One of the most grave and inexplicable problems facing our
community in general is the continued presence of downright rudeness. It takes
many forms: gossip, arrogance, slander, ingratitude, interpersonal cruelty,
Rumor-mongering, the propensity to snub, shun or belittle, a refined
Sensitivity to slight paired with strident disregard for how ones actions And
words effect others. It is astonishing, and terribly sad, how poorly we Get along
from the viewpoint of interpersonal relationships. Why a community like ours,
whose members strive for a mature outlook on power, consent and tolerance
should feud with such violence and monotonous regularity is a true mystery.
In our community, we see behavior one would never dream
grown adults could stoop to. We have seen SM groups who ought to get along
fine, bicker endlessly and mindlessly. We have seen “leaders” whose mission
appears to be the personal demolition of others whose contributions to the
community might challenge their own. We know good people who have left the
scene because of the cattiness, clique-mentality, and deliberate un consenting
meanness. This propensity, often called “Tops disease”, is by no means limited
to dominants. It is nationwide in scope affecting virtually every group we have
visited in our travels.
It isn't hard to imagine a universe where this kind of
behavior never occurred at all. Aggression, power and consent, to say nothing
of etiquette, are concepts SM folk deal with all the time. The BDSM community
has made great strides in developing and documenting a wide variety of safe SM
practices, protocols and standards for negotiation and play. Yet, strangely,
the bickering, bitchiness and backstabbing goes on unabated. The last two Black
Rose election cycles, have produced virtual demolition derbies of friendships
over seemingly trivial issues. TES went through a similar bloodbath several
years ago, in the wake of their 25th anniversary celebration. And many small
groups have closed, not because of legal persecution, fiscal mismanagement or
lack of membership, but due to jealously, power struggles, and malicious
gossip. The wounds inflicted by incivility exceed any damage perfumed in
consensual dungeon play and the emotional scarring that uncivil behavior leaves
on its victims lasts longer than any bruise. You might guess that the worst of
this behavior comes from scene novices but you would be wrong. Beginners,
usually eager to fit in and make friends, typically deport themselves well. The
worst of this behavior comes from people who have been in the scene for years.
People with experience, with play partners, with contacts, are often the most
judgmental,least generous, most easily-offended, readiest to slander others. It
is strange,but over and over we have seen seemingly friendly newcomers arrive
in the scene, become avid pupils of our craft, grow into competent players,
then unexpectedly mutate into arrogance, self-importance and interpersonal
ruthlessness. Many leave the community in bitterness, anger or disgrace. The
civility question may play a role in the scene's curious lack of people of
color, who understand discrimination and hostility when they see it, and feel
unwelcome. It hurts our leather brethren, demolishes friendships, breaks the
spirit of our volunteers, cripples social groups, invites retaliation, and
weakens our claim that SM is practiced by emotionally healthy, well-adjusted
people. Why are we doing this? What can we do to stop it?
THE SCOPE OF THE PROBLEM: WHAT IS INCIVILITY?
We will go straight to examples. By no means exhaustive,
here are some categories of incivility we encounter in the scene. The Empathy
Gap: This is subtle, but actually lies behind much uncivil behavior. Not so
much the presence of hatred or dislike, but an absence of empathy and kindness
towards other members of our SM community. In a better world, we would all
actively welcome strangers, extend cordiality, start up conversations, feel a
little compassion towards others like ourselves. But, more often than not,
people feel nothing in particular towards people they meet in the scene. This
“inner nothingness” sets the stage for much of the uncivil behavior we find in
the scene.
- Gossip: We all do it, and yes it can be loads of fun
catching up on all the latest. Plus, gossip serves a valuable purpose when
inquiring about someone you may be interested in playing with. by scene
standards, it is not uncivil to conduct good faith peer review while inquiring
about someone's play style, experience, and reputation. But gossip conducted
with the intent to harm, or passing along dubious or inflammatory rumors is
behavior that hurts the scene. In gossip, as with other things, there must be some
sense of proportion. Gossip can also violate the confidentiality of
individuals, possibly subjecting them to dangerous and unnecessary risk. Both
truth and privacy are cardinal principals in the scene, and reckless gossip
damages both.
- Clique Politics: To have a circle of friends is a good
thing, but not when the goal is circling the wagons to shut out people who
“don't fit in” In the same way that benign sharing of information can be
amplified into vicious, destructive gossip, maintaining cliques whose purpose
it is to weaken and ostracize others, hurts the community as well as the
individuals excluded. Ultimately, clique players make so many enemies that they
themselves are resented or unwelcome.
