A list of online resources for transgender people, their family and friends. -update

A list of online resources for transgender people and their family and friends

Culture and community

TransUnite

www.transunite.co.uk

The site is run by volunteers and a not for profit organisation We are the most up to date resource for the UK and online based support groups; users can find a local group and even message them directly from our site using the "Contact Group" button. We don't store any details and the site is secured by SSL.

We're verifying and adding groups on an ongoing basis with our next focus being online groups with Discord Servers, Telegram and Facebook groups becoming increasingly popular to compliment those that meet up in person.

The Angels

angelsforum.co.uk

Forum 'supporting the TG community'.

Club Wotever

woteverworld.com

A London bar space for trans, queer, LGBT people and their friends, with an emphasis on queer/trans performance.

Deep Stealth Productions

deepstealth.com

Founded by Calpernia Addams and Andrea James, Deep Stealth strives for positive media representation of trans people.

Gendered Intelligence

genderedintelligence.co.uk

Creative workshops, arts programmes, conferences and youth group sessions.

Meta

pocketmags.com

'A unique digital magazine which brings you the very best of trans and genderqueer news, advice and entertainment'.

Sparkle

sparkle.org.uk

The 'national transgender celebration' which takes place in Manchester every year.

Trans Media Watch

transmediawatch.org

Aims to combat prejudiced or sensationalist media reporting of trans issues, and offer advice to people or organisations.

Transfabulous

transfabulous.co.uk

Former London-based organisation devoted to transgender performance art, with an interesting archive.

Transfriendly

transfriendly.co.uk

Online forum for the trans community.

Female-to-male (FtM)

FTM International

ftmi.org

A comprehensive website for the female-to-male community, offering information about healthcare, law, events and family support.

FTM Network

ftm.org.uk

A British-based site acting as a friendship/support group for FtM transgender and transsexual people.

FTM Resource Guide

ftmguide.org

For trans men and friends, with tips on hormones, grooming, clothing, surgery and more.

FtM UK

ftmuk.net

UK-based FtM lifestyle forum.

Original Plumbing

originalplumbing.com

US magazine 'dedicated to the sexuality and culture of FtM trans guys'.

TransGuys

transguys.com

'The internet's magazine for transgender men'.

History and politics

The Empire Strikes Back

actlab.utexas.edu

Trans woman Sandy Stone's spirited rebuttal of Janice Raymond's book The Transsexual Empire (1979). This essay is one of the key texts of the 90s trans rights movement.

Genderqueer Revolution

genderqueerrevolution.org

For people beyond gender binaries.

Gender Variance Who's Who

zagria.blogspot.co.uk

'Essays on trans, intersex, cis and other persons and topics from a trans perspective'. Includes plenty of further reading, with a list of international trans resources.

Intersex UK

intersexuk.org

Committed to human rights for intersex people.

Just Plain Sense – The Trans Tapes

blog.plain-sense.co.uk

Interviews by Christine Burns with a variety of trans people.

Press For Change

pfc.org.uk

Political lobbying and educational organisation campaigning for equality and human rights for British trans people through legislation and social change. The original website is archived here.

Sylvia Rivera Law Project

srlp.org

US-based organisation seeking to raise the voices of marginalised trans people.

Trans London

translondon.org.uk

London discussion group.

Transgender Day of Remembrance

gender.org

Observed every 20 November to commemorate victims of transphobic violence.

Women Born Transsexual

womenborntranssexual.com

'For people who recognise transsexualism as an innate condition rather than a gender identity disorder'.

Medical services and healthcare

Charing Cross Gender Identity Clinic online support group uk.groups.yahoo.com

A discussion group for those who have used the Gender Identity Clinic at Charing Cross.

Mind OUT

lgbtmind.com

Service for LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender) people with mental health concerns.

National archives – Gender Identity

webarchive.nationalarchives.gov.uk

Department of Health documents relating to gender identity.

NHS Choices

nhs.uk

The NHS page on gender dysphoria, covering terminology, symptoms and treatment.

Trans Health

trans-health.com

Magazine covering health and fitness issues.

Transhealth UK

transhealth.co.uk

The London Gender Clinic, the UK's largest private service.

World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH)

wpath.org

Professional organisation devoted to 'the understanding and treatment of gender identity disorders'. Originally named after pioneering physician Harry Benjamin, WPATH produces the ethical guidelines and standards of care for professionals working with patients with gender identity issues.

Support groups and information

The Beaumont Society

beaumontsociety.org.uk

National self-help body run by and for those who cross-dress or are transsexual, and for their partners.

Clare Project

clareproject.org.uk

Brighton-based support group 'open to anyone wishing to explore issues around gender identity'.

Depend

depend.org.uk

Support group for families and friends of transsexual people in the UK.

Gender Identity Research and Education Society (GIRES)

gires.org.uk

Information for trans people, their families and medical professionals.

Gender Trust

gendertrust.wordpress.com

Organisation which supports adults whose lives are affected by gender identity issues, as well as families and employers of transsexual or transgender people.

Mermaids

mermaidsuk.org.uk

Family and individual support for teenagers and children with gender identity issues.

Scottish Transgender Alliance

scottishtrans.org

Support for trans people, equality organisations, policymakers and employers in Scotland.

Susan's Place

susans.org

A comprehensive collection of online transgender resources, allowing people to add links/information themselves.

Trans Resource & Empowerment Centre

transcentre.org.uk

Based in Manchester, with monthly meetings, talks and workshops.

Transgender Zone

transgenderzone.com

Comprehensive website including medical information, a guide to venues and opinion about transgender representation in the media for both MtFs and FtMs.

Transsexual Road Map

tsroadmap.com

An excellent free guide to process of transitioning, and the social issues around it.

