10 Shades of Stupid: Cosmo’s Worst BDSM Tips

I knew this was coming when the cashier in Barnes and Nobles saw me looking at Fifty Shades of Grey and stage-whispered: "I bought that for my mom, and now I'm just terrified that I'm going to go home and find my dad. In a cage. Bleeding or dead." BDSM is like soccer and socialized medicine; fascinating, but hard for a lot of Americans to understand. Cosmo's trying to help with their August issue, which features a twist on their usual bouquet of sex tips: this time, all their tips are inspired by Fifty Shades of Grey.

Harassment of and discrimination against women who choose to engage in S/M practices

"My boss started grabbing my breasts when he found out"

"I have a friend who may lose her job"

"Simply, I was beaten up due to the jerk thinking that [my S/M] meant [I was] free game to beat up and rape"

Harassment of and discrimination against women who choose to engage in S/M practices is an everyday occurrence. That so many women in this community are "in the closet" makes them particularly vulnerable.

Of the first 200 people responding to NCSF National Survey of Violence and Discrimination Against Sexual Minorities:

36% have experienced discrimination

37% have experienced violence or harassment

80% are not completely "out"*

This was a direct result of their consensual involvement in S/M or other sexual minority practices;

attempting to remain closeted is not a defense. Of those who suffered harassment or assault, 96% never reported the crime.

Not all violence against S/M women is perpetrated by men. A nationwide study in 1994 found that, of 539 lesbian and bisexual S/M women surveyed:

56% had experienced discrimination or violence from other women within the lesbian community because of their participation in consensual S/M

47% had experienced harassment from other women

30% had experienced discrimination

25% had experienced physical assault.**

"Regardless of personal feelings and opinions about consensual BDSM, no one has the right to harass, discriminate against, or physically assault S/M women."**

*Violence and Discrimination Against You: National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, 1998.

**Violence against S/M Women Within the Lesbian Community: A Nation-Wide Survey. Sponsored by Female Trouble of Philadelphia. Copyright 1994 by Jad Keres.

A growing community of SM/leather/fetish activists, all of whom recognize the distinction between S/M and abuse, are fighting for freedom of sexual expression among consenting adults. S/M activists who are also Members of the National Organization for Women (NOW) have created the Sexual Freedom Now project to promote sexual self-determination for women.

http://www.leatherleadership.org/library/violdiscwom.htm

A Master's Viewpoint: EXPECT THE BULLS**T

Wonderfully written by Dennis Najee: 

http://dennisnajee.blogspot.co.uk/2014/06/expect-bullst.html

We all know the stories about the online BDSM community and the challenges that anyone who is looking for something real encounters.  One only needs to read a few profiles before coming across someone posting his or her frustration at the games that are played.  As sad as it is, this is a reality that all of us face when dealing in this arena.  In my years in this lifestyle and the later part engaging online, I found that there is no way around it.  The online world is just too easy for the pretenders, stalkers, and bullshi**ers to excel.  They will be an ongoing presence.

So how do we deal with this?

The Mother of Murdered Trans Woman: I Condemn the People Who Do Not Employ Our Daughters

We talked with Melek Okan, the mother of İrem Okan who was the victim of a transphobic hate crime in Bursa in 2010: “I still have contact with the other daughters. One of our daughters has recently undergone surgery. I hatefully condemn the people who do not employ our daughters. Remember not only İrem but also Ecem who was killed a year later.”

Melek Okan, the mother of İrem Okan [who died as a result of a transphobic hate crime in Bursa in 2010], joined the film screening of “My Child” (“Benim Çocuğum”) in Bursa. Melek Okan gave the film its name with her remarks about her child: “They could not find a place for my child to live in this big world.” We had a conversation about what she went through.

Rise of sado-masochism in London

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BDSM is the New Black (or Is It Grey?)

BDSM is the new black, and yes maybe we can thank "Fifty Shades of Grey".

When a sexual expression which has previously been considered a "sexual fetish or kink" invades our clothing and music - it's time to sit up and take notice. So what is BDSM? Or Dominance and Submission ( D/s) or Power Exchange Relationships (there are so many terms). Is it really just about people who are into giving and receiving pain; or is it more? There is something primal about BDSM that is turning more and more people on. Perhaps it's the permissioning in this sexual expression of being able to be raw and politically incorrect when it comes to gender roles, body size, sexual orientation and power. The BDSM community tends to be welcoming to all people and all sexual expressions - and people are hungry for sexual acceptance. What is true is that sex education centres like the Centre For Sex Positive Culture in Seattle and The Centre for Sex and Culture in San Francisco,are running workshops on all aspects of BDSM that are filling as soon as they are announced.

How to Interview a Dom/Master Prospect

Your prince is out there, seeking you, hungering for you, wondering where you are. But crouching between you and him are dozens of frogs and trolls. A few of these are even handsome and wellspoken. And you must wade through them, trying not to get slimed or bitten, before reaching your eventual partner.