- Sweet and Sour: A clique politics tactic: Some people make
extravagant show of how close and loving they are to their circle of friends,
hugs, smiles, introductions glowing compliments, in part too maximize the sting
inflicted against perceived outsiders, who are refused even the time of day. A
stock move among catty sorority girls during rush week, (the Amish call this
shunning) it's embarrassing to see how many grown men and women use “sweet and
sour” to isolate and hurt individuals whose feelings and esteem they regard as
unimportant. This truly nasty habit creates “us and them” fissures, that
fragment the community, hurt feelings and invite retaliation.
- Chicken Hawk Syndrome: With a constant influx of SM
beginners, some attempt to acquire play partners under the guise of
“mentoring”. Chicken hawk syndrome includes strong come-ons, boastful
presentation of ones own experience and skill, sometimes in trashing other
people, sometimes attempting to isolate new people from the presence or
influence of others, all in the name of “education”, or at least active attempts
to recruit them into their clique of preference. While there is nothing wrong
with expressing interest in someone (new to the community or not) it is
dishonest to couch your interest in terms of education. For new people we
advise you to take your time in choosing exclusive mentors if you feel the need
to do that at all, and ideally to form relationships with a circle of friends
and not to rely on just one point of view.
- SM Psychodrama: High volume yelling matches, absurd
conspiracy mongering, unbridled venom towards community peers…Does any of this
sound familiar? Here's a test: If such behavior would get you fired from a
professional workplace, please leave it at home. Failure to separate role from
reality: We are an imaginative bunch (witness the number of science fiction
fans, and Ren-fair enthusiasts in our midst) and this is both good and bad.
Some take the view that the scene is a place their fantasy become reality,
raising the specter of unrealistic expectations which can infringe on safety,
consent even sanity. Someone who prides herself on being an unreasonable,
demanding bitch in scene should always watch to draw a line between what is
appropriate in scene and into daily life, even if they consider themselves
“lifestyle”.
- The Dom=Dickhead syndrome: While some dominants are true
artists cultivating a gourmet's appreciation of pleasure, pain and power,
others are mere peevish control queens, itchy for a chance to criticize, get
belligerent, boss others around. Still others, new to the community (but not to
Gor novels) make the classic error of equating their sexual dominance with an
overbearing, overreaching manner dominated by virtue of their presence at a SM
event. Regardless of how dominant you are within your consenting relationships
(and more power to ya!), you can no more “assume” consent in your interactions
with others, than you can in an SM scene. Dominants who assume its okay to boss
others around, and demand subservient treatment, demanded rudely, are making
the classic newbie error of assuming its okay to touch or grab others bodies
without asking.
- The Realness Police: In which everyone assumes that your SM
should closely resemble theirs. Scoffing at scenes for being too mild, too
heavy or too.whatever. One particularly odious habit is the loudly proclaimed
belief in those great SM unicorns the “true dom” (” true doms never bottom …
being a true dom means never having to say your sorry, etc.”) or “true
submissive” (“If you were a TRUE submissive you would do X for me, let me do Y
to you, take it in stride while I waltz off and do Z.”)
- The Imperial-Imperious confusion: Some scenefolk, in an
effort to appear imperial (kingly, of high standard, worthy of respect) conduct
themselves in a manner that is imperious (overbearing, bossy, judgmental). A
surprising number of scene-folk begin this confusion after a few years in the
community, as they assume leadership positions, or when they decide that it is
time they were recognized as authorities, if not superiors. While many feel
that imperious behavior demonstrates expertise, importance and intelligence, in
truth it almost never fails to alienate potential friends and play partners and
make the offender look bad. While pecking order tactics like these are fine for
beings with the intelligence and spiritual depth of sparrows and chickens, in
humans they are shallow, unkind and run counter to the spirit of “safe sane and
consensual.” Furthermore, people will not continue to support and tolerate
people who treat them badly. Even so, unwise bystanders, occasionally reward
this kind of boorishness with attention and respect, making our collective
problem worse. New people see this behavior in community leaders and players of
high prominence and emulate it, believing it to be proper, accepted or
connoting high status.
- Expert-itus:(a variant of the previous point) the state of
confusing ones own expertise with the ability to pick nits, and find faults in
other people's play, demeanor, protocol, motives. While sharing scene knowledge
is generally a good thing, it can be, and often is, overdone. Go easy on the
free advice.