Courtesy of Juliet Jacques guardian.co.uk, Thursday 29 November 2012

Mistresses, Madams and Super-Heroes

(Long Article)

La cérémonie

“Mistresses, Madams and Super-Heroes: The Rising Affection for the Dominatrix” 

In a previous publication, with the audience studies on-line research journal Participations, I listed a short range of stereotypes found in popular culture of practitioners in the BDSM ‘scene’ – BDSM referring to Bondage, Domination and Sadomasochism, a range of practices and lifestyles which are part of the playing out of narratives or scenarios of power exchange, both sexual and non-sexual, for the pleasure of all involved. These stereotypes I labelled: the Mature Dominatrix and her typical partner, the Young Male Sub; also the Vamp Dominatrix and the Public Authority Male Sub. The Mature Dominatrix is a sexually rapacious yet motherly figure, often from a working-class background, epitomised – or perhaps established in our imagination by – the great British madam, Cynthia Payne. Typically, this stereotype will be seen with her binary opposite, the naïve, weedy Young Male Sub who is humiliated by her admonishments and punishments. The Vamp Dominatrix is a more enchanting, sensational stereotype, she is younger and more attractive and is more likely to appear to be middle or upper class, or perhaps an exotic Other from France or Japan. She is far more dangerous in her practices than the Mature Dominatrix, and so is easily able to take in hand the Public Authority Male Sub in his more hard-core punishments. He requires, and can afford, relief from his important role in society as judge, politician, senior police officer, and so forth. The Mature Dominatrix typically appears as part of a satirical comic episode or advertisement, and whilst the Vamp Dominatrix also appears in such an episode, the laugh is more on the Male Sub than on the dangerous female herself. It is not too hard to see that part of the popular consumption of these stereotypes, one of the things that allows them to be popular, is the satirising of the normative behaviour of the masculine male by causing him to submit to a dominant female. The submissive female does not conform to our sensibilities: the woman who wishes to submit to a dominant male, despite being in a role-played SM scenario may be regarded as setting back feminism about fifty years.

Today, I would like to move on from these stereotypes to explore representations of the Dominatrix in the context of representations of women, apply some key critical frameworks and highlight some other roles and environments in which she operates, sometimes under a very different guise. Very little is written about the Dominatrix as represented in the media, and what can be found is within relatively recent work that is principally concerned with the increase of ‘tough’ or ‘dominant’ roles for women in the movies from the 1980s onwards, and it is to some of these sources that I would like to turn before I propose a number of things.

No Pain, No Gain?

(Longer Article)

No Pain, No Gain? Therapeutic and Relational Benefits of Subspace in BDSM Contexts

Journal of Positive Sexuality, Vol. 3, November 2017 © 2017 Center for Positive Sexuality

Dulcinea Widener University

Abstract

The experiencing of subspace (i.e., an altered psychological, emotional, and/or physiological state) is somewhat common among individuals who identify as masochists and submissives within the Bondage and Domination/Dominance and Submission/Sadism and Masochism (or Sadomasochism) (BDSM; Connolly, 2006) community. Because the BDSM community has been historically vilified due to stereotypes reinforced by negative media exposure and inadequate education (Langdridge, 2006), relatively little is known about the phenomenon of subspace outside of the BDSM community. The occurrence of subspace tends to be a highly sought-after experience in BDSM interactions (known colloquially as “scenes”), therefore it stands to reason that an exploration of the concept could provide clarity regarding the motivations of BDSM practitioners and the benefits they might receive through BDSM interactions. To this end, this article includes a review of social science literature on BDSM interactions with three goals in mind: 1) to discuss the overarching commonalities that exist within the widely varying realm of BDSM interactions and activities; 2) to gain an understanding of the psychological and cognitive shifts (i.e., subspace) that some submissive BDSM practitioners experience during BDSM interactions; and 3) to explore the potential benefits of subspace that may be derived during consensual BDSM interactions. From an analysis of the literature, I conclude that achieving subspace during consensual BDSM interactions might result in a reduction of physical and emotional stress in the submissive partner, as well as heightened intimacy between participants.

Literature on the subject of the alternative sexual practices of bondage, dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism (referred to in this text as BDSM; for a broader explanation of these terms see Connolly, 2006) has historically pathologized BDSM practitioners by focusing on nonconsensual interactions that incorporate elements of sexual sadism or masochism as defined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders [(DSM); American Psychiatric Association (APA), 2013; Richters et al., 2008]. However, over the past two decades, researchers have increasingly considered BDSM desire and expression as an atypical but healthy variation that over 10% of the general population incorporates into their sexual repertoire (Langdridge & Barker, 2007; Masters et al., 1995; Richters et al., 2008), and that 30 to 60% fantasize about (Joyal, 2015; Joyal, Cossette, & Lapierre, 2015). BDSM practitioners are now understood as a cross-section of society with representation across race, age, education attainment, and socioeconomic status, as well as gender- and sexuality-related identifications (, 2013).

While many find it stressful and stigmatizing to identify sexually with a marginalized community (Weinberg, 2006), many BDSM practitioners experience benefits to embracing their sexual orientation or preferences (Williams, 2006). The current shift in clinical attitudes toward BDSM desire and expression may be seen as analogous to the historical classification of homosexuality as a mental illness, and the evolving perspective that same-sex desire represents a healthy form of self-expression (Drescher, 2010; Landridge & Barker, 2007). Recent studies in the realm of BDSM encourage us to shift our thinking about BDSM as a “recreational leisure” activity (Wismeijer & van Assen, 2013, p. 2). Research has explored aspects of the practice, such as motivations (Barker, 2007), demographics (Richters et al., 2008), and variations of experience (Weinberg, 2006), though little attention to date has been paid to specific therapeutic benefits of BDSM interactions. Researchers have suggested that BDSM interactions are motivated by a desire to explore and expand sexual experience (Newmahr, 2008), to release feelings of pressure or guilt (Weinberg, 2006), or to achieve the highly sought-after transcendental state of subspace (Rinella, 2013). Though entering subspace is an aspect of BDSM expression that is regarded as desirable by many BDSM practitioners, it has received little attention in the literature (Newmahr, 2008; Rinella, 2013; Williams, 2006). Through an interpretive phenomenological analysis (IPA ) of the literature, I will offer a definition of the phenomenon of subspace, and I will explore the varying means of achieving subspace, as well as the associated benefits of this type of altered state of consciousness.

Subspace Defined

BDSM and the Right to Autonomy

Hot for Kink, Bothered by the Law: BDSM and the Right to Autonomy - Canadian Bar Association

"The things that seem beautiful, inspiring, and life-arming to me seem ugly, hateful and ludicrous to most other people. This may be the most painful part of being a sadomasochist: this experience of radical difference, separation at the root of perception. Our culture insists on sexual uniformity and does not acknowledge any neutral differences — only crimes, sins, diseases, and mistakes.”

