Analysis: Trans suicide and the way the media reports the trans community - PinkNews.co.uk

Analysis: Trans suicide and the way the media reports the trans community - PinkNews.co.uk:

'via Blog this'

Lucy Meadows death 'could set transgender community free'

Lucy Meadows death 'could set transgender community free':

'via Blog this'

The tragic death of Lucy Meadows could be a "watershed moment" for Britain's transgender community, her MP has claimed.

Graham Jones, the Labour backbencher for Hyndburn, is seeking a debate in parliament on the circumstances leading to Meadows' death. She had endured public humiliation after the media focused on her gender transition.

Jones attacked the "oppressive" nature of Britain's printed press as a petition calling for the Daily Mail to sack columnist Richard Littlejohn, who had singled Meadows out for criticism in a column headlined 'he's not only in the wrong body... he's in the wrong job', approached 200,000 signatures.

"This is a dark moment for the transgender community and the Lucy Meadows case is a deplorable tragedy," Jones told politics.co.uk.

"It also raises the issue about the way the transgender community are treated and I think that they've had an unfair press.

"I think that a debate around the issues of transgender and other minorities will perhaps highlight the oppressive nature of some of the journalistic articles that have appeared over time targeting transgender people. So I think this may be a watershed moment in which transgender people finally get a fair hearing."

The coroner has yet to deliver a final report on the cause of Meadows' death. Police have said no suspicious circumstances are suspected, but the Sum Of Us petition states she "committed suicide" and attacks Littlejohn's "vile article" for having "led to a witchhunt targeting Meadows".

"Everyone has the right to say what they think, but mainstream publications like the Daily Mail shouldn't support and promote this sort of hate," the petition, which by 17:00 GMT on Tuesday had attracted nearly 183,000 signatures, added.

"The Daily Mail needs to ensure that this never happens again - by not only yanking Littlejohn's column and apologizing for the paper's decision to run the hateful opinion piece, but also instituting an editorial review policy that prevents discriminatory writing from ending up in its paper again."

The columnist's article repeatedly referred to Meadows as "he" and criticised her for persisting in her job as a primary school teacher following her gender transition.

Parents and staff were informed Nathan Upton would return as Lucy Meadows in the new year last December.

"Lucy complained of her inability to leave the house by the front door, of movement curtailed, of parents offered money for pictures of her, of pictures lifted without permission from her family's Facebook," trans activist Jane Fae wrote in an article for politics.co.uk published last Friday,

Meadows' MP is now demanding that the regulatory system used to control Britain's broadcast media be applied to the printed press - despite the recent political consensus achieved on the introduction of an independent watchdog.

"My view on this is I'm much less concerned about freedom of the press and far more concerned about the freedom of the British public, the reader," Jones added.

"That freedom is being denied. We do live in an oppressive country as far as the press are concerned. They omit so much of the truth that the reader is unable to make a balanced and fair judgement on the story that's being reported on."

Jones blamed the "press barons" controlling the editorial agenda of national newspapers for the problem.

"They selectively edit their articles denying my constituents and the great British public the opportunity to make a fair and reasonable decision," he added.

Up to 300 transgender activists holding 'I am not afraid' placards gathered outside the offices of the Mail on Monday night in a silent vigil.

The backbench business committee is expected to grant a debate on the issue in April which will take place after the coroner's report is published.

Lies about transgender people (and how to spot a rubbish journalist)

By Paris Lees

Ever been kicked in the face? I have. Violence is common towards children who display gender difference. Poofter, they used to call me. AIDS victim, they’d whisper. Walk like a man, boy, or get a clip ’round the earhole. That last one came from my father. Still, as one matures, so does the nature of the bullying. Instead of gossip and ciggies behind bike-sheds, badmouthing is done by respectable journalists in national newspapers. Take the Telegraph’s Ed West, for example, who seems perfectly comfortable belittling the existence of “transphobia” (hatred towards transgender people). His quotation marks, not mine. Guess he’s never had a kick in the head. In fact, I doubt he has any subjective experience of being trans, and nor will many of his readers. That’s the trouble.

I question everything, now. I recall articles from years back, on various subjects; “facts” stuck in my head; fears I was given; health advice. Were all those items poorly researched too? I see so much rot written about trans people that I just don’t know anymore. Does anyone – from legal correspondents to sports editors – really know what they’re writing about? And, if not, why read their work? News is produced on increasingly small budgets and research is becoming a luxury. Press standards are under scrutiny. Would cynics be better off reading blogs by real experts?

Check out this opinion piece by Ross Clarke, published by the Daily Mail last week: “Beware of the sex-change zealots: Why IS the state so obsessed with whether we’re transgender?” Poor Clarke is outraged because a form asked him if he is transgender. I sympathise. I broke an eyelash once, so I know how upsetting traumas like this can be. Meanwhile, research commissioned by the Equalities Review shows that 73 per cent of trans people have experienced harassment and 47 per cent avoid public facilities for fear of discrimination. But sure, begrudge us a box that acknowledges we exist.

