tit Torture for an Uncertain World."

Equipment for BDSM activities can be acquired as pricey customized gear at specialty shops. Quality handcrafted floggers run from $150 to $300, while a zippered black-leather body bag goes for $1,395. But even ordinary objects, such as table-tennis paddles, can be adapted as "good pervertables." Home Depot is sometimes dubbed "Home Dungeon" for its tempting offerings, such as rope, eye bolts, and wooden paint stirrers, which we are told make "great, stingy paddles." The thrifty take note: Rattan to make canes can be cheaply purchased in bulk at garden-supply stores.

A recurrent problem with Weiss's book is that, despite its claim to be merely descriptive, it is full of reflex judgments borrowed wholesale from the current ideology of gender studies, which has become an insular dogma with its own priesthood and god (Michel Foucault). Weiss does not trust her own fascinating material to generate ideas. She detours so often into nervous quotation of fashionable academics that she short-shrifts her 61 interview subjects, who are barely glimpsed except in a list at the back.

One feels the pressure on her to bang the drum of a pretentious theorizing for which she has little facility and perhaps no real sympathy. There are clunkers: "These binaries rely on the social construction of risk." And howlers: "In what follows, I unfold the thickness of such loadedness." Or this résumé of the circular thinking of Judith Butler, the long overrated doyenne of gender studies: "In Butler's work, intelligibility provides a horizon of recognition for subjectivity itself, within which all subjects are either recognizable or unrecognizable as subjects." Weiss speaks of her own "positionality" and "Foucauldian framework," but she seems unaware that Foucauldian analysis is based on Saussurean linguistics, a system of contested and indeed dubious validity for interpreting the untidy realm of physical experience. As for Butler, there are few signs in her work that she has yet done the systematic inquiry into basic anthropology and biology that academe should expect from theorists of gender.

Furthermore, Weiss is lured by the reflex Marxism of current academe into reducing everything to economics: "With its endless paraphernalia, BDSM is a prime example of late-capitalist sexuality"; BDSM is "a paradigmatic consumer sexuality." Or this mind-boggling assertion: "Late capitalism itself produces the transgressiveness of sex¬—its fantasized location as outside of or compensatory for alienated labour." Sex was never transgressive before capitalism? Tell that to the Hebrew captives in Babylon or to Roman moralists during the early Empire!

The constricted frame of reference of the gender-studies milieu from which Weiss emerged is shown by her repeated slighting references to "U.S. social hierarchies." But without a comparative study of and allusion to non-American hierarchies, past and present, such remarks are facile and otiose. The collapse of scholarly standards in ideology-driven academe is sadly revealed by Weiss's failure, in her list of the 18 books of anthropology that most strongly contributed to her project, to cite any work published before 1984—as if the prior century of distinguished anthropology, with its bold documentation of transcultural sexual practices, did not exist. Gender-theory groupthink leads to bizarre formulations such as this, from Weiss's introduction: "SM performances are deeply tied to capitalist cultural formations." The preposterousness of that would have been obvious had Weiss ever dipped into the voluminous works of the Marquis de Sade, one of the most original and important writers of the past three centuries and a pivotal influence on Nietzsche. But incredibly, none of the three authors under review seem to have read a page of Sade. It is scandalous that the slick, game-playing Foucault (whose attempt to rival Nietzsche was an abysmal failure) has completely supplanted Sade, a mammoth cultural presence in the 1960s via Grove Press paperbacks that reprinted Simone de Beauvoir's seminal essay, "Must We Burn Sade?"

Weiss is so busy with superfluous citations that she ignores what her interviewees actually tell her when it doesn't fit her a priori system. Thus any references to religion or spirituality are passed by without comment. She also refuses to consider or inquire about any psychological aspect to her subjects' sexual proclivities, no matter how much pain is inflicted or suffered. She declares that she rejects the "etiological approach": Any search for "the causation of or motivation for BDSM desires" would mean that "marginalized sexualities" must be "explained and diagnosed as individual deviations." To avoid any ripple in the smooth surface of liberal tolerance, therefore, flogging, cutting, branding, and the rest of the menu of consensual torture must be assumed to be meaning-free—no different than taking your coffee with cream or without. (These books approvingly quote BDSM players comparing what they do to extreme but blatantly nonsexual sports like rock climbing and sky diving.) Weiss's neutrality here would be more palatable if she were indeed merely recording or chronicling, but her own biases are palpably invested in her avoidance of religion and her moralistic stands on economics.

Staci Newmahr, an assistant professor of sociology at Buffalo State College, did her ethnographic research in a "loud, large Northeastern metropolis" that she mysteriously calls "Caeden." The city has five SM organizations, three public "play spaces," and three private dungeons for play parties. Newmahr went "deeply immersive" in Caeden: While informing everyone that she was a researcher, she also became a participant, taking the alias "Dakota" and logging over a hundred hours a week in the SM scene. (Newmahr prefers the term "SM" to "the newer and trendier" BDSM.) Members of the SM community in Caeden are less affluent than those in Weiss's Bay Area sample but just as overwhelmingly white. Newmahr did 20 "loosely structured" interviews, which included off-topic conversation. Her portraits are sharply observed and represent a significant contribution to contemporary sociology.

