QUESTION: What are the effects of mainstreaming BDSM?

ANSWERS: 

(Add yours too)


If BDSM is introduced to mainstream culture in a realistic way that portrays it as healthy sex between consenting adults as opposed to degenerate sexual deviancy, it could be a great thing. There are a lot of kinky people out there who are still ashamed of their sexual fantasies, especially in a BDSM context, and if it was to be shown as just another side of sex then it might lead to fewer unnecessary feelings of guilt in people who have those desires. The problem is, a lot of mainstream media shows all BDSM as an exclusively dark, edgy thing. Look at every procedural crime drama that's ever had an episode revolving around a dominatrix or a BDSM club - the people who partake in those activities are always shown as twisted, creepy deviants, when this is by and large not the case at all. The real kink community is, generally speaking, full of open, positive people. But media doesn't focus on that part of it - they don't show the loving husband and wife who beat the daylights out of each other and then snuggle and kiss afterwards, they'd rather focus on the scandalous and often untrue side of things. It could be very interesting to see healthy portrayals of it become common in mainstream media, but I'm afraid I'm not holding out much hope for that.

Arden Fraser, Hopeful Narrative Designer

Assuming it were gradually accepted as part of the spectrum of human sexual activity, it would probably lead to a much more sophisticated, mature and fact based attitude and understanding of sexuality in society. Whether it is mainstreamed or not does not change the fact that it occurs more than most people think it does and amongst people most wouldn't suspect. So, either we can continue to live in ignorance and with blinders on or we can bring things out into the light, acknowledge their existence and understand them for what they are. Bringing things into the mainstream does not mean we have to accept them. But it does make it much more difficult to take advantage of societal ignorance.

Deliciously Sinful, incredibly Wicked

I'm guessing if you're reading this blog then you're interested in or admire the fantastic Lady Leyla and what she has to say, or maybe you're teetering on the edge of booking a session with her but haven't quite worked out if that's what you want. Whatever you're here for maybe this will help.

I first met Lady Leyla a few years ago; I'm not a submissive person at all but I do have a masochistic streak buried in my psyche and wanted to explore that aspect of myself. I'd had some experiences which had left me feeling both unrewarded and unfulfilled. I decided to give it one more chance and Googled away to see what i could find, one of my searches turned up the website of this beautiful young lady named Leyla. She seemed to know what she was talking about and looked to have all the equipment available you could ask for. I got in contact and we exchanged a couple of calls and emails, next thing I was turning up at her dungeon (but only after my sat-nav had sent me down numerous wrong turnings and dead ends making me terribly late). It wasn't a problem, in fact I was greeted like a long lost friend. I'm not going to go into the details of what happened then but all you need to know was I'd never felt so good. She was just perfect; putting me totally at my ease, listening and discussing my every request, putting forth her own excellent ideas, enjoying our interaction, immersing herself fully into the role play scenario we'd devised and at all times ensuring neither hers or my safety or limits were ever compromised. I couldn't have asked for more, in fact it was way better than I ever expected. I was left totally fulfilled and very happy.

Criminalising kink: Camerons porn crusade

This article is the part of the Index on Censorship Young Writers / Artists Programme

By Jonathan Lindsell / 11 April, 2014

Protesters gathered outside a Stop Porn Culture conference in March 2014 organized by Gail Dines. Protesters included porn stars, filmmakers, artists, sex workers and supporters who believe in freedom of expression.

Protesters gathered outside a Stop Porn Culture conference in March 2014 organised by Gail Dines. Protesters included porn stars, filmmakers, artists, sex workers and supporters who believe in freedom of expression.

#Mistresses, #2013, #Essex girls, #slaves & #subs - A discussion

Our annual New year get together

Every year demands an end of year party, traditionally in December. Those of us who work from The fetish Studio will get together and share some wine, laugh and mull over our profession.

Attending were; JosephineScissons, Master Dresda, Lady Trinity, Mistress Siren and Myself

Over some good wine (served to us by Slave Dan), a super meal (prepared and served by our own domestic chef and sissy maid Isabel) we shared the ups and downs of 2013.