So, how can you tell if what you’re reading is rubbish? I have no idea how much of my daily news is true, but a visit to Islamophobia-Watch.com suggests that trans people are not the only minority group newspapers lie about. Still, there are 6 giveaways for poorly written trans features:

1.   Sex Change. This is seldom used by trans people and has zero medical currency. Authors who use this have nothing valuable to share on trans issues.

2.   Children having “sex changes”. Always false. In the UK, trans surgery is only performed on those aged 18 and above. Children prescribed reversible puberty blockers will have been monitored for years following careful guidelines.

3.   Hermaphrodite. Widely offensive and biologically inaccurate. Humans with biological sex differences are described as intersex. Or people.

4.   Taxpayers/NHS waste of money/cosmetic surgery. Don’t trust anyone who mentions tax during a polemic against trans people. Trans people also pay taxes, and we are more likely to do so when provided with proper healthcare and freedom from discrimination. Nevertheless, “wasteful” trans treatment costs are frequently exaggerated.

5.   “Gender” – in quotation marks. Everyone has a gender identity. Clothing, language, toilets and many other arbitrary social cogs are gendered. Pretending that trans people have imagined their gender is, well, delusional.

6.   Regret. Studies show that an astonishing 98 per cent of people who undergo genital surgery express no regret. Regret usually focuses on surgical results. Any journalist who mentions transition regret, without acknowledging this, has made a terrible mistake.

As Julia Serano notes in the eminently sensible Whipping Girl, traditional media have set stories to tell. It’s true. I was due to appear on morning TV last month but was dropped after I declined to share “before” photos. Must I be reduced to shock, surgery and before-and-after shots? Trans people won various legal rights in 2004, including the right to marry, but, unlike the gay marriage debate, this received scant press. That same year the tabloids were saturated with “jokes” about Big Brother contestant Nadia Almada. There is public appetite for stories about trans people after all: point-and-stare ones.

That said, trans man Luke Anderson received largely positive coverage following his recent Big Brother victory. Are things improving? Or could this be explained by traditional sexism, and the fact that male identities are less open to attack? Or perhaps editors have finally noticed that trans contestants are incredibly popular? The public certainly seem to adore trans people, given the chance to get to know one.

It’s a shame, then, that we are missing out on so many stellar stories; compelling, moving, shocking and funny stories; stories that everyone could identify with, or learn something from, given the opportunity. These narratives are drowned out by the bullies, bigots and dullards; those who spread misinformation on subjects about which they know nothing. For those of us in the know, it’s a real kick in the teeth.

FIVE THINGS I HATE ABOUT BEING A DOMINATRIX IN THE SUMMER.

By Troy Orleans 08.23.05

"Normally, I love my job. I've been a journalist, an editor, a marketing associate, even a radio DJ, but I've never been more intellectually, emotionally and physically stimulated by a job as I have since becoming a professional Dominatrix.

While I could easily rattle off my favourite things about Domming, the heat's got me -- and most Dommes -- pretty cranky. Every day I get an IM from a Mistress friend bitching about how it's too hot to play. How their leather whips are moldering in the humidity. How even if they wanted to play, business is so slow they've had to resort to playing power games with the unwitting guy at the bodega.

Myself, I keep hearing the line from that Siouxsie and the Banshees song, "At 92 degrees, people just get irritable!" Though the Dominatrix stereotype is a screaming shrew with a whip, most of us don't play that game. I'm a sadist, but I'm not a bitch. Since I've got a rep to protect, though, rather than take my frustrations out on my clients, here's a little vent about the five things I hate the most about being a Domme in the summertime.

#1. Whose schedule am I on?

Dommes are glorified freelancers. We may be control freaks, but we're still, when it comes right down to it, in the service industry. So when summer rolls around, we're at the mercy, more so than usual, of our clients' summer schedules. In the battle between golf games, vacations, weekend getaways, traffic jams, half-day Fridays, company outings, kids' summer camp and interleague softball, and the Dominatrix, sad to say, but life usually wins. Your average dungeon is like a ghost town on Saturdays in August.

So what's a Domme to do? Go somewhere she won't be taken for granted. We look for the under served cities that don't get a lot of Domme traffic. You wanna hear kinky? My summer travel plans have included such glamorous vacation hot spots as Cleveland, Detroit, Houston, Las Vegas and New Orleans. New-freakin'-Orleans. In AUGUST! How perverted is THAT?

#2. Even masochists take a break.

Just before Memorial Day, it starts. "Mistress, I'm going to the beach next weekend, so I can't take any marks." By July, even my hardcore maso clients are so prissy about the possibility of getting a mark, I'm "torturing" them with ice cubes. In the last couple of months, I've gotten some really great corporal gear -- a rubber cane, a couple of cool whips -- but I've yet to have a good workout with any of them.

On the bright side, the "no marks" rule does inspire some creative torments. Wrapping him in head to toe with medical bandages, like a mummy … then turning off the A/C. Finding unusual, discreet places to insert needles and other sharp objects. Using a bigger dildo. Forcing him to masturbate with Icy Hot. And my personal favourite: Figging (shoving a large knuckle of peeled ginger where the sun don't shine). Ouch!