Newmahr captures how her subjects, even before they entered SM, viewed themselves as "outsiders" who lived "on the fringe of social acceptance." Most are overweight, but it's never remarked on. Several women are over six feet tall, generally a social disadvantage elsewhere. Newmahr gets answers from her subjects to questions about the past that Weiss never asked: Some men are small-statured or have vivid, angry memories of being bullied at school. Newmahr notes the "pervasive social awkwardness" in the scene, the "ill-fitting, outdated clothing" and the women's lack of makeup and jewellery. The men often have little interest in sports and own cars of middling quality.

In describing her subjects' style of "blunt speaking" and boasting, as well as their disconcerting invasion of personal space in conversation, however, Newmahr does not mention social class, about which she says little in her book. I would hazard a guess that she was uncovering the difference between lower-middle-class and upper-middle-class manners—the latter characterizing the world she customarily inhabits as an academic. These fine distinctions are insufficiently observed in the United States, where liberal political discourse too often employs a simplistic dichotomy between rich and poor. Both Weiss and Newmahr observe how often their subjects' casual conversations focus on science fiction or computer software. But Newmahr shows superior deductive skills when she connects this to the Caeden community's "affinity for complicated techniques and well-made toys." Where Weiss sees only rank consumerism, Newmahr recognizes an operative aesthetic of "geekiness as cool."

Despite her wealth of assembled data, Newmahr still stumbles into the weeds of academic theory. We get "hermeneutic" this and "hegemonic" that and trip over showy obstacles like "discursive inaccessibility." There are empty phrases ("As Foucault illustrated so powerfully") as well as a lockstep parade of the usual suspects, like the automatically venerated Butler. Even more troublesome are Newmahr's semi fictionalized sections, which she posits as intrinsic to the genre of "auto-ethnography": "The postmodern view of ethnography as a jointly constructed narrative rather than an accurate objective depiction of social reality has gained support in recent years." Her accounts are "not necessarily verbatim" but "edited or blended, resulting in representations not entirely true to time and space simultaneously"; they are "creative representations of authentic experiences."

But is this questionable practice defensible in scholarly terms? The postmodernist slide away from the search for factual truth undermines the entire raison d'être of universities and the professors who ought to serve them. It is cringe-making that students are being fed this postmodernist gruel: History is a narrative; every narrative is a fiction; objectivity is impossible, so who cares what's real and what's not? Newmahr declares, "All ethnographic work is on some level 'about' the ethnographer" (a claim that begs for refutation). Peculiarly, she then decides to exclude her own personal responses to her SM experiences because it might invite voyeurism. But she can't have it both ways, fictionalizing her material (inescapably "about" her) and yet arbitrarily concealing herself.

Where this diffidence becomes unsettling and even alarming is in Newmahr's graphic descriptions of scenes she witnessed or participated in. The first night she enters an SM club, she sees a woman in a nurse's uniform "quietly nailing a man's scrotum to a wooden board," as he "hissed and screamed." Newmahr was "taken aback" by this horrific spectacle but tells us nothing more.

Newmahr's refusal to comment on this activity, to which I would apply a term like "barbaric" (a concept evidently falling outside the anesthetized world of academic theory), becomes even more glaring when the object of abuse is herself. On one occasion, she lies on a bed in a deserted apartment, where a stranger straddles her and presses a thick cord on her throat until her breathing nearly stops; he smashes her in the face again and again with the back of his hand and draws a razor blade across her cheek. Except for a momentary panic at her isolation and potential danger, we learn nothing of her reaction. Newmahr's flat affect, always disconcerting, becomes positively chilling when she says of a sadist and masochist indulging in "edgeplay": "Only the bottom is risking her life, and only the top is risking a prison sentence."

Despite its defects, this book contains tantalizing possibilities for a more flexible approach to gender studies. At times, Newmahr uses theatre metaphors like "social scripts," derived from Erving Goffman, the great Canadian-American sociologist whose work in such pioneering books as The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life (1959) was one of Foucault's primary and deviously unacknowledged sources. Newmahr intriguingly describes SM as "improvisational theatre," where "observers drift from scene to scene" and where the performers must act as if the audience is not there. But this excellent train of thought is not followed or developed.

Like Weiss, Newmahr tries to evade making judgments: She shies away from "the ultimately unhelpful questions about whether SM is or is not deviant sex." Nevertheless, she comes close to a breakthrough at the very end of her book, when quoting a Caeden resident who sees SM play as a way "to connect with the animalistic part of our beings." But because nature and biology are erased from the Foucauldian worldview, with its strict social constructionism, that hint is not followed up on. Post structuralism is myopically obsessed with modern bourgeois society. It is hopelessly ignorant of prehistoric or agrarian cultures, where tribal rituals monitored and invoked the primitive forces of nature.