Written almost thirty years ago, Pat Calia’s diagnosis of society’s sexual chauvinism still applies in Canada to the more hardcore forms of BDSM (Bondage-Discipline-Sado-Masochism, referred to broadly as “kink”), in practice and in pornography. While there are no laws that explicitly target BDSM activities or representation, Canadian courts have concluded that sex deemed too risky or rough can be criminalized under assault-related provisions, and sexual representation that is deemed “violent”, “degrading” or “dehumanizing” can be criminalized under obscenity provisions. In both cases, consent to the activities does not immunize the practice or the porn from criminalization. The ostensible explanation for this interference with our sexual autonomy is harm reduction. And yet our culture tolerates a wide variety of risky and injurious non-sexual activities, from mixed martial arts to elective cosmetic surgery, while circulating a wide variety of brutal imagery and violent stories, from extreme horror films to depictions of genuine torture and killing.

What might account for this hypocrisy?

Full article below: 

Mistress Leyla

Welcome to My blog. I try to promote, write and publish content relevant to BDSM and issues relating to the scene. I wanted this blog to be more than just a place to write kink related stories, but to touch on issues relevant and offer a go-to place for advice, articles and sometimes controversial issues.

A little about myself. I have been a practicing Professional Domme for over 10 years. I am active in many communities and have a wide interest in the essence of BDSM - mind, body and soul. And I firmly believe the qualities in a good Mistress are many and varied. These qualities are attributed to the person. There are many in the scene who do not understand the difference between being dominant and being domineering. A domineering person is overbearing, aggressive, loud and tyrannical. They control through oppression and enforce their will without consequence. This is not who I am.

I am always looking for people who would like to contribute to this blog, so, if you have an article you'd like to post, please do get in touch.

As a slave you are....

Sissy Maxine and the Master

I arrive at the hotel after answering the Craig’s List ad for sissies desiring a Master to teach and train them in the ways of sissiness… 

I knock and hear muffled voices as I enter. 

"Hi, I am Bob and these are my assistants Bunny and Laura. They will lead you into the bathroom to remove your clothing and help me with your first lesson." I enter the bathroom and undress, standing completely naked before Bunny and Laura, who are incredibly sexy, and as they take off their lingerie, I focus on their voluptuous breasts, and then out pops their cocks. As I begin to protest, Bunny grabs my balls and squeezes as Laura covers my mouth with a cloth filled with ether or chloroform. Everything gets hazy and I blackout.

Power and Agency in the Dungeon: Exploring Feminist Understandings of BDSM

Rachel E. Perry

 16 May 2014

Power and Agency in the Dungeon: Exploring Feminist Understandings of BDSM

Introduction

Though BDSM is often regarded as a controversial, taboo practice, it nonetheless has increasingly made its way into mainstream media over the past several decades. Indeed, marketing campaigns have used sadomasochistic-themed advertisements to sell everything from cigarettes to clothing, and E.L. James’s Fifty Shades trilogy has achieved international fame. Because it touches on questions of consent, agency, and power, BDSM has continued to be a site of contention within feminism, and it is for this reason that a more comprehensive exploration of its nuanced nature is appropriate. 

I use BDSM as the shortened acronym for bondage/domination, domination/submission, and sadism/masochism. The latter, S/M (sexual pleasure through giving or receiving physical pain), tends to be the more controversial practice of the above definition, so I often employ this term to emphasize the pain aspect of BDSM. Finally, kink refers more generally to sexual preferences of a non-normative nature. Some practitioners are casual players, while others consider themselves much more serious enthusiasts, investing in large collections of toys, attending conventions, and networking with other players. In all, the BDSM community is incredibly diverse, a feature which must be kept in mind when making generalizations about the sexual subculture.

While not wanting to oversimplify this complex debate, I begin by outlining and evaluating the two principal, conflicting perspectives regarding BDSM, which can be structured very basically as “radical” versus “pro-sex.” A postcolonial theoretical framework elucidates how neither of these views sufficiently acknowledges the multifaceted, often contradictory, nature of BDSM. After assessing the dominant voices within this debate, I shift to a more focused case study of commercial BDSM to examine feminist questions of agency and power, ultimately drawing from Butler’s notion of parody to show that BDSM has the potential to resist the oppressive, gendered ways that power operates by revealing the very constructedness of those normative gender relations.

Framing the Theoretical Debate: “Radical” and “Pro-Sex” Feminists

Often referred to as “radical” feminists, this group has been especially vocal in their questioning of and opposition to commercial sex. Andrea Dworkin, for instance, claims that pornography is systematic harm to all women, asserting that it “crushes a whole class of people through violence and subjugation” by creating “a sexual dynamic in which the putting-down of women, the suppression of women, and ultimately the brutalization of women, is what sex is taken to be.”¹ Taking advantage of their highly taboo nature, she utilizes vivid images of SM/fetish porn in an attempt to prove her point about the dehumanizing violence that is pornography. Indeed, if vanilla pornography is systematically hurtful to women, then BDSM porn, by extension, is even more blatantly damaging. Because it exaggerates power relations and sexualizes the infliction of pain, S/M, in this conceptualization, is dangerous because it creates the impression that all sex is brutal and oppressive toward women.

Similarly, Kathleen Barry denounces the structural violence that she believes is inherent in prostitution. She argues that “[w]hen the human being is reduced to a body, objectified to sexually service another, whether or not there is consent, violation of the human being has taken place.”² Depicting the ways in which women are reduced to their bodies, while men are not, Barry is clearly concerned with the negative effect that prostitution supposedly has on the frequency with which rapes are committed. Expanding on this line of thinking, sex work that specializes in SM/kink is especially exploitative because it reproduces and commercializes oppressive gender relations. Even professional dominatrices, who take the dominant role in BDSM interactions with submissive men³, are nevertheless involved in a troubling practice because it ultimately reinforces violence and gender hierarchies. Though seemingly paradoxical, the argument follows that women who sell sadomasochistic services, even when they play the role of the ‘pro-domme,’⁴ are reinforcing patriarchal domination because the ostensibly submissive men are still in control of the transaction. In this view, then, pornography and prostitution, especially when sadomasochism is involved, are inherently abusive because of the structural, systematic harm they levy against all women.

Humiliation? Degradation? Or embarrassment?

An experienced Dominant once defined the difference in this way:  Embarrassment is something you do to yourself.   Humiliation is something that someone else does to you.   I’m still thinking about that one, but it’s an interesting way to compare the two.