#3. Skunky sweat.

While I have, on occasion, treated a good boy to a smothering under my stinky armpit or sweaty ass, it is an entirely different torture when a client comes in bathed in eau de funk. I don't know what it is about male pervs, but almost all of them seem to sweat WAY more than is normal. I'm this close to telling one of my favourite clients to stay away from me until the temperature goes under 70 because he sweats so profusely, I can't stand to touch him.

Even worse are the genuinely smelly ones. It's odd how certain seemingly deep-pocketed clients apparently can't afford to buy soap or deodorant. Or maybe he just thinks that since he's paying me, it shouldn't matter what he smells like. Fortunately, we Mistresses have recourse. A little iced latte-and-asparagus piss shower makes a rather declarative statement -- without leaving any visible marks! And, no, you may not shower afterwards, smelly pants piss-slut.

#4. Wearing any kind of fetish gear is out of the question.

When the thermostat's set to "Hell," there is no fucking way I'm putting on any latex. Or leather. Or even my super sexy, custom fitted PVC catsuit (which arrived in May and is STILL unworn). Normally I get all bent out of shape when a new client asks me to wear lingerie in session. "If you want scantily clad domination, why don't you go see a stripper?" is my usual retort. "She can tease you, give you blue balls and take all your money."

But when it's Africa-hot like it has been for the last few weeks, I have no problem playing in my bra and panties as long as my skin stays away from yours. Except when I'm kicking you in the balls.

#5. The sweat fetishists.

The sweaty clients are pretty gross. Even worse are the clients who get off on sweaty Dommes. Summertime brings out the sweat fetishists, pervy callers who ask if they can lick the sweat off my body. I can barely stand to be touched when I'm hot. So the LEAST erotic thing in the world is having someone run their hot, pasty tongue all over my skin. I don't care how devourably sexy he is.

And if a guy can take his hand off his dick long enough to think about it, would you really want to lick a Mistress who caters to sweat fetishists? Me, I'm just thinking about how many tongues might have booked before me. Gross!"

http://www.blacktable.com/orleans050823.htm

Sub Drop

Here is an article I found, written by David Williams - enjoy

Sub Drop is a term used to describe the after effects of a scene, both physical changes in the submissive's body and mental and emotional results of the scene on the submissives mind. While the physical effects usually occur shortly after the scene, the mental and emotional drop may take days to manifest and thus are often not thought of as a result of the scene.

It is important to note that sub drop is not a sign of a bad scene or lack of enjoyment. Sub drop actually most often occurs after a very intense scene where the submissive completely releases and finds sub space and a sense of euphoria. Thus, in fact, the better the scene, the better the chance for sub drop of either kind.

Aftercare and attention to small signs can help identify sub drop quickly. Simply noticing different behaviour patterns or actions can make dealing with it much easier when caught in earlier stages. This is another reason why knowing your play partner is important.

Physical Sub Drop

Physical sub drop comes from two sources, sometimes mixed together, in some people they suffer one but not the other. Both are the result of the strenuous ordeal of a scene on the submissives body. While it may seem they just stand there and take it, in fact there is much going on and much energy being spent during a scene on the submissives part.

The first form of physical sub drop is a lowering of body temperature in the extremities, stiffness, numbness, and an over all tingling sensation. This is caused by a centralization of the bodies blood supply. The body sees the scene as a form of trauma and one of the first defence mechanisms for this in the human anatomy is to suck the blood supply into the main torso to protect the vital organs and brain.

The result of this action by the body is decreased blood flow to the arms and legs. This often results in very cold limbs after a scene and lack of sensations. When a submissives limbs are inordinately cold after a scene or when they complain of tingling, numbness, lack of sensation, stiffness, aches, or muscle cramps, these are often from lack of blood flow. A vigorous rubbing of the limbs will help to restore blood flow quickly.

Often this will leave a submissive wobbly after a scene and unsure of their grasp on items. If a submissive feels this way after a scene then it is best to have them sit down, legs extended and arms at their side while you rub the limbs to restore control. Crossing the legs or folding the arms can impede the return of blood flow and should be avoided. Laying down flat is a better way for this but is hard to do at play parties and such.

When rubbing the arms and legs, apply gentle pressure and release as you rub, this helps open the passages up to allow a greater blood flow. Cramps can be dealt with by applying a point of pressure to the direct area cramping, pushing in very gently and then releasing. This causes a fast flow of blood to sweep away the built up acids causing the cramp.

Understand that these physical manifestations are completely natural and not a weakness on the submissives part. Stretching out before a scene or after can also help lessen these effects somewhat but don't push too hard, a submissive can actually damage themselves by doing too much when their limbs lack full sensation. The basics work best, better to do small repetitive stretches rather then one big one.

Important Note: If the submissive is not in shape and used to stretching, do not expect her/him to suddenly be doing intense stretching before or after a scene. Stretching can tear muscles and stress tendons very easily.

The second form physical drop can take is the result of substances and chemicals in your body; namely, sugar, adrenaline, and endorphins. These naturally occurring substances interplay with one another to bring a gambit of results much akin to the after effects of a strenuous workout.

