BDSM 101 QUIZ

Is it Topping from the Bottom?

Is it Topping from the Bottom?

No-one is going to deny that Tops need feedback in a scene. This commonly includes the bottom communicating needs, discomfort and safety concerns. or communicating and processing their feelings in aftercare. At the same time, a basic working definition of topping from the bottom might be: "an attempt by the bottom to steer play or the power exchange in a direction they want".

Is it Topping from the Bottom?

BDSM: Mental Health and the Issue of Consent

Consent is the important red line that exists between BDSM and abuse, and it is important that we see that such a line matters. It’s the basis for negotiating the distance and intimacies we allow when we let others approach our body, and our mind.

YOU OWN YOUR LINES OF CONSENT

There is a misconception that there is only one red line of consent, a kind of universal experience, but in the real world each individual will have their own red lines and ways of negotiating these. Some people see being hugged as a breach of consent, others hug strangers without giving it a second thought.

When you interact with others, you need to see your own red lines as well as your partner’s. You need to monitor both those lines and keep adjusting your actions accordingly, and that monitoring is continuous. What might be off limits at one time is not necessarily off limits at another time, what is no-go with one person might be OK with another, and any mind-altering substance (such as alcohol or drugs) can give a dangerous false sense of where the lines are and need to be carefully accounted for.

MENTAL HEALTH AND CONSENT

The interplay between mental health issues and consent affects who is responsible and how to form better negotiations.

Can BDSM be a form of therapy?

Can BDSM be a form of therapy? Is it therapeutic? What do we actually mean when we use the words “therapy” and “therapeutic”?

Therapy means different things to different people. For individuals dealing with mental illness, therapy can be akin to physiotherapy, except happening in the mind. We need to stretch the mind in a correct and suitable manner so our mind can function normally in daily life.

Therapeutic can also mean different things to different people, but many people use the word to refer to some kind of de-stressing process. Something that can leave us feeling energised, satisfied, relaxed and healing.

BDSM activities often involve power, violence, and behaviours that are outside of everyday normal activities. It provides a space for individual to engage in transgression that can unlock and free up repressed areas. Having access to a space of personal (emotional and physical) freedom can be therapeutic for some people.

Sadomasochistic practices, in particular, have been discussed as a kind of self-help, in the sense that they hold the potential to transform an individual by providing a window into his or her identity. Andrea Beckmann addresses these ‘transformative potentials’ (Beckmann, 2001: 80) of sadomasochistic activities in her study of practitioners of consensual SM in London; she makes the point that, for some individuals, SM provides a space that ‘allows for a more ‘‘authentic’’ (as founded on experience) relation to ‘‘self’’ and others.

(Beckmann, 2009: 91).” – (Lindemann, 2011) from Sage Journal

In BDSM as Therapy, Lindemann’s article in Sage Journal (linked to at the end of this article), the author outline four overlapping types of “therapeutic” experiences that may be discovered in the process of engaging with BDSM activities:

• as healthful alternatives to sexual repression
• as atonement rituals
• as mechanisms for gaining control over prior trauma
• and (in the case of ‘humiliation sessions’) as processes through which clients experience psychological revitalization through shame

The Vanilla vs. Kink Crossover

 Courtesy of:

When it comes to vanillas and kinksters there’s a real “us” and “them” attitude.  It’s like the Sharks and the Jets (Yes, I’m showing my age . . . and my love for musicals.  Quiet, or I’ll dance fight your ass.).   If you’re one you can’t be the other.  You should never let it be known you occasionally associate with the opposing side, right?  Look how badly that turned out for Tony and Maria.

It’s also assumed if you’re on one side you think the other is less than worthy.  Breaking it down to basic stereotypes, vanillas think kinksters are scary and weird. Kinksters think vanillas are unadventurous and boring.

I can’t tell you how many times a self identified vanilla has asked me, “How do I tell my partner I want some new things in bed?  I’ve never told them I like some light spanks and nibbles— even a hand on the throat sometimes.  I’d love for them to take charge a bit more and be more demanding. I also really enjoy role-playing.  But don’t think I’m into, like, *makes the face* BDSM or anything. All that crazy stuff is just too freaky for me!”