Verbal Humiliation attacks a person’s humanity; that trait that we call pride.   Whether done in a hurtful manner or in a consensual format, it pokes fun at our dignity.   Telling a humiliating story about something a person has done or using words to cause a person embarrassment about something demonstrates that the Dominant has the power to make the submissive tolerate the situation.   The Dominant usually enjoys the display of power and the submissive enjoys the relinquishment of that power.

Physical Humiliation is about the same power exchange, but in a more obvious way.   A Dominant might demonstrate his power over her by making her wear something that she is not comfortable wearing, forcing her to display her body in a way that she is uncomfortable with, or do something that illustrates his ability to control her.   When giving a submissive an order to do something humiliating, be patient.   There is a period of time that is required for this to sink in.   She will likely take a few seconds to believe that you actually said what she thought you said, a few more seconds to convince herself that she must obey this order, and more time to summon up the courage to actually act on it.   

Many Dominants make the mistake of taking this inaction to mean that they have gone too far, and will often retract or soften the order in some way.   This robs the submissive of the opportunity to demonstrate her submission.   Be patient!   In the negotiation process, discuss how much resistance she is likely to have to acceptable humiliation and how to handle that resistance.   Make sure there is a safeword or safe statement that she can make to indicate that this is beyond her ability at the present time.

It is not necessary that anyone else actually witness the humiliation.   Sometimes, simply performing in front of the Dominant is humiliating enough.   Another option is to have the submissive perform a humiliating feat in private, while threatening to repeat it at some future point in public.   Just be careful not to threaten too often without actually following through on the threat.   Your credibility must be maintained.   Her anticipation of this future event will probably be as powerful as the actual event.   Good examples of public humiliation in the vanilla world might be having the submissive wear some clip, clamp, plug or bondage under her clothing while having dinner.   Although completely unseen, the presence of observers will probably cause fantasies of discovery.   A common ploy is to tell a submissive to leave the restaurant table, go to the ladies room and remove her panties.   

DELVING INTO DISCOURSE: DEVELOPING KNOWLEDGE OF BDSM

An article to read & Review

BDSM Is Not an Answer, So Embrace the Uncertainty

"In art, one must throw one’s life away in order to gain it."

Gustav Janosch – Conversations with Kafka (https://www.amazon.com/Conversations-Kafka-Second-Directions-Paperbook/dp/081121950X/)

I think there are many different motivations for seeking out BDSM play or a BDSM relationship dynamic:

• a drive to satisfy kinks or fetishes

• novelty

• escape from societal constraints

• sense of purpose

• a sense of completion from someone with complementary traits and I’m sure there are many other reasons.

I’m personally not self-aware enough to know what drives me to seek out M/s, SM and the variety of kinks I explore. It would be nice to understand it, but it is probably a complex mix of all of the above.

What I am aware enough to do is accept the attraction and harness it for personal growth.

EMBRACING FEAR AND UNCERTAINTY

American Tibetan Buddhist nun and teacher Pema Chödrön writes in When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times: (https://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Anniversary/dp/1611803438/)

"Fear is a universal experience. Even the smallest insect feels it. We wade in the tidal pools and put our finger near the soft, open bodies of sea anemones and they close up. Everything spontaneously does that. It’s not a terrible thing that we feel fear when faced with the unknown. It is part of being alive, something we all share. We react against the possibility of loneliness, of death, of not having anything to hold on to. Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth."

Is it Topping from the Bottom?

No-one is going to deny that Tops need feedback in a scene. This commonly includes the bottom communicating needs, discomfort and safety concerns. or communicating and processing their feelings in aftercare.

At the same time, a basic working definition of topping from the bottom might be: “an attempt by the bottom to steer play or the power exchange in a direction they want”.

The distinction might be clear to you, and I do think that each of us can make that distinction in our own encounters, but laying down firm boundaries between the two is difficult, and communicating to our partner where that boundary is is even more difficult.

In a scene, if a bottom were to say “I think that would feel more intense in bent over position than upright” is that feedback? In many people’s dynamic it is. Or is it an attempt to top? In many people’s dynamic it is.

IS THERE A CONSENSUAL AGREEMENT?

Drawing a boundary between feedback and topping from the bottom rests on an assumption that there is a mutual understanding of what communication we, personally, consider good or bad. Effectively, we are saying that topping from the bottom is communication that violates that agreement.

BDSM 101 QUIZ

Is it Topping from the Bottom?

Is it Topping from the Bottom?

No-one is going to deny that Tops need feedback in a scene. This commonly includes the bottom communicating needs, discomfort and safety concerns. or communicating and processing their feelings in aftercare. At the same time, a basic working definition of topping from the bottom might be: "an attempt by the bottom to steer play or the power exchange in a direction they want".

Is it Topping from the Bottom?

BDSM: Mental Health and the Issue of Consent

Consent is the important red line that exists between BDSM and abuse, and it is important that we see that such a line matters. It’s the basis for negotiating the distance and intimacies we allow when we let others approach our body, and our mind.

YOU OWN YOUR LINES OF CONSENT

There is a misconception that there is only one red line of consent, a kind of universal experience, but in the real world each individual will have their own red lines and ways of negotiating these. Some people see being hugged as a breach of consent, others hug strangers without giving it a second thought.

When you interact with others, you need to see your own red lines as well as your partner’s. You need to monitor both those lines and keep adjusting your actions accordingly, and that monitoring is continuous. What might be off limits at one time is not necessarily off limits at another time, what is no-go with one person might be OK with another, and any mind-altering substance (such as alcohol or drugs) can give a dangerous false sense of where the lines are and need to be carefully accounted for.

MENTAL HEALTH AND CONSENT

The interplay between mental health issues and consent affects who is responsible and how to form better negotiations.

Can BDSM be a form of therapy?

Can BDSM be a form of therapy? Is it therapeutic? What do we actually mean when we use the words “therapy” and “therapeutic”?

Therapy means different things to different people. For individuals dealing with mental illness, therapy can be akin to physiotherapy, except happening in the mind. We need to stretch the mind in a correct and suitable manner so our mind can function normally in daily life.

Therapeutic can also mean different things to different people, but many people use the word to refer to some kind of de-stressing process. Something that can leave us feeling energised, satisfied, relaxed and healing.