Eating a light high protein, low carbohydrate meal an hour or so before the scene can help alleviate a lot of symptoms, just make sure to have enough digestive time before you play and make sure not to over eat and be stuffed Lots of vegetables will also add nutrients that can help the submissive recover from a strenuous scene and of course, plenty of water before and after the scene will help as well.

When a submissive is scened often their body uses a great amount of energy. After the scene is over they will feel an intense craving for sweets. This is not bad, this is their body craving sugar to replace the energy lost during the scene. Sometimes this craving is accompanied by a shaky feeling. Sugar crashes can also bring about mood swings, grumpiness, irritability, and sadness in some cases.

The best rule of thumb to follow with this is: The simpler the sugar, the faster the results. Fructose, sugar found naturally in fruits, is easy for the body to metabolize and use fast. Apple juice, grape juice, any sort of natural fruit juice will help to restore the blood sugar level fast. Soda and processed sugar take longer to produce the same results but will eventually get the job done.

Adrenaline is often released during moments of pain and stress. It creates a feeling of energy and strength, often allowing a submissive to take more in a scene or to play longer then normal. When the adrenaline rush is over though, often it will bring about a feeling of weakness, shakes, and irritability.

Adrenaline is sort of like an octane booster in our bodies. It boosts the octane there already and causes the body to burn through the sugar in the system faster. Usually adrenaline crashes and sugar crashes occur together, once the body is no longer in overdrive, it has burned up a lot of energy and needs to replace it, fast.

Endorphins are released during periods of heavy muscular exertion or pain. Not surprisingly, they are often released during a good scene and tend to bring a very euphoric feeling to the submissive. When the effect passes though, the feeling of euphoria can crash into a feeling of melancholy. Imagine feeling no pain and just as blissful as can be and suddenly that is gone. You don't feel bad, but you don't feel as good any more either. By itself this crash will not often affect the submissive much but, in conjunction with the sugar and adrenaline crashes, it can enhance their results.

It should also be noted that replacing lost hydration (drinking a lot of water), replacing salts (drinking Gatorade) can also help with these things as well. Muscular cramps can be caused also by a loss of potassium in the system during play, eating a banana or drinking Gatorade will help restore this quickly. Think of the physical aftercare like that of an athlete after a tough competition. The submissives body will often crave the same care and refuelling as an athlete's would after a great exertion of effort.

After a scene and aftercare, it is common for submissives to feel hungry. Eating nothing but junk food can cause a very tired and weighty feeling. Remember, the body has used a lot of nutrients in the scene and needs those replaced. Proteins (meats, cheeses, nuts) will help the body recover but may be too heavy for immediately after a scene.

There is nothing wrong with craving sugary treats after a scene as long as you balance it out with a good meal as well later on. The results of eating only junk food can be a very bloated feeling later that night or the next day which can trigger aspects of mental sub drop (feeling unattractive, bloated, depressed). Eating a good light meal of proteins and lots of veggies will replenish the body of the nutrients lost during a scene. It is

advisable to do this when the submissive has recovered sufficiently from the scene later that same day.

If the submissive does eat treats directly after, balance that with intake of water to help flush the system as well to avoid a tired feeling. Fresh fruit is always a good thing to have on hand after a scene as it can satisfy the sweet craving, provide simple sugars, and will not leave the system bogged down with junk food.

Mental Sub Drop

This form of Sub Drop is much harder to typify. It varies in such a great degree from person to person but usually takes the forms of guilt, anxiety, melancholy, depression, and or agitation. While this may happen immediately or within a few hours accompanying physical sub drop, it may also take several days to occur. It is not unheard of for it to happen a week or so after a hard scene.

Several factors may affect mental sub drop and should be discussed before play begins. Things such as mood altering medications, mental conditions, ongoing therapy, or recent events in the submissives life. It is the responsibility of both parties to share this information before a scene to avoid surprise results. That is not saying that sub drop is caused by mental instability...mental sub drop happens with or without these factors, they just may contribute and thus should be known beforehand.

While there are mental aspects which coincide with the physical sub drop, the term Mental Sub Drop is most often used with a period after a scene when the submissive is overwhelmed with feelings of guilt, isolation, and/or depression. This can happen days afterwards and can happen with a new play partner or someone you have played with a dozen or more times. It is not indicative of a bad scene and should not be taken as regret. It is quite simply the last effect of the intensity of a scene . . . the final burn out on the emotions.

Submissives often will have a carefree feeling after a good scene, a lessening of stress and worries. When this feeling fades it can be replaced by other, less then desirable emotions. The gambit of negative emotions is so wide as to be nearly impossible to list here but the root cause is the same. It is coming down off an emotional high. It's that simple.

Imagine riding a roller coaster, all the dips and spins and drops and climbing higher and higher. It's a very exciting ride. Now imagine going from that directly into a 12 hour wait in a doctors office, with no magazines or TV. Imagine going from that much stimulation to nothing so quick and then imagine the effect of that on your mind. This is a very crude example but it can help you understand where some of the mental sub drop comes from.

