The Vanilla vs. Kink Crossover

 Courtesy of:

When it comes to vanillas and kinksters there’s a real “us” and “them” attitude.  It’s like the Sharks and the Jets (Yes, I’m showing my age . . . and my love for musicals.  Quiet, or I’ll dance fight your ass.).   If you’re one you can’t be the other.  You should never let it be known you occasionally associate with the opposing side, right?  Look how badly that turned out for Tony and Maria.

It’s also assumed if you’re on one side you think the other is less than worthy.  Breaking it down to basic stereotypes, vanillas think kinksters are scary and weird. Kinksters think vanillas are unadventurous and boring.

I can’t tell you how many times a self identified vanilla has asked me, “How do I tell my partner I want some new things in bed?  I’ve never told them I like some light spanks and nibbles— even a hand on the throat sometimes.  I’d love for them to take charge a bit more and be more demanding. I also really enjoy role-playing.  But don’t think I’m into, like, *makes the face* BDSM or anything. All that crazy stuff is just too freaky for me!”

I’m not sure what most people think BDSM is?  Sawing people in half while wearing all leather?  Let’s examine a few “other side” observations about BDSM:

The Outfits 

Practicing BDSM does not require special clothing.  Yes, I’ve heard people say, “How silly would I look practicing S&M!? No one wants to see my muffin-top popping through a latex catsuit!”  Or “I wouldn’t mind taking charge a little bit, it could be fun— but there’s no way I’d even try kink because of those outlandish get-ups they wear!”

You can be naked, in work clothes, lingerie, jeans and a sassy sweater, a baseball uniform, a space suit– whatever you like!  The clothes in no way define the action.  Yes, the leather and whips are what we see in porn, magazines and on TV— that’s because it’s flashy (and hot to spank it to).  It’s also a stereotype.

Nope, I don’t want to see my muffin-top in a catsuit either and I can’t walk in heels to save my life– but I still practice BDSM.  I often do it in the ratty old nightgown I got from Old Navy.

The Acronym 

BDSM stands for Bondage & Discipline/Dominance & Submission/Sadism & Masochism.  It can be one or more of these things but for many it’s rarely all.

Sometimes do you like your lover to take charge, pin you up against the wall and give you direction?  That’s dominance and submission.

Do you like to give your partner a smack on the ass or hold them a bit tightly?  What about a little bite or nibble?  Have you ever left a little mark that’s visible the next day?  Sadism!  If you like receiving, that’s masochism.

Do you enjoy restraining your lover?  Pinning their hands behind their back or above their head?  Perhaps tying their wrists or ankles together with a scarf or tie?  Bondage!

If you have done any of these things, you are practicing elements of BDSM without even realizing it.

Also, kinky people do not necessarily like every kind of freaky activity under the sun (most don’t).  Just because you enjoy being tied up every once and a while does not mean you also have to like pain and vice versa.  If you are into the BD but not the SM you are still technically considered a practitioner of BDSM.  It’s a common misconception that people have to be into the B, the D, the S and the M to be considered kinky.

The Gear

Many assume you need to have expensive floggers, whips, ball gags and a “saw a person in half machine” to effectively practice BDSM.  Have you ever used a scarf or tie to blindfold a partner?  Yes? Then you’ve engaged in sensory deprivation on a dime!

Use that same scarf or tie to restrain their hands or feet— we’re back to bondage again.  What about that French maid costume from three Halloweens ago you got out that one night to surprise your partner just for kicks?  Sexual roleplay!

You can even grab some clothes pins out of the laundry room for impromptu nipple clamps.  While you’re in the laundry room, grab the clothes line rope too— it’s great for restraint.  Even something as simple as a wooden kitchen spoon makes a wonderful paddle.

Whether you’ve used these items in a vanilla setting “once just for fun” or intended to use them for sinister and mysterious (that’s sarcastic) BDSM, you’ve discovered pervertables!  Pervertables are common household items repurposed as sexy/kinky accessories.  With pervertables you can get your kink on for little to no money.  Many of us, vanilla and kinky alike, have used pervertables (think cucumbers or  that phallic shaped shampoo bottle that was popular in the 90s. Uh huh. You know you did.).

The only piece of gear you must have to practice kink is your mind.  They always say the greatest (vanilla) sexual organ is the brain— the same goes for kinky sex.  All you really need is your imagination and creativity.

Public Play 

“BDSM sounds sort of interesting but I just can’t do it.  I can’t have sex in front of people or go to kinky parties! Also, I’m in a happy monogamous relationship, I can’t do that with other people—EW! That is just NOT my thing!”

Yes, some kinksters do go to parties, play publicly and play with multiple partners even if they are in a committed primary relationship.  Those folks are only a small piece of the pie, however.  There are scores of people who identify as kinky but only share that with their partners.  They don’t belong to internet groups, go to parties or shout it from the rooftops.  We’re not sure how many of those are out there but I’m willing to bet it’s quite a few.  Then add to that the people who are kinky who don’t realize they are (the “I’m into hair pulling, spanking and I occasionally like to go in the bathtub and pee on my partner but I’m not into any of that freaky BDSM stuff or anything” types).  See where I’m going with this?

Public players are usually very dedicated to their sexy hobby.  They also aren’t afraid to tell everyone about it.  These folks have blogs dedicated to kink, join BDSM social groups and websites, they are even the people writing the BDSM books.

Just because the public kinksters have the loudest mouths, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are an accurate representation of the entire kinky pie.

Think of public kinksters as the crisscross patterned golden crust everyone sees on the surface of the pie— but what about the hidden sweet filling?

