Something for the weekend?

Four films I guarantee will have you performing a lobotomy on yourself

I’ve seen some terrible movies over the years, so bad you’d want to beat your own brains out with an empty carton of Kia-Ora if only it’d make it stop. So as we’ve a bank holiday weekend (for those of us in the good ol’ UK) you might want to curl up with a loved one or two on the sofa and watch something incredible, something moving, something fun. You plan to? Then avoid these films like a plague of pustules…

Eegah (1962)

Notable only for the presence of Richard Kiel – the metal-toothed baddy from James Bond last seen floating off into space with a pig-tailed putzy – who plays a giant cave man without any discernible dialogue or acting direction.

One night after shopping, Roxy Miller is driving to a party through the California desert when she nearly runs her car into Eegah (Richard Kiel). She tells her boyfriend Tom Nelson, and her father Robert Miller about the giant. Her father, a writer of adventure books, decides to go into the desert to look for the creature and possibly take a photograph of it. When his helicopter ride fails to show up at his designated pickup time, Tom and Roxy go looking for him.

Roxy is soon kidnapped by Eegah and taken back to his cave while Tom searches for her. In Eegah's cave, Roxy is reunited with her father, who tells her that he has begun to communicate with the caveman and has developed a theory as to the creature's astounding longevity. When a frisky Eegah expresses what seems to be romantic interest in Roxy, her father, fearful that the creature may kill them both if he is rebuffed, suggests she put up with as much of it as she can bear. Eegah never tries anything too explicit, though, and Roxy even ends up giving him a shave (behold the infamous “shaving foam licking” scene!) before Tom arrives and helps the Millers escape. Crushed, Eegah follows them back to civilization, and a final confrontation ensues.

Directed, produced, starring and filmed partly in the home of Arch Hall Sr., the film was meant to launch his son, Arch Hall Jr., into movie stardom. It failed dismally. But treat it as the epitome of ‘60s home movies and you’ll appreciate it loads.

The Fifth Element (1997)

In 1914, aliens arrive at an ancient Egyptian temple to collect the only weapon capable of defeating a Great Evil, which appears every 5,000 years. The weapon consists of four stones, representing the four classical elements, and a sarcophagus that contains a Fifth Element in the form of a human, which combines the power of the other four elements into a "Divine Light" that can defeat the evil. The aliens promise their contact, a priest, that they will return with the Elements in time to stop the Great Evil, which will occur in three centuries.

350-odd years later, the Great Evil appears in space in the form of a giant ball of black fire and destroys an attacking Earth battleship. The current alien contact, priest Vito Cornelius, informs President Lindberg of the history of the Great Evil and the weapon that can stop it. As the aliens return to Earth, they are ambushed by another alien race hired by the industrialist Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg, who was instructed by the Great Evil to acquire the stones.

Somewhere Bruce Willis appears as a futuristic taxi driver who used to be some kind of special forces all-action hero. Allegedly.

Having suffered through the film several times, re-reading the above still sounds new to me. Maybe I was too bemused at the time by the weird character names (Korbern, Leeloo, Ruby Rhod to name a few); I’m guessing the writer had his tongue so far into his cheek it was in danger of poking out of his ear.

How can anyone cast the sexy Milla Jovovich into a sci-fi battle of good versus evil extravaganza and come out with “Panto Dames in Space”?

Jack and Jill (2011)

Why oh why did they subject Al Pacino to this drivel? Throughout the entire film you can see the inner war between his acting ability and a script which I can only assume a 3 year old scribbled all over in green crayon before puking up on every page.

If you can stand that then surely the screechy hysterically tinged voice of “Jill”, played by Adam Sandler deliberately badly as a cross-dresser who gives others of that ilk a bad name, will have you burying your head in the cushions and wailing, “My ears, oh my ears!”

The film opens with homemade videos of fraternal twins Jack and Jill growing up. As the videos progress, it seems that Jack is the more gifted twin, with Jill constantly trying to get his attention by hitting him, hurting girls around him, etc. The story shifts to the present, where an adult Jack is a successful advertising executive in Los Angeles with a beautiful wife, Erin, and two kids, Sofie and Gary, while Jill never left the working-class neighbourhood they grew up in and continued to live with their mother until she passed away about a year before the events of the film (and can you blame her?).

Jack's agency client, meanwhile, wants him to somehow get actor Al Pacino to appear in a Dunkin' Donuts commercial. Jack isn't sure how he's supposed to make that happen. Jill tries online dating, but doesn't get much of a response until Jack poses as Jill (oh how funny. Not.) and alters her profile, leading to more than 100 responses. When her date, "Funbucket", meets her, however, he hides in the restaurant bathroom.