Master Desda shared the hilarious yet sobering and thought provoking instance of Anna (name changed). Anna contacted Master Dresda hoping to get training to become a ProDomme. Nothing unusual there, but what made this a hilarious subject matter was Anna herself and her need to be a Pro Domme. Here is the conversations they had over the phone (which he had recorded and I transcribe)

2014 resolutions for a submissive

Be Patient

A potential top will let you know if she or he is interested in you or not. Keep in mind that your purpose as a submissive is to serve and to satisfy someone who will take into consideration the realization of your fantasies.

Be Humble

You may think you are the best submissive in the world and the most sought, but no one needs to hear it or wants to hear it. You will have ample opportunity to show how good you are. No matter what you claim, the "real you" will show through in a scene. Don't set yourself up for failure by developing expectations that you know you and your top can never reach.

2014 Resolutions for a Top.

I am sure we all know these simple points, but I always try to re-read them at the start of a new year. 

Be Patient

Finesse and subtlety are major elements of dominance. Similarly, strength and gentleness go hand in hand. The sensitivity and awareness (or lack thereof) that you show in the real world is likely to be repeated in the playroom.

Be Humble

No matter what you claim, the "real you" will show through in a scene. Don't set yourself up for a failure by developing expectations that you know you can never reach.

Be Open

Although the top is classically considered to be the teacher in SM, you can always learn from your bottom, no matter how inexperienced. Be willing to learn from other dominants who may have a totally different perspective from yours.

Communicate

Find out basic, essential information about the people you play with, such as experience, limits, likes and dislikes, and health information. Playing SM without this knowledge is like Russian Roulette. Clearly spell out roles, rules, limits and contracts. Do not take for granted that your bottom instinctively knows the ground rules.

Be Honest

If you lack experience in an area that your bottom would like to experiment with, be honest about it. Be honest with yourself and take your submissive only to those levels at which you are completely in control of the situation. Safety should always be the first concern.

Be Sensitive

There's a very fine line between a sensitive, caring dominate and a self-righteous, insensitive overbearing clod. Your scene should be a creative synthesis of you needs and fantasies, and your bottoms needs and fantasies. Although, on the surface, your submissive is serving you, what actually is happening is that dominant and submissive are serving each other. Earn the complete trust of your submissive and never violate or even threaten to violate that trust. His or her submission is a gift to you. Use it appropriately.

Be Realistic

End the scene with the bottom wanting more, not wishing there had been less. Remember that power, control, and sensitivity are the keys. Be clear about what fantasy really is and that it has little to do with what works in practice.

Be Really Dominant

Submissives are looking for someone who will take over their body and mind, not just for brute strength. Real people are wanted, not just cardboard images from ads or stereotypes. Your dominance enhances you whole existence. It does not cover up or substitute for other areas of your life - it is you. Follow up on rules, expect obedience, and punish appropriately when it is called for. Don¹t shirk your responsibility. Be dependable and expect dependability. You have agreed to take the dominant role - now take it!

Be Healthy

Like any strenuous activity, SM requires that its participants be in top physical and emotional health. Many factors, including the amount you sleep, your eating habits, your alcohol and drug intake affect your performance and endurance during a scene. Don¹t attempt to do SM when your physical or emotional energy is low. As a dominant you have a special responsibility to be in control of yourself and on top of the scene.

Have Fun

After all, it's all about having a good time. You have earned, and you are entitled to the unique, intense pleasures which come from responsible, creative SM play!

Goodbye 2013 - Hello 2014

So, another year has come and gone. Do we mourn it's passing? 2013 saw me fail in most of my New Years Resolutions. I did however manage to complete a few - Stop smoking in the house, drink more water and walk more. But a 20% achievement is not really success. However, I shouldn't despair as, according to Jessica Lamb-Shapiro, New Years Resolutions are bad for us... Very bad.