Just how are you to discern a poser from a dependable, balanced dominant gentleman? A man with the qualities described in What to Look For ...? You can't see into the past, or read minds, so you have one method of discrimination before you take the risk of investing trust in a prospect: inquisition—you ask him a ton of questions.

It's one of the hardest chores for many submissive women. After encountering a gent she feels intrigued by, she must—although her sub side may already desire his direction—play detective.

Many single subs overlook this phase, and expose themselves to unsavory characters claiming BDSM expertise after a brief online correspondence or phone conversation. Single sub friends of mine have had bad experiences that they might have avoided had they vetted dom candidates more carefully. One was physically mistreated on a first date, another was stalked and had her car ransacked. Thankfully I don't hear such stories that often.

Here then are some tips on the art of investigation...

Be sweet but skeptical. There are relatively few quality, single, monogamous doms in the world. An awful lot of the socalled doms you're likely to turn up (especially on kink sites) are insincere and/or unsafe. Don't give a stranger the benefit of the doubt! Don't grant him more trust than he's earned.

Present your questions as expressions of interest. Your objective is information, but let him see that you're intrigued by him and want to know all about him. And proceed at a relaxed pace, making space for him to query you about things.

Start with instant messaging, from an anonymous webmail account. I like Gmail, as it keeps chat logs. IM is interactive, and you can tell something about the guy from the speed and clarity of his answers. However, plain email may work better than IM via phone, since typing on a tiny screen is slow and error prone.

Make phone calls without callerID. When ready to continue the discussion by phone, make a talk appointment, and place the call yourself, so you can hide your number. From the United States, dial *67 (*mp, think "my privacy") and then his number. Or use Google Talk, Skype, etc.

Re ask important questions a few times, over time. Many people feel comfortable lying to strangers. Liars frequently don't remember exactly how they answered questions previously, so you'll hear inconsistent responses.

Watch out for B.S. Politely disengage if the guy says any of:

• Address me as sir/master/daddy/etc. [that comes later]
• You ask too many questions to be a genuine sub.
• I'm the Dom; I'll decide what to reveal and when.
• That question has no bearing on my relationship with you.
• Well I really don't blah blah blah... [evasiveness]

Ask about relationships. The most important material you can unearth is his relationship history. Does he say good things about the girls, or does he blame them for things? Some of the topics:

What have been your most significant relationships?

For each one:

• How did you meet?
• When did it end?
• How long did it last?
• Why did it end?
• Are you still friendly, if not why?
• What did you love about that relationship?
• What about it didn't work for you?
•  What are the three most valuable things you learned from it?
• What were the three hardest moments during it?
• What were the three best moments?
• How did you wish she was different?
• How did she wish you were different?
• What were your biggest mistakes of that relationship?
• Have you ever met another girl without your partner knowing?
• What are your expectations of a partner?
• What behaviour by a partner most pleases or thrills you?
• What behaviour by a partner most upsets or frustrates you?
• What are your biggest issues/vulnerabilities in life?
• How have those surfaced in recent relationships?

Ask about kinks. You need to know if you have kinkcompatibility. Topics:

• What are your most important kinks?
• How often do you need them?
• Do you enjoy vanilla sex?
• What are the five most intense kinky things you've done?
• How did you do aftercare in those cases?
• When have you pushed a partner too far?
• How did you deal with those times?
• What are your thoughts on safewords?
• What are your hard limits?
• Have you seen a partner subdrop?
•  how did you deal with it?
• Have you made rules for a sub?
• What are some examples?
• How have you punished a sub for breaking rules?
• Have you read howto books or taken classes on BDSM?

Ask about deal breakers. Most people have relationship needs they're unwilling to compromise on. Find out what his are. And discover whether he's compatible with yours! Also don't entertain the fantasy that either of you can change the other to solve deal breaker issues.

Ask about friends and family. His relationships with people other than ex partners may be telling.

• Who are your closest friends?
• How often do you see them?
• How do you spend time with them?
• If you have siblings, are you close with them?
• How do you spend time with them?
• Do you have nieces or nephews?
• Are you close with your parents?
• What do you like/dislike about them?

Reconfirm the basics. You may think you already know the answers to these, but verify what you know.

• How old are you?
• What are your height & weight?
• Are you married/separated/divorced/single?
• Are you seeing anyone?
• Are you polyamorous?
• Do you have any children?
• Are you employed, and in what field?
• Do you live alone?
• Do you have pets?
• How often and how much do you drink?
• Do you smoke or do any drugs?
• Do you have any history with the law/courts?
• Do you own any firearms?

Make up your own questions. There's zillions of other things you'll want to know about a prospective partner, for your own reasons. Ask away!

Be patient. Take the time and care necessary to get to know someone, on many facets of his personality, before you put your wellbeing in his hands. Avoid being sucked in by D/s Gravity. Don't be afraid to back up or walk away if it doesn't feel right to you. And be persistent; don't let the frogs get you down.

http://thejourneyofwill.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/howtointerviewdommasterprospect.html