BDSM activities often involve power, violence, and behaviours that are outside of everyday normal activities. It provides a space for individual to engage in transgression that can unlock and free up repressed areas. Having access to a space of personal (emotional and physical) freedom can be therapeutic for some people.

Sadomasochistic practices, in particular, have been discussed as a kind of self-help, in the sense that they hold the potential to transform an individual by providing a window into his or her identity. Andrea Beckmann addresses these ‘transformative potentials’ (Beckmann, 2001: 80) of sadomasochistic activities in her study of practitioners of consensual SM in London; she makes the point that, for some individuals, SM provides a space that ‘allows for a more ‘‘authentic’’ (as founded on experience) relation to ‘‘self’’ and others.

(Beckmann, 2009: 91).” – (Lindemann, 2011) from Sage Journal

In BDSM as Therapy, Lindemann’s article in Sage Journal (linked to at the end of this article), the author outline four overlapping types of “therapeutic” experiences that may be discovered in the process of engaging with BDSM activities:

• as healthful alternatives to sexual repression
• as atonement rituals
• as mechanisms for gaining control over prior trauma
• and (in the case of ‘humiliation sessions’) as processes through which clients experience psychological revitalization through shame

The Vanilla vs. Kink Crossover

 Courtesy of:

When it comes to vanillas and kinksters there’s a real “us” and “them” attitude.  It’s like the Sharks and the Jets (Yes, I’m showing my age . . . and my love for musicals.  Quiet, or I’ll dance fight your ass.).   If you’re one you can’t be the other.  You should never let it be known you occasionally associate with the opposing side, right?  Look how badly that turned out for Tony and Maria.

It’s also assumed if you’re on one side you think the other is less than worthy.  Breaking it down to basic stereotypes, vanillas think kinksters are scary and weird. Kinksters think vanillas are unadventurous and boring.

I can’t tell you how many times a self identified vanilla has asked me, “How do I tell my partner I want some new things in bed?  I’ve never told them I like some light spanks and nibbles— even a hand on the throat sometimes.  I’d love for them to take charge a bit more and be more demanding. I also really enjoy role-playing.  But don’t think I’m into, like, *makes the face* BDSM or anything. All that crazy stuff is just too freaky for me!”

I’m not sure what most people think BDSM is?  Sawing people in half while wearing all leather?  Let’s examine a few “other side” observations about BDSM:

The Outfits 

Practicing BDSM does not require special clothing.  Yes, I’ve heard people say, “How silly would I look practicing S&M!? No one wants to see my muffin-top popping through a latex catsuit!”  Or “I wouldn’t mind taking charge a little bit, it could be fun— but there’s no way I’d even try kink because of those outlandish get-ups they wear!”

You can be naked, in work clothes, lingerie, jeans and a sassy sweater, a baseball uniform, a space suit– whatever you like!  The clothes in no way define the action.  Yes, the leather and whips are what we see in porn, magazines and on TV— that’s because it’s flashy (and hot to spank it to).  It’s also a stereotype.

Nope, I don’t want to see my muffin-top in a catsuit either and I can’t walk in heels to save my life– but I still practice BDSM.  I often do it in the ratty old nightgown I got from Old Navy.

The Acronym 

BDSM stands for Bondage & Discipline/Dominance & Submission/Sadism & Masochism.  It can be one or more of these things but for many it’s rarely all.

Sometimes do you like your lover to take charge, pin you up against the wall and give you direction?  That’s dominance and submission.

Do you like to give your partner a smack on the ass or hold them a bit tightly?  What about a little bite or nibble?  Have you ever left a little mark that’s visible the next day?  Sadism!  If you like receiving, that’s masochism.

Do you enjoy restraining your lover?  Pinning their hands behind their back or above their head?  Perhaps tying their wrists or ankles together with a scarf or tie?  Bondage!

If you have done any of these things, you are practicing elements of BDSM without even realizing it.

Also, kinky people do not necessarily like every kind of freaky activity under the sun (most don’t).  Just because you enjoy being tied up every once and a while does not mean you also have to like pain and vice versa.  If you are into the BD but not the SM you are still technically considered a practitioner of BDSM.  It’s a common misconception that people have to be into the B, the D, the S and the M to be considered kinky.

The Gear

Many assume you need to have expensive floggers, whips, ball gags and a “saw a person in half machine” to effectively practice BDSM.  Have you ever used a scarf or tie to blindfold a partner?  Yes? Then you’ve engaged in sensory deprivation on a dime!

Use that same scarf or tie to restrain their hands or feet— we’re back to bondage again.  What about that French maid costume from three Halloweens ago you got out that one night to surprise your partner just for kicks?  Sexual roleplay!

You can even grab some clothes pins out of the laundry room for impromptu nipple clamps.  While you’re in the laundry room, grab the clothes line rope too— it’s great for restraint.  Even something as simple as a wooden kitchen spoon makes a wonderful paddle.

Whether you’ve used these items in a vanilla setting “once just for fun” or intended to use them for sinister and mysterious (that’s sarcastic) BDSM, you’ve discovered pervertables!  Pervertables are common household items repurposed as sexy/kinky accessories.  With pervertables you can get your kink on for little to no money.  Many of us, vanilla and kinky alike, have used pervertables (think cucumbers or  that phallic shaped shampoo bottle that was popular in the 90s. Uh huh. You know you did.).

The only piece of gear you must have to practice kink is your mind.  They always say the greatest (vanilla) sexual organ is the brain— the same goes for kinky sex.  All you really need is your imagination and creativity.

Public Play 

“BDSM sounds sort of interesting but I just can’t do it.  I can’t have sex in front of people or go to kinky parties! Also, I’m in a happy monogamous relationship, I can’t do that with other people—EW! That is just NOT my thing!”

Yes, some kinksters do go to parties, play publicly and play with multiple partners even if they are in a committed primary relationship.  Those folks are only a small piece of the pie, however.  There are scores of people who identify as kinky but only share that with their partners.  They don’t belong to internet groups, go to parties or shout it from the rooftops.  We’re not sure how many of those are out there but I’m willing to bet it’s quite a few.  Then add to that the people who are kinky who don’t realize they are (the “I’m into hair pulling, spanking and I occasionally like to go in the bathtub and pee on my partner but I’m not into any of that freaky BDSM stuff or anything” types).  See where I’m going with this?