I’m not sure what most people think BDSM is?  Sawing people in half while wearing all leather?  Let’s examine a few “other side” observations about BDSM:

The Outfits 

Practicing BDSM does not require special clothing.  Yes, I’ve heard people say, “How silly would I look practicing S&M!? No one wants to see my muffin-top popping through a latex catsuit!”  Or “I wouldn’t mind taking charge a little bit, it could be fun— but there’s no way I’d even try kink because of those outlandish get-ups they wear!”

You can be naked, in work clothes, lingerie, jeans and a sassy sweater, a baseball uniform, a space suit– whatever you like!  The clothes in no way define the action.  Yes, the leather and whips are what we see in porn, magazines and on TV— that’s because it’s flashy (and hot to spank it to).  It’s also a stereotype.

Nope, I don’t want to see my muffin-top in a catsuit either and I can’t walk in heels to save my life– but I still practice BDSM.  I often do it in the ratty old nightgown I got from Old Navy.

The Acronym 

BDSM stands for Bondage & Discipline/Dominance & Submission/Sadism & Masochism.  It can be one or more of these things but for many it’s rarely all.

Sometimes do you like your lover to take charge, pin you up against the wall and give you direction?  That’s dominance and submission.

Do you like to give your partner a smack on the ass or hold them a bit tightly?  What about a little bite or nibble?  Have you ever left a little mark that’s visible the next day?  Sadism!  If you like receiving, that’s masochism.

Do you enjoy restraining your lover?  Pinning their hands behind their back or above their head?  Perhaps tying their wrists or ankles together with a scarf or tie?  Bondage!

If you have done any of these things, you are practicing elements of BDSM without even realizing it.

Also, kinky people do not necessarily like every kind of freaky activity under the sun (most don’t).  Just because you enjoy being tied up every once and a while does not mean you also have to like pain and vice versa.  If you are into the BD but not the SM you are still technically considered a practitioner of BDSM.  It’s a common misconception that people have to be into the B, the D, the S and the M to be considered kinky.

The Gear

Many assume you need to have expensive floggers, whips, ball gags and a “saw a person in half machine” to effectively practice BDSM.  Have you ever used a scarf or tie to blindfold a partner?  Yes? Then you’ve engaged in sensory deprivation on a dime!

Use that same scarf or tie to restrain their hands or feet— we’re back to bondage again.  What about that French maid costume from three Halloweens ago you got out that one night to surprise your partner just for kicks?  Sexual roleplay!

You can even grab some clothes pins out of the laundry room for impromptu nipple clamps.  While you’re in the laundry room, grab the clothes line rope too— it’s great for restraint.  Even something as simple as a wooden kitchen spoon makes a wonderful paddle.

Whether you’ve used these items in a vanilla setting “once just for fun” or intended to use them for sinister and mysterious (that’s sarcastic) BDSM, you’ve discovered pervertables!  Pervertables are common household items repurposed as sexy/kinky accessories.  With pervertables you can get your kink on for little to no money.  Many of us, vanilla and kinky alike, have used pervertables (think cucumbers or  that phallic shaped shampoo bottle that was popular in the 90s. Uh huh. You know you did.).

The only piece of gear you must have to practice kink is your mind.  They always say the greatest (vanilla) sexual organ is the brain— the same goes for kinky sex.  All you really need is your imagination and creativity.

Public Play 

“BDSM sounds sort of interesting but I just can’t do it.  I can’t have sex in front of people or go to kinky parties! Also, I’m in a happy monogamous relationship, I can’t do that with other people—EW! That is just NOT my thing!”

Yes, some kinksters do go to parties, play publicly and play with multiple partners even if they are in a committed primary relationship.  Those folks are only a small piece of the pie, however.  There are scores of people who identify as kinky but only share that with their partners.  They don’t belong to internet groups, go to parties or shout it from the rooftops.  We’re not sure how many of those are out there but I’m willing to bet it’s quite a few.  Then add to that the people who are kinky who don’t realize they are (the “I’m into hair pulling, spanking and I occasionally like to go in the bathtub and pee on my partner but I’m not into any of that freaky BDSM stuff or anything” types).  See where I’m going with this?