When she acutely declares that "issues of power are at the core of SM play," Newmahr is unable to progress, because the only power that exists for post structuralism resides in society—which every major religion teaches is limited and evanescent. In the absence of knowledge of the historical origin and evolution of social hierarchies, Newmahr ends up with strained conclusions—for instance, that in the structured play of SM "the erotic is desexualized," which is absurd on the face of it. Her own hunches are more reliable, as when she rightly calls SM "a carnal experience"—without realizing she has broken a law of the claustrophobic Foucauldian universe, where nothing exists except refractions of language and where the body is merely a passive recipient of oppressive social power.

Danielle Lindemann, who earned her doctorate in sociology from Columbia University, is a research scholar at Vanderbilt University. Dominatrix has vibrant passages of sparkling writing that demonstrate Lindemann's talent and promise as a culture critic. Her personality charmingly surfaces even in the acknowledgments, where she hails the "giant, cheap margaritas" at the Dallas BBQ chain as "influential in the successful completion of this project." Her knack for compelling scene-setting is shown at the start of the very first chapter:

One night, I realize I've accidentally stepped on a man rolled up in a carpet. We're at a Scene party in the basement of a restaurant in New York's East Village. I approach the bar and put my foot on what I assume is a step, when I hear a faint "Oof!" The man is laid out in front of the bar, fully submerged in the rug, his face peering out of a roughly cut hole. I step off and apologize, but I am immediately "corrected" by a nearby domme.

"That's okay, sweetie—he likes it!" She proceeds to kick the carpet repeatedly and with great force in her platform boots, while the other people at the bar look on with a mixture of nonchalance and delight. The man in the rug beams the whole time. I return to the table where I've been sitting.

"I just accidentally stepped on a guy rolled in a rug," I tell the group of people who've brought me to the party.

"Carpet Guy's here?" one responds.

Lindemann adroitly positions herself as a respectful but bemused observer, like Alice in a perverse Wonderland. Unlike Weiss and Newmahr, she maintains her professional objectivity and atonement to ordinary social standards by preserving her outsider's stance and declining to become a participant in the world she is studying. Lindemann is brisk and discerning as she explores the world of professional dominatrixes ("pro-dommes"), mainly in New York but also in San Francisco. Pro-¬dommes, who call their work spaces "dungeons" or "houses" (short for "houses of pain"), are rarely "full service," that is, providing sex. Instead they cater to a broad range of tastes and desires, which Lindemann organizes into three types: "pain-producing dominant, non-pain-producing dominant, and fetishistic."

Requested scenarios include smothering (categorized with choking as "breath play"), mummification (encasing in plastic wrap and duct tape), infantilism (a man put in diapers), "splash" (playing with messy food like creamed corn or pies), animal transformation (a man becoming a puppy or pony), "French-maid servitude" (a man donning a maid's uniform to clean house), "prison/interrogation fantasies," and "secret-agent/hostage fantasies." Rarities reported by Lindemann include a "leprechaun fetishist" and a client "aroused by a Hillary Clinton mask."

The audacious voices of Lindemann's pro-dommes fairly leap off the page. These fierce women have a haughty sense of métier. "I will not recite dialogue," they proclaim on their Web sites. To bossy customer demands, one pro-domme replies, "I am dominant. You are submissive. You serve me."
Another instantly rejects any client who says, "I want." She insists on "etiquette, protocols," and hangs up on callers who fail to show due respect. It is proper for prospective clients to begin, "Mistress, I want to serve you. My enjoyments are ... "

Pro-dommes often call their payment a "tribute" rather than a fee, as if they were sovereign nations or celestial divinities. In written correspondence with Lindemann, some pro-dommes habitually capitalized "Me." What comes strongly across is the mystique surrounding pro-dommes, with their special expertise and their disdainful separation from the world of prostitution. The Internet, rather than magazines, has become the preferred advertising medium. One pro-domme says flatly, "Print is dead. Nobody who can afford to see me doesn't have a computer."

Another of Lindemann's disarming chapter openings: "I'm sitting in a basement dungeon in Queens, and the first thing I notice is the cheerleading outfit emblazoned with the word 'SLUT' hanging on the back of the door." What a marvellous book this would have made had Lindemann sustained that clear, engaging, reportorial style! But as in everything blighted by post structuralism these days, we soon hit the obscurantist shallows. We hear about the "dialectical process," "instantiation," "discursive constitutions," and that dread phenomenon, "normative, gendered tropes." Insights about drag are credulously attributed to Butler that were basic to discussions 40 years ago of transvestism in Shakespeare's comedies and that were soon superseded by David Bowie's avant-garde experiments with androgyny in music and fashion.

As this book began to veer astray, I felt that Lindemann's mind was like a sleek yacht built for exhilarating grace and speed but commandeered by moldy tyrants for mundane use as a sluggish freighter. Her book is woefully burdened by the ugly junk she is forced to carry in this uncertain climate, where teaching jobs are so scarce. The very first paragraph of her acknowledgments shows what has happened to this and countless other academic books: Lindemann effusively thanks a Princeton professor "for giving me the idea that Bourdieu may have had something to say about pro-dommes' claims to artistic purity." Well, the dull Pierre Bourdieu, another pumped-up idol forced on American undergraduates these days, had little useful to say about that or anything else about art, beyond his parochial grounding in French literature and culture. (No, Bourdieu did not discover the class-based origin of taste: That was established long ago by others, above all the Marxist scholar Arnold Hauser in his magisterial 1951 study, The Social History of Art.) The leaden Bourdieu chapters bring Lindemann's momentum to a humiliating halt and effectively destroy the reach of this valuable book beyond the dusty corridors of academe.