Feeling guilty, Jack takes her to a Lakers game where Pacino is supposed to be. Pacino pays little attention to Jack, but, amazingly, develops a crush on Jill. Jack is hoping Jill would leave by New Year's Eve, since the family is going on a cruise. Friends throw him a birthday party and extend it to Jill as well, having never known that he even had a sister (can you blame him for keeping mum?). Pacino invites Jill to his home but she resists his advances and abruptly leaves.

A proposition is made by Pacino that he will do the commercial if Jack gets him a date with Jill. Jack disguises himself as Jill and goes on the date in her place. Jill starts to suspect that the only reason Jack invited her on the cruise is to persuade Pacino to do the Dunkin' Donuts commercial. When she phones Jack he answers as Jill, and then she hears Pacino, confirming her suspicions… I’m sorry, I can’t continue with the synopsis as a non-entertainment induced coma has been induced.

In the Golden Raspberry Awards “Jack and Jill” was nominated for every single category, and twice for Supporting Actor and Supporting Actress, winning all 10 awards.

Sharknado (2013)

What do you get when you mix sharks with a tornado? Some of the worst made for TV movie-making in history.

A freak hurricane hits Los Angeles causing man-eating sharks to be scooped up in water spouts and flooding the city with shark-infested seawater. Surfer and bar-owner Fin sets out with his friends, Baz and Nova , to rescue his estranged wife, April, and teenage daughter, Claudia (from what I remember it was obvious Fin had no idea where the fuck they were). While the gang is in Finn's jeep, the Emergency Alert System appears, announcing a tornado warning. He succeeds but in finding them but April's boyfriend is eaten by the sharks. The group meets up with Matt, the adult son of Fin and April (are you with me so far?), who is in flying school. They decide to try to stop the threat of the incoming "sharknadoes" by tossing bombs into them from a helicopter!

As Nova prepares to throw one of the bombs, she falls out of the helicopter and directly into a shark's mouth. Matt is heartbroken. Baz is also lost in the storm. After Matt lands on the ground, a flying shark plummets toward the remaining members of the group. Fin jumps into its mouth with a chainsaw and cuts his way out. He emerges carrying an unconscious but miraculously unharmed Nova. Matt is reunited with Nova and Fin gets back together with April…. Awwww.

Rubber sharks “eating” their way through metal, the same stock footage of real sharks repeated again and again, sharks which in one scene are 5 feet long are 20 in the next… If that’s your idea of a good film then download it now or, even better, wait for the sequel “Sharknado 2: The Second One” (catchy title huh?) set to premiere later this year.

Thanks to Wikipedia for allowing me to steal the movie synopsises (synopsii?) and insert sarcastic comments into them.

21 Amusing Reasons People On Twitter Say They’re Voting UKIP

JUST FOR FUN: What have you enjoyed (or will enjoy ) watching so far this year?

A little bit of fun.... TV was not somthing I engaged in often, but recently there have been some good (addictive) shows on. I have to admit, my Sky box was recording them all - the ones I enjoyed or knew I would enjoy... 

Here is my list (no particular order)

• The Walking Dead 
• Hannibal 
• True Detective 
• Banshee 
• Dracula 
• Blacklist 
• Penny Dreadful 
• Rake

Just for fun, here is a survey of how you liked them (if you watched them) and add your own.

Create your free online surveys with SurveyMonkey , the world's leading questionnaire tool.

How do you engage in your BDSM lifestyle? - SURVEY RESULTS

How do you engage in your BDSM lifestyle? | Create Infographics

WHICH OF THE 9 DEGREES OF SUBMISSIVE ARE YOU? - RESULTS

Which of the 9 Degrees of Submissive are you? | Create Infographics

Reading MUNCH

Courtesy of http://www.readingmunch.org.uk/

1: Where does the word munch come from?

The very first one, called a "Burger munch" because it was held at a burger place, was arranged by STella in Palo Alto, California in 1992. The idea was for people who read alt.sex.bondage (the precursor to soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm) to get together in person to meet one another, eat and chat. Now it is shortened to munch, a cross between a meet and lunch.

2: What is a munch?

A munch is a get together of like minded people in a non threatening environment. It is usually held in a pub, cafe or bar. You can come and go as you like within the times posted.

