You’d think in Biblical times it was a
very male orientated world where us men were the masters of all we surveyed
and the poor ladies were but chattels for our use and abuse. How wrong you are.
The 7 sins here will amply demonstrate to even the most diehard feminist that
life in the good old days was no fun for us men at all.
1. Eating cheeseburgers is a sin!
Surely cheeseburgers weren’t around in the days of the Old
Testament? But here it is, written in black and white: Exodus 23:19,
“The first of the fruits of thy land thou shalt bring into the house
of the LORD thy God. Thou shalt not seethe a kid in his mother's milk.”
So no putting cheese on top of, inside of or even
underneath, the meat you sinner.
2. Hot dogs are out too!
Leviticus 11:8, on the subject of pigs,
"You shall not eat of their flesh nor touch
their carcasses; they are unclean to you."
What? No Walls bangers? The banning of the
British sausage (or any other country’s porcine produce) is a sin in itself. I’m
a self-confessed sossie lover in case you hadn’t guessed.
3. An all-time top-ten male fantasy is verboten!
Come on guys, we’ve all seen a mother and her daughter and
thought to ourselves, “Mmmmm…. Nice… The
two together… if only…”
Don’t. It’s a terrible sin as told to us in Leviticus 11:8, “Thou shalt not uncover the nakedness of a
woman and her daughter, neither shalt thou take her son's daughter, or her
daughter's daughter, to uncover her nakedness; for they are her
near kinswomen: it is wickedness.”
4. Leave the slaves alone!
Oh dear, another male fantasy bites the
Biblical dust; yes my friends, no hanky-panky with a female slave. Our old
friend Leviticus forbids it. 19:20, “If a man sleeps with a female slave who is promised to another man
but who has not been ransomed or given her freedom, there must be due
punishment.
Yet they are not to be put to death, because she had not been freed.”
Darn it, my imaginary sex life feels very deflated right
now. Think I’ll go get a haircut to
cheer me up. But wait…
5. Neat beards and pudding-bowl hairstyles
are not allowed!
Surely you can’t be serious – and don’t
call me Shirley. Tis true I’m afraid. You can guess who made this one up can’t
you? Leviticus 19:27, "You shall not round off
the side-growth of your heads nor harm the edges of
your beard."
Ah, hirsuteness in the head department is
required then. I’ll be throwing out my clippers and going for the Catweasel
look from now on. At least it won’t cover any tattoos.
6. Tattoos now a no-no! And knife play is a
sin too!
This is starting to get ridiculous. Where
on earth does the Bible ban tattoos? I’ll give you one guess: Leviticus 19:28,
"You shall not make any cuts in your body for
the dead nor make any tattoo marks on yourselves: I am
the Lord."
What’s a guy to do? I shall put my vast
intellect to use in reasoning out the answer but in the meantime there is still
one male fantasy left isn’t there?
7. Definitely no lesbian action!
We’ve moved on to the New Testament but life doesn’t get any
better. Romans 1:27, “And
likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their
lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and
receiving in themselves that recompense of their error which was meet.” Which
means, in modern English, no rumpy-pumpy or any other sexual girl-on-girl shenanigans
allowed.