Lindemann stays cautiously neutral about the acrimonious, long-running debate among feminists over whether sadomasochism is progressive or reactionary. But she so distracts herself with paying due homage to academic shibboleths that she doesn't pursue her own leads—as when a San Francisco pro-domme describes what she does as "performance art." Lindemann should have investigated the genre of performance art as it developed from the 1960s and 70s on (thanks to Joseph Beuys, Yoko Ono, Eleanor Antin, and Bowie), which would have given her a superb cultural analogue. She notes pro-dommes' ability to "create environments" and separately draws a very striking parallel to the Stanislavski theory of actors' total identification with their characters. But neither of these exciting ideas is fleshed out.

Buried in a footnote at the back is a glimmer of what could have made a sensational book: Lindemann says that pro-dominance "may have more in common with other theatrical pursuits than with prostitution." "I was recently struck to find, during a visit to the Barnard College library," she writes, "that the books about strippers were sandwiched between texts relating to pantomime and vaudeville, while the texts about prostitutes inhabited a different aisle." Yes, modern burlesque was in fact born in the 1930s and 40s in vaudeville houses that had gone seedy because of competition from movies. Lindemann was poised to place pro-dommes' work into theatre history—a tremendous advance that did not happen.

The lamentable gaps in the elite education that Lindemann received at Princeton and Columbia are exposed in her two-page "Appendix C: Historical Context," which is an unmitigated disaster. Two millennia since ancient Rome are surveyed in the blink of an eye, and we are confidently told, on the basis of no evidence, that the professional dominatrix is "a fundamentally postmodern social invention." Sade and Leopold von Sacher-Masoch (author of the 1870 SM novel Venus in Furs) are mentioned in passing, but only via an academic book published less than a decade ago. There is no reference to the immense prostitution industry in 19th-century Paris, where flagellation was called "le vice anglais" (the English vice) because of its popularity among brothel-haunting Englishmen abroad.

All three books under review betray a dismaying lack of general cultural knowledge—most crucially of so central a work as Pauline Réage's infamous novel of sadomasochistic fantasy, The Story of O, which was published in 1954 and made into a moody 1975 movie with a groundbreaking Euro-synth score by Pierre Bachelet. The long list of items missing from the research backgrounds and thought process of these books is topped by Luis Buñuel's classic film Belle de Jour (1967), in which Catherine Deneuve dreamily plays a bored, affluent Parisian wife moonlighting in a fetish brothel. Today's formalized scenarios of bondage and sadomasochism belong to a tradition, but post structuralism, with its compulsive fragmentations and dematerializations, is incapable of recognizing cultural transmission over time.

These three authors have not been trained to be alert to historical content or implications. For example, they never notice the medieval connotations of the word "dungeon" or reflect on the Victorian associations of corsets and French maids (lauded even by Oscar Wilde's Lady Bracknell). It never dawns on Weiss to ask why a San Francisco slave auction is called a "Byzantine Bazaar," nor does Newmahr wonder why the lumber to which she is cuffed for flogging is called a "St. Andrew's cross."

To analyze the challenging extremes of contemporary sexual expression, one would need to begin in the 1790s with Sade, Gothic novels, and the Romantic femme fatale, who becomes the woman with a whip in Swinburne's poetry and Aubrey Beardsley's drawings and turns into the vampires and sphinxes of late-19th-century Symbolist art, leading directly to movie vamps from Theda Bara to Sharon Stone. And where is Weimar Berlin in these three books? Christopher Isherwood's autobiographical The Berlin Stories, set in a doomed playground of sexual experimentation and decadent excess, was transformed into a play, a musical, and a major movie, Cabaret (1972), which has had a profound and enduring cultural influence (as on Madonna's videos and tours). The brilliant Helmut Newton, born in Weimar Berlin, introduced its sadomasochistic sensibility and fetish regalia to high-fashion photography, starting in the 1960s. Weimar's sadomasochism and transvestism as portrayed in Luchino Visconti's film The Damned (1969) helped inspire British glam rock. Nazi sadomasochism was also memorably re-dramatized by Dirk Bogarde and Charlotte Rampling in Liliana Cavani's The Night Porter (1974).

Where is the Velvet Underground? The menacing song "Venus in Furs," based on Sacher-Masoch's novel, was a highlight of the group's debut 1967 album. On tour with the Velvets that same year, Mary Woronov did a dominatrix whip dance with the poet Gerard Malanga in Andy Warhol's psychedelic multimedia show, the Exploding Plastic Inevitable. Other SM motifs have woven in and out of pop music: a brutal bondage billboard on Los Angeles's Sunset Strip for the Rolling Stones' 1976 album, Black and Blue, was taken down after fierce feminist protests; dominatrix gear and attitude were affected onstage by Grace Jones, Prince, Pat Benatar, and heavy-metal "hair" groups like Mötley Crüe.