Sub drop can also be brought about by a feeling of disconnection. During the scene a feeling of intense intimacy can be created for the submissive (and dominant too BTW) and if that contact is not maintained in some way, a feeling of loss can set in. A feeling of isolation and disconnection is created in the void left behind. During a scene a submissive looks to the dominant for a feeling of safety, allowing themselves to feel vulnerable and exposed. That feeling of vulnerability can lead to a feeling of desertion if

there is no continued contact with the submissive. They can feel used and left behind or cast aside.

Guilt and shame are also very common feelings experienced during sub drop. Sometimes these feelings are brought about by social stigmas given to BDSM play and sexual activity, sometimes they are from social stigmas about gender roles (this is especially prevalent with male submissives), sometimes they are the result of the feelings of loneliness and isolation, but most often they are a combination of all of these factors.

Many times, especially for new submissives, social perceptions of sexual roles and acceptable practices can cause confusion in the days following a scene. Society tends to look upon "kink" in a very unfavourable light and drums that into people's heads through the media, religion, and social arch types we are encouraged to look up to. It can be traumatic when you first venture outside what is considered the normal sexual activities and left alone, some people will have a deep seated feeling of guilt or shame set in based upon these social ideals.

Mental sub drop can have long lasting effects as well. A very bad occurrence with no care given can damage or destroy a relationship, the bond of trust being severed between the two. As with all emotional things, sub drop can influence future reactions to scenes as well. It is important that every effort is made to make sure that a scening experience ends as a positive thing and not a bad experience.

The best way to deal with mental sub drop is simple, ACE:

A after care directly after the scene. C contact in the days following the scene E expression of positive reinforcement to the submissive

Aftercare should be more then just making sure the submissive is OK physically. It should also be a period of positive reinforcement, reassurance, and connection. The submissive is especially vulnerable in the period directly after a scene before they have regained their wits, they need to feel safe, valued, and cared for during this period so that the whole scene experience is a positive one.

Contact is essential to making sure the experience remains positive for the submissive. Not just casual contact either, be prepared to really listen and allow the submissive to express what they are feeling. Many times deep emotions come up during this period and providing a receptive outlet for them, you can help the submissive explore all the things conjured up by the scene.

Positive reinforcement is one of the most crucial aspects of aftercare. With a few kind words you can allow the submissive to feel pride in themselves. Don't butter them up or blow sunshine up their ass . . . express honest thoughts and emotions to them. Compliment them on how they did and what they did well. This single aspect of after care will have the greatest affect on avoiding severe mental sub drop. Making it a positive experience can help dispel any guilt or shame felt later.

Male Submission – The Worm

Male Submission – The Worm

By ted_subby on February 26, 2013

As the first in a series of articles focusing on male submission, this article presents thoughts about one of the archetypes of male submission, the “worm.”

Men and women are different, of course, and in some cases that goes beyond the obvious physical characteristics. Almost all of the articles on The Submissive Guide are valid regardless of gender, but there are sometimes subtle differences in application of advice even in the emotional and mental aspects of submission.

One common archetype of submissive men is the worm, a man who wants to be humiliated, degraded, and tormented as much as possible by most any and every dominant woman he encounters. Depending upon the male sub’s orientation, he may want to be treated this way by only dominant women, only dominant men, or regardless of gender. There are submissive women who fit the worm mindset but I believe that it is a much more common desire with submissive men. It is such a common mindset for some sub men that it is a stereotype within the BDSM community that almost all sub men are worms, which is not at all true. Also, the worm type of sub men is sometimes not respected by others even within the BDSM community, which is unfortunate because we should all be allowed to be who we want to be, as long as it is Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC).

Not all submissive men are worms. In fact, I believe that only a small percentage of submissive men are worms. It is not at all reasonable to believe that just because a man is submissive, that makes him a worm. Every individual is unique and has his own needs and desires, which often have nothing to do with being a worm.

What is a worm?

Even that varies by individual and many who enjoy this type of submission may not even classify themselves with the term “worm.” The term “worm” is offensive to some sub men who do not identify as a worm.

In general, a worm enjoys when a dominant, who fits his gender orientation or desire, treats him as a lowly sub-human who must never stand, must never use furniture, must never eat human food, must never make eye contact, must serve as a human toilet, must never be temporarily free from suffering of some sort, and so on. Often, worms enjoy being dominated by a group, though this is not always the case.

Many subs who are not worms enjoy many of these mindsets and even when some of these mindsets are in place 24/7 that does not necessarily make a specific submissive a worm. A worm is mainly the overall mindset of being treated as a sub-human to most every dominant as often as possible. In some cases being a worm is a fantasy where the reality is being a worm part of the time or being only partially a worm, or even being a worm only in the imagination. Note that the term “worm” does not refer to acting like an earthworm, it is a slang term.