"For a better idea, look to the ancient Babylonians

 Everyone has a mental list of habits they would like to change, and the New Year seems like a perfect time to start. “New Year, new you” is a phrase you will see repeated in print. But this is just singsong rhetoric. Just because it sounds right to your ear does not mean that it contains any meaningful truth. The year will certainly change, but you will likely be the same person on Jan. 1, 2014, that you were on Dec. 31, 2013.

 The statistics are bleak: only 8% of people who make New Year’s resolutions stick to them, and those who don’t usually abandon them after just one week. Unrealistic resolutions are fated to fail. And it is unrealistic to think that you can immediately overcome a habit you have spent years establishing. But is this necessarily harmful? There’s a good chance that it is. If your New Year’s resolution is to eat less, but you have no plan in place — or even if you do have a plan and you fail — you will do damage to your sense of self-worth. If you already have a complicated relationship with food, your likely coping mechanism for failure is eating more food. Thus the New Year’s resolution to eat less can actually result in your eating more. Ditto drinking, drug use, smoking, finding a mate, exercising, etc.

 The practice of making resolutions itself dates back to ancient Babylon, who made promises to their gods for the New Year, often having to do with concrete, easily achievable tasks like vowing to return borrowed farm equipment. Now promises are made to ourselves and are primarily psychological in nature. With the threat of godly repercussion removed and more complex problems to solve, the odds of success are significantly reduced.

 
When you tie your behavioral change to a specific date, you rob yourself of an opportunity to fail and recover, to “fail better.” If you believe that you can only change on the New Year — the inherent message of New Year’s resolutions — you will have to wait a whole year before you get another shot.

 Just the act of making a resolution can make you feel temporarily better, enough that it obviates further action. Steve Salerno, author of Sham: How the Self-Help Movement Made America Helpless, says, “Do we all not know people who make the same resolutions year after year? Or maybe we are that person. My concern is that the resolution takes the place of the action, as is also true with so many millions of people who sign up for an endless succession of self-help programs: They think some magic words, some avowed promise, will magically transform their lives, when we all know that the real transformational work is tough, grueling, and usually involves sacrifice and unpleasant choices.”

 A further danger is that an addiction or chronic problem can be transferred to the pursuit of self-help. Salerno explains, “We are a culture that is addicted to resolutions and affirmation and rosy rhetoric … and meanwhile nothing actually changes. The addiction to resolutions and affirmations replaces the original addiction or chronic problem.”

 Here’s a better idea. Instead of listing an abstract goal like “lose weight,” think of specific small steps you can take, every day, that will have the same result. If you fail at any of these small steps — which you inevitably will — brush it off, and realize that failure and recovery is part of any process. Don’t tie your list to any specific date, and don’t wait a year to start again when you slip up. Or do as Puritan American theologian Jonathan Edwards did and compile a list of 70 resolutions, to be reviewed every week. (Preferably ones that include exceptions: “Resolved, never to speak evil of any, except that I have some particular good call for it.”) And if any of you have borrowed farm equipment this year, you’ve got an easy place to start."

Jessica Lamb-Shapiro: Why New Year's Resolutions Are Bad for You | TIME.com http://ideas.time.com/2013/12/30/new-years-resolutions-are-bad-for-you/#ixzz2p0UFqRko 

For this year, I have decided to make my list short - very short and practical.
Here it is:

Read more - I have chosen 5 books I must read:

Travel more: Every year I make a list of places I really want to visit, every year something cums up and I postpone it.... I will try again this year!

3 places I want to visit: 

South Africa

United States of America

Italy

Work More: Well, it's not like I don't work a lot, but I would love to expand and work in other dungeons, with other Dommes and possibly in other Countries....

Socialise more: Yes, I'm a real bore sometimes and I've noticed over the years that sitting on the sofa watching tv has become a prefered pastime - this has to stop! I must get a social life. 2014 is the year I hope I will go out and socialise more.

And that's all folks...Guaranteed I will only manage 1 or 2 of these, but, it's better than 0!

Good luck with your resolutions! You are more than welcome to add yours here and come back in 365 days to see how you did.