I was very disappointed to see Xaviera Hollander go unmentioned. That vivacious Dutch Madame's feisty memoir, The Happy Hooker (1971), detailing her bondage and fetish services, sold 15 million copies worldwide. But there is no excuse whatever for the absence in these books of Tom of Finland, whose prolific drawings of priapic musclemen formed the aesthetic of gay leathermen following World War II. And the most shocking omission of them all: Tom's devotee, Robert Mapplethorpe, whose luminous homoerotic photos of the sadomasochistic underworld sparked a national crisis over arts funding in the 1980s. Yet our three authors and their army of advisers found plenty of time to parse the meanderings of every minor gender theorist who stirred in the past 20 years.

These books never manage to explain sadomasochism or sexual fantasies of any kind. In addition to its rejection of biology, post structuralism has no psychology, because without a concept of the coherent, independent individual (rather than a mass of ironically dissolving subjectivities), there is no self to see. One of the numerous flaws in Foucault's system (as I argued in my attack on post structuralism, "Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders," published in Arion in 1991) is his inability to understand symbolic thought—which is why post structuralism is such a clumsy tool for approaching art. But without a grasp of symbolism, one cannot understand the dream process, poetic imagination, or the ritual theatre of sadomasochism, with its symbolic psychodramas. Freud's analysis of guilt and repression, as well as his theory of "family romance," remains indispensable, in my view, for understanding sex in the modern Western world. Surely current SM paradigms carry some psychological baggage from childhood, imprinted by parents as our first, dimly felt authority figures.

The mystery of sadomasochism was one of the chief issues I investigated in Sexual Personae (Yale University Press, 1990). My interest in the subject began with my childhood puzzlement over lurid scenes of martyrdom in Catholic iconography, notably a polychrome plaster statue in my baptismal church of a pretty St. Sebastian pierced by arrows. I traced the theme everywhere from flagellation in ancient fertility cults through Michelangelo's neoplatonic bondage fantasy, "Dying Slave," to the surreal poems of Emily Dickinson, whom I called "Amherst's Madame de Sade." I speak simply as a student of sexuality: I have had no direct contact of any kind with sadomasochism—except that I once had an author photo taken in front of a purple velvet curtain in the waiting room of a dungeon in a midtown Manhattan office building (which may be the very one where Lindemann's book begins).

In researching sadomasochism, I did not begin with a priori assumptions or with the desire to placate academic moguls. I let the evidence suggest the theories. My conclusion, after wide reading in anthropology and psychology, was that sadomasochism is an archaic ritual form that descends from prehistoric nature cults and that erupts in sophisticated "late" phases of culture, when a civilization has become too large and diffuse and is starting to weaken or decline. I state in Sexual Personae that "sex is a far darker power than feminism has admitted," and that its "primitive urges" have never been fully tamed: "My theory is that whenever sexual freedom is sought or achieved, sadomasochism will not be far behind."

Sadomasochism's punitive hierarchical structure is ultimately a religious longing for order, marked by ceremonies of penance and absolution. Its rhythmic abuse of the body, which can indeed become pathological if pushed to excess, is paradoxically a reinvigoration, a trancelike magical realignment with natural energies. Hence the symbolic use of leather—primitive animal hide—for whips and fetish clothing. By redefining the boundaries of the body, SM limits and disciplines the over expanded consciousness of "late" phases, which are plagued by free-floating doubts and anxieties.

What is to be done about the low scholarly standards in the analysis of sex? A map of reform is desperately needed. Current discourse in gender theory is amateurishly shot through with the logical fallacy of the appeal to authority, as if we have been flung back to medieval theology. For all their putative leftism, gender theorists routinely mimic and flatter academic power with the unctuous obsequiousness of flunkies in the Vatican Curia.

First of all, every gender studies curriculum must build biology into its program; without knowledge of biology, gender studies slides into propaganda. Second, the study of ancient tribal and agrarian cultures is crucial to end the present narrow focus on modern capitalist society. Third, the cynical disdain for religion that permeates high-level academe must end. (I am speaking as an atheist.) It is precisely the blindness to spiritual quest patterns that has most disabled the three books under review.

The exhausted post structuralism pervading American universities is abject philistinism masquerading as advanced thought. Everywhere, young scholars labour in bondage to a corrupt and incestuous academic establishment. But these "mind-forg'd manacles" (in William Blake's phrase) can be broken in an instant. All it takes is the will to be free.

19 May 2013

What is an opinion and how does this affect religious views on sexuality?


I would like to begin this blog entry firstly by defining what an opinion ( or having an opinion ) actually means. Having established this, I would like to move onto how opinions of ‘moral reasoning’ effect religious groups and their ‘opinion’ on sexuality.

I felt that an examination of religiously endorsed ‘moral views’ was needed after such an ill informed and bias argument against BDSM practioners was outlined in a blog post i discovered. (Please view my original post regards the topic here) AND also 'Dealing with ignorance within BDSM' by Krafted Khaos - @KraftedKhaos.