There are subs who might be offended that I list an activity they enjoy, such as not being allowed to use the furniture, and categorize that as being a worm. For clarification, the term worm is subjective and it is not the specific activities which classify a worm. For example, if a sub is openly loved and cherished by a dominant and part of that love is manifested in the dominant’s requirement that the sub do not use the furniture, then that is likely not a worm dynamic. By contrast, if the dominant and other dominants think of the sub with disdain (whether real or in role-play) and sometimes kick the sub who is on the floor, then that may be a worm they are kicking.

As with most every sub, a worm has limits. For clarification, breaking an arm is a limit for all BDSM subs, but it’s a limit nonetheless. Many worms would not consent to particular activities, even ones which are commonly associated with worms. For example, a sub man may be a worm but not consent to being involved in anything in the bathroom. Also, many worms only want to be a worm some of the time or to only be treated as a worm by one dominant or by a select few. All worms are unique.

Many worms want to be treated online as a worm by everyone who contacts them, even from the first message. The idea of a dominant sending a message such as “Hi, I saw your profile and you seem interesting” may break the fantasy of some worms who might prefer a message such as “You are a disgusting pig and I demand that you send me a reverential e-mail in return!”

However, and this is very important, it is inappropriate to send someone an initial message containing non-consensual domination such as in my “disgusting pig” example. If a user’s profile explicitly indicates permission to send a domination type message, then that constitutes consent but otherwise there is no consent until the sub provides consent. Unless domination consent is given, an initial message should be polite and neutral, without any domination in it.

Similarly, it is inappropriate for a sub to send an initial message of submission, unless the dominant’s profile specifically provides consent for that. Many dominant women on FetLife receive frequent messages out of the blue from sub men such as “Mistress, I worship you and want to submit to you spitting on me and anything else you want!” This is completely inappropriate as an unsolicited initial message unless the woman’s profile specifically indicates something like “You must always address me as Mistress and grovel at my feet so do not send me a message unless you are worshipping me.” Otherwise, if you are a sub male sending an initial message to a dominant woman, please be polite such as commenting on something non-sexual you like in their profile or on a group message board comment they posted, and if she wants you to submit to her then that can happen later once she gives you consent, not in the initial unsolicited message.

Why would a submissive man want to be a worm?

The worm dynamic may seem very undesirable to many subs. The answer to why is unique to the individual. Why do any of us want to be the type of subs we are? As long as it is safe, sane, and consensual, then a worm should be free to explore his identity and desires. We should all recognize that there are many different submissive mindsets within BDSM and just because we may not like specific mindsets, that does not make those mindsets any less valid to others.

Is it safe and sane to submit to sub-human treatment by every dominant? That depends upon the situation. For example, if attending a BDSM party by a trusted host in which it is known that attending worms will be free to be worms, and if there is some sort of screening process such as only invited guests are attending, then yes it can be safe and sane. Just as with any sub, a worm should judge the situation for safety.

Difficulties of  Worms

There are difficulties which are somewhat unique to worms. From what I have read on FetLife and other web sites, dominant women generally do not want a worm as a long term partner and instead often want a strong man who submits. If the worm is a strong man, there may still be great compatibility if the dominant woman enjoys treating the sub as a worm a certain amount of the time. However, I have seen comments from many dominant women that they do not enjoy the worm dynamic at all, so as with everything else it is up to the individual. Finding a long term compatible partner is difficult for most everyone, not just worms.

Another difficulty for worms is that it seems to me that there are a whole lot more submissive men who are worms of some sort than there are dominant women who enjoy the male worm dynamic. I have seen comments and profiles of dominant women who do enjoy the worm dynamic, but I have also noticed that many of those dominant women who enjoy the worm dynamic are also Pro Dommes and/or Financial Dominants. Consequently, many submissive men who are worms often feel the need or, in cases of an enjoyment of Financial Domination, the desire to pay money to be treated as the worm they enjoy being. In some cases paying money fits the worm dynamic, but there are also many worms who do not want to be financially dominated.

Is it too much to ask to find a long term partner who is a dominant woman but does not need money to change hands early in the relationship? It is not too much to ask, but as with any compatibility it is not easy finding the right match.

How does a man know when a dominant woman requires money? If a dominant requires money, then usually there is a reference to money in the her profile such as “I enjoy Financial Domination,” “I love being spoiled,” being a member of Financial Dominant groups, or being a Pro Dominant. References such as those do not necessarily mean that they require money but it is often an indicator that they do. As usual, it is recommended to read the entire profile. This is actually a common issue with sub men who are looking for a dominant woman, especially sub men who are worms, in trying to ascertain whether a particular dominant woman who enjoys the worm dynamic would require money to change hands.

Doesn’t being treated as a worm mean that the man just does not want a loving relationship at all? As with everything, that depends upon the individual. Many worms do want a loving relationship with the display of love sometimes, though generally not always, being through the worm dynamic, despite how contradictory that seems. I know one FetLife user whose loving dominant wife treats him as a very low worm literally crawling in the mud of their backyard and being intermittently chained and beaten in his own muck for an entire weekend, and as a much less worm-type BDSM slave the rest of the time.