Much of that pie filling is comprised of private players.  These are your neighbors who like to get their freak on alone in their bedroom once a month when the kids are away on a Cub Scout sleepover.  It’s your roommate who told you one night after a few beers they prefer lovers who are rough, commanding and pull on their hair.  It might even be you.  Many of these pie filling people don’t even realize they are kinky!

But how could that be?  How can someone not know they are practicing BDSM?  Well, namely because there really is no “US and THEM,” a least not in a clear-cut sense.  When it comes to vanilla vs. kink activities there’s a huge crossover.

Break it down like this, for instance . . .

Vanilla acts =  Regular intercourse, oral sex, kissing, light touching, giggling, etc.

Kinky acts = Spanking, retraining, biting/nibbling, telling someone what to do/doing as told, pain (hair pulling, squeezing, pinching, etc), role-playing, using toys, etc.

Most of us, self identified kinky or vanilla, engage in activities from both categories during play.  I’m kinky but I still engage in intercourse, oral sex and pretty much everything from the vanilla list.  I can guarantee a large percentage of the vanilla folks dig some of the stuff on the kinky list also.

When it comes to sexual/intimate activities we can’t agree on what is kinky or vanilla.  To some sex toys are kinky but to others they are commonplace.  On which list would you put anal sex?  69?  Cumming on someone’s face?  Tickling? Calling your partner a “good little whore?” Pinching nipples very hard? It’s all subjective.

The writing of this blog post was inspired by the mental image of a Venn diagram that popped into my head randomly a few nights ago.  I’ve drawn it out for you.  Forgive me for using MS Paint. Part of my brain still lives in 1997.

On the vanilla side we can include basic activities like kissing, snuggling and missionary position sex with the lights out.  The kink side would clearly include some of the more extreme things such as play piercing/blood play, scat and perhaps clown sex.

But again, this is all subjective.  I can’t really put electric play in the Kink category because housewives of middle America are currently loving the Jopen Intensity vibrator/kegel exerciser. That toy is marketed to the mainstream but operates based on the same principles as a TENS unit (usually associated with BDSM).  These vanilla ladies are receiving the exact same sensation as they would from an insertable BDSM electric device but they’d never guess!

So what’s the point?  Simply, stop playing “Us and Them.” Pointing the finger at others prevents us from experimenting, growing and discovering what we enjoy sexually.  It ultimately keeps us from being happy.

If I’m into BDSM and I feel like having a slow, tender vanilla lovemaking session I should be able to tell my partner I want that without fearing they’ll think I’ve lost my edge.  If I’m vanilla and have been longing for my lover yank me by the hair and give my ass a good smack, I should be able to ask for that without being afraid they’ll think I’m a weirdo.  It’s not about living up to yourself proclaimed label, it’s about doing what feels right.

Your task: ask your lover to try out that thing you’ve been thinking about but we’re too afraid to bring up for fear they’d think it was out of character for you.  You might find it’s easier than you imagined to delve into some of those things you always thought would remain just a fantasy.

Sunnymegatron: - Posted on 30 July 2012 

http://sunnymegatron.com/postname/kink-2/

THE RULES OF ETIQUETTE as written by a submissive client

Introduction This article should help submissives - especially new submissives - to make a good (first) impression when visiting a professional Domina and to establish a trouble-free relation afterwards. Based on my experiences about the poor quality of some calls many Pro-Dommes received and their reaction afterwards I’m convinced that in this case, more information is better than less Information as thoroughness is important here. Simply because one can make still mistakes even if one is respectful and polite when communicating with a Domina. Essential information before all communication 

• Professional Femdom is not prostitution; Pro-Dommes are not prostitutes. If you are looking for sexual activities never and under no circumstance contact a Pro-Domme. The same goes if you are looking for any kind of intimate worship or nudity (including topless) on her part.

Morally problematic, socially divisive, and legally suspect: devotees of BDSM

Morally problematic, socially divisive, and legally suspect: devotees of BDSM

[Bondage-Discipline, Domination-Submission, or Sadism-Masochism] are often treated as the problem children of sexual ethics. This essay is my apology, or defense, for BDSM, which I shall argue can satisfy criteria for mutually respectful erotic interaction but also provokes legitimate ethical concerns within a diverse, complex world. I do not presume to offer a comprehensive discussion of BDSM, to address every ethical issue related to its practice, or to speak for the experience or position of every BDSM identity. Several aspects of my intellectual, social, and personal background–including my transcendental idealism, my feminism, and my BDSM orientation–inform and motivate my account.

As a transcendental idealist, whose philosophy is influenced by J. G. Fichte, I claim that mutually respectful erotic interactions provide a natural milieu–wherein human beings cultivate their ability for reciprocal influence by expressing desires guided by both feeling and reason–that facilitates social, and ult imately moral, consciousness. As a socially and politically conscious woman, whose ethics is colored by the second and third waves of feminism, I think that social and political justice entails advocating women’s efforts to determine, improve, and value their gendered existence, including their diverse,

1             In this essay, I presume the truth of various particulars about BDSM, which my individual experience, other subjective reports, and empirical study support, but I am open to discussion and dispute of these particulars insofar as BDSM has been mostly excluded from theoretical, empirical, and literary discourse. The attached bibliography (which was distributed to participants in the “Good Sex, Bad Sex” conference ) includes some literature that has influenced (but not determined) my account and that offers a starting place for readers interested in BDSM.