WHY DO WE DO IT?
In fairness, we don't want to suggest that leatherfolk are
inherently rude people. The scene, as wonderful as it can be, contains many
subtle and seldom discussed “stress factors” that contribute to uncivil
behavior. Like water over a stone, these stress factors wear on the nerves year
after year, thus setting the stage for impatience, irritation, depression and
the empathy deficit we have already discussed.
The scene is a small world, and quarters are close, closer
than we might like sometimes. Because BDSM is an interest that selects at
random, we often find ourselves spending a lot of time with people we might not
otherwise choose as friends. The scene is an intensely intimate place, we
express our inner fantasies and fears, sometimes share partners, see each other
nude, watch each other cum…Is it any wonder people are sensitive about how we
are treated by others?
Because these practices are incredibly diverse, we find
themselves in the occasional presence of activities that make us uncomfortable.
The scene is a strange place and it takes a while to adjust. (And some things
you may never get used to.)
The pressures of closeting: The pressure of maintaining a
secret life, of hiding your leather life from friends, colleagues, and family
adds a constant overlay of tension to daily life. Scene folk have to manage the
presence of fetish contraband including toys, clothes, literature and erotica
whose discovery might be catastrophic. The risk, real or perceived, can
encompass loss of employment, of friends, of family, even custody of ones'
kids.
Jealousy, loneliness and competition for partners are facts
of life. People without play partners may become unhappy or angry. People seen as
getting more than their share can trigger insecurity and resentment. Even
people with partners may see threats around every corner.
The scene, like any fringe group, attracts its share of
eccentrics and outcasts, some fascinating and agreeable, others less so.
Newcomer na?vet?: New people unacquainted to the scene's protocols occasionally
touch, grab or conduct themselves in an inappropriate manner. Although
individuals typically learn to deport themselves over time, the constant influx
of newcomers means newcomer naivete is a constant, grating issue.
The realities of the party circuit: It is a hard fact of
scene life is that most parties are private and their invite lists finite. For
every guest invited there are twenty left outside. The guest list is dictated
by what the hosts can afford, their circle of friendships, the size of their
home and many other factors. But it still stings to hear about a party without
getting an invite. And it happens all the time. EMAIL (the medium of choice for
many SM participants) : Without a friendly face or modulations of human speech,
text encounters can be easily misstated/misunders tool. Couple that with the
sometimes blunt writing style of emailers everywhere, the added gravity of the
written word and the ease of escalating a private remark into public rebuke
with a misplaced keystroke, and you've got the makings for an online food
fight.
SOME THOUGHTS ON WHAT YOU CAN DO TO FIX IT
One of the more sobering aspects of the list above, is that
there really are no easy solutions to any of these problems. The scene is
small, people are sensitive, invite lists are short, and we really do have some
truly eccentric people who will continue to behave eccentrically. But there is
room for hope. We do a good job of establishing, and enforcing, play standards
to make SM safe and hot. We are improving all the time as educators of play
practices. But, interpersonal conduct outside of the SM encounter itself, has
not been made a priority and its probably time it should be. We must recognize
civility (defined in part by the examples in this report) as a threat to the
health of our community, and commit ourselves as individuals, to improving our
own behavior first.
We must extend civility, decency, care and concern beyond
our personal circle to members of the community at large. This doesn't mean we
have to be everyone's bosom bud, but that concern for others is a priority
instead of the non-issue it is for many at present. We are not talking about
sainthood or communism here. The goal is not to stand around a campfire in a
ring, holding hands singing Kumbaya. But if we all improve our behavior, and
extend our compassion by ten percent, we will be living in a completely
transformed universe.
Secondly, through mentoring and our education programs, we
must elevate civility as a requirement for our leaders and citizens. While
scene etiquette (a subset of civility), is an SM staple, it deals mainly with
deportment, protocols and standards of interaction, and doesn't address the
deeper issues of cultivating compassion, tolerance and awareness, towards our
SM brethren. These are tougher ethics-driven issues often without simple
answers. And, though vocal, it is a minority of scene-folk who do the worst of
this callous behavior. Most want a scene that is friendly and supportive. Many
are willing to work to make it so (hopefully you too if you've read this far).