In fact, even for submissive men who are not worms, many of them enjoy when their partner is “mean” to them in some of the worm-like ways or in different ways. And there should not really be any quotes around the word “mean,” many subs desire or need truly mean treatment from their dominants. It is a paradox: “I want you to do to me things I don’t want you to do.” There are informational web sites for dominant women on how to be mean to their man, and many Femdom fictional stories are about a woman being intentionally mean to the man they love. Being loving and mean at the same time is a talent. And the usual caveat applies, not all sub men enjoy when their dominant is mean to them, it is completely up to individual preferences and it is not reasonable to assume that a man being a sub implies that he enjoys anyone being mean to him.

Personally, I enjoy the worm dynamic from a fantasy standpoint but the reality of more than just a taste of it from my dominant wife, even in a safe environment, would be difficult for me at best. Fantasy versus reality will be the subject of my next article on male submission.

So if you meet a worm, then please treat him with respect because everyone deserves the right to be who they want to be. Or … if you and he both consent, then feel free to treat him with the lack of respect he deserves.

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Male Submission – Fantasy vs Reality

Male Submission – Fantasy vs Reality

By ted_subby on March 26, 2013

In part 1 of my series of articles on male submission I wrote about one archetype of male submission “The Worm.”  For clarification, a large majority of male submissives do not fit that mindset as there are plenty of other dynamics. However, one topic which is common to many male submissives is that the fantasy of desires and the reality of those desires are often quite different. Of course, fantasy vs reality is not unique to male submission or to BDSM. Most everyone has as-yet-unfulfilled hopes or desires of some sort and the reality of those desires is often different from the ideal of what we believe that we want. For male submissives with BDSM desires, this issue seems to be common.

Many dominant women on FetLife comment about submissive men who contact them but have difficulty ultimately making a meaningful connection. From what they indicate, this is due to many issues including men who don’t actually want to meet at all, men who are rude, and so on. One common issue is the difference between the fantasy and the reality of the male submissive’s desires. This issue has nothing to do with rudeness, being a fake, or even lack of communication, it is often a legitimate difficulty for subs, trying to understand what may be best left in the realm of fantasy.

Fantasizing for Many Years

Many male submissives have had fantasies for a long time before ever thinking about fulfilling those desires. Often these fantasies are not initiated by exposure to BDSM through books, the the internet, or a partner, the fantasies may have originated from relatively innocent childhood experiences or observations. Consequently, many male submissives have many years of developing very strong and often detailed fantasies. These fantasies are often not a vague feeling of wanting to submit or to be dominated, the fantasies are often very detailed and can become quite extreme. After all, for many years they are only fantasies and there is no risk of anything actually occurring, so it is safe to fantasize about extreme situations.

And then at some point he may decide to reach for his dreams in trying to find someone to share with in making his fantasy a reality. And that is where it gets tricky. Yes it’s difficult for most everyone to find a compatible partner but in the case of a submissive with very strong and sometimes extreme fantasies, there is often recognition that it may be even more difficult to find someone compatible. This can lead to one of a few different reactions. A sub man may focus on his desires to the exclusion of the desires of a potential partner. A sub man may go in the other direction and state “I will do anything for you, Mistress! No limits!” Or a sub man may take a middle ground. From what I read, dominant women encounter both of the extremes much more than we might think, considering how unreasonable those extremes seem to be.

What is wrong with focusing on your desires? Nothing, but if you do not also focus on the desires of a potential partner, then you may not be able to find a partner at all without seeing a Pro Domme. It is very reasonable to be specific in what you want and it is typically considered as a positive to provide that sort of open communication over the course of a relationship. However, accosting a dominant woman with your desires before even establishing a dialog, and just focusing on your own desires, are not typically desirable or productive approaches. In addition, if you are not flexible in how you would interact with a partner, then that would likely add difficulty to the ability to find a partner. On the other hand, what is wrong with telling a dominant that you will do anything with no limits? It likely isn’t true that you have no limits whatsoever with someone you have never met before, or if it is true then that would be scary for most any dominant as it is not a safe or sane approach. If someone does take you up on your offer for no limits, beware!

Regardless of the communication approach, a submissive man who has rather extreme and well-developed fantasies may not understand how much of it he may actually desire or even be able to tolerate. Taking the “worm” archetype as an example, one sub man may believe that he would absolutely love to be literally stepped on by everyone at a BDSM party but if that were to actually occur he may find that he is in over his head, literally!

Fear

And that’s where fear can become a big factor. A sub man may have what he considers extreme fantasies and become fearful if and when there comes a time to potentially experience any of those fantasies. He may communicate his desires in an effective way with a potential partner and successfully negotiate a meeting, but chicken out at the last minute as realization sets in that he may actually experience what he has been fantasizing about for many years. Add that to the very common general fear of rejection, which can be more acute when one is rejected regarding something they have dreamed about for many years.