What is an opinion? It has been agreed since the time of Plato, that there is a difference between ‘an opinion’ AKA ‘common belief’ and ‘certain knowledge’. The two are very different in the terms of public discourse.An opinion has a degree of uncertainty, a subjectivity to it – an example can be an enthusiastic amateur disagreeing with the top scientists on carbon emissions and it’s affect on our planet.

Are we all entitled to ‘our opinions’?

There are two ways at looking into our right to an opinion. Let’s answer that question by examining an example:

“All gay people have red hair!”

1) No one can stop you saying “All gay people have red hair!”, no matter how many times that view has been disproved. Does having an opinion mean you can say whatever you want, whenever? Thinking and saying whatever you feel like?

or

2) Do your opinions need to be serious candidates for the truth?

The logical and accepted norm is, of course, number 2.

In the realm of accepted public discourse, you are NOT simply entitled to your opinion – based solely on what you think without the ‘science’.

You can only argue for what you can defend with hard facts. Constructing and defending an argument based on accepted facts (all the facts), entitles you to an opinion. An opinion which must then be taken as a serious candidate for the truth.

Far too often ‘I’m entitled to my opinion’ feeds and defends beliefs which should have been abandoned long ago.

Humanity has come a long way since the days of burning witches. But, no matter how much time has passed, there is one thing Christian groups – sorry – Religious groups can use to justify their actions: ‘It’s not the sinner we hate, it’s the SIN!’  It’s the SIN which offends – not the sinner, it’s the actions which are immoral.

Such is the view of BDSM.

As I noted earlier, an opinion needs to be based on ‘facts’. When the issue is of public ethics and acceptability, beliefs or opinions grounded on religious  faith  simply isn’t enough (on it’s own,) to forge an accepted public discourse on whether BDSM is morally repugnant.

I also find it shallow when religious groups refer to BDSM as a ‘lifestyle’.  To me, this implies that BDSM is seen as an inessential add-on to a person rather than a core defining feature of that person. It also implies that religious groups who view BDSM’ers as ‘mentally ill’ or ‘morally corrupt’ cannot see the inner lives, concerns, passions and core beliefs of BDSM’ers as being as morally significant as their own.

My final paragraphs: I do not in any way see religion as a ‘lifestyle’. It is a core belief, I support the free exercise of one’s religion. I do not deny the moral depth of religious people.

Being Christian does not affect job performance. Being gay does not affect job performance. Practicing BDSM does not affect job performance.

Being religious does not impede or increase moral reasoning or principles, nor does being gay, being into BDSM or kink. Let us view others as no less worthy of our regard on the basis of such differences as sexuality and religion.

17 May 2013

Arguments that cannot be used to call #BDSM morally acceptable. WTF??


In a blog entry I recently discovered, written by a single Christian girl ( who claims to want to understand the" objective truth") I discovered an entry regarding BDSM, it's morality and acceptability.

Quick reminder that this is the 21st century.

I found this 'persons' viewpoint of BDSM offensive. Totally uninformed, erroneous, clueless, nescient, uneducated, ignorant, agnostical, naive, lacking in factual evidence...I could go on, but I think I'll spare her any more of my linguistic revilements, for now.

Below is the article to which I am referring to. 

I suggest reading it. 

I suggest commenting on it. 

I suggest informing the writer of her erroneous ways and here is the link to the article if you so wish to comment on her Blog.

Arguments that cannot be used to call BDSM morally acceptable


Is there anything good about BDSM?: Arguments that cannot be used to call BDSM morally acceptable

May 17, 2013 at 7:44 pm

I have previously argued that BDSM, (SEE BOTTOM OF THIS ARTICLE) whatever the participants want to say of it, is morally reprehensible.

 Here I will argue how my opposition could – and could not – defend their view if they disagree.
Arguments that cannot be used to call BDSM morally acceptable

1) “What you described is abuse, not BDSM:”

Here is a definition of domestic abuse:
“Any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive or threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between those aged 16 or over who are or have been intimate partners or family members. This can encompass, but is not limited to, the following types of abuse: psychological, physical, sexual, financial, emotional. Controlling behaviour is: a range of acts designed to make a person subordinate and/or dependent by isolating them from sources of support, exploiting their resources and capacities for personal gain, depriving them of the means needed for independence, resistance and escape and regulating their everyday behaviour. Coercive behaviour is: an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim.”

BDSM often include “physical and other forms of violence”. (Participants in this sexual kink may not like the word violence, but per definition it fits.) It is no surprise that it does, because sadism is part of the name of BDSM, and thus a component that may or may not be part of such a relationship. It includes many types of “acts to make a partner subordinate”, it often include bondage which obviously “deprive”, for the time of bondage, “of the means for independence, resistance and escape”. Dominance often amounts to “regulating the sub’s everyday behaviour”. Much of BDSM include acts to “punish”, and many subs describe feeling fear (being “frightened”) during scenes.

Some warning signs of abusers include: Controlling behaviour, “playful” use of force in sex, verbal abuse; rigid sex roles (man above, woman lower); a sense of entitlement (many doms say they “deserve” the treatment the sub gives them); and hierarchical self-esteem (needing to be “better” than another to feel good about himself). Most of these warning signs of potential abuse are present in what I hear of almost every BDSM relationship.