Public players are usually very dedicated to their sexy hobby.  They also aren’t afraid to tell everyone about it.  These folks have blogs dedicated to kink, join BDSM social groups and websites, they are even the people writing the BDSM books.

Just because the public kinksters have the loudest mouths, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are an accurate representation of the entire kinky pie.

Think of public kinksters as the crisscross patterned golden crust everyone sees on the surface of the pie— but what about the hidden sweet filling?

Much of that pie filling is comprised of private players.  These are your neighbors who like to get their freak on alone in their bedroom once a month when the kids are away on a Cub Scout sleepover.  It’s your roommate who told you one night after a few beers they prefer lovers who are rough, commanding and pull on their hair.  It might even be you.  Many of these pie filling people don’t even realize they are kinky!

But how could that be?  How can someone not know they are practicing BDSM?  Well, namely because there really is no “US and THEM,” a least not in a clear-cut sense.  When it comes to vanilla vs. kink activities there’s a huge crossover.

Break it down like this, for instance . . .

Vanilla acts =  Regular intercourse, oral sex, kissing, light touching, giggling, etc.

Kinky acts = Spanking, retraining, biting/nibbling, telling someone what to do/doing as told, pain (hair pulling, squeezing, pinching, etc), role-playing, using toys, etc.

Most of us, self identified kinky or vanilla, engage in activities from both categories during play.  I’m kinky but I still engage in intercourse, oral sex and pretty much everything from the vanilla list.  I can guarantee a large percentage of the vanilla folks dig some of the stuff on the kinky list also.

When it comes to sexual/intimate activities we can’t agree on what is kinky or vanilla.  To some sex toys are kinky but to others they are commonplace.  On which list would you put anal sex?  69?  Cumming on someone’s face?  Tickling? Calling your partner a “good little whore?” Pinching nipples very hard? It’s all subjective.

The writing of this blog post was inspired by the mental image of a Venn diagram that popped into my head randomly a few nights ago.  I’ve drawn it out for you.  Forgive me for using MS Paint. Part of my brain still lives in 1997.

On the vanilla side we can include basic activities like kissing, snuggling and missionary position sex with the lights out.  The kink side would clearly include some of the more extreme things such as play piercing/blood play, scat and perhaps clown sex.

But again, this is all subjective.  I can’t really put electric play in the Kink category because housewives of middle America are currently loving the Jopen Intensity vibrator/kegel exerciser. That toy is marketed to the mainstream but operates based on the same principles as a TENS unit (usually associated with BDSM).  These vanilla ladies are receiving the exact same sensation as they would from an insertable BDSM electric device but they’d never guess!

So what’s the point?  Simply, stop playing “Us and Them.” Pointing the finger at others prevents us from experimenting, growing and discovering what we enjoy sexually.  It ultimately keeps us from being happy.

If I’m into BDSM and I feel like having a slow, tender vanilla lovemaking session I should be able to tell my partner I want that without fearing they’ll think I’ve lost my edge.  If I’m vanilla and have been longing for my lover yank me by the hair and give my ass a good smack, I should be able to ask for that without being afraid they’ll think I’m a weirdo.  It’s not about living up to yourself proclaimed label, it’s about doing what feels right.

Your task: ask your lover to try out that thing you’ve been thinking about but we’re too afraid to bring up for fear they’d think it was out of character for you.  You might find it’s easier than you imagined to delve into some of those things you always thought would remain just a fantasy.

Sunnymegatron: - Posted on 30 July 2012 

http://sunnymegatron.com/postname/kink-2/

THE RULES OF ETIQUETTE as written by a submissive client

Introduction This article should help submissives - especially new submissives - to make a good (first) impression when visiting a professional Domina and to establish a trouble-free relation afterwards. Based on my experiences about the poor quality of some calls many Pro-Dommes received and their reaction afterwards I’m convinced that in this case, more information is better than less Information as thoroughness is important here. Simply because one can make still mistakes even if one is respectful and polite when communicating with a Domina. Essential information before all communication 

• Professional Femdom is not prostitution; Pro-Dommes are not prostitutes. If you are looking for sexual activities never and under no circumstance contact a Pro-Domme. The same goes if you are looking for any kind of intimate worship or nudity (including topless) on her part.

Morally problematic, socially divisive, and legally suspect: devotees of BDSM

Morally problematic, socially divisive, and legally suspect: devotees of BDSM

[Bondage-Discipline, Domination-Submission, or Sadism-Masochism] are often treated as the problem children of sexual ethics. This essay is my apology, or defense, for BDSM, which I shall argue can satisfy criteria for mutually respectful erotic interaction but also provokes legitimate ethical concerns within a diverse, complex world. I do not presume to offer a comprehensive discussion of BDSM, to address every ethical issue related to its practice, or to speak for the experience or position of every BDSM identity. Several aspects of my intellectual, social, and personal background–including my transcendental idealism, my feminism, and my BDSM orientation–inform and motivate my account.

As a transcendental idealist, whose philosophy is influenced by J. G. Fichte, I claim that mutually respectful erotic interactions provide a natural milieu–wherein human beings cultivate their ability for reciprocal influence by expressing desires guided by both feeling and reason–that facilitates social, and ult imately moral, consciousness. As a socially and politically conscious woman, whose ethics is colored by the second and third waves of feminism, I think that social and political justice entails advocating women’s efforts to determine, improve, and value their gendered existence, including their diverse,

1             In this essay, I presume the truth of various particulars about BDSM, which my individual experience, other subjective reports, and empirical study support, but I am open to discussion and dispute of these particulars insofar as BDSM has been mostly excluded from theoretical, empirical, and literary discourse. The attached bibliography (which was distributed to participants in the “Good Sex, Bad Sex” conference ) includes some literature that has influenced (but not determined) my account and that offers a starting place for readers interested in BDSM.