BDSM with someone new can be scary! Relationships can be scary. And factor in what a sub may consider to be extreme, whatever that is, and the combination of different fears can make a sub freeze up. I have encountered male subs who have backed out of a meeting due to these sorts of fears and I have read comments from dominant women who have experienced last minute cancelations from sub men. Hopefully when this occurs there is contact with the one they were supposed to meet to communicate the issue instead of simply no-showing, but even with communication it is extremely disappointing for a dominant to spend all of the time and effort in getting to know a sub man only to have him get cold feet and cancel a meeting. There is no catch-all solution to fear, of course, but hopefully a slow approach without quickly diving into the deep end of the pool, and getting to know the person as much as reasonably possible before approaching a fearful event such as an in-person meeting, would help alleviate the sudden intensity of fear which may arise at the last moment.

This is the same sort of fear many of us have when attending our first munch. What if I make a fool out of myself? What if the whole thing is a huge disappointment? There are some who do not feel much of this sort of fear and it greatly depends upon the individual. Many of us do not know how we will react but it seems reasonable to expect at least some fear to arise in these new situations, and to prepare ourselves emotionally for that likelihood so that we may examine the source of the fear and try to cope with it.

Will I enjoy it at all?

In addition to the reality being potentially more frightening than a long-standing fantasy, there are many who fantasize about situations they would not want in reality. Continuing with the “worm” example, maybe a guy fantasizes about being humiliated by people he barely knows but he has a realization that this would not actually be enjoyable at all, or maybe the thought about being trampled unmercifully is exciting but he knows in reality that he would not enjoy it. It is very helpful to have this realization to be able to avoid miscommunication with potential partners, but it is understandable and common for subs to just not know for certain what they would actually enjoy.

Often we don’t know which of our fantasies we would enjoy for certain. It makes sense in that case to communicate this with a potential partner and, if possible, experiment with mild experiences. For example, if someone has fantasized for a long time about being tied down and spanked unmercifully but has never experienced any BDSM, they may be helped by initially trying a mild spanking even if that risks seeming like a potential disappointment for not allowing something more severe. Communication ahead of time should alleviate disappointment and also help build trust. Starting slowly is smart and should not be a disappointment to anyone.

Another type of fear is experienced by a man in a committed relationship with someone who is not into BDSM. Often a man will keep his BDSM fantasies and desires secret from his significant other for years before finally opening up, or sometimes he never opens up and either just bottles up his feelings or secretly seeks elsewhere for satisfaction, which is a situation which can cause significant pain for everyone involved. It is scary for many men to reveal their BDSM desires for fear of being rejected by their partner. It may seem strange to think of a man in a loving and committed relationship not feeling the trust that his partner would accept him for who he is, but this is a very common issue without a one-size-fits-all answer.

Reality in a Relationship

The issue of fantasy vs reality also sometimes comes up during a relationship. After a submissive man reveals his BDSM desires to a significant other, the reality often does not match what he would expect. I will use my own situation as an example. For over a decade before I ever experienced any BDSM, I frequently fantasized about being whipped. Once I met my wife over 15 years ago and we began to communicate our deepest desires, she was interested in whipping me so we tried it out. However, the reality was not particularly fun for me and I learned that whipping can cause me pain. It hurt!

I was able to bear the pain but it wasn’t that much fun so we stopped our occasional brief whipping sessions. That was quite disappointing for me at the time because I had fantasized about something but couldn’t really tolerate much of it or enjoy it. Our relationship was great even back then but I figured that whipping or any pain play would need to just stay in fantasy, lesson learned. As it turns out, it took me a long time to realize that what I enjoyed in fantasy about being whipped was not the pain, it was the emotional feeling of being tortured or victimized by a sadist so that once BDSM re-entered our lives over a year ago and the approach my Princess takes is different, whipping is great. Yes it still hurts a lot and I do not like the pain itself, but I love the emotions and the overall experience of being whipped in addition to how I believe it helps our overall D/s dynamic, plus my Princess enjoys the freedom she has to let loose her “inner devil”. It happens sometimes that a fantasy is fulfilled only to find that it is not enjoyable, or at least not initially.

I have read comments from others that reality almost never lives up to the fantasy, as if fantasy is almost always better. However, speaking as one who fantasizes about BDSM almost every day of my adult life I can say that reality can very well be better, because strong physical feelings are involved and that typically greatly amplifies the experience. From before I met my wife and experienced a whipping, or even afterwards, the fantasy of being whipped can be enjoyable and, depending upon how well the mind can go into the realm of fantasy, fantasies can be emotionally rewarding. But the actual reality blows those fantasy feelings out of the water as the intensity of reality is much greater. And for me, luckily, the reality is much more enjoyable.

As a summary:

• Many submissive men have fantasies which have been developed over many years, sometimes leading to a focus on extreme and/or specific situations despite not having experienced anything
• This may lead to misunderstandings with potential partners between fantasies and actual desires as the sub man may not even be able to recognize the difference at first
• This may also lead to last minute fears of experiencing extreme situations or fears of disappointment and rejection
• To help alleviate the stress of fear, take things slowly with a potential partner and become comfortable communicating before you get to a potential point of fear
• Many people fantasize about things they would not enjoy
• Reality will likely be different from fantasy in many ways, it may be more or less enjoyable but expect that reality will typically be more intense of an experience

Related: 

Male Submission - Selfishness

Male Submission – The Worm