2             In this essay, I presuppose the legitimacy of my intellectual, ethical, and personal positions, but I am open to discussion and dispute of these positions insofar as I am always in the process of developing and refining my views. The attached bibliography includes some literature that underpins my perspectives on sexual ethics as a philosopher, woman, and individual.  unique sexual experiences. As an individual, whose erotic identity is inseparable from BDSM, I believe that BDSM activity is integral to my personal and human welfare. Section One: Misconceptions and Conceptions of BDSM

I would like to offer a rudimentary conception–and counter some basic misconceptions–of BDSM. BDSM encompasses a multipl icity of erotic inclinations, interests, and behaviors, which may include: corporal or behavioral restraints (e.g. bondage and discipline); bodily or emotional control (e.g. domination and submission); physical or mental pain (e.g. sadism and masochism). Erotic partners may engage in topping [relatively giving, active] roles or in bottoming [relatively receiving, passive] roles within particular erotic interactions. These interactions may be fantastical, theatrical, visual, or aural, or they may be concrete, actual, tactile, or corporeal, but in either case, they elicit a gamut of diverse feelings that vary widely in intensity.

BDSM interactions do not typically entail males harming females, adults molesting youngsters, or culturally central, socially powerful individuals exploiting culturally marginal, socially powerless individuals. Participants are generally consenting adults of similar cultural and social background. Tops and bottoms may be hetero-males, hetero-females, gays, lesbians, bisexuals, or transsexuals. Tops are not usually socially domineering, psychologically sadistic personalities and bottoms are not usually socially submissive, psychologically masochistic personalities. Outside of specific erotic contexts, few BDSM participants enjoy inflicting or enduring restraint, control, or pain. Relative to the range of actual sexual practice, participants rarely experience extraordinary sexually-related emotional distress, psycho-social dysfunction, or ethical conflict.

Section Two: Reciprocal Consent, Concern, and Desire

Reciprocal consent, concern, and desire are criteria for mutually respectful sexual interaction, which BDSM can meet. Mutual respect requires that sexual partners give explicit, or at least implicit, expression of their voluntary participation in a particular interaction. Additionally, it demands that each exhibits concern for the other’s human and personal interests within that interaction. Finally, it compels that both show erotic desire for the other within that interaction.

Are there 3 major categories of BDSM?

Three Major Categories of “BDSM”          By Ryder, dominantguide.com   June 27th, 2016

When starting to look at all that falls under the “BDSM” umbrella, one starts to notice that there are so many things that can be included. It can be overwhelming when you realize that intricate rope art, ABDL (adult baby/diaper lovers), Dominants and submissives, and people who long for blood play all exist in the same world. It is really beautiful when you are lucky enough to experience how the BDSM community gathers such a broad range of interests and everybody gets along and supports one another. But one of the struggles along the way, particularly for newcomers, is the thought that, “Well wait up. I am not remotely into that, do I even belong here?” as well as the dreaded “One True Way” issue. We’ve all seen it before. You read online that one Dominant teaches their submissive positions to be commanded so that becomes “the way.” Or the notion that all power exchange dynamics need to include punishment. Or all submissives should be naturally masochistic. Or Dominants can’t be bottoms.

This is ridiculous.

There is absolutely no one true way to “BDSM.”

I want to break down the three major categories of what BDSM includes based on what my experience has been.

Three major categories. SM. Kinky sex. Power Exchange.

SM: Sadism is “the tendency to derive pleasure, especially sexual gratification, from inflicting pain, suffering, or humiliation on others.”Masochism is “the tendency to derive pleasure, especially sexual gratification, from one’s own pain or humiliation.” Sado-masochisitc activity is often referred to as a scene or play. It typically involves a designated Top and bottom, indicating who is doing what. The 

Top is the one in charge of deciding what is happening in the scene. The bottom is the one on the receiving end of the Top’s decisions. And in the definitions you can start to see how varied SM can be. Deriving either pleasure or sexual gratification or both of those, from any or all of pain or suffering or humiliation. Examples of SM would involve anything falling under the pain (emotional, mental, or physical) category. Impact play is one of the most common. Flogging, spanking, whipping, paddling, caning, etc. Also humiliation scenes, interrogation, some bathroom play if it causes pain. If it pleases somebody to be hurt in a way, or it pleases somebody to hurt someone in a way, it is 

included in the SM category.

Sex or power exchange is NOT a requirement.

Kinky Sex: If it is an “unconventional” sexual fetish fantasy, or concept. If it turns you on sexually, it falls under kinky sex. Being sexually attracted to xyz, being turned on by xyz, xyz getting your dick hard or panties wet. Of course xyz can be any number of alternative sexual preferences. The goal of this category is sexual gratification.

Pain or Power Exchange is NOT a requirement.

Power Exchange: Power Exchange is a relationship dynamic, even if that “relationship” is only for the duration of a scene. It involves two parties, one of them giving up agreed upon control and one taking said control from the other person. Examples of this are the many designations of “Dominance and submission,” including D/s itself, Master/slave, Caregiver/little, etc.

Pain or kinky sex is NOT a requirement.

You don’t have to be into more than one of these to be involved with the BDSM community. You do not have to be interested in all of them. Just one. One tiny piece of any one of these categories is all it takes to join in and include yourself. Sometimes the categories overlap for people. Sometimes not.

You can be into pain but not want to have sex after a spanking. Not want to give up control to your 

Top during the scene. That’s okay.

You can be turned on by sexualizing bimboification. You do not have to want to control every aspect of your partners life. You do not have to want to cause him/her pain. That’s okay.

You can be into control and want to live as Master/slave and have a completely vanilla sex life and never pick up a paddle. That’s okay.

You can do rope to cause/feel pain. You can do rope because it gets you wet. You can do rope to take control of another’s body. They’re all okay.

Your BDSM is your BDSM. Don’t ever let anybody else define it for you. Don’t ever believe that one way is the only way.

That said, there are some cornerstones of BDSM that all practitioners should follow.

Everything under all three categories should be done consensually on behalf of all parties involved.