Public players are usually very dedicated to their sexy hobby.  They also aren’t afraid to tell everyone about it.  These folks have blogs dedicated to kink, join BDSM social groups and websites, they are even the people writing the BDSM books.

Just because the public kinksters have the loudest mouths, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are an accurate representation of the entire kinky pie.

Think of public kinksters as the crisscross patterned golden crust everyone sees on the surface of the pie— but what about the hidden sweet filling?

Much of that pie filling is comprised of private players.  These are your neighbors who like to get their freak on alone in their bedroom once a month when the kids are away on a Cub Scout sleepover.  It’s your roommate who told you one night after a few beers they prefer lovers who are rough, commanding and pull on their hair.  It might even be you.  Many of these pie filling people don’t even realize they are kinky!

But how could that be?  How can someone not know they are practicing BDSM?  Well, namely because there really is no “US and THEM,” a least not in a clear-cut sense.  When it comes to vanilla vs. kink activities there’s a huge crossover.

Break it down like this, for instance . . .

Vanilla acts =  Regular intercourse, oral sex, kissing, light touching, giggling, etc.

Kinky acts = Spanking, retraining, biting/nibbling, telling someone what to do/doing as told, pain (hair pulling, squeezing, pinching, etc), role-playing, using toys, etc.

Most of us, self identified kinky or vanilla, engage in activities from both categories during play.  I’m kinky but I still engage in intercourse, oral sex and pretty much everything from the vanilla list.  I can guarantee a large percentage of the vanilla folks dig some of the stuff on the kinky list also.

When it comes to sexual/intimate activities we can’t agree on what is kinky or vanilla.  To some sex toys are kinky but to others they are commonplace.  On which list would you put anal sex?  69?  Cumming on someone’s face?  Tickling? Calling your partner a “good little whore?” Pinching nipples very hard? It’s all subjective.

The writing of this blog post was inspired by the mental image of a Venn diagram that popped into my head randomly a few nights ago.  I’ve drawn it out for you.  Forgive me for using MS Paint. Part of my brain still lives in 1997.

On the vanilla side we can include basic activities like kissing, snuggling and missionary position sex with the lights out.  The kink side would clearly include some of the more extreme things such as play piercing/blood play, scat and perhaps clown sex.

But again, this is all subjective.  I can’t really put electric play in the Kink category because housewives of middle America are currently loving the Jopen Intensity vibrator/kegel exerciser. That toy is marketed to the mainstream but operates based on the same principles as a TENS unit (usually associated with BDSM).  These vanilla ladies are receiving the exact same sensation as they would from an insertable BDSM electric device but they’d never guess!

So what’s the point?  Simply, stop playing “Us and Them.” Pointing the finger at others prevents us from experimenting, growing and discovering what we enjoy sexually.  It ultimately keeps us from being happy.

If I’m into BDSM and I feel like having a slow, tender vanilla lovemaking session I should be able to tell my partner I want that without fearing they’ll think I’ve lost my edge.  If I’m vanilla and have been longing for my lover yank me by the hair and give my ass a good smack, I should be able to ask for that without being afraid they’ll think I’m a weirdo.  It’s not about living up to yourself proclaimed label, it’s about doing what feels right.

Your task: ask your lover to try out that thing you’ve been thinking about but we’re too afraid to bring up for fear they’d think it was out of character for you.  You might find it’s easier than you imagined to delve into some of those things you always thought would remain just a fantasy.

Sunnymegatron: - Posted on 30 July 2012 

http://sunnymegatron.com/postname/kink-2/

THE RULES OF ETIQUETTE as written by a submissive client

Introduction This article should help submissives - especially new submissives - to make a good (first) impression when visiting a professional Domina and to establish a trouble-free relation afterwards. Based on my experiences about the poor quality of some calls many Pro-Dommes received and their reaction afterwards I’m convinced that in this case, more information is better than less Information as thoroughness is important here. Simply because one can make still mistakes even if one is respectful and polite when communicating with a Domina. Essential information before all communication 

• Professional Femdom is not prostitution; Pro-Dommes are not prostitutes. If you are looking for sexual activities never and under no circumstance contact a Pro-Domme. The same goes if you are looking for any kind of intimate worship or nudity (including topless) on her part.