As such, BDSM and abuse are not mutually exclusive.

I can imagine a relationship with no bondage ( no “depriving of the means needed for independence, resistance and escape”); with discipline or punishments that cannot be called “violent” at all and does not amount to “control” by the dom because the sub has to ask to get it; no dominance that controls the behavior of a partner – but the partner in “submission”  by wanting to generally please and be loyal without there being control; no sadism (violence) or masochism (taking of violence to fulfill needs). But will such a relationship, deprived of anything that counts as abuse, still be a BDSM relationship?

2) Sub: “But I do not see it as abuse”:


Many abuse victims do not know they are being abused. Their communities or the abusers tell them that it is not abuse, that they should be thankful for what they have, etc. To quote one abused woman:
Sometimes it takes time away from “normal” to see that it is indeed not normal after all. After 3 months of separation from my husband, I have new insight as to what normal is. When you are in a mentally or emotionally abusive marriage, sometimes you don’t know that your normal is not normal after all.


3) “It is consensual”:


Consent is not enough to make something right. Many employees, for example, choose to keep their jobs even though the boss is a bully, thereby consenting to be treated the way the boss treats them. Treating your workers badly is still not morally right. (And many child molesters get the child to “consent”- but the consent do not count as the child is too young.)
However, I agree that doing something to another without consent would normally be immoral. Consent is probably part of the utter minimum of decent behavior under most circumstances. If BDSM is consensual it avoids one type of very immoral behavior, but so does “we don’t rob money during scenes.”
But even with such a small yardstick, BDSM is ambigious. BDSM acts may exploit and worsen the kind of personality flaw that makes someone consent to things that is not good for him or her.

4) “But my relationship is not like that”:


This blog post is not about your relationship. It is about BDSM. For example, one sub could say:

He is very concerned when I have a backache … he likes to cane me during scenes.”

Concern during backaches is not BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Domination/ Submission, or Sadism/ Masochism). Caning during scenes, however, is one of the many things that counts as a BDSM practice.
If there are BDSM aspects to your relationship that are morally positive, you are welcome to describe those, so I can add to my understanding. But mentioning the non-BDSM aspects of your relationship to defend BDSM is like saying “He is opposed to stealing TVs and hi-fis” to defend someone who steals computers.

What is more, I have never spoken to a BDSM participant who – if (s)he gives any evidence to study the truth of his claims by – actually speak the truth about their relationships. They will say things like “we have a mutually respectful relationship” – and when I go to their blogs, one of the most recent entries has him calling her a [semen receptacle], and her crying bitterly because she wants to be loved, not a mere [semen receptacle] – and she really believes this is his actual view of her, that she is nothing more to him. If your partner sees you as an object, you are not in a mutually respectful relationship.

Or they will testify things like: “he will never hurt a fly” with the next sentence “he likes to induce pain on me, but I like it” and somewhat further in the conversation “I get punishment beatings which I do not like, and they hurt more than what I like.” If he induces pain, he hurts you. If there are pain in your relationship that you do not like, it is not wholly true that you like the pain he brings into your relationship.

5) “But I like it/ crave it”:


1) Desiring something does not make it good. For example, selling heroin is not morally good, even though addicts crave it. It is not morally good, because it destroys the one who gives in to the craving.

2) It is often not true that the sub enjoys BDSM – for example, a punishment to discipline the sub will probably be enjoyed by either only the dominant, or neither of them. Many subs speak of experiencing negative emotions like fear during scenes, and actually likes the feeling of relief from getting out of these negative situations afterwards. None of them actually enjoy pain or will, for example, butt their head against walls for fun.

3) Subs often “want” the opposite of what they want: They actually want kindness, tenderness and reassuring words of encouragement and praise like everyone else, but they feel they will be in a better position to enjoy having these needs met if they start with rough treatment and negative messages. The rough treatment – degradation, insults, etc., is what they “want” but the opposite of what they really want. A man who gives them the bad treatment could certainly make them unhappier. They take that risk, in the hope that a scene, where they live themselves into the bad, will end with the good. When the dom is not good at providing the good part, he can say he did only things the sub “allowed” and even “craved.” But he did not give her what she really enjoys, and he probably did harm her psychologically.

One dom testify that every sub he ever met was conflicted over her wants, with a part of her that finds her BDSM desires deviant. Which make sense, really: Obviously in any sane person, there will be a part that dislike these things. Between those two conflicting and opposite desires of the sub, the dom chooses to give the deviant one. I suggest that this says a lot about the character of the dominant partner.

6) “I don’t feel like this is something bad”:


I will quote CS. Lewis on this:

When a man is getting better he understands more and more clearly the evil that is still left in him. When a man is getting worse, he understands his own badness less and less. A moderately bad man knows he is not very good: a thoroughly bad man thinks he is all right. This is common sense, really. You understand sleep when you are awake, not while you are sleeping. You can see mistakes in arithmetic when your mind is working properly: while you are making them you cannot see them. You can understand the nature of drunkenness when you are sober, not when you are drunk. Good people know about both bad and evil: bad people do not know about either.