Take time to have an open dialogue and proper negotiation before you engage in any of these categories.

Be aware of the risks that are associated with your kink and educate yourself on safety.

Other than that, the vast world of BDSM is your playground and you have a lifetime to figure out these divisions and their significance in your life. Take your time, trust your instincts, listen to other people’s kink with an open mind and accepting heart, and do what feels good to you.

Not what you read somewhere is supposed to feel good.

Hello world! A closet crossdressers first outing...

Hello world! This is my first post ever! Feel honoured (or ambivalent!) It's an exciting event for me at any rate. I've been a closet crossdresser for nearly 40 years but, like others for sure, culture and upbringing have made me hide who I am. It probably had something to do with my last relationship of over 10 years failing and since then I've withdrawn from the world as a male and started to explore my other half, as it were.

I recently started visiting a support group in girl mode (now that was truly scary) but have always managed to get there without being seen by many people. The group is wonderful but I probably didn't leave a very good first impression because I was concentrating on not hyperventilating. I was being seen!!! Suddenly everything was real and out in the open. A step forward but also a step that could never be undone. I was officially a crossdresser.

The group is mainly filled with transgendered people (please excuse the choice of terms, I don't really understand labels and therefore may not be using them correctly). But there is also a genetic woman  there who comes to provide support, encouragement and advice (Lady L, for the purposes of this blog). I think this was the cosmos finally throwing me a lifeline because without her I wouldn't be writing about the experiences I've had.

Lady L invited me to a performance at a fringe festival. With real people. Breathing people. Seeing people! Could I go? Was I ready for that? Would they be ready for me? I started to panic. I wanted to run. The head of the tortoise started to withdraw. So I said 'ok!'. Idiot. Way to go!

The day of the event was pretty much a blur. I did my makeup. Twice. I put on a blue dress (long sleeved because my arms are seen at work, so they still have hair, albeit trimmed and bleached, so arms don't really fit in either of my worlds), picked up my handbag and left. The trip to the car is always really traumatic but kept looking through my handbag as a walked away and hoped no-one would recognise me.

The risky business of BDSM?

RT travels to several BDSM dungeons to speak with pro-dommes and masters about the troubles their business faces in a recession.

From using devices most wouldn’t allow anywhere near their naked parts, to whipping, to humiliation on vacuum beds – welcome to BDSM.

“I get really turned on when I beat somebody, for sure," said professional dominatrix Julie Simone.

A practice enjoyed by some of the rich and powerful, looking to be punished for their bad deeds – in a sexier way.

Despite what some may think, BDSM is far from being a set of kinky games. Professionals have recently discovered that economic and social realities taking place in the U.S. get reflected in what clients ask for behind closed doors.

“The economy has given them some tough times, and they still want someone to whip them into shape. But with more of a softer hand,” said professional dominatrix Nina Payne. 

“Every time there is another Abu Ghraib or Guantanamo outbreak, we get people who want to be interrogated. Now it’s corporal punishment. Canes, rods. Punishment is called for! And now the same people are coming in asking to be caned,” said Master R, Head Master at La Domaine, a BDSM Chateau, about Wall Street bankers’ changing preferences.

No actual sex is performed.

“We are legally constrained from doing anything sexual. We always tell people, if you don’t like that, write your Congressman,” explained Master R.

Dungeons such as this one have a lot to offer.

“Hands can be cuffed by the side of the head. For people who come in here with a great deal of facial piercing, we can tie them up by their face,” said Master R showing one device to RT.

The Medieval transgender poem

I was reading through some of my favourite blogs and came upon this delightful gem. Although transgender issue did exist in medieval times, this is an enlightened poem by a 14th century Jewish philosopher. 

The story about a medieval  poem on  becoming your true gender.

Many of you will have met the following argument in the transgender debate:

Since crossdreaming and transgender identities are social constructs, they are most likely to be the end product of modern Capitalist society, the Patriarchy or something equally sinister -- an line of argument which will most likely lead to a discussion about sexualization and fetishes.

This impression is reinforced by the fact that historians and art scholars have had a tendency to ignore -- or outright censor -- the voices of gender variant people from other cultures and epochs.

As I pointed out in my blog post on  crossdreamers in the Kama Sutra, until recently all English translations of that work skipped the part about straight women dominating straight men, most likely because it was considered threatening to the world order or impossible to understand.

So a lot of work is needed in this field. I am confident that if we look, we will find crossdreamers and transgender people in all cultures and all periods of time. They lives will be expressed in different manners according to  local language and cultural framework (as they are today), but they will have this in common: A desire or a need to express or be recognised as their true gender or as a blend of the two.

A Medieval Poem About the Longing to Become a Woman

CD / TRANS SUPPORT GROUP

Post It Notes

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Anything for My Mistress. A BDSM session review

As I stood there with my mind running wild with what was about to happen, Mistress went about preparing the room behind me, making lots of noise, metal chains clanging, wire being pulled through, draws opening and closing. To humour Mistress as well she had a Guns n Roses CD on which happened to then start playing the song "Pretty Tied Up", much to her delight. After preparing the equipment, and then me (with ankle suspenders and a gag, as well as the reason for my nickname, my bell that goes round my cock), and asked me over to the bench.

Once to the bench Mistress asked me to lay on my back and then put my ankles up which she one-by-one attached to the suspender. At this point she then stepped back and started to raise me up bit by bit. This felt fine until it got to the point of actually going off the bench when on no longer being supported by it I panicked. It's hard to describe but the feeling of having nothing supporting you and then spinning around, all whilst upside down is a massive shock to the system and one its almost impossible to prepare for. All credit to Mistress who was amazing and brought the bench back to where my hands could hold it. This immediately helped calm me down, and after a bit of talking, breathing and getting used to the sensation the bench was removed, and there I was, dangling, naked, upside down in front of Mistresses mirror, an extremely surreal sight to see staring back at you. At this point Mistress tied my hands to the floor via rope, which it must be said makes you feel a lot more secure, but also meant now Mistress felt free to introduce some pain, firstly padding my ass and pulling my jingling cock, before getting some clips and attaching them to my nipples and then my balls.

