An
experienced Dominant once defined the difference in this way: Embarrassment is something you do to
yourself. Humiliation is something that
someone else does to you. I’m still
thinking about that one, but it’s an interesting way to compare the two.
Verbal
Humiliation attacks a person’s humanity; that trait that we call pride. Whether done in a hurtful manner or in a
consensual format, it pokes fun at our dignity. Telling a humiliating story about something
a person has done or using words to cause a person embarrassment about
something demonstrates that the Dominant has the power to make the submissive
tolerate the situation. The Dominant
usually enjoys the display of power and the submissive enjoys the
relinquishment of that power.
Physical Humiliation
is about the same power exchange, but in a more obvious way. A Dominant might demonstrate his power over
her by making her wear something that she is not comfortable wearing, forcing
her to display her body in a way that she is uncomfortable with, or do
something that illustrates his ability to control her. When giving a submissive an order to do
something humiliating, be patient.
There is a period of time that is required for this to sink in. She will likely take a few seconds to believe
that you actually said what she thought you said, a few more seconds to
convince herself that she must obey this order, and more time to summon up the
courage to actually act on it.
Many
Dominants make the mistake of taking this inaction to mean that they have gone
too far, and will often retract or soften the order in some way. This robs the submissive of the opportunity
to demonstrate her submission. Be
patient! In the negotiation process,
discuss how much resistance she is likely to have to acceptable humiliation and
how to handle that resistance. Make
sure there is a safeword or safe statement that she can make to indicate that
this is beyond her ability at the present time.
It is not
necessary that anyone else actually witness the humiliation. Sometimes, simply performing in front of the
Dominant is humiliating enough. Another
option is to have the submissive perform a humiliating feat in private, while
threatening to repeat it at some future point in public. Just be careful not to threaten too often
without actually following through on the threat. Your credibility must be maintained. Her anticipation of this future event will
probably be as powerful as the actual event.
Good examples of public humiliation in the vanilla world might be having
the submissive wear some clip, clamp, plug or bondage under her clothing while
having dinner. Although completely
unseen, the presence of observers will probably cause fantasies of discovery. A common ploy is to tell a submissive to
leave the restaurant table, go to the ladies room and remove her panties.