Perhaps you do not regard something as morally bad, because your soul has become used to the badness in BDSM. If you disagree, show me what positive moral values is encouraged by BDSM.

7) But this is safe and sane!:


Safe is free from the possibility of getting harmed or hurt. If you want me to believe that BDSM is safe, you have to convince me that bondage, discipline, domination/ submission, and sadism/ masochism does no damage or pain of any kind to the self image, the body, the interpersonal relationships, the mind, or the acknowledgement of real moral values, of the submissive, or the dominant, or the reader of BDSM blogs and websites.

If you want to tell me it is sane, you have to convince me that there is nothing insane about wanting bondage instead of freedom, domination instead of you and others each getting their will, or pain (I don’t just mean physical pain, but also the mental pain of being degraded and treated as less than) -in yourself or your partner – instead wanting a healthy, non-hurting, autonomous body. mind and heart.

And sane things could still be unethical. I can think of several reasons why a sane man would want to rob a bank, but that does not make bank robbery morally right.

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So please: If you think you have evidence to suggest BDSM is morally better that I give credit for on this blog, please give it. Bring up some actual moral standard, for example kindness or justice, and explain how BDSM, or some aspect of it, is kind or just or whatever moral standard you admitted.

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Why BDSM should not be seen as acceptable by mainstream culture


November 10, 2012 at 5:46 am 

When can you call yourself a good person? The usual secular answer goes something like this:
I don’t hurt anyone. I do not want to hurt anyone. So I am a good person.
I previously argued that this approach to moral goodness is less than adequate, but that is not today’s topic. Point is, someone who does not want to hurt others – physically, emotionally, economically, etc. is regarded, by almost any set of values including the purely secular, as superior to those who want to hurt others. And that simple baseline idea of morality: “Do not hurt others” is a fairly good start for a moral conscience. Per extention, hurting others on purpose is the baseline standard of moral evil.

Where does that put people who like sadistic or masochistic acts? (Warning: Violent sexual graphics in link.)

Are people who condone this as moral as those who oppose this?
A sadist hurts people. A masochist finds sadistic behavior – hurting others – acceptable, something (s)he encourages and defends in a partner. This hurting could be physical pain, or it could be humiliation , insults and degradation.
The BDSM community may say that their standard of morality is “safe, sane and consensual.” In my opinion, that is automatically a lower standard than not hurting people:

>    To safely hurt people – in other words, hurting them emotionally and physically, but not to such an extent that their life or health is in danger – is a lower moral standard than not hurting them. It is also nonsensical. Part of the definition of “safe” is “free from hurt” and “protected from being hurt”. As such, anything or anyone that causes hurt is, per definition, unsafe.
>    To sanely hurt people – hurting them while staying in control of your emotions, while doing nothing that the BDSM community will regard as crazy, is a lower standard than not wanting to hurt people. It is also a contradiction in terms. Mental health professionals regards both sexual sadism and sexual masochism as mental disorders.*

>    To hurt consensual people is a lower standard of morality than not hurting people. A similar example will be selling cocaine only to consensual buyers – of course, that is morally worse than not selling cocaine at all. But the similarities goes further: Drug sellers not only want to sell to consensual people, but they do what they can to enslave their customers further, so they can sell more drugs and make more money. Likewise, sadists encourage their consensual submissives to consent to worse pain and worse humiliation than before. And both drug sellers and the BDSM community push their product because they want to enslave new customers.

Anyone who is involved in BDSM (I am not speaking about the ropes and blindfolds part here, but pain and humiliation) have rejected the simplest basic human value of “it is wrong to hurt people.” Can you reject this value, and still be a good and trustworthy member of society, safe for those around you to be with? I do not think so. I believe this will spill over into the other human interactions of the BDSM participant.

I do not expect to make any BDSM participant en ex-participant with this post. I want to tell “vanilla” (non-BDSM) people to not regard these people as normal people who just have different sexual needs. This is not in the same class as, say, a fetish for high heels or even a preference for your own gender. This is a direct rejection of the most basic value of how to treat humans. To the degree you start to  find sadism/ masochism in pornography and literature acceptable, you reject the most basic moral standard that is written on normal human hearts. To the degree you watch that kind of pornography, you encourage and even fund cruelty.

(Edit, added about 12 hours after this post first appearing: I should have asked this before, but please do not link to BDSM/DD web sites or blogs in the comments, including the place where you optionally fill in your blog name after your name and e-mail address. Thank you)

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Note*

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders regards both sexual masochism and sexual sadism as mental disorders. Because of, among others, pressure from the BDSM community, consensual masochism or sadism is only regarded as a mental disorder nowadays if it causes “clinically significant distress or impairment in important areas of functioning.” It appears humiliation and degradation is prone to cause significant distress for the person subjected to it, and I expressed the opinion that letting go of the “hurting people is wrong” standard will dause impairment in social functioning.
Even when all sadism and masochism was considered mental disorders, BDSM people already called “sane” one of their values.



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