At this point Mistress asked if I was ok to lose the tied hands, which I very much appreciated, my wellbeing and comfort in the scene was evidently paramount to her. I said yes and Mistress then added a blindfold to me to increase the experience. At this point she tried swinging me which again brought on the same weird feelings as earlier, but through talking we realised that swinging backwards and forwards was fine. Mistress now with this knowledge took full advantage of it, by swinging me backwards and forwards by my jingling balls. Then we moved on again, this time to tackling spinning. To do this Mistress spun me before I had to guess where I landed. Needless to say I was terrible at this and was wrong every time! Sometime during this one of the clamps had fallen off, though this as soon remedied with Mistress attaching it to my cock. Soon after all this it was time to come down.

The session blew my mind and I felt, as Mistress said she did, that I had come on miles. Just to keep me thinking about the next session though I was informed that next time Tinkerbelle is going to be dressed like Tinkerbelle...... oh the joys..... then again, anything for Mistress.

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New online version of BDSM Checklist

I have now created an online - fill in as you print - version of My checklist for new clients.

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Psychological Dimensions of Masochistic Surrender

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Courtesy of: Author: Dorothy Hayden, CSW, CAC 

A number of years ago, in connection with my work with sexual addiction, a number of lifestyle submissives started coming to me for treatment. Some of these people were extremely hesitant to discuss their reasons for seeking therapy; they were so ashamed of their fantasies and behaviors that it took years of working with them until I knew their real names or their telephone numbers. Patients who able to be forthcoming about their masochistic behaviors and fantasies were as confused as I was. One of my patients, giving me a written masochistic fantasy after months of resistance, said, "Here it is. This is what I came to therapy for. It's terrible. It's sick. It's wonderful. I hate it; it's my favorite fantasy. I can't stand it, I love it. It's disgusting. I don't want to stop it."

Learning about the world of S&M has been an invaluable experience to me. I had to admit to myself that, viewed from the perspective of what I knew about the nature of the individual self, masochism puzzled me by flying in the face of everything that was rational about the nature of the human personality. People want to be happy and to avoid pain and suffering. They seek to maintain and increase their control over themselves and their surroundings. And they desire to maintain and increase their prestige, respect, and esteem. Viewed from the perspective of these three principles about the self, masochism is a startling paradox. The self is developed to avoid pain, but masochists seek pain. The self strives for control, but masochists seek to relinquish control. The self aims to maximize its esteem, but masochists deliberately seek out humiliation.

I heard stories of whips, canes, racks, cock-and-ball torture, dripping wax on naked skin, electronic devices designed to deliver just the right amount of pain, the difficulty of finding the right mistress, and the surprising number of "dungeons" that existed within a few block radius of my mid-town office. Time and again, men would talk of the frustration of being unable to entice their wives or partners, who found these sexual activities to be perverse, into engaging in the sexual behaviors that they most longed for.

I suspected that there was a vast number of people who felt tremendous shame and isolation about masochistic submissive longings. I decided to check the clinical literature on masochism to better arm myself with some psychodynamic understanding of why these men, who so often felt shame-bound, were so keen to be dominated, hurt, tortured and humiliated by strong, dominate women.

This is what my research revealed: According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the American Psychiatric Association, (the shrink's bible), anyone who engages regularly in masochistic sex is mentally ill by definition. There is a long tradition of regarding masochism as the activity of mentally ill sick individuals. Freud described masochism as a perversion. One of his followers linked masochism to cannibalism, criminality, necrophilia and vampirism. Another analyst said that all neurotics are masochistics. In short, clinical perspectives have regarded masochists as seriously disturbed.

Krafft-Ebing, the nineteenth-century psychiatrist who coined the term, subsumed masochism under the broad heading of "General Pathology" in this famous volume, Psychopath Sexualize, in 1876. Masochism became a pathological, sexual and psychopathic phenomenon all at once.

"By masochism I understand a particular perversion of the psychical sexual life in which the individual affected, in sexual feeling and thought, is controlled by the idea of being completely and unconditionally subject to the will of a person of the opposite sex; of being treated by this person as a master -- humiliated and abused. This idea is colored by lustful feeling; the masochist lives in fantasies, in which he creates situations of this kind and often attempts to realize them. By this perversion his sexual instinct is often made more or less insensible to the normal charms of the opposite sex - incapable of a normal sexual life - psychically impotent."

It has become practically a dogma of psychoanalytic thought that masochism is a sexual condition in which punishment is required before satisfaction can be reached. Freud understood the phenomenon as resulting from an "unconscious feeling of guilt" as "a need for punishment by some parental authority. Writing in 1919, Freud found the genesis and reference point for masochism in the Oedipus-complex. Masochism, he said, actually begins in infantile sexuality, when the wish for the incestuous connection with mother or father must be repressed. Guilt enters at this point, in connection with incestuous wishes. The parent figure then becomes the dispenser of punishment instead of love and appears in desires for beating, spanking, etc. The fantasy of being beaten becomes the meeting place between the sense of guilt and sexual love. Whether it involves literal pain or not, the punishment desired by the masochist is enjoyed in and of itself. Punishment and satisfaction both give pleasure - and humiliation. Freud, in referring to masochism as a "perversion", cemented it forever in the ghetto of the aberrant and deviant.