ISNetwork: Bondage and bigotry. The International Socialist Network has split - over a work of art. Paul Demarty is bemused

 

Dasha Zhukova sitting on the offending art work

A hundred years ago, the outbreak of the Great War caused a split in the social democratic movement - while initially most of the Second International’s sections supported their own states, with only two outliers (most famously the Bolsheviks) taking an anti-war line, by the end of the war the movement was cleaved in two. It is only a slight exaggeration to say that the whole bloody history of the short 20th century stems from the response of the workers’ movement to what was plainly an existential choice of indisputable importance.

BDSM is not all about sex!

This is a public information announcement:

BDSM is not all about sex!

Did that get your attention? If it did then my job here is half done; if you agree entirely and know where I’m coming from then you’re excused the rest of the class and can sneak off round the back of the bike-sheds now.

If you think I have no idea what I’m talking about, then, if you’re sitting comfortably, read on…

Many definitions of BDSM include the words “erotic”, “sexual”, “sensual”, etc. While sex can be a big part of a BDSM relationship it does not have to be and, to my mind, limits and detracts from the entire scene.

Thinking Kink: The Politics of BDSM Fashion

"Most of what we do is done in t-shirts and jeans and involves a lot of giggling." Cliff Pervocracy

Trying on my first "proper" corset—steel-boned, torso-flattening, and with an appropriately high price tag—was a mixed bag. As my friend mercilessly yanked harder and harder on the lacing to achieve the four-inch reduction in my waist size that is apparently the aim, I couldn't help but reflect on how wonderfully feminine my figure looked, waist cinched in, boobs thrust up to somewhere near my chin, ass and hips splayed and firmly emphasized below. There was just one little problem: I couldn't breathe properly. Oh, or bend. Or even really sit down. As someone who likes to be physically flexible during playtime, I could see that this was an outfit for remaining stationary, and fantastic as it looked, that's not what I want from my clothes.

Whips and chains excite me: Inside the kinky world of BDSM in Lebanon

ORIGINAL POST: SyndiGate.info

Who knew Who knew? BDSM - or bondage, dominance, submission, sadism and masochism - has a dedicated band of followers in Lebanon. (Shutterstock/BDSM)

Sitting outside a coffee shop in Sassine, Ziad gestures to himself and says, “Look at me. Who could guess I like to whip women? ”It’s a fair question, like other members of the clandestine Lebanese BDSMcommunity with whom the Daily Star spoke, Ziad comes across as an average, middle-aged guy, the kind you’d expect to see at the office or chain smoking in a cafe. Human sexuality comes up in ordinary conversation often, but BDSM – an umbrella term for bondage, dominance, submission, sadism and masochism – is not a sexual preference many understand.

Rape porn Bill introduced to Parliament (England, Wales and NI)

On 5 February the government introduced a Bill to Parliament that will extend S63(7) CJIA 2008 to cover the possession of pornography that depicts rape. Unless the proposed legislation is dropped or amended it may have greater implications for the general public than the first four categories that were originally criminalised. This is because material that depicts rape can be difficult to define.

However, in 2010 the Scottish Parliament introduced its own possession offence legislation (S42 CJ&L(S)A 2010) which included a category that depicts rape. In the light of this, and recent demands from many feminist and religious groups, that material that depicts rape be made an offence to possess, the government has brought forward new legislation.

Many CAAN supporters will be appalled that there really does exist some material that features real rape being committed and this is occasionally shared by exceptionally nasty people. But the publication and sharing of such material is already a criminal offence. Many of us have no sympathy for those who possess extremely brutal and callous depictions of rape, even those where models have consented to appear as ‘victims’, but the current legislation is sloppy, it is poorly drafted and will impact upon relatively soft bondage and domination themed material.

The legislation will also include anything that involves penetration with any object. So, if you were to possess an image of a submissive man, gagged, in bondage, with a butt plug being inserted, how could you prove that this was not rape? It could well be the case that the lucky man involved is having the best day of his life, but his facial expression might be interpreted by police as pain and the gag as proof that there was no consent to the act.

Nearly a third of the UK population (British Sexual Fantasy Research Project: 2007), fantasise about types of forced sex, often involving bondage, gags and invariably a dark dungeon. There is a huge amount of porn that caters for this demand, but anything without a BBFC certificate will be very dangerous to view/possess.