2             In this essay, I presuppose the legitimacy of my intellectual, ethical, and personal positions, but I am open to discussion and dispute of these positions insofar as I am always in the process of developing and refining my views. The attached bibliography includes some literature that underpins my perspectives on sexual ethics as a philosopher, woman, and individual.  unique sexual experiences. As an individual, whose erotic identity is inseparable from BDSM, I believe that BDSM activity is integral to my personal and human welfare. Section One: Misconceptions and Conceptions of BDSM

I would like to offer a rudimentary conception–and counter some basic misconceptions–of BDSM. BDSM encompasses a multipl icity of erotic inclinations, interests, and behaviors, which may include: corporal or behavioral restraints (e.g. bondage and discipline); bodily or emotional control (e.g. domination and submission); physical or mental pain (e.g. sadism and masochism). Erotic partners may engage in topping [relatively giving, active] roles or in bottoming [relatively receiving, passive] roles within particular erotic interactions. These interactions may be fantastical, theatrical, visual, or aural, or they may be concrete, actual, tactile, or corporeal, but in either case, they elicit a gamut of diverse feelings that vary widely in intensity.

BDSM interactions do not typically entail males harming females, adults molesting youngsters, or culturally central, socially powerful individuals exploiting culturally marginal, socially powerless individuals. Participants are generally consenting adults of similar cultural and social background. Tops and bottoms may be hetero-males, hetero-females, gays, lesbians, bisexuals, or transsexuals. Tops are not usually socially domineering, psychologically sadistic personalities and bottoms are not usually socially submissive, psychologically masochistic personalities. Outside of specific erotic contexts, few BDSM participants enjoy inflicting or enduring restraint, control, or pain. Relative to the range of actual sexual practice, participants rarely experience extraordinary sexually-related emotional distress, psycho-social dysfunction, or ethical conflict.

Section Two: Reciprocal Consent, Concern, and Desire

Reciprocal consent, concern, and desire are criteria for mutually respectful sexual interaction, which BDSM can meet. Mutual respect requires that sexual partners give explicit, or at least implicit, expression of their voluntary participation in a particular interaction. Additionally, it demands that each exhibits concern for the other’s human and personal interests within that interaction. Finally, it compels that both show erotic desire for the other within that interaction.

Are there 3 major categories of BDSM?

Three Major Categories of “BDSM”          By Ryder, dominantguide.com   June 27th, 2016

When starting to look at all that falls under the “BDSM” umbrella, one starts to notice that there are so many things that can be included. It can be overwhelming when you realize that intricate rope art, ABDL (adult baby/diaper lovers), Dominants and submissives, and people who long for blood play all exist in the same world. It is really beautiful when you are lucky enough to experience how the BDSM community gathers such a broad range of interests and everybody gets along and supports one another. But one of the struggles along the way, particularly for newcomers, is the thought that, “Well wait up. I am not remotely into that, do I even belong here?” as well as the dreaded “One True Way” issue. We’ve all seen it before. You read online that one Dominant teaches their submissive positions to be commanded so that becomes “the way.” Or the notion that all power exchange dynamics need to include punishment. Or all submissives should be naturally masochistic. Or Dominants can’t be bottoms.

This is ridiculous.

There is absolutely no one true way to “BDSM.”

I want to break down the three major categories of what BDSM includes based on what my experience has been.

Three major categories. SM. Kinky sex. Power Exchange.

SM: Sadism is “the tendency to derive pleasure, especially sexual gratification, from inflicting pain, suffering, or humiliation on others.”Masochism is “the tendency to derive pleasure, especially sexual gratification, from one’s own pain or humiliation.” Sado-masochisitc activity is often referred to as a scene or play. It typically involves a designated Top and bottom, indicating who is doing what. The 

Top is the one in charge of deciding what is happening in the scene. The bottom is the one on the receiving end of the Top’s decisions. And in the definitions you can start to see how varied SM can be. Deriving either pleasure or sexual gratification or both of those, from any or all of pain or suffering or humiliation. Examples of SM would involve anything falling under the pain (emotional, mental, or physical) category. Impact play is one of the most common. Flogging, spanking, whipping, paddling, caning, etc. Also humiliation scenes, interrogation, some bathroom play if it causes pain. If it pleases somebody to be hurt in a way, or it pleases somebody to hurt someone in a way, it is 

included in the SM category.

Sex or power exchange is NOT a requirement.

Kinky Sex: If it is an “unconventional” sexual fetish fantasy, or concept. If it turns you on sexually, it falls under kinky sex. Being sexually attracted to xyz, being turned on by xyz, xyz getting your dick hard or panties wet. Of course xyz can be any number of alternative sexual preferences. The goal of this category is sexual gratification.

Pain or Power Exchange is NOT a requirement.

Power Exchange: Power Exchange is a relationship dynamic, even if that “relationship” is only for the duration of a scene. It involves two parties, one of them giving up agreed upon control and one taking said control from the other person. Examples of this are the many designations of “Dominance and submission,” including D/s itself, Master/slave, Caregiver/little, etc.

Pain or kinky sex is NOT a requirement.

You don’t have to be into more than one of these to be involved with the BDSM community. You do not have to be interested in all of them. Just one. One tiny piece of any one of these categories is all it takes to join in and include yourself. Sometimes the categories overlap for people. Sometimes not.

You can be into pain but not want to have sex after a spanking. Not want to give up control to your 

Top during the scene. That’s okay.

You can be turned on by sexualizing bimboification. You do not have to want to control every aspect of your partners life. You do not have to want to cause him/her pain. That’s okay.

You can be into control and want to live as Master/slave and have a completely vanilla sex life and never pick up a paddle. That’s okay.

You can do rope to cause/feel pain. You can do rope because it gets you wet. You can do rope to take control of another’s body. They’re all okay.

Your BDSM is your BDSM. Don’t ever let anybody else define it for you. Don’t ever believe that one way is the only way.

That said, there are some cornerstones of BDSM that all practitioners should follow.

Everything under all three categories should be done consensually on behalf of all parties involved.

Take time to have an open dialogue and proper negotiation before you engage in any of these categories.

Be aware of the risks that are associated with your kink and educate yourself on safety.

Other than that, the vast world of BDSM is your playground and you have a lifetime to figure out these divisions and their significance in your life. Take your time, trust your instincts, listen to other people’s kink with an open mind and accepting heart, and do what feels good to you.

Not what you read somewhere is supposed to feel good.

Hello world! A closet crossdressers first outing...

Hello world! This is my first post ever! Feel honoured (or ambivalent!) It's an exciting event for me at any rate. I've been a closet crossdresser for nearly 40 years but, like others for sure, culture and upbringing have made me hide who I am. It probably had something to do with my last relationship of over 10 years failing and since then I've withdrawn from the world as a male and started to explore my other half, as it were.