My research, however, did not jibe with my clinical reality. The people who presented to me were not immature or inferior. In fact, the reverse seemed to be the case. Masochists are more likely to be successful by social standards: professionally, sexually, emotionally, culturally, in marriages or out. They are frequently individuals of inner strength of character, possessed of strong coping skills with an ethical sense of individual responsibility. A famous study of the "sexual profile of men in power" found to the researchers' surprise, a high quantity of masochistic sexual activity among successful politicians, judges and other important and influential men.

It became obvious to me that psychology's theories of masochism were obsolete. In the 1960's, homosexuality was deleted from the DSMIV and was recognized not as a pathology, but as a lifestyle choice. It is my contention that the same should be done with masochism and that, like homosexuality, it needs to be removed from the rubric of "psychopathology" and be seen for what it is: a sexual lifestyle choice. It is the intention of this paper to suggest ways of understanding masochism without invoking theories of mental illness.

The questions, however, remained. I puzzled as to why so many men, raised in a culture that valued masculine initiative, assertiveness, and dominance, want to be relieved of these qualities and surrender their will to a strong, dominant woman who might torture, control and humiliate them. What was the basis of this compelling urge to surrender and serve, to relinquish control, to accept physical pain and emotional humiliation?

As I listened to my patients over the years, I began to see masochism less as a sexual aberration and more as a metaphor through which psyche speaks of its suffering and passion. There was a definite connection between suffering and pleasure the intrigued me. Clients spoke of the rapturous delight in submission, the worship, in wild abandon and the deliverance from the confining bondage of "normalcy".

Ritualized suffering seemed to be a way of giving meaning and value to human infirmities. After all, there is no paucity of suffering in human life. None of us need go looking for pain. The suffering of helplessness, disappointment, loss, powerlessness and limitation, is a part of the human condition. It is my hunch that there is something like a universal need, wish or longing for surrender completely to certain aspects of human life and that it assumes many forms. This passionate longing to surrender comes into play in at least some instances of masochism. Submission, losing oneself to the power of the other, becoming enslaved to the master is the ever-available lookalike to surrender.

Submissives speak of a quality of liberation, freedom and expansion of the self in a scene as a situation similar to the letting down of defensive barriers. They speak of the experience of complete vulnerability. I believe that buried or frozen, is a longing for something in the environment to make possible surrender, a sense of yielding of the false self. The false self is an idea developed by a famous psychoanalyst who posited that most parents need their children to behave in circumscribed ways in order for the child to receive their love. For a child, parental love is a matter of survival, and so the child forges a "self" that they think will ensure parental love and approval. The false self is usually a "caretaker" self. A Scene sometimes allows for years of defensive barriers that support the false self to be broken through. It carries with it a longing for the birth of the true self. Deep down we long to give up, to "come clean", as part of a general longing to be known or recognized. The prospect of surrender may be accompanied by a feeling of dread and or relief or even ecstasy. It is an experience of being "in the moment", totally in the present. Its ultimate direction is the discovery of one's identity, one's sense of self, of one's sense of wholeness, even one's sense of unity with other living beings. Joyous in spirit, it transcends the pain that evokes it. One's exquisite pain is sometimes akin to mystical ecstasy. Within the context of that surrender, a self-negating submissive experience occurs in which the person is enthralled by the dominant partner. The intensity of the masochism is a living testimonial of the urgency with which some buried part of the personality is screaming to be released. The surrender is nothing less than a controlled dissolution of self-boundaries.

The deeper yearning is the longing to be reached, known and accepted in a safe environment which narcissistic, dysfunctional or preoccupied parents were unable to provide the child at a young age.

Fantasies of being raped, which are very common, can have all manners of meanings. Among them, one will almost always find, sometimes deeply buried, a yearning for deep surrender. The submissive longs for and wishes to be found, recognized, penetrated to the core, so as to become real, or, as one analyst says it "to come into being."

In addition to the longing to surrender into a truer sense of self, masochistic behaviors have another meaning. People need and take delight in fantasy production. Ask the Disneyland folk who cater to adults as much as to children. Scenes have tremendous potential for potentiating fantasy. Costumes, rituals, scenarios, an endless variety of sex props, and elaborate sets reveal of the richness the creative inner life and speak to the very real human need for fantasy play. The fantasies are the carriers of a full spectrum of human feelings: to control, to be controlled, to tease, to be teased, to play, to please, and to achieve solace from the confines of the mundaness of ordinary life. They represent the suspension of normal reality that is an occasional necessity for all healthy people.

Probably the last thing masochism appears aimed at is balance. In keeping with its paradoxical nature, masochism provides not so much a state of weakness, but a sense of surrender, receptivity and sensitivity. Masochism is the condition of submitting fully to an experience, which counters lives that, in our Western society, are ego-centered, constrained, rational, and competitive. Strength can be a terrible burden. It is a constraint, which can be relieved in moments of abandonment, of letting down and letting go. So it is hardly surprising that the pull of masochistic experiences should be so strong in a culture the overvalues ego strength at the expense of a fuller experience of all dimensions of psychic life.

In conclusion, I believe that therapists need to radically alter their approach to doing psychotherapy with masochistic patients. My colleagues complain that masochists are difficult to "cure". Perhaps because the paradigm from which these therapists operate are faulty. The recognition of value and meaning in the desire to suffer humiliation runs counter to the prevailing attitude in psychology. The main thrust of modern theory and practice has been toward ego psychology. The values of psychotherapy have been aimed, for the most part, at building strong, coping, rational problem-solving egos. Ego-values are certainly worthy ones, yet it costs something to gain strength, to cope, to be rational and to solve problems. This may account for the dissatisfaction many people feel after years of psychotherapy. Building a strong ego is only one side of the story; it neglects other, crucial parts of the human psyche. Modern psychology has been in large measure dominated by helping people develop independence, strength, achievement decisive action, coping and planning. What's missing is attention to the more subtle dimensions of soul.