CAAN is doing everything we can to secure a sensible amendment to the legislation to protect those into bondage, submission and/or domination.  Working with the 4 other campaigns (Backlash, Campaign Against Censorship, Sex & Censorship and the Sexual Freedom Coalition) we have warned MPs and peers of the dangers of this legislation, explaining the potential for thousands of harmless people to have their lives destroyed. The government has pointed to the experience in Scotland and notes that it is believed there has only been one conviction for possession of material that depicts rape. However the government also predicted that S63(7) CJIA 2008 would only result in “a handful of convictions” but the reality was very different, with over 1,000 people charged with offences per annum. In the year 2012/13 1,348 people were charged under S63(7) for possession of the first four categories of extreme porn. By criminalising possession of “rape” material, a category which will include some sexually explicit bondage and entirely consensual material, a category that will include material in which millions of people have an interest, it is likely that prosecutions will soar.

Let there be no doubt that we are in engaged in war on two fronts. The state is determined to seize control over the internet and is equally determined to marginalise the lives of those who are into even the mildest forms of BDSM. Evidence is also mounting that police investigations and prosecutions are disproportionately being directed at the LGBT community. As a consequence we fear that the new legislation poses a serious threat to minority groups and have adopted the stance that if anything depicts a real rape, where there is no consent, that cannot be tolerated; but anything that is consensual should not be criminalised. Finding a watertight definition or dividing line between the various different categories of material that exist is impossible and so we oppose the creation of this new category.

Please write to your MP and explain why this is an exceptionally dangerous piece of legislation. Please also write to members of the House of Lords. This step is also important because we believe it is more likely that this part of the legislation will be scrutinised in the Lords than in the Commons.

Here is a link to the draft Bill (The Criminal Justice and Courts Bill): -

http://www.publications.parliament.uk/pa/bills/cbill/2013-2014/0169/cbill_2013-20140169_en_3.htm

Campaigning against extreme and unjust laws

Under the present government, a growing number of laws have been passed that criminalise ordinary people for their sexual choices.  The best known example of this is the extreme porn ban which since 26th January 2009 affects England, Wales and Northern Ireland.

But the Government has also been instrumental in:

• criminalising the possession of images depicting perfectly legal sexual activity;
• putting in place a “Committee of Public Safety” whose job it will be to vet nearly half the workforce – and remove them from their jobs if they possess any porn that is “sexual and violent in nature”
• proposing to make it a criminal offence for an adult to pay for sex.

CAAN needs YOU!

If you’d like to know more about these Laws go to our Issues page. If you’d like to campaign against them go to our Campaigns page.

We’re creating many ways to join in so that everyone who wants to get involved can do so, either behind the scenes, or out and in public. All consenting adults are welcome in CAAN, we aim to include people of all orientations, social or cultural groupings and genders, and we can also provide our information in alternative formats on request.

Other BLOGS & Discussions of interest on this topic: 

The Campaign to Ban Rape Porn is Far Too Broadly Drawn

The Objectification of Women - It Goes Much Further Than Sexy Pictures

Rape Porn: Rapists by Proxy?

The Nanny State – legislating on health and morality

 

 The Nanny State – legislating on healthand morality By Merry Neal

“The only purpose for which power can be rightfully exercised over any member of a civilized community, against his will, is to prevent harm to others. His own good, either physical or moral, is not a sufficient warrant… Over his own body and mind, the individual is sovereign.”

The above principle laid down by John Stuart Mill is a cornerstone of liberal political and jurisprudential thought. Mill argued that, provided you cause no harm to others, you should be free to do what you like with your own body and life. This is what the right to personal autonomy and self-determination means; and it is a right which is being steadily, and quietly, eroded. If liberty, as Mill said, consists in the freedom to do everything which injures no one else, then we are already not free – and if the current trend of legislating on public health and morals continues the residual liberty we do enjoy will be diminished.

Criminal Justice and Courts Bill – new criminal offences

Another year, and yet more criminal justice legislation. The Criminal Justice and Courts Bill 2013-14  is going through Parliament at the moment, and it will come as no surprise that it includes new criminal offences. Here’s a quick look at them:

 Criminal Justice and Courts Bill – new criminal offences

Research by jurors (s 44)

This adds a new s 20A-D to the Juries Act 1974. It comes off the back of the Law Commission Report on Juror Misconduct that was published on 9 December 2013 and effectively implements the recommendations, save that there is no exception for academic research which is a disappointment. The new offences mainly codify the common law on contempt of court as it relates to jurors. It allows them to be dealt with by the “usual” criminal courts rather than through proceedings for contempt, which is arguably a sensible way forward. In reality, there will not be that many cases that are prosecuted.