And though the gossips, scolds and assholes among us often succeed in hurting
their intended targets (and incidentally, our community), their greatest
causalities are ultimately their own reputations. Remember that we are all
brothers and sisters in a community no matter how diverse. If we behave like we
care about and support one other, we will all find ourselves, by definition, in
an environment that is more caring and supportive. Improved civility should
presented as causal to the following desirable conditions: stability of
friendships; respect of peers; trust of potential play partners (civility means
stability); strengthens ones personal network of contacts; supports the
position that SM is practiced by sane, well adjusted people; elevates fairness
and justice (which are eternal) as the coin of the realm as opposed to
popularity and bureaucratic clout (which are fleeting and can vanish at any
moment); strengthens the community and makes it healthier; raises the comfort
quotient for newcomers.
A PROPOSED APPROACH: EXTEND SSC INTO INTERPERSONAL
RELATIONSHIPS
Strive as individuals and organizations to extend “safe,
sane, and consensual” into the arena of interpersonal conduct. So lets turn the
laser beam of SSC onto our civility concerns and see what it tells us: Uncivil
behavior is nonconsensual: Unless assured, otherwise good manners and general
kindness should be the coin of the realm. To do less is to engage someone
without their consent. Doms should restrict their dominance to those who have
consented to it. Submissives who pester others with unsolicited subservience
are likewise in violation. And nonconsensual dominance in the name of
“mentoring” doesn't wash either. Gossips and scolds should likewise consider
their behavior in terms of consent. Subjecting someone to a tongue lashing or a
gossip campaign is really no better than drawing out a flogger and hammering
away at them without warning. Uncivil behavior is not safe: Cruel, thoughtless
behavior can damage hurt people, deeply, for as long time, and that cannot be
called safe. In the same way that humiliation can be more damaging than
physical pain, the emotional harm inflicted from incivility may far exceed what
you intend. Unsolicited advice can come across as cutting, and judgmental.
Incivility also sets a diminished community standard for others to follow, making
incivility more acceptable and social environment suffers often scaring mature
decent people away, and can in time bring a group to its knees. Small acts of
rudeness, or disregard, even if only perceived as such can balloon up into
clique wars.
And if the well being of your intended victim means nothing
to you, consider this: If you make trouble for people, chances are it will come
back to haunt you later on. People have a way of reciprocating behavior. Be
nice and people will be nice back. Be a jackass and that's how others will see
AND speak of you. This is a small world and if you screw someone, you are
handing them a motive to get you back later. Even if you are queen of the
in-clique at present, no one controls the future and, over time, the leather
gods have a way of evening things out. The community is close, memory is long,
and paybacks are a bitch. For this reason alone, uncivil behavior is unsafe to
you.
Uncivil behavior is not even all that sane: For years many
of us felt we were solitary freaks before finding this community. To reinforce
feelings of rejection in our brothers and sisters by deliberately withholding
human decency, or subjecting them to deliberate hardship, is just not
defensible. People who find themselves helpless to resist clashing with or
inflicting imperious behavior on their scene fellows, would do well to begin
some serious soul searching and perhaps seeking out the help they need. A lot
of uncivil behavior is retaliatory. Someone does something that hurts or
offends you prompting an aggressive response. Unfortunately this may be exactly
how it looks to the person you just dissed. If you find that your actions and
behavior are building up to a feud, it is a great idea to apologize for your
part in the situation and disengage from the conflict. Furthermore, the long
term gains from uncivil behavior are so meager, and the costs so high that it
really does not pay for people who hope to stay in the community for some time.
(Even if they win a short term victory.)
APHORISMS
Taking care of your community. Take care of its members.
Agree to disagree. you don't have to dis just because you dislike. Civility
demonstrates stability. Piss off a bigot; be nice to a leather person.
Imperious does not mean imperial. SSC is always in effect, whether or not a
scene is in progress. Resist the urge to reward slanderous gossip with your
attention and involvement -it's not consensual, and not safe, even it's sanity
is questionable. Tithe: give ten percent more in kindness appreciation gratitude,
forgiveness. Never assume Safety. Never assume Consent. SM does not stand for
Super Man - nobody is perfect and everyone makes Mistakes. Be willing to
concede the point if you have been uncivil. Being willing to fess up, and
apologize, makes you stronger, not weaker. Always try to be the voice of sanity
and reason. Incivility is uncivil, whatever the excuse. Try to maintain
perspective. Maintain a healthy sense of humor. True wealth is the ability to
give kindness. Never forget your pleasure. Acceptance is voluntary, tolerance
is mandatory
Article By Chris M [Black Rose of Washington DC] and Lady
Medora [New Orleans Power Exchange] (The authors hope that everyone and anyone
will send this through any boards you belong to including the authors names).