The psychoanalyst most in tuned with the missing element in psychotherapeutic work with masochism is Carl Jung. Masochism may be imagined as cultivation of what Jung called the "shadow" - the darker, mostly unconscious part of the psyche which he regarded not as a sickness, but as an essential part of the human psyche. The shadow is the tunnel, channel, or connector through which one reaches the deepest, most elemental layers of psyche. Going through the tunnel, or breaking the ego defenses down, one feels reduced and degraded. Usually, we try to bring the shadow under the ego's domination. Embracing the shadow, on the other hand, provides a fuller sense of self-knowledge, self-acceptance and a fuller sense of being alive. Jung's idea of the shadow involves force and passivity, horror and beauty, power and impotence, straightness and perversion, infantilism, wisdom and foolishness. The experience of the shadow is humiliating and occasionally frightening, but it is a reduction to life‹to essential life, which includes suffering, pain, powerlessness and humiliation. Submission to masochistic pain, loss of control and humiliation serves to embrace our shadow rather than deny it. The result is the achievement of an inner life that accepts and embraces all aspects of our selves and allows us to live with a deeper sense of our true selves.

In conclusion, the psychotherapeutic community needs to re-examine masochistic submissions to see it not as a pathology but as a healthy vehicle for surrendering fixed defense mechanisms, for relinquishing control to something or someone greater than themselves, for achieving freedom from the pervasive and relentless need to cultivate, promote and assert the self, for gaining some relief from having to make innumerable choices and decisions, for engaging in healthy fantasy enactments, and for the exploration, acknowledge and acceptance the "darker" or "shadow" side of their personalities. In addition, many patients speak of achieving a loss of self-awareness that they describe as ecstasy or bliss in which the individual transcends his normal limits and ceases to be aware of self in ordinary terms.

A travesty of our profession is that we continue to try to "cure" a systems of beliefs and behaviors that enrich and enlivens the lives of so many people. The continuing pathologizing of masochism by keeping it in the DSMIV as a psychopathology and by most therapists' efforts to "cure" masochists is in part responsible for the continued , shame, isolation and low self-esteem of these creative, spontaneous and courage people who want to be afforded the dignity of choosing their own form of non-exploitative sexuality.

Dorothy Hayden, MBA, CSW, CAC, received her masters degree in clinical social work from New York University and has received advanced clinical training at the Post Graduate Center for Mental Health. She is a psychotherapist in private practice in New York City. E-mail:dhayden09@yahoo.com.

Dorothy Hayden, CSW, CAC

209 East 10th Street #14

New York, NY

paul's BDSM session: A Review

Dearest Mistress,

Thank you for our session together. I have visited a few Mistresses in the past but found there was no connection between us in terms of understanding, patience and intellect . With you, I fell I have finally found a Mistress who understands my needs and is willing to be patient. I arrived at your premises today half in excitement and half in anticipation as to whether this meeting would again be like my previous meetings with a Mistress, where I would leave feeling empty rather than complete. As I left your dungeon, I felt only satisfaction at both having made you happy and also at feeling fulfilled. Thank you. I will hope to get some time off in October and spend more time on my knees before your glorious feet. Again, thank you.

~ Paul

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Comprehensive* List of LGBTQ+ Term Definitions

Lately I have received a few emails from people who are finding it difficult to find the correct definitions used by the LGBT community. I found this one quite useful. Courtesy of: 

http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/

Comprehensive* List of LGBTQ+ Term Definitions

*This list is neither comprehensive nor inviolable, but it’s a work in progress toward those goals. With identity terms, trust the person who is using the term and their definition of it above any dictionary. These definitions are the creation of a cultural commons: emails, online discussions, and in-person chats, with the initial curation being mine, then growing into a collaboration between Meg Bolger and me at TheSafeZoneProject.com. - See more HERE 

We are constantly honing and adjusting language to — our humble goal — have the definitions resonate with at least 51 out of 100 people who use the words. Identity terms are tricky, and trying to write a description that works perfectly for everyone using that label simply isn’t possible.

Some definitions here may include words you aren’t familiar with, or have been taught a flawed or incomplete definition for; I’ve likely defined those words somewhere else in the list, but if I also missed many. This is an ever-evolving project that I do my best to check back in on every three or four months. All that said, let’s get started… alphabetically:

Advocate – (noun) (1) a person who actively works to end intolerance, educate others, and support social equity for a marginalized group. (verb) (2) to actively support/plea in favour of a particular cause, the action of working to end intolerance, educate others, etc.

Ally – (noun) a (typically straight- or cis-identified) person who supports, and respects for members of the LGBTQ community.  While the word doesn’t necessitate action, we consider people to be active allies who take action upon this support and respect, this also indicates to others that you are an ally.

Androgyny/ous – (adj; pronounced “an-jrah-jun-ee”) (1) a gender expression that has elements of both masculinity and femininity; (2) occasionally used in place of “intersex” to describe a person with both female and male anatomy

Androsexual/Androphilic – (adj) attraction to men, males, and/or masculinity

Transgression, Transcendence, and The Edge within #BDSM

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

There are people using #BDSM as a way to abuse.

"Within this lifestyle there are unfortunately many dangers, there are people out there using the BDSM lifestyle as a way to abuse or use individuals under an umbrella of acceptance. Within each situation there are warning signs that we see, unfortunately sometimes we do not see these warning signs until it is too late. There are many people that say they are a Dominant are not, instead they are users, abusers, predators, wannabees, bullies, and manipulators. This article is designed to help people understand what a warning sign or red flag is, and hopefully prevent someone from getting hurt.

Some people think that just because they have read all the books and watched all the movies that they are instant Dominants; Instant Dominant…Just Add Water, and Shake Well. Just because he or she has a few floggers doesn't mean they know how to use them or that they are a Dominant of any form. Just because someone orders you around or attempts to control your life doesn't mean they are a Dominant. Being a Dominant is a menagerie of infinite strengths and weaknesses combined together with all the normal human mediocrities. It takes a lifetime of learning and growing to be a Dominant, and those that believe otherwise may not have a true grasp of the concept. Even as one is able to claim the title of Dominant, Master, Mistress, Lord, or Lady, God or Goddess, one is still learning, the learning is a never ending road that allows us to travel into the exciting and new dimensions of this adventure called BDSM.

As a Dominant myself I have come to understand that every Dominant does things in a different manner, and that just because what they do is different from what I do, it doesn't make what they do wrong, it just makes it different. However there is a difference between just being different and being dangerous.

If someone submits to you because they fear you, then you are a bully not a Dominant.

 If someone submits to you because you give him or her expensive presents then you are a pimp not a Dominant.

 If someone submits to you because you threaten to leave or abandon him or her if they refuse then you are a manipulator, not a Dominant.

 If someone submits to you because you wont leave him or her alone if they don\'t then you are a predator not a Dominant.

 If someone submits to you because you will beat him or her if they don\'t then you are an abuser not a Dominant.

There are far too many individuals out there in today\'s society that manipulate, abuse, use, and lie to others in an effort to gain their service and respect."

Courtesy of: The Iron Gate

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The Spiritual Dimension Of S/M

"A knight should be bold, fair, courteous and well-mannered, generous and loyal, not foolish or rash, and should speak fairly without discourtesy. A knight should be all this, and also proud and fierce to his enemies, and kind to his friends." -Durmart

The Spiritual Dimension Of S/M

COURTESY OF: ChrisM of SubBondage.net

Let's begin our discussion of SM spirituality on something of a tangent: the people you have surely met at community functions who claim to have been "trained" in some sort of "ancient order." Some say they are "old guard" which actually means something. Others claim to be "the old school" or in "Classic style" which means nothing, or, more accurately, means whatever you want it to mean. Some describe Roissy-like training academies in Europe, Japan, or other exotic locales, and often stress secrecy and exclusivity in their lengthy, impromptu descriptions.

So far as I know, none of these ancient domination training academies really exist. No historical literature, no websites, no consistency in the stories told by "graduates" are ever provided. No pictorials in "Shiny" or "Skin Two" whose lifeblood is publicizing all things fetish. None of my gay brothers, who have a longer continuous heritage than us hets, has evidence of ancient SM academies (though some do find it a hot fantasy). Its true that in recent years, SM training academies like Butchmans in Las Vegas, have opened their doors to students. And For the past ten years, GMSMA has been teaching a fifteen session tops school for its members. The training of couples have long been part of the dominitrix's trade. And there have always been, clusters and communities where sex and sado-erotic activities were shared. Pompeii has frescoes testifying to this. Even our venerable Ben Franklin was a member of London's infamous hellfire club, an exclusive SM brothel, catering to the well heeled and exotic of taste. But if Knightly Orders of SM do exist, they do a good job of pretending they do not. Still I meet two or three people a year who give varying claims of having been through them. These purported students often speak in a hodgepodge of martial arts lingo, Gor Novels, and Jedi-knighthood which itself was a 1970's hodgepodge of Tolkein, King Arthur, and John Wayne Westerns. This sense of pomp carries over into the moody elevator music like "Enigma" so ubiquitous at SM functions, and use of prenominals like "Sir" which, in times past, signified knighthood. You see it in their solemn, deportment and in the Halloween-like outfits worn without a shred of humor or irony.

ARTICLE WORTH READING: BDSM Disclosure and Stigma Management: Identifying Opportunities for Sex Education

"While participation in the activities like bondage, domination, submission/sadism, masochism that fall under the umbrella term BDSM is widespread, stigma surrounding BDSM poses risks to practitioners who wish to disclose their interest. We examined risk factors involved with disclosure to posit how sex education might diffuse stigma and warn of risks. Semi-structured interviews asked 20 adults reporting an interest in BDSM about their disclosure experiences. Most respondents reported their BDSM interests starting before age 15, sometimes creating a phase of anxiety and shame in the absence of reassuring information. As adults, respondents often considered BDSM central to their sexuality, thus disclosure was integral to dating. Disclosure decisions in non-dating situations were often complex considerations balancing desire for appropriateness with a desire for connection and honesty. Some respondents wondered whether their interests being found out would jeopardize their jobs. Experiences with stigma varied widely."

Please also read:

The cautionary tale of Dawn......

   - who found herprivate life wasn't so private after all...

The cautionary tale of Dawn...... - who found her private life wasn't so private after all...

My custody issues came about midway through the negotiations surrounding my divorce. My ex and I had already been separated for 3 years, and our children, both under 10, were living with me. I have a boyfriend whom I met on the scene, but we do not live together.

WEB: www.sinfulandwicked.co.uk 
MOB: 07426 490 214 
TWITTER: @sinfulandwicked

Safety within BDSM

BDSM health, safety, and risks

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A few things not to say to Me:

There is no such thing as long enough or hard enough...

i'll try anything!

i have NO limits

i can take whatever You do to me

I'm a real pain slut and can take serious abuse

You want to put WHAT WHERE?

my previous Dom/me

The results are usually quite predictable. :)

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