Your prince is out there, seeking you, hungering for you,
wondering where you are. But crouching between you and him are dozens of frogs
and trolls. A few of these are even handsome and wellspoken. And you must wade
through them, trying not to get slimed or bitten, before reaching your eventual
partner.
Just how are you to discern a poser from a dependable,
balanced dominant gentleman? A man with the qualities described in What to Look
For ...? You can't see into the past, or read minds, so you have one method of
discrimination before you take the risk of investing trust in a prospect:
inquisition—you ask him a ton of questions.
It's one of the hardest chores for many submissive women.
After encountering a gent she feels intrigued by, she must—although her sub
side may already desire his direction—play detective.
Many single subs overlook this phase, and expose themselves
to unsavory characters claiming BDSM expertise after a brief online
correspondence or phone conversation. Single sub friends of mine have had bad
experiences that they might have avoided had they vetted dom candidates more
carefully. One was physically mistreated on a first date, another was stalked
and had her car ransacked. Thankfully I don't hear such stories that often.
Here then are some tips on the art of investigation...
Be sweet but skeptical. There are relatively few quality,
single, monogamous doms in the world. An awful lot of the socalled doms you're
likely to turn up (especially on kink sites) are insincere and/or unsafe. Don't
give a stranger the benefit of the doubt! Don't grant him more trust than he's
earned.
Present your questions as expressions of interest. Your
objective is information, but let him see that you're intrigued by him and want
to know all about him. And proceed at a relaxed pace, making space for him to
query you about things.
Start with instant messaging, from an anonymous webmail
account. I like Gmail, as it keeps chat logs. IM is interactive, and you can
tell something about the guy from the speed and clarity of his answers.
However, plain email may work better than IM via phone, since typing on a tiny
screen is slow and error prone.
Make phone calls without callerID. When ready to continue
the discussion by phone, make a talk appointment, and place the call yourself,
so you can hide your number. From the United States, dial *67 (*mp, think
"my privacy") and then his number. Or use Google Talk, Skype, etc.
Re ask important questions a few times, over time. Many
people feel comfortable lying to strangers. Liars frequently don't remember
exactly how they answered questions previously, so you'll hear inconsistent
responses.
Watch out for B.S. Politely disengage if the guy says any
of:
- Address me as sir/master/daddy/etc. [that comes later]
- You ask too many questions to be a genuine sub.
- I'm the Dom; I'll decide what to reveal and when.
- That question has no bearing on my relationship with you.
- Well I really don't blah blah blah... [evasiveness]
Ask about relationships. The most important material you can
unearth is his relationship history. Does he say good things about the girls,
or does he blame them for things? Some of the topics:
What have been your most significant relationships?
For each one:
- How did you meet?
- When did it end?
- How long did it last?
- Why did it end?
- Are you still friendly, if not why?
- What did you love about that relationship?
- What about it didn't work for you?
- What are the three most valuable things you learned from it?
- What were the three hardest moments during it?
- What were the three best moments?
- How did you wish she was different?
- How did she wish you were different?
- What were your biggest mistakes of that relationship?
- Have you ever met another girl without your partner knowing?
- What are your expectations of a partner?
- What behaviour by a partner most pleases or thrills you?
- What behaviour by a partner most upsets or frustrates you?
- What are your biggest issues/vulnerabilities in life?
- How have those surfaced in recent relationships?
Ask about kinks. You need to know if you have kinkcompatibility.
Topics:
- What are your most important kinks?
- How often do you need them?
- Do you enjoy vanilla sex?
- What are the five most intense kinky things you've done?
- How did you do aftercare in those cases?
- When have you pushed a partner too far?
- How did you deal with those times?
- What are your thoughts on safewords?
- What are your hard limits?
- Have you seen a partner subdrop?
- how did you deal with it?
- Have you made rules for a sub?
- What are some examples?
- How have you punished a sub for breaking rules?
- Have you read howto books or taken classes on BDSM?
Ask about deal breakers. Most people have relationship needs
they're unwilling to compromise on. Find out what his are. And discover whether
he's compatible with yours! Also don't entertain the fantasy that either of you
can change the other to solve deal breaker issues.
Ask about friends and family. His relationships with people
other than ex partners may be telling.
- Who are your closest friends?
- How often do you see them?
- How do you spend time with them?
- If you have siblings, are you close with them?
- How do you spend time with them?
- Do you have nieces or nephews?
- Are you close with your parents?
- What do you like/dislike about them?
Reconfirm the basics. You may think you already know the
answers to these, but verify what you know.
- How old are you?
- What are your height & weight?
- Are you married/separated/divorced/single?
- Are you seeing anyone?
- Are you polyamorous?
- Do you have any children?
- Are you employed, and in what field?
- Do you live alone?
- Do you have pets?
- How often and how much do you drink?
- Do you smoke or do any drugs?
- Do you have any history with the law/courts?
- Do you own any firearms?
Make up your own questions. There's zillions of other things
you'll want to know about a prospective partner, for your own reasons. Ask
away!
Be patient. Take the time and care necessary to get to know someone,
on many facets of his personality, before you put your wellbeing in his hands.
Avoid being sucked in by D/s Gravity. Don't be afraid to back up or walk away
if it doesn't feel right to you. And be persistent; don't let the frogs get you
down.
http://thejourneyofwill.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/howtointerviewdommasterprospect.html