Morally problematic, socially divisive, and legally suspect: devotees of BDSM

Morally problematic, socially divisive, and legally suspect: devotees of BDSM

[Bondage-Discipline, Domination-Submission, or Sadism-Masochism] are often treated as the problem children of sexual ethics. This essay is my apology, or defense, for BDSM, which I shall argue can satisfy criteria for mutually respectful erotic interaction but also provokes legitimate ethical concerns within a diverse, complex world. I do not presume to offer a comprehensive discussion of BDSM, to address every ethical issue related to its practice, or to speak for the experience or position of every BDSM identity. Several aspects of my intellectual, social, and personal background–including my transcendental idealism, my feminism, and my BDSM orientation–inform and motivate my account.

As a transcendental idealist, whose philosophy is influenced by J. G. Fichte, I claim that mutually respectful erotic interactions provide a natural milieu–wherein human beings cultivate their ability for reciprocal influence by expressing desires guided by both feeling and reason–that facilitates social, and ult imately moral, consciousness. As a socially and politically conscious woman, whose ethics is colored by the second and third waves of feminism, I think that social and political justice entails advocating women’s efforts to determine, improve, and value their gendered existence, including their diverse,

1             In this essay, I presume the truth of various particulars about BDSM, which my individual experience, other subjective reports, and empirical study support, but I am open to discussion and dispute of these particulars insofar as BDSM has been mostly excluded from theoretical, empirical, and literary discourse. The attached bibliography (which was distributed to participants in the “Good Sex, Bad Sex” conference ) includes some literature that has influenced (but not determined) my account and that offers a starting place for readers interested in BDSM.

2             In this essay, I presuppose the legitimacy of my intellectual, ethical, and personal positions, but I am open to discussion and dispute of these positions insofar as I am always in the process of developing and refining my views. The attached bibliography includes some literature that underpins my perspectives on sexual ethics as a philosopher, woman, and individual.  unique sexual experiences. As an individual, whose erotic identity is inseparable from BDSM, I believe that BDSM activity is integral to my personal and human welfare. Section One: Misconceptions and Conceptions of BDSM

I would like to offer a rudimentary conception–and counter some basic misconceptions–of BDSM. BDSM encompasses a multipl icity of erotic inclinations, interests, and behaviors, which may include: corporal or behavioral restraints (e.g. bondage and discipline); bodily or emotional control (e.g. domination and submission); physical or mental pain (e.g. sadism and masochism). Erotic partners may engage in topping [relatively giving, active] roles or in bottoming [relatively receiving, passive] roles within particular erotic interactions. These interactions may be fantastical, theatrical, visual, or aural, or they may be concrete, actual, tactile, or corporeal, but in either case, they elicit a gamut of diverse feelings that vary widely in intensity.

BDSM interactions do not typically entail males harming females, adults molesting youngsters, or culturally central, socially powerful individuals exploiting culturally marginal, socially powerless individuals. Participants are generally consenting adults of similar cultural and social background. Tops and bottoms may be hetero-males, hetero-females, gays, lesbians, bisexuals, or transsexuals. Tops are not usually socially domineering, psychologically sadistic personalities and bottoms are not usually socially submissive, psychologically masochistic personalities. Outside of specific erotic contexts, few BDSM participants enjoy inflicting or enduring restraint, control, or pain. Relative to the range of actual sexual practice, participants rarely experience extraordinary sexually-related emotional distress, psycho-social dysfunction, or ethical conflict.

Section Two: Reciprocal Consent, Concern, and Desire

Reciprocal consent, concern, and desire are criteria for mutually respectful sexual interaction, which BDSM can meet. Mutual respect requires that sexual partners give explicit, or at least implicit, expression of their voluntary participation in a particular interaction. Additionally, it demands that each exhibits concern for the other’s human and personal interests within that interaction. Finally, it compels that both show erotic desire for the other within that interaction.