I recently started visiting a support group in girl mode (now that was truly scary) but have always managed to get there without being seen by many people. The group is wonderful but I probably didn't leave a very good first impression because I was concentrating on not hyperventilating. I was being seen!!! Suddenly everything was real and out in the open. A step forward but also a step that could never be undone. I was officially a crossdresser.

The group is mainly filled with transgendered people (please excuse the choice of terms, I don't really understand labels and therefore may not be using them correctly). But there is also a genetic woman  there who comes to provide support, encouragement and advice (Lady L, for the purposes of this blog). I think this was the cosmos finally throwing me a lifeline because without her I wouldn't be writing about the experiences I've had.

Lady L invited me to a performance at a fringe festival. With real people. Breathing people. Seeing people! Could I go? Was I ready for that? Would they be ready for me? I started to panic. I wanted to run. The head of the tortoise started to withdraw. So I said 'ok!'. Idiot. Way to go!

The day of the event was pretty much a blur. I did my makeup. Twice. I put on a blue dress (long sleeved because my arms are seen at work, so they still have hair, albeit trimmed and bleached, so arms don't really fit in either of my worlds), picked up my handbag and left. The trip to the car is always really traumatic but kept looking through my handbag as a walked away and hoped no-one would recognise me.

The risky business of BDSM?

RT travels to several BDSM dungeons to speak with pro-dommes and masters about the troubles their business faces in a recession.

From using devices most wouldn’t allow anywhere near their naked parts, to whipping, to humiliation on vacuum beds – welcome to BDSM.

“I get really turned on when I beat somebody, for sure," said professional dominatrix Julie Simone.

A practice enjoyed by some of the rich and powerful, looking to be punished for their bad deeds – in a sexier way.

Despite what some may think, BDSM is far from being a set of kinky games. Professionals have recently discovered that economic and social realities taking place in the U.S. get reflected in what clients ask for behind closed doors.

“The economy has given them some tough times, and they still want someone to whip them into shape. But with more of a softer hand,” said professional dominatrix Nina Payne. 

“Every time there is another Abu Ghraib or Guantanamo outbreak, we get people who want to be interrogated. Now it’s corporal punishment. Canes, rods. Punishment is called for! And now the same people are coming in asking to be caned,” said Master R, Head Master at La Domaine, a BDSM Chateau, about Wall Street bankers’ changing preferences.

No actual sex is performed.

“We are legally constrained from doing anything sexual. We always tell people, if you don’t like that, write your Congressman,” explained Master R.

Dungeons such as this one have a lot to offer.

“Hands can be cuffed by the side of the head. For people who come in here with a great deal of facial piercing, we can tie them up by their face,” said Master R showing one device to RT.

The Medieval transgender poem

I was reading through some of my favourite blogs and came upon this delightful gem. Although transgender issue did exist in medieval times, this is an enlightened poem by a 14th century Jewish philosopher. 

The story about a medieval  poem on  becoming your true gender.

Many of you will have met the following argument in the transgender debate:

Since crossdreaming and transgender identities are social constructs, they are most likely to be the end product of modern Capitalist society, the Patriarchy or something equally sinister -- an line of argument which will most likely lead to a discussion about sexualization and fetishes.

This impression is reinforced by the fact that historians and art scholars have had a tendency to ignore -- or outright censor -- the voices of gender variant people from other cultures and epochs.

As I pointed out in my blog post on  crossdreamers in the Kama Sutra, until recently all English translations of that work skipped the part about straight women dominating straight men, most likely because it was considered threatening to the world order or impossible to understand.

So a lot of work is needed in this field. I am confident that if we look, we will find crossdreamers and transgender people in all cultures and all periods of time. They lives will be expressed in different manners according to  local language and cultural framework (as they are today), but they will have this in common: A desire or a need to express or be recognised as their true gender or as a blend of the two.

A Medieval Poem About the Longing to Become a Woman

CD / TRANS SUPPORT GROUP

Post It Notes

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Anything for My Mistress. A BDSM session review

As I stood there with my mind running wild with what was about to happen, Mistress went about preparing the room behind me, making lots of noise, metal chains clanging, wire being pulled through, draws opening and closing. To humour Mistress as well she had a Guns n Roses CD on which happened to then start playing the song "Pretty Tied Up", much to her delight. After preparing the equipment, and then me (with ankle suspenders and a gag, as well as the reason for my nickname, my bell that goes round my cock), and asked me over to the bench.

Once to the bench Mistress asked me to lay on my back and then put my ankles up which she one-by-one attached to the suspender. At this point she then stepped back and started to raise me up bit by bit. This felt fine until it got to the point of actually going off the bench when on no longer being supported by it I panicked. It's hard to describe but the feeling of having nothing supporting you and then spinning around, all whilst upside down is a massive shock to the system and one its almost impossible to prepare for. All credit to Mistress who was amazing and brought the bench back to where my hands could hold it. This immediately helped calm me down, and after a bit of talking, breathing and getting used to the sensation the bench was removed, and there I was, dangling, naked, upside down in front of Mistresses mirror, an extremely surreal sight to see staring back at you. At this point Mistress tied my hands to the floor via rope, which it must be said makes you feel a lot more secure, but also meant now Mistress felt free to introduce some pain, firstly padding my ass and pulling my jingling cock, before getting some clips and attaching them to my nipples and then my balls.

At this point Mistress asked if I was ok to lose the tied hands, which I very much appreciated, my wellbeing and comfort in the scene was evidently paramount to her. I said yes and Mistress then added a blindfold to me to increase the experience. At this point she tried swinging me which again brought on the same weird feelings as earlier, but through talking we realised that swinging backwards and forwards was fine. Mistress now with this knowledge took full advantage of it, by swinging me backwards and forwards by my jingling balls. Then we moved on again, this time to tackling spinning. To do this Mistress spun me before I had to guess where I landed. Needless to say I was terrible at this and was wrong every time! Sometime during this one of the clamps had fallen off, though this as soon remedied with Mistress attaching it to my cock. Soon after all this it was time to come down.

The session blew my mind and I felt, as Mistress said she did, that I had come on miles. Just to keep me thinking about the next session though I was informed that next time Tinkerbelle is going to be dressed like Tinkerbelle...... oh the joys..... then again, anything for Mistress.

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New online version of BDSM Checklist

I have now created an online - fill in as you print - version of My checklist